Seeking help (me mono, she poly)

I didn't say I don't, and really it doesn't matter if I do, or if anyone else in here does. They are still offering advice based on the facts provided by you. I actually believe you as far as I do most people online lol, and people in life. But really it doesn't matter at all if random internet people believe your life events because you living them. What you came here for is advice into the mindset of a poly person, you feel inferior in everyway to your metamour and feel you are slowly losing you wife. Does that about sum it up?
 
I don't get it. Why does it sound like a story?

I'm sorry I didn't answer your question. Because it's hard to believe that a man who isn't a cuck to some extent would allow all of this to happen to him without a fight. You tell it like you have no choice while you do, everyone does. Obviously you can't control how she feels but you have a choice in your relationship.
Also it's unclear if your marriage was open, it sounds like you had occasional mmf threesomes but not that your wife was allowed to go out and fuck someone without permission so how are you not angry that she essentially cheated on you? Did you take the time to process that? So yeah it's the holes and surprise factor of the story that make it kind of unbelievable. Her falling "inlove" does not excuse her falling onto his bigger dick without talking to you about it first.
 
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LunaBunny - I absolutely agree with so many of the points that you have raised but WRT:

...
4.) What did this man hope to gain from proposing to your WIFE? :confused::rolleyes: Surely, since he has known your wife for many months, he already knew about her/your marital status. Was it just NRE talking and him not being able to contain his "giddy lovey dovey" feelings? Was it some sort of power play? How did SHE react to his proposal? And why did she feel the need to tell you about it anyway, since she did not and cannot accept?

Some poly folks re: the current laws of [insert country of residence] as rather irrelevant to the "intent" of marriage. Some of our posters DO consider themselves married to more than one partner (BlueBird and Dagferi for instance). There are plenty of posts on these boards about non-legal ceremonies and hand-fasting marriages - so it is not an entirely unreasonable proposition. Just because someone is already "legally" married, does not necessarily mean that they can't entertain a proposal of an "extra-legal" "marriage-like" arrangement.

Just sayin' is all :rolleyes:.

(Personally, if there weren't tax/financial benefits to being married then I wouldn't bother doing the legal bit...MrS was never keen on it in the first place.)

PS. Went back and read the rest of the thread - never occured to me that this was a "fantasy" but can see how it could be. At the same time, I could have been the "wife" in this thread - wishing and hoping that I could live with both of my boys...I AM now. BUT, there are no kids involved. and I was moving my boys onto my OWN property/farm.
 
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I'm sorry I didn't answer your question. Because it's hard to believe that a man who isn't a cuck to some extent would allow all of this to happen to him without a fight. You tell it like you have no choice while you do, everyone does.

I have three choices:
1. Accept it and try to do the best of it.
Result: I will still have my wife in my life but I will have to share her with someone she finds more exciting and attractive in HIS home, which will make me the B-relationship.

2. Tell her she can't continue with him:
Result: She would hate her life, hate what she have done with our relationship and this will end with us breaking up within a few months and then she would move by herself to him.

3. Say bye bye to her.
Result: She would move to him.

So you see... I do not really have a choice if I want her still in my life.

Also it's unclear if your marriage was open, it sounds like you had occasional mmf threesomes but not that your wife was allowed to go out and fuck someone without permission

Yes true. We weren't open as in "ok to have sex with others and tell the other the day after". Our arrangement was more like "We can have sex with others as long as we do it together.

"Together" has always been the idea. Never on our own with others.

so how are you not angry that she essentially cheated on you?

I am probably angry to some extent... but mostly just sad.
 
you feel inferior in everyway to your metamour and feel you are slowly losing you wife. Does that about sum it up?

Yes... but not slowly. It feels like it's going pretty fast. At least from my point of view.

The thing is: I just can't understand why she wants this so much when she can see it hurts us so much. She has never been an egoistic person before but I can't help feeling she is willing to risk everything just to get something she wants.

I have dreams too but if I see that they hurt someone I love I simply don't do them.
 
