Going from someone's Primary partner to their Secondary

radfluff

New member
Hey all, I'm Kallahan and I'm new to this site as well as new to the world of polyamory. So maybe the question I'm about to ask is a bit naive, but everyone has to start somewhere, right?

I'd been thinking about the situations in a polyamorous relationship that might cause jealousy within me and how I can healthily deal with that jealousy in such a way that doesn't harm my relationship or my partner. Because lets be real, even in a polyamorous relationship people get jealous because jealousy is a human emotion. For me personally, I've found that jealousy is rooted in insecurity. The only real reason that it might bother me that my partner wants to be with someone else, emotionally or physically, is that it makes me feel like they don't want me as much, or that I'm not good/fulfilling enough for them. So if I know that my partner really cares about me, and I feel comfortable in my relationship with them, I know that them loving other people doesn't change their love for me. This can be as simple as just communicating to my partner how I'm feeling and asking for some extra TLC and validation to remind myself and reaffirm that the other person their with doesn't make them love me less.

But it has occurred to me that it's possible that my partner could find someone that they love MORE than they love me. So, sure they care about me, but not as deeply as they care about this other person. And then all of a sudden I've gone from being one of their primary partners to being a secondary. I have no idea how I would handle this kind of situation, because I know it would make me feel rejected and not good enough for them, and VERY jealous of the other person whom they care for more.

TLDR;

How do you handle/cope with a partner finding someone they like better than you and not wanting you as much anymore? Are there steps you can take in a relationship to ensure this doesn't occur?
 
But it has occurred to me that it's possible that my partner could find someone that they love MORE than they love me. So, sure they care about me, but not as deeply as they care about this other person. And then all of a sudden I've gone from being one of their primary partners to being a secondary. I have no idea how I would handle this kind of situation, because I know it would make me feel rejected and not good enough for them, and VERY jealous of the other person whom they care for more.

TLDR;

How do you handle/cope with a partner finding someone they like better than you and not wanting you as much anymore? Are there steps you can take in a relationship to ensure this doesn't occur?

I highlighted the word "possible" above because this is where imaginary monsters can get a foothold and begin sleeping under our beds, so to speak.

Every time you imagine imaginary monsters it's important to highlight the word, bold and underline it, and realize just that: it's imaginary. It's not happening right now. ... But it can begin to feel as if it were happening right now merely by holding it in the imagination, as if it were something real and not made up out of pure thin blue air.

If you have no reason to believe that there really is this particular monster sleeping under your bed, practice the delicate yet powerful art of dissolving imaginary monsters. Notice that there is an imaginary monster and then recognize that monster is make believe ... and then let it dissolve in the light of awareness (the awareness that it is all fabricated out of thin air). Only real monsters don't dissolve in the light of such awareness. But yours is not a real monster, is it?

Okay, now, skipping ahead a little....

"my partner could find someone that they love MORE than they love me."

That could happen. But ten million other things can happen, too, and if you feed them emotional energy just on the mere possibility that they could happen -- "A meteorite could fall out of the sky and land right on his/her head" -- ... you're in deep poop. But what might actually happen, which is probably much more probable, is that your partner might get caught up in a flurry of wild NRE (New Relationship Energy, as poly folk call it). And this could trigger the heck out of the imaginary monster dwelling under your bed. But the time to deal with these kinds of things is not now, since none of this is happening right now. It's all imaginary. You really cannot solve non-existing problems now so as to avoid them should they happen in the future. But should your partner, in the future, get wildly drunk on NRE I'd advise you to simply recognize it as what it is, a large dose of intoxicating, sparkling magic fairy dust which has him/her all excited. That level of drunkenness will eventually pass. It may be a bit of a monster, but you can ride this one. Saddle up!
 
Hey all, I'm Kallahan and I'm new to this site as well as new to the world of polyamory.

Hello and Welcome!

So maybe the question I'm about to ask is a bit naive, but everyone has to start somewhere, right?

