I think I messed up big time??

Likeapanda101

New member
So i feel like my problem might not be relatable to people on here, but I don't know where else to talk about this.

So for a few years I've been super curious about polyamory. It just makes sense to me, it makes sense for my needs, and I figured I wasn't the jealous type so it would be a relatively easy transition. What I didn't consider is my tendency to be overly insecure.

So I started dating this guy, and things have been going AMAZING. It was one of those things where we met and felt like we knew each other forever. At the beggining, I mentioned how I was pretty sure a poly relationship is something I needed. He told me that he had a rough experience with being led on by this girl and basically being her back-up. Because of that, he wanted a casual relationship for now. To him that meant pretty much everything out of a normal relationship, but not any pressure on the future, and he didn't want to put to much emotional reliance. Some was okay, but he didn't want for example to vent all his problems and rely on me in case things fall apart. That seemed super reasonable to me, since that takes time anyways and I figured I'd be around by the time he was ready. He told me in return he's cool with me being poly so I could find support elsewhere if he wasn't ready to be there for me, but if things got serious we might go over what her or not polyamory has a place in our relationship. While going over boundaries and stuff, he basically said he's cool with me being poly, but he can't see himself dating other people and if we get serious he's not sure he could deal with a poly relationship. This i was cool with, because I didnt know how things would go and there's a chance he might give me everything I need in the future so I could be fine with that.
We've been together a few weeks now. We've grown super close super quick. He ended up venting to me one night, and I felt like he was trusting me to be in his life, and it felt amazing and made my anxieties about the casualness go away.
Today he casually mentioned he has a date with a girl. At first I was confused because he said he didn't feel any desire to date multiple people. Then I wondered, is he just curious how it feels or is there something he feels is lacking with me?
That's when it dawned on me, in the years of wondering if poly would work for me I didn't think about how I'd feel if my partner has an actual girlfriend. I keep thinking about having to share him, and it feels so bad. I keep asking myself what's making me jealous and what I would need in order to feel more comfortable here, but I'm not sure anything would. I know things are casual now, but I want to be the one he sticks with when he's ready to commit. I feel this absolute weight- I might not be poly. I've been thinking selfishly about my needs, and I don't know what to do. I feel like the tables have turned and I can't go back. Like, what if he decided to be poly because of me but now I'm not and I have to stick with it for him? Am I just over reacting or is my reaction normal for a newbie poly??

I know I have no right to get this upset when he's doing what I would've done and we're still new and casual, but also I feel like he should still be so in the new relationship giddyness that a date doesn't seem ideal. I turned down a few dates because i felt like it was too soon to add someone else, i just don't get whats going on with him, and I can't talk to him till I'm more level headed and have thought this through. Any ideas what's going on with him/ any explanations for how I'm feeling?
 
To clarify, I know what I'm feeling is selfish, and I know that what I really need to do is talk to him. However, I need to know what i Even should talk about.
Any experience or advice on
-whether I'm actually poly or if I'm just having a weird panic attack/ adjustment issue
-what it means when someone doesn't want to be poly then suddenly they do
-what to do if suddenly I'm mono and he's poly
-what am I allowed to do/ ask of him at this point
- how to deal with jealousy
-if we talk about how I'm feeling, how should that go

Anything (besides telling me how bad I messed up) helps
 
To clarify, I know what I'm feeling is selfish

Selfish? No.
Self aware? Yes.

It's perfectly OK for you to discover that you prefer monogamy. It's perfectly OK for you to discover that you prefer monogamy with this man and that you might find poly is better suited for a different partner somewhere down the road.

I had a couple of really good poly relationships in these last few years and came to discover that for the long term, I prefer monogamy with the option to be sexually open. That doesn't make me selfish, it makes me aware of what works for me. During my poly relationships, I would have called myself poly because I was pretty happy in them, but exploration isn't conscription. What's wonderful about our social world now is that we are free of many of the social contracts that used to bind us for life, whether we liked it or not. Today we are free to try out all sorts of relationship and identity types - and you are, too. Enjoy this freedom!
 
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I'm sorry you struggle.

FWIW? This is only a few weeks in. Things don't have to be THIS hard. That said? Step back and reassess. Because not everyone one dates is nice. They might only be playing at "nice."

Any ideas what's going on with him/ any explanations for how I'm feeling?

Are you being love bombed? I could be wrong. But that was my first thought.

