tealheron11
New member
Hi All,
I have posted before semi-recently about struggles with my husband, his other partner, and my other partner.
Without taking a whole long post to give the background about everything, I'll be short.. if people have questions, I can answer them. I just moved away for a new job. Husband didn't come with me. He *might* move up here (from CA to WA) months down the road. Work related reasons why he couldn't come right now, but I also don't think he wanted to leave his other partner yet. My other partner is military, and ironically, moved away last week, a week before my move. Other partner says he's mono, although he doesn't seem 100% mono but that's for another day. Anyway, we are very close, emotionally, physically, mentally intimate. We have talked every day since he left, multiple times a day, on lots of media (phone calls, texts, social media etc) it was almost like before, without the physical stuff. He is more of a "primary" than my husband (my husband doesn't do hierarchical poly).
Last night, my other partner (military guy) slept with someone. It was a friend of his, someone he knew a long time, and evidently this was unexpected and unplanned. There is a lot of weird things that happened around it, but it was unexpected in general and VERY sudden for me. Granted, he has slept with 2 other women the whole time we were seeing each other - one was in the beginning of our relationship, the other was at the point where we were more serious, and I was a little jealous, but it wasn't a big deal. My partner has this expectation that I don't get jealous or something, and I think he created that belief in the beginning of our dating. Anyway, he told me this story, and it wasn't just about him sleeping with her - there was more to it (she kicked him out because I guess she had a bf who was coming home and she didn't tell him!!!) I just got stuck on the sleeping with her part. Literally, he left a week ago. I knew he was going to date other people and eventually get into a mono relationship, but I didn't see this coming. It felt like a gut punch. It is the "first time" something like this has hurt me deeply within our relationship. We ended up having a long conversation, because I got pretty upset, which led to him feeling guilty and sad about hurting me. I didn't want to make him feel bad, I just was expressing myself and couldn't help but feel overwhelmed. My feelings/thoughts in my head are feeling insecure, that I am replaceable, that he could easily "turn off" the switch and sleep with someone right away -- but i know that stuff isn't true, it has nothing to do with me, this was a friend he knew a long time (this takes the sting out of it a little, at least). I think what would be helpful is if we had some sort of commitment or SOMETHING. It's like, we aren't really "broken up" but since he isn't really "poly" it isn't like there is a promise that this connection will continue, either. It's almost like an extended friends with emotional benefits until it isn't anymore, if that make sense. We had a talk about our relationship before he left (and again today). The door isn't closed on us, but he does want to get married some day. I feel like because I'm already married, I'm not a real long-term possibility no matter what. He even said something along the lines of "things will always be close, because they are static." Whatever that means. Like, it can't go farther but it will always stay good? it's really mono normative cultural programming I think.
Anyway, I feel like my heart got crushed and I'm trying to be okay with it. He is very apologetic for hurting me, reassured me that he cares for me and is not "trying to get over me," and always wants me in his life. In a way, it is a "commitment" of sorts, but not a romantic promise.
I feel like I am always the one in my poly world to get hurt. My husband was the first one to start dating, the first one to sleep with someone else, the first one to fall in love with someone else. He is still with that partner and everything is groovy for them. I was lucky enough to find this other partner, and fall in love with him, and have a wonderful, amazing year with him. Now, I was the first one to "say goodbye" to a partner, and now to feel the sting of what happens when a partner is with someone else. My husband's partner hasn't done anything aside from one or two dates. I hope this doesn't make me sound like an over emotional idiot. I am tired of being the one to break down and cry and feel crushed. I also have been going through it with my husband and his partner, although she and I really patched things up and I no longer have any hard feelings towards her.
I really don't want advice about what to do or some "you should be happy, it is better to have loved and lost than never loved at all" bs... not that you guys would say that. I hope others can understand and validate this...how hard the first time these things happen to us with a loved one... if anyone else has been through something like this, please feel free to share, I would love feedback.
I just want to heal. I want to remain open and trust people. I still love my husband and my partner but my heart feels like it has been through the ringer. Literally just LAST week I said goodbye to this partner with a tearful airport goodbye and my world was rocked and here we are again.