This may sound a little extra-philosophical but I prefer to frame my persective as - rather than "starting" somewhere, which, to me, implies "ending" somewhere else and framing yourself as being "naive" - we are all on a Journey, sometimes we are closer to our (perceived)(for now) destination. Sometimes on our Journey we take the scenic route, or get side tracked, and sometimes the new route becomes the Journey (for now). We meet people along the way that are at different places in their own Journey - we learn from them, we teach them, our Journeys continue.

I'd been thinking about the situations in a polyamorous relationship that might cause jealousy within me and how I can healthily deal with that jealousy in such a way that doesn't harm my relationship or my partner. Because lets be real, even in a polyamorous relationship people get jealous because jealousy is a human emotion. For me personally, I've found that jealousy is rooted in insecurity. The only real reason that it might bother me that my partner wants to be with someone else, emotionally or physically, is that it makes me feel like they don't want me as much, or that I'm not good/fulfilling enough for them. So if I know that my partner really cares about me, and I feel comfortable in my relationship with them, I know that them loving other people doesn't change their love for me. This can be as simple as just communicating to my partner how I'm feeling and asking for some extra TLC and validation to remind myself and reaffirm that the other person their with doesn't make them love me less.

So, introspection is Good. Understanding where your jealous feelings are likely to arise from, in yourself (insecurity, fear of loss, etc.) and then being aware of choices and decisions that you make and whether they aid you or hinder you is, I think, a useful exercise. Realize, however, that jealousy is not always a "green-eyed-monster" to be avoided at all costs. Sometimes, our emotions are triggered for very good and justified reasons - our expectations are unrealistic, our self-esteem is being whittled away by unhealthy partnerships, etc.

But it has occurred to me that it's possible that my partner could find someone that they love MORE than they love me. So, sure they care about me, but not as deeply as they care about this other person. And then all of a sudden I've gone from being one of their primary partners to being a secondary. I have no idea how I would handle this kind of situation, because I know it would make me feel rejected and not good enough for them, and VERY jealous of the other person whom they care for more.

I find comparisons in terms of "more" difficult when applied to subjective experiences like love. How do you measure that? What, objectively, does that look like? More time? More money? More consideration? Different people have different needs - some people "need" more attention, more sex, more communication, more "fill-in-the-blank" than I do, and some people "need" less.

So rather than comparing "who gets more" - it is probably useful to consider, am I getting "enough" of what I need to be happy and healthy in this relationship? And if I feel that I am NOT - are my "needs" realistic? There are circumstances where a person could get every single bit of another person's time, attention, consideration, etc. and it still NOT be "enough". Just saying.

How do you handle/cope with a partner finding someone they like better than you and not wanting you as much anymore?

Again, aside from the NRE stage when people get swept away, which others can address. Your partner may like different things about their new partner more than certain things about you - I view that as pretty inevitable, we are different people. Even if they love you "the same amount" (whatever THAT means) they will love their new person DIFFERENTLY than they love you, because THAT relationship is Unique to itself.

On the flip side, it can happen in relationships that someone may find themselves "not wanting you as much" for reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with poly or other partners. People change, and sometimes people grow apart, and sometimes relationships end - which doesn't mean that they were not successful, but that they had run their course.

Are there steps you can take in a relationship to ensure this doesn't occur?

There are no relationship insurance policies.:rolleyes:

But there are a number of things that you can try to avoid - DON'T take your partner for granted, DON'T forget to cultivate the things that made you fall in love in the first place, DON'T neglect the little things that you know they appreciate. DON'T let yourself be neglected - ask for what you want, but realize that the answer is allowed to be "No".

In other words - you maintain a healthy relationship by doing the things that keep a relationship healthy. So often, it seems, that people just let their relationships coast, and it is only when a "new threat" comes along that they realize that their relationship is not as strong as they assumed it was and then they are scrambling to figure out what they are doing wrong while fighting the jealously and insecurity that comes from change.
 
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@Janeqsmythe and @River,

Thank you so much for your advice, both of you said somethings that really helped me.
 
:)
 
There's nothing wrong with asking your partner if they'd be willing to give you extra reassurance when they start a new relationship, but is that the best strategy to satisfy your ultimate desire of maintaining the love and connection you share?