So I started dating this guy, and things have been going AMAZING. It was one of those things where we met and felt like we knew each other forever.

Cuz this seems too much too fast to me.

At the beggining, I mentioned how I was pretty sure a poly relationship is something I needed. He told me that he had a rough experience with being led on by this girl and basically being her back-up. Because of that, he wanted a casual relationship for now. To him that meant pretty much everything out of a normal relationship, but not any pressure on the future, and he didn't want to put to much emotional reliance.

If he's hurt that bad, and he doesn't want to get close to people, why's he dating already rather than healing himself? :confused:

To me that sounds like wants to get access to all your services but with a handy excuse so he doesn't have to provide you with anything. One way street instead of two way street.

Be different if he just says "I want casual dating. I don't want to get serious, and I want to see other people. After X months, if things look good we can talk again if we want to change to more serious." Fair enough. Nobody promises to "go steady" or anything here. Each of you can date other people in the meanwhile.

But coming on SO strong and then all these "boundaries/rules" so soon... and then pulling back -- wassup with that?

Some was okay, but he didn't want for example to vent all his problems and rely on me in case things fall apart.

To me that sounds like paving the way. Where YOU don't rely on HIM for anything but you are gonna get tapped soon.

He told me in return he's cool with me being poly so I could find support elsewhere if he wasn't ready to be there for me

How "generous." He's ok with you being poly. But don't expect any emotional support here.

but if things got serious we might go over what her or not polyamory has a place in our relationship.

And he assumes this is a relationship already? I thought it was just casual dating? He wants his options open, but then you have to fall into line with whether or not he wants poly later on?

We've been together a few weeks now. We've grown super close super quick.

AGAIN... Why so fast? :confused:

He ended up venting to me one night, and I felt like he was trusting me to be in his life, and it felt amazing and made my anxieties about the casualness go away.

Why is he breaking his own boundaries? Was getting you to think he was "trusting you" the goal?

To love bomb you and make you feel "amazing?" And like you are "special"?

If dating him makes you anxious... do you feel SAFE in this relationship? :confused:

Today he casually mentioned he has a date with a girl. At first I was confused because he said he didn't feel any desire to date multiple people.

And here comes the weird... I am concerned you are being set up. He says one thing then does another. To see how much you will swallow and accept. It starts little, then it gets bigger.

I feel this absolute weight- I might not be poly. I've been thinking selfishly about my needs, and I don't know what to do.

If this dating experience has helped you realize that you don't actually want poly? Then you learned something. And that's ok.

Figuring your own self out is NOT being selfish.

I feel like the tables have turned and I can't go back. Like, what if he decided to be poly because of me but now I'm not and I have to stick with it for him?

You DO NOT have to stick with it for him. You can ALWAYS drop out.

You can say "Well, thanks for your time and the dating. I think we both learned things about ourselves through the experience. You learned you want to move on to poly. I learned I don't want it any more. We are no longer compatible for more dating. But I wish you well. GL!"

And then you bow out and end it. You have only been dating a few weeks, hon. You don't have to sign over your whole life to the dude. In fact, you NEVER have to sign over your life to anyone ever.

Any ideas what's going on with him/ any explanations for how I'm feeling?

I think he hooked you into thinking you were "special" with getting so close SO fast and "sharing" whatever with his venting. And you see it as "we're getting closer!"

And because I'm cynical I see it as "Wait up. He says one thing and does another.... is this set up? Love bombing? What is the REAL game here?"

And I'd be thinking "So that ex GF... I wonder what HER take on this would be? Cuz if he was a jerk to her, it's a nicer story for him to paint her as the "unreasononable ex" to try to catch a new one. Rather than him saying "My ex dumped me because I played head games. Can I play them with you?"

It's ok to trust people over time. But sometimes too much too fast and putting you on the emotional roller coaster.... I'd be leery.

So tread carefully is my advice.

You owe this guy NOTHING. Don't get sucked into doing things for him just to keep him around and get another hit/high of "amazing."

Sometimes it is not you being insecure. It is the SITUATION being unstable. Up and downy.

To clarify, I know what I'm feeling is selfish, and I know that what I really need to do is talk to him. However, I need to know what i Even should talk about.

If things seem hinky here? I think it is OK to be worried and concerned about your own well being. To be worried about your own well being is NOT being selfish. It is doing self care to watch your own self and take good care of you.