Gunnar, if you're real, divorce. I'm sorry you were not "the one" for her after all.

It does read like a story though. If you're a writer, starting multiple nicks, spinning novels and fantasies, and leading us on, please realize how you're greatly increasing the chance for real people getting hurt. Just stop. I don't want to be suspicious on this forum, but I can't help it after falling pray to the poster with sister-incest and (the same?) one converting to a religious sect to be the third wife and all these other fairy-tales.

There are no people out there who are better then other men in virtually every aspect. Just drop it.
 
LunaBunny - I absolutely agree with so many of the points that you have raised but WRT:

Some poly folks re: the current laws of [insert country of residence] as rather irrelevant to the "intent" of marriage. Some of our posters DO consider themselves married to more than one partner (BlueBird and Dagferi for instance). There are plenty of posts on these boards about non-legal ceremonies and hand-fasting marriages - so it is not an entirely unreasonable proposition. Just because someone is already "legally" married, does not necessarily mean that they can't entertain a proposal of an "extra-legal" "marriage-like" arrangement.

Just sayin' is all :rolleyes:.

(Personally, if there weren't tax/financial benefits to being married then I wouldn't bother doing the legal bit...MrS was never keen on it in the first place.)

Oh, I am absolutely aware, Jane. In fact, I am in a similar situation to the aforementioned posters on this forum. After I separated from my legal husband, Red, and became involved with Jester, he asked me to marry him and we were engaged. I wear his ring.

I then became involved with Boho and after some time had passed, it was clear there was no primary or secondary - both are co-primaries. However, as they live in another country I plan to move... and because of their individual life circumstances, it'd make more sense (legally and financially) for me to legally marry Boho. We all discussed it and that's where we're at. So I get it.

What I DIDN'T "get" was the above in the context of the OP's story... i.e. He and his wife had only JUST gotten married legally. At the time Farmer's proposal happened, Farmer hadn't been with Wife long AT ALL by most people's standards... not to mention the OP/husband is clearly uncomfortable and not on board with the situation... yet here is Farmer obliviously proposing marriage to OP's wife when they were barely back from their delayed honeymoon.

If this timeline and all other details are accurate, it just seems way OTT bordering on disrespectful. Cowboyish, as I said in my other comment.
 
I just can't understand why she wants this so much when she can see it hurts us so much. She has never been an egoistic person before but I can't help feeling she is willing to risk everything just to get something she wants.

I have dreams too but if I see that they hurt someone I love I simply don't do them.

This poly farm thing is not your dream.

And it hurts you. You are a "someone." So simply don't do this.

I have three choices:
1. Accept it and try to do the best of it.
Result: I will still have my wife in my life but I will have to share her with someone she finds more exciting and attractive in HIS home, which will make me the B-relationship.

This one is not good for your well being. Do not do this.

2. Tell her she can't continue with him:
Result: She would hate her life, hate what she have done with our relationship and this will end with us breaking up within a few months and then she would move by herself to him.

This damages your relationship with her because you are bossing her around.

You can request she not do this. But you cannot tell her she cannot continue. She is not your child.

3. Say bye bye to her.
Result: She would move to him.

Possibly.

None of those are great.

Yet there is option #4.

You can do is tell her YOU cannot do this. You do not want to be on a farm. And you do not want to be in a poly "V" relationship of any kind, much less the B relationship. So SHE has to make a choice. Give this hurtful want up, or give her marriage up.

She might still move to him, but that choice at least honors YOUR well being. You state what your limits and preferences are.

You HAVE to be able to say "I love you a whole lot. But not even for you will I do stuff that hurts me."

It will suck if it is a break up. :(

Yet there was life before her. There will be life after her. Even if it is hard to imagine right now.

Do not let your grief/anger over all this make you pick things that are MORE damaging to you and your kids. There's been damage enough.

Galagirl
 
Most of our friends have defined our relationship as the one to be inspired by and nothing has ever come between us. We are the best of friends, we have amaaazing sex (still) and we are even married since one year.