Thinking about your partner meeting someone new and falling in love with the new person, you feel afraid when you imagine your partner's love for you changing or even diminishing, and you want to know that your connection with your partner is safe and that you'll still be significant when they meet someone else. That seems fairly reasonable to me.

I don't agree with the quantitative comparison of love either, but for argument's sake: What's likely to drive your partner to love their new partner "more" than you: putting focus on your troubling thoughts and feeding your fears, using couple-time to talk about your insecurities that you could mostly deal with on your increased personal time; or putting focus into what you and your partner love about your relationship, and using your couple-time to ask your partner what's going on for them, how they're feeling about their new relationship, what you can do to make their life more enjoyable, and use their NRE overflow to screw like bunnies if that's your thing?

In my experience, other people almost never "come between" loving, committed partners. Relationships are not usually poisoned, they rot from within. If your partner meets someone new and seems to "love them more" then it's one of two things: (a) "honeymoon phase" colloquially, or NRE in the poly-lingo, which is temporary and will fade without harming your relationship as long as you keep your cool and keep being the awesome partner they fell in love with in the first place, instead of getting all wiggy and putting extra new demands on your relationship; or (b) your partner realising that there were core problems in the relationship all along, and seems to be checking out instead of trying to fix them.

I can understand how (b) would be traumatic. But possibly such a partner is a serial monogamist and uses "primary" and "secondary" labels so they can keep back-ups for when their core relationships get too challenging... in which case, you dodge a bullet!

This is part of the reason I find hierarchical labels less than useful. Calling someone a primary does nothing to specify what kind of commitment you're making to each other, let alone specify characteristics that identify primary or secondary territory. Having one's identity as a primary based on little more than than a partner's arbitrary declaration? Anyone might find that triggering!
 
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I've been slightly more than slightly intoxicated on what I had taken (and hoped) to be NRE a couple of times while with my partner of many years. Neither of these times has the presumably NR been that, exactly. It was only the hope of it combined with the hint of it's actual possibility.

Happily, and somewhat luckily, my actual partner was patient and understanding with me in these times. :p I'm pretty darn lucky this way, actually.

NRE has a potent life of its own, even when it--too--is more imagined than real. :D
 
Re (from Kallahan):
"How do you handle/cope with a partner finding someone they like better than you and not wanting you as much anymore? Are there steps you can take in a relationship to ensure this doesn't occur?"

About the only way I know to ensure it doesn't happen is to only pair up with staunchly monogamous individuals who won't pursue any additional partners under any circumstances. And even then, there's always that outside chance that people change. Once you are paired up with a poly partner, you run the risk of them finding someone they like better than you. And let's face it, you run that risk with a monogamous partner too. Love is always a risk. If you find yourself in a situation where you are demoted to secondary, you have to decide if it's worth staying in that relationship. If it's a poly relationship, you can always seek other partners of your own, and there might be someone out there who'll still love you as a primary even if your first partner doesn't. Sorry, that's the best I can think of at this time.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
The above replies are so great and helpful! I echo everything in them, here are my comments/thoughts...

I initially thought I was going to be in more of a hierarchy when I started this and stay primaries with my partner (husband). However, the above scenario you mentioned sort of happened, although not in those words. My partner likes the idea of relationship anarchy. I'm not certain that's what he's actually doing, but i guess he likes it in theory. He doesn't consider either of us (his partners) to be primary. Right now his other partner seems to take priority over me. While I do get upset about this, I also remain open to the fact that there is an ebb and flow to relationships, and timing. I still feel very secure in our connection, and I don't have fears about losing him. It has taken a lot of processing and experiences to get to this point that I'm at!

I'm trying to let things flow and not use language or labels around my relationships. This is what is working for me right now. Not sure if this is helpful or not. I think my point is that things can seem to shift or swing in one direction (because of NRE or other things) but that they stabilize and can also swing back.
 
Thanks for bringing this topic up. I experienced quite a bit of NRE--I'm very quick to fall into it, it seems--and my wife had a lot of these same worries. Like River, I know I'm pretty lucky she was able to hold out through (if not easily, successfully). Maybe some of this conversation will help me talk to her about her remaining insecurities.
 
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