Any experience or advice on
-whether I'm actually poly or if I'm just having a weird panic attack/ adjustment issue

If you are not normally like this? And after jsut a few weeks together this guy's been hot and heavy too fast and now makes you doubt everything about your life? STOP. Remember...You've been dating him a few weeks. Ask yourself... why are you THIS bent out of shape?

Step back and examine if you are being taken for a ride or love bombed or something. Not everyone one dates is "nice." Some people are users.

To me? This story makes me think there's been mind games going on so be VERY careful.

-what it means when someone doesn't want to be poly then suddenly they do

It means you have to re-evaluate the relationship and if you still want to keep on dating them in light of new information.

(Maybe they had an epiphany. Or maybe they were lying all along. Either way? Still have to reassess. Cuz you thought the deal was X and it turns out to be Y. )

-what to do if suddenly I'm mono and he's poly

Same thing. It means you have to re-evaluate the relationship and if you still want to keep on dating them in light of new information. You may no longer be compatible for long term dating.

-what am I allowed to do/ ask of him at this point

You ask them what you want to know. You are not a mind reader. Asking is how you find out. You are "allowed" to ask ANYTHING. He is not your parent. You are also always "allowed" to walk away from anything you don't want to be doing or that gives you weird vibes. You could say...

"Things seem to be changing. Could you please be willing to update me on what it is you seek at this point in time?"

or

"Thanks for the dating. This isn't working for me. I think we best part ways. GL!"


How to deal with jealousy

Well, you don't want to share a partner? Your preference has changed? You stop poly dating and date to find exclusive/closed/monogamous. That right there will cut down on the jealous/upset because your dating partner wants to be exclusive/closed/monogamous as you do.

If it is this one guy? He's a pot stirrer? Get away from him. Then you can feel better.

If we talk about how I'm feeling, how should that go

It should be respectful and a healthy discussion like in any healthy relationship. This chart defines healthy relationship and unhealthy relationship.

http://familyconsumersciences.com/wp-content/uploads/Power-Control-Wheels.pdf

If he flips it around on your or plays other head games? Walk away.

Again, only been dating a few weeks. If it is too much drama/hassle at a few weeks in? WALK AWAY. This is when people are trying to put their best face forward. If this is all he has for "best?" It is ok to skip.

Galagirl
 
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I never even considered that there might be some manipulation here. I think he has mostly innocent intentions, but if he really is manipulating me then I'd probably be conditioned to feel that way. Regardless, this was super helpful. I guess just slowing my roll with him and watching to see if he contradicts himself, and talking about what made him decided to date will help make me feel a little less confused. Thanks!
 
I think slowing your roll could be wise. Also asking him questions and spending more time getting to know him -- but taking care not to get all caught up in the NRE amazings.

Maybe he's just "rusty" at dating if he's coming off a rough relationship. I do want to think kindly of others.

At the same time,if there IS something hinky... going slower would help you not get too caught up in the NRE lalas so you can take more of a measured pace here with him. It's only a few weeks in. It is ok to be cautious and not rush to put all your eggs in one basket. YKWIM?

Looking out for your well being is NOT selfish. If you get mixed messages, ask for clarification.

Don't turn down dates with other people if you really just want to be out there dating. You aren't going steady with this guy. Enjoy yourself.

Galagirl
 
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I think, as you and GG have discussed, that slowing your roll is a good idea regardless...I get the feeling that things are "clicking" so well, like you have known each other forever - for me that generally indicates a new FRIEND, but romantic relationships take longer for me. Pause. Deep breath. This is a few weeks (in my world, "less than a minute") - you have barely MET each other (despite venting/revelations).

That being said - just because you have unexpected feelings does NOT (in my estimation) mean that you are not poly and that poly is not the right direction for you. I have never (literally never, since before I ever considered relationshipping) considered monogamy as a viable alternative for me, and I still reacted similarly when the situation was similar to yours (see post #11 in my Journey Blog).

My take is that subconscious programming of our society goes deeper than we care to acknowledge. You are entitled to feel whatever you feel, don't deny it, but you don't have to let it define you.
 
I'm not going to say you "messed up", but here are the parts where I believe you weren't/aren't thinking clearly or logically:

So for a few years I've been super curious about polyamory. It just makes sense to me, it makes sense for my needs, and I figured I wasn't the jealous type so it would be a relatively easy transition.

So I started dating this guy...At the beggining, I mentioned how I was pretty sure a poly relationship is something I needed.