He looks better than me, he is better at sex, he lives a more interesting life and he has a lot larger penis than I have (it's important since she is fascinated by large penises)

they had sex within 6 days from the first time they met. We also occasionally have threesomes where I can witness by myself that she enjoys the sex with him about 10 times more than with me... I've never seen her enjoy sex more before. She has transformed from this sexually amazing woman to a professional who USES ALL THREE HOLES with him which she rarely did with me up until he showed up. She has orgasms I've never even dreamt of was possible.

She is the love of my life. The one my whole universe rotates around. She is a one in a million and has the heart the size of a planet (and a body that is equal as good)
At the moment she at his house having sex for the second time in 7 hours

No offence, Gunnar, but the above reads a lot like a pornographic cuckold/humiliation fantasy. (Unfortunately, this forum has seen quite a few people posting about similar scenarios, with a heavy emphasis on sex and "large penises" simply to express their own sexual fantasies.)
If you're posting here in order to receive genuine advice from others about a very real and distressing problem, then this is what I'd say/ask:

Oh, I wish I was cuckold. This would have been so much easier that way.

I don't get it. Why does it sound like a story?
I can prove every single thing about it.


Gunnar, the reason I initially wondered if this were a fantasy/story - as have others on the forum after me, although I can't speak for their reasons - is because of your own use of language when describing the situation.

Your words choices are quite hyperbolic/exaggerated: you alternately appear to idealise your wife's attributes, the love you share, and the sex you have with her... then follow it up with phrases that devalue and sexually objectify her and her body. (AND her other partner.)

See the sentences in BOLD, above. Especially the part about "all three holes" and the other guy's enormous penis. This is porny talk, and not an especially respectful or mature way to discuss issues you're having in your marriage, IMHO.

Nevertheless, I put these reservations aside and offered you serious advice, as have a number of other posters here. If everything is as you say, please HEED the advice given pertaining to the fact that you do not have to agree to a relationship or lifestyle that makes you uncomfortable and offers you little in the way of rights or security for you as an individual, a marriage partner, and a father.


Hi Gunnar, I'm sorry that you have gotten sarcastic/rude replies. You have to understand that people often use this forum for fantasy or story writing purposes and some people have been burned by it enough to react poorly.
That being said your story does read like a well, story.

Because it's hard to believe that a man who isn't a cuck to some extent would allow all of this to happen to him without a fight. You tell it like you have no choice while you do, everyone does.

It does read like a story though. I don't want to be suspicious on this forum, but I can't help it after falling pray to the poster with sister-incest and (the same?) one converting to a religious sect to be the third wife and all these other fairy-tales.

Exactly. And the sister-incest one was only a recent one of MANY similar, sex-oriented fantasies we've had to wade through here, expend vast amounts of energy on... only to figure out/call out the person concerned and watch them disappear into the sunset.

As I recall, most of the fantasists/writers appear to be guys ("guys") purporting to be undergoing some form of sexual humiliation at the hands of their wives and another, "better" new man. So yeah, this is where the suspicion definitely springs from.

Now... back to business again.

it sounds like you had occasional mmf threesomes but not that your wife was allowed to go out and fuck someone without permission so how are you not angry that she essentially cheated on you? Did you take the time to process that?
Her falling "inlove" does not excuse her falling onto his bigger dick without talking to you about it first.

There are no people out there who are better then other men in virtually every aspect. .

Gunnar, it's difficult for us to tell if your wife began her relationship with Farmer ethically or not, considering you two WERE "open" and DID willingly engage in sex with others - you say only/mainly in each other's presence.

Well... you were there in that sauna when your wife and Farmer started talking. I assume you knew they were flirting and were initially okay with that. Perhaps you wanted to include him in your once-a-year threesomes/group sex activity - that you were clearly alright with. You say you're not a cuck, but for sure this is kinda "hot-wife" scenario, you must agree with that.