I have posted before semi-recently about struggles with my husband, his other partner, and my other partner.
Without taking a whole long post to give the background about everything, I'll be short.. if people have questions, I can answer them. I just moved away for a new job. Husband didn't come with me. He *might* move up here (from CA to WA) months down the road. Work related reasons why he couldn't come right now, but I also don't think he wanted to leave his other partner yet. My other partner is military, and ironically, moved away last week, a week before my move. Other partner says he's mono, although he doesn't seem 100% mono but that's for another day. Anyway, we are very close, emotionally, physically, mentally intimate. We have talked every day since he left, multiple times a day, on lots of media (phone calls, texts, social media etc) it was almost like before, without the physical stuff. He is more of a "primary" than my husband (my husband doesn't do hierarchical poly).
Last night, my other partner (military guy) slept with someone. It was a friend of his, someone he knew a long time, and evidently this was unexpected and unplanned. There is a lot of weird things that happened around it, but it was unexpected in general and VERY sudden for me. Granted, he has slept with 2 other women the whole time we were seeing each other - one was in the beginning of our relationship, the other was at the point where we were more serious, and I was a little jealous, but it wasn't a big deal. My partner has this expectation that I don't get jealous or something, and I think he created that belief in the beginning of our dating. Anyway, he told me this story, and it wasn't just about him sleeping with her - there was more to it (she kicked him out because I guess she had a bf who was coming home and she didn't tell him!!!) I just got stuck on the sleeping with her part. Literally, he left a week ago. I knew he was going to date other people and eventually get into a mono relationship, but I didn't see this coming. It felt like a gut punch. It is the "first time" something like this has hurt me deeply within our relationship. We ended up having a long conversation, because I got pretty upset, which led to him feeling guilty and sad about hurting me. I didn't want to make him feel bad, I just was expressing myself and couldn't help but feel overwhelmed. My feelings/thoughts in my head are feeling insecure, that I am replaceable, that he could easily "turn off" the switch and sleep with someone right away -- but i know that stuff isn't true, it has nothing to do with me, this was a friend he knew a long time (this takes the sting out of it a little, at least). I think what would be helpful is if we had some sort of commitment or SOMETHING. It's like, we aren't really "broken up" but since he isn't really "poly" it isn't like there is a promise that this connection will continue, either. It's almost like an extended friends with emotional benefits until it isn't anymore, if that make sense. We had a talk about our relationship before he left (and again today). The door isn't closed on us, but he does want to get married some day. I feel like because I'm already married, I'm not a real long-term possibility no matter what. He even said something along the lines of "things will always be close, because they are static." Whatever that means. Like, it can't go farther but it will always stay good? it's really mono normative cultural programming I think.
Anyway, I feel like my heart got crushed and I'm trying to be okay with it. He is very apologetic for hurting me, reassured me that he cares for me and is not "trying to get over me," and always wants me in his life. In a way, it is a "commitment" of sorts, but not a romantic promise.
I feel like I am always the one in my poly world to get hurt. My husband was the first one to start dating, the first one to sleep with someone else, the first one to fall in love with someone else. He is still with that partner and everything is groovy for them. I was lucky enough to find this other partner, and fall in love with him, and have a wonderful, amazing year with him. Now, I was the first one to "say goodbye" to a partner, and now to feel the sting of what happens when a partner is with someone else. My husband's partner hasn't done anything aside from one or two dates. I hope this doesn't make me sound like an over emotional idiot. I am tired of being the one to break down and cry and feel crushed. I also have been going through it with my husband and his partner, although she and I really patched things up and I no longer have any hard feelings towards her.
I really don't want advice about what to do or some "you should be happy, it is better to have loved and lost than never loved at all" bs... not that you guys would say that. I hope others can understand and validate this...how hard the first time these things happen to us with a loved one... if anyone else has been through something like this, please feel free to share, I would love feedback.
I just want to heal. I want to remain open and trust people. I still love my husband and my partner but my heart feels like it has been through the ringer. Literally just LAST week I said goodbye to this partner with a tearful airport goodbye and my world was rocked and here we are again.