That's when it dawned on me, in the years of wondering if poly would work for me I didn't think about how I'd feel if my partner has an actual girlfriend. I keep thinking about having to share him, and it feels so bad.

I feel this absolute weight- I might not be poly.


So you've been considering polyamory for yourself for a *few years* and the basic poly paradigm makes sense to you. You say you feel/felt it was a *need* and expressed this to new guy right off the bat.

While it's good to be open and honest with potential partners, and there is nothing wrong with either being poly or exploring your options in that regard... I think you may have jumped the gun here.

From what I understand, you haven't ever acted on your desire for a non-monogamous relationship - i.e. any kind of exploration is yet to be attempted - which is fine. But unfortunately, adamantly stating that you need(ed) a poly relationship *before* you really knew if that is indeed what you want or need, seems to have backfired. And new guy appears to have taken you at your word. Indeed, why wouldn't he, since you two don't really know each other well.

The other thing that struck me about this was that in your years of contemplating becoming poly, you never once considered that your partner/s might also want/be poly? :confused: Not that every polyamorous person's partner/s have to be poly themselves - there are many poly/mono partnerships - however this does seem to be a massive oversight.

Looking back, WHY do you think it never dawned on you that your potential partners might ALSO desire other partners? I would think it would be an obvious conclusion to draw. And now that you've been faced with this possibility for real, you're suddenly having second thoughts that poly is a "need" of yours. Perhaps it's not that you "might not be poly" after all; rather, your jealousy and insecurity is causing you to second-guess yourself and your own desires (?)

**********

The below also struck me as you not being completely honest... with yourself.

I figured I'd be around by the time he was ready.

I didnt know how things would go and there's a chance he might give me everything I need in the future so I could be fine with that.

We've been together a few weeks now. We've grown super close super quick. He ended up venting to me one night, and I felt like he was trusting me to be in his life, and it felt amazing and made my anxieties about the casualness go away.

I know things are casual now, but I want to be the one he sticks with when he's ready to commit.

I know I have no right to get this upset when he's doing what I would've done and we're still new and casual, but also I feel like he should still be so in the new relationship giddyness

You say in your OP (and told the guy you're dating) that you're fine with a casual relationship for now... yet everything you said (in bold, above) reads to me like that is something you are/were just telling yourself, in order to feel okay with dating a man who doesn't wish to commit to you so early on.

If you "figured you'd be around" by some arbitrary time he is ready to get more serious... and you "want to be the one he sticks with"... you ARE already heavily emotionally invested in this relationship, and in your head and heart, have already committed to him. At least that's my interpretation.

In any case, I believe that is something you ought to be honest about, both with yourself and with him. If casual is not something you feel you can do with this guy - say so. It will only hurt you, and confuse HIM more in the long run, if you (both) are saying one thing, and doing/feeling another.

**************

What is stopping you from being completely honest with this man now about your wants and needs, and/or your change of heart on the poly thing?

Is it the "newness" of the relationship? Is it the fact that you really don't KNOW him well, despite feeling super close already, so you have no idea how he'll react? Do you not fully trust him with your unguarded emotions and thoughts? Are you embarrassed by your feelings of insecurity and jealousy since you already told him you wanted poly and may have changed your mind?

**************

Now to answer your direct questions:

-whether I'm actually poly or if I'm just having a weird panic attack/ adjustment issue

Noone else can tell you if you're "actually poly" or not. If you don't already KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt, one way or the other, this is something you'll have to discover for yourself through reading, research, discussion, trial and error.

Besides, there are multiple "shades" of non-monogamy: you could be polyamorous, ambiamorous (could be happy either poly or mono), polysexual (can only love one person but desire multiple sexual partners) etc.

I do believe, however, that the shock of realising your partner may ALSO be seeking other partners has caused you to become insecure in THIS relationship and thus back-pedal on your previously stated desire. This is a fairly normal and natural jealousy response, due to a fear of loss. In this case, you fear losing something you haven't yet quite attained (this man's love and commitment).

-what it means when someone doesn't want to be poly then suddenly they do

It could mean anything, or nothing. In this case, the man you're seeing may be feeling insecure himself, due to your stated desire for non-monogamy. He says he's been hurt and seems determined not to be hurt or put on the back-burner again... so he may be using his new date as a form of "insurance".

And/or he could be playing games, maybe with no ill intent. He may be trying to make YOU jealous by dating someone else, so you'll realise you only want him. Or he could just be manipulative by nature.