The (unforeseen, from your POV) problem with this type of behaviour, as you're finding out, is you CANNOT consent to such activity and expect your partner to NEVER develop any kind of feelings for the other person. For many people, women especially (though I generalise), sexual intimacy is just that: intimate. It may or may not lead to "love", but the possibility is almost always on the cards.

Now you're stuck with the results of your decision to live this lifestyle - i.e. non-monogamy/occasional group sex/swinging, whatever you want to call it.

I feel for the position you've been put in, but you DO have some say-so regarding how you choose to participate, going forward.
 
...he has a lot larger penis than I have (it's important since she is fascinated by large penises)

FWIW, I stopped reading after this. Very few women give a rip about penis size and the few who do will say that they prefer this size or that. I have never in my life met a woman who was fascinated by large penises. I don't really care whether our Swedish friend is telling a real story or not, but the description of this woman and her BF is written from a cucky porny perspective. There's a huge dose of humiliation woven into the sexuality in all of this, which isn't wrong, but it's definitely there.
 
FWIW, I stopped reading after this. Very few women give a rip about penis size and the few who do will say that they prefer this size or that. I have never in my life met a woman who was fascinated by large penises. I don't really care whether our Swedish friend is telling a real story or not, but the description of this woman and her BF is written from a cucky porny perspective. There's a huge dose of humiliation woven into the sexuality in all of this, which isn't wrong, but it's definitely there.

As a guy who has not been blessed with a huge penis, I can tell you there are certainly size queens out there. That being said, I think the problem with his size is all in his head. But that doesn't make his feelings any less real.
 
Gunnar,
From reading through all this I get the impression that this is a pattern your wife follows to some extent - 5 yearish relationship then move on. It's a pattern of addiction to the feeling a new relatioship brings out. I knew a girl like this once. When I was her "new relationship" it was the best feeling ever, like we were meant to be together, like we were soul mates.... then suddenly it changed and she felt that way with someone else. It hurt and sucked big time. But I moved on. And I watched as that girl went from one guy to another to another... it was a very destructive pattern for everyone involved. To me it sounds like this is what your wife does, and it sounds like she has pretty much checked out of your relationship she just doesn't want to be the evil one by dumping you, she wants you to make the choice to leave. Telling you that you have to explain things to the kids - that's not a partner, thats not someone who wants to be involved. I think polyamoury is just the excuse this time she is using to move on, making things impossible for you to accept so you just leave. If I was you, I would prepare myself for this relationship to end. I know right now that seems the end of all things, but it's not. You will overcome, it'll take time but you will. There are so many other amazing people out there.
Anyway, I don't know you or your wife so I could be completely wrong. That's just how I'm reading this.


Edit - A few more thoughts on this I had while doing house chores..

I've been in your shoes, I've been at that point of desperation when a relationship is endind where I've asked for advice hoping someone is going to say do A, B, and C and things will go back to how they were. Unfortunately that just doesn't happen. I think deep down you know what's happening, you know that it's over. And I think you are indeed angry at her, and that accounts for some of the way you are wording things. Her being a professional using "all three holes", etc. That is anger at her coming out.
 
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FWIW, I stopped reading after this. Very few women give a rip about penis size and the few who do will say that they prefer this size or that. I have never in my life met a woman who was fascinated by large penises. I don't really care whether our Swedish friend is telling a real story or not, but the description of this woman and her BF is written from a cucky porny perspective. There's a huge dose of humiliation woven into the sexuality in all of this, which isn't wrong, but it's definitely there.

Fascinated and care... I guess I'm a rare woman lol, nice to meet you. And I've always been this way since the first one I touched and thought, wow it's so small I hope they get bigger.
His feelings of inadequacy in regards to his size are real, and a lot of men have them even those with a good above average size.
 
I guess I'm giving up on this forum now. I came her expecting open minded people capable of giving good advice and some of you have proven to be just that and I'm grateful to you.

