I'm gutted that due to fibromyalgia i no longer can sleep with my partners, and I mean sleep not sex (which is fine) but real sleep. Waking up next to a partner is just a fabulous thing. But due to fibromyalgia I can't sleep, can't get comfortable, I keep them awake from tossing and turning. It's makes me very very sad.
I understand what you mean by this. One of my spouses sleeps like he's died, and our mattress is basically made for the chronic pain I have. (insomnia, chronic pain, anxiety here) So, sleeping with him is easy. I basically can't disturb him due to how he sleeps, and we have almost the same sleep pattern.
My other spouse, like me, sleeps lightly. Has chronic pain, and has the opposite sleep schedule as I do. His bed is also trash. So, it became not only did we have to basically shuffle where I slept depending on the days he had off (which ary and made my insomnia worse) but we'd wake each other and wake up with more pain.
I wish I could switch between them, especially if there has been some friction due to a fight (the sleeping together to me helps heal any rift as well and adds closeness and intimacy; so it makes some recovery from that more emotionally exhausting) or even just hanging out together I dose off.
It sucks and I empathize. Especially since, honestly, it won't change anytime soon or maybe even at all.
All the prescribed meds have no effect and some have terrible side effects I am lucky I'm not an alcoholic despite in France wine being cheaper than water.
(Please don't use alcohol, all joking aside)
Medication is such a russian roulette. Some work, but the side effects make it impossible to use, some don't work but have zero side effects. As well as, we can't change how lightly or deeply the other person sleeps. Really, unless a change happens in pain or even a mattress that doesn't transfer movement (I spent $2100 CAD on mine to find an almost perfect one), we can't put our bodies through hell. We can't make ourselves basically lose function.
It's still horrid for my partners who hate to see me in pain and want to "fix it" but can't. I feel I let them down not being able to be fixed. It's shit.
My partners as well. B hates seeing me in any emotional pain especially. So, with me feeling guilty and such, it hurts him. My other partner feels terrible especially about my physical pain.
Neither of them can do much to help either issue. I have found ways that they can help in their own ways; B will bring me comfort food and make sure I get all the hugs and endorphin boosting he can give (gentle tickle fights that don't tickle but are just fun are my fav). Also, we tend to spend some extra time on the days our schedules line up doing nothing together or cuddling more after sex. It helps, even if it doesn't fix anything.
Z will give me help with my chores so that I have less on my plate, as well as things to help me fall asleep. More sleep helps with pain and anxiety.
In return, how I help with my guilt is I really work on being mindful of my own emotions, and how I affect their emotions. I don't censor things, but I do ensure they know that while they can't fix the problem they can do their best in certain ways. That I will do my best to also ease their lives in ways I can.
Sometimes we slip up. SOmetimes we suck at it. Our personal cups aren't full enough to pour into other people. It sucks, and coming to peace with it is still hard as hell. The idea that I am making them unhappy, that I am making their lives worse in some way tears me up and is honestly one of my greatest fears. So, they know that sometimes me bringing myself down from that is too hard so I have to seek their validation. We check in.
No person can ever fulfill another persons every need and want. We cannot fulfill all of our needs and wants. But, we are still complete and whole people on our own. We are still valid; our emotions and fears deserve to be acknowledged and sorted through.
DM me anytime if you ever want or need to