There's no real way to tell what's in his head without open and honest discussion.

-what to do if suddenly I'm mono and he's poly

It can happen, of course, but it's very unlikely that anyone is "suddenly" mono or poly. You two seem to be bouncing off each other's (somewhat) unformulated needs/desires and making decisions about WHO YOU ARE as people and what you want out of THIS relationship, according to each other's statements and the negative energy fuelled by those statements.

It'd be worthwhile for both of you to really dig deep and discover who you really are and what you really want - regardless of the other person's relationship choices.


-what am I allowed to do/ ask of him at this point

You're allowed to ask this man anything you please! If it's important to YOU, and to this relationship, seeking clarity is necessary.

The same doesn't go for doing anything you please. Of course, you can do whatever you want, within reason, but if it's something that's going to impact the other person, your budding relationship and/or any other relationship they may develop, it'd be prudent to discuss whatever action you wish to take before you make any sudden moves.

- how to deal with jealousy

There are many sources online (and in this forum) which discuss ways to deal with jealousy.

ALL jealousy is not inherently bad or irrational. It is usually an indicator that something is awry, either in the relationship or in one's thought processes, coping mechanisms or approach to relationships. There is such a thing as rational jealousy (when a circumstance or partner is actually acting in a manner which would cause feelings of insecurity or being replaced in most people) and those issues would need to be discussed and resolved.

If the jealousy is unfounded or irrational, reading/exercises such as The Jealousy Workbook, seeking honesty and extra reassurance from your partner and/or help from a therapist can get you through the worst of it.

-if we talk about how I'm feeling, how should that go

Unvarnished honesty is called for; that is vital. I don't mean you have to be brutal about it, but skirting around the difficult subjects NOW is just going to come back and bite you on the arse later.

Of course, "feelings" can be transient and are always subjective. I think it's in your best interest to really figure out where your head is at regarding who you are and what you want out of relationships in general, and out of THIS relationship in particular - if possible - before approaching your partner about it, lest you muddy the waters further.

But don't delay TOO long. Pretending to be cool with the status of your relationship when you're really not is asking for trouble down the road.
 
Hi Likeapanda,

I just want to add to what the others have said, that it is not necessarily wrong of you if you want to have multiple partners for yourself, but you don't want any of your partners to have any other partners, just you. The only thing you need to do is get everyone's consent beforehand. If it is okay with your partners, then it is okay for you to do.

On the other hand, you may still be poly and yet be experiencing some jealousy/insecurity. Poly people do sometimes feel jealous, especially in the early stages of a relationship. There are a number of possible causes for jealousy, it may be that you feel jealous because poly isn't really for you, or, it may be fear, like something you are afraid will happen, or, it may be a need you have that isn't being met, or, it may be that you are objectively being treated bad, and jealousy is just the manifestation of that. Take your time exploring the possible causes of your jealousy, you could learn something important about yourself and the situation.

There could be more than one possible reason why your boyfriend is dating someone else. It could be that, having heard you talk about poly, he didn't think he was interested in it at first, but then the idea grew on him, so now he wants poly. Or, it's possible that he is playing you. Or, maybe he figures that his relationship with you is casual, and that because it is casual, it is okay for him to play the field. Take your time exploring the possible reasons for his dating this other person. It may help to just come out and ask him. Something like, "I was thinking that we were monogamous? but now it looks like we're not? Can I ask, what made you decide to date someone besides me?" Who knows, maybe his answer will be, "I just found this other person attractive and I was interested in them." Maybe his motives are as simple as that.

In any case be aware that you are under no obligation to continue to date this man. If something is making you feel uneasy or uncomfortable, it is okay to walk away. If you don't want him to be poly, and he does want to be poly? That's reason enough to break up, it doesn't matter *why* he wants to be poly.

Anyway, just some thoughts. I hope you are able to work things out.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I'm with GalaGirl but so many fine comments, what a great site.

We are taught to beware when people say one thing but do another. It isn't about hypocrisy, but whether you can trust what people say to you.

Poly has conflicting emotions, which is why you need a strong constitution to handle it. On the one hand, it's an awful lot of fun. On the other hand, jealousy and envy eagerly await to raise their ugly head.

To hear the tune, you must pay the piper. Nothing is free. Choosing poly has both benefits and costs. But choosing poly does not mean choosing partners you cannot trust.
 
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