However you others that disbelieve everything I've written I do have some things to say before I leave:

1. Everything I've written has been the truth and I am really in a bad situation needing help and advice.

2. The sauna thing, scandinavian names, scandinavian settings etc was because we all live in scandinavia. Just because YOU don't doesn't mean that nobody else do.

3. The quotes about him having a large dick and her loving it are from HER OWN texting with him (yes, we have no secrets regarding her communications with him)

I'm sorry that me being frank and honest and not toning down her words made you believe I have made all of this up.

But since you weren't capable of giving me advice, I can give you one back:

Next time, be more open about that there can be people in other countries that are poly too and that sexuality, language and usage of words can differ from yours. English is only my second language and although I believe I'm pretty good at it you must be capable of accepting that I sometimes need to take short cuts and use words that you normally wouldn't use yourself.

That doesn't mean I'm a liar or making things up.

So thanks for nothing. I came here feeling really bad and was in need of understanding.

I leave here feeling worse.
 
Well OP, as you leave here I hope you get some help from a professional because your wife is and will destroy you emotionally since from everything you have written you are just being brought along as baggage to farmer Thor.

What is totally baffling is you’re APPARANT total fascination and adoration of this guy who has in essence stolen your wife. He’s better looking, better at everything aside for from the penis, and the most bizarre thing is your insistence of what a GREAT guy he is and how much you like him. Quite frankly, the overwhelm,in number of men in Scandinavia and the rest of of the world would be more inclined to run him over with his own tractor than gush about what a great catch he is.

So I’m not doubting your story. What I am baffled about is how an adult woman falls in love with a big dick in six days to the point she wants to uproot her family and her husband even considers it.

Once you get over your man adoration society for the farmer I hope you can dream with what you need to do
 
What is totally baffling is you’re APPARANT total fascination and adoration of this guy who has in essence stolen your wife.

This is what most seem to be tuning into about your story, Gunnar, and it gets to the heart of what you might change about your perspective so that your life can move forward in a positive way.

I don't see that your English or your being Swedish has anything to do with the feedback you've received. You have gotten four pages of thoughtful and varied responses, yet you choose to see all of this as so much dismissive judgement. This is an international community of people with experience with polyamory. Why not sift through and seriously consider what people have to say? There's a lot of value in what many people have taken the time to write. As we often remind ourselves here, this is not a support forum, it's a discussion forum. Blanket support would not be of much help to anyone, but insight from experienced people sure can be. Why not re-read this considerable discussion and cull out the ideas that will help you move yourself forward?
 
and the most bizarre thing is your insistence of what a GREAT guy he is and how much you like him.

Why would I hate a person because he is in love with my wife and my wife has fallen in love with him? Sure, I hate the SITUATION but there's nothing fundamentally wrong with him really. If I look at all this objectively (which I try), then it's easy to see he is a nice guy and I can understand why my wife has fallen for him.

And besides, if I need to hate HIM because of the situation, then I must equally hate my wife and what's the point of even trying to solve this then?

And third: Perhaps I'm different from many since I am incapable of feeling hate towards others. Even those who have hurt me in the past. That's just the way I am. I always look for the good in people. Sorry about that.

And no. I am not fascinated by him. I do however feel inferior to him and since I regard myself a pretty good catch I felt I needed to point out that he has qualities many guys lack. Otherwise you would have assumed I was a below-the-average-guy with low self esteem that felt inferior to most others. Perhaps wrong of me but at the time I thought it was a good idea to point it out.
 
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In any case, IF you decide to stay with your wife, I wouldn't agree to move anywhere. You cannot stop HER from moving.

Then I guess it's just waiting for the NRE to pass - if it does - and seeing if the situation settles down. Once they've had a few arguments and dealt with "real world" issues together, your wife may not see this other man as some perfect ideal and may look at the overall situation more realistically.

But whatever you decide to do... I'd guard your own emotions as much as possible (not put yourself into positions where you can compare or see them have sex; don't move to the farm)... and mostly importantly, do what is best for your children.
 
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