Am I being selfish for not wanting to let secondary go
The older I get, the less I believe in the concept of selfish. …
He's been making his way with poly because he loves you and wants you, but it sounds like he has never been fully at peace about sharing you. This surely cannot be the first time that you've heard of his need to have an exclusive relationship? If it is, you did not have the wonderful intimacy that you thought you had since he was keeping so very much of his truth hidden from you - or you perhaps were not making it easy for him to be honest with you. In any case, here you both are. He wants an exclusive love relationship. You want to continue having a poly relationship. It is what it is and selfishness does not enter into the picture. It's a useless concept, much like assigning blame. Neither will take you where you want to go.
Angelina has some great wisdom here. I particularly agree with her comment that either he never told you how he really felt--possibly because you made it difficult for him to do so--or you have been refusing to hear what he's been saying for a long time. Possibly because
you were happy having a husband, family, home, and boyfriend on the side so you couldn't imagine why
he would be unhappy.
I'm not trying to be accusatory or critical, but pointing out a trap that many people fall into, of not really seeing how a situation feels from the other side of the fence.
I would add to Angelina's words two possibilities:
1. Maybe the issue wasn't so much 'sharing you' as being secondary.
Not being there, I'm only offering it up as a suggestion.
- Did he live with you and your husband?
- If so, was he sharing in things like equity in the house?
- Did he want children of his own?
- Was he able to openly take you to work events as his girlfriend?
- Were the people in his life aware that you were married or know why, after ten years, he still hadn't married you?
- Was there any shared vision of life, of finances, saving together for retirement--or was it always you and your husband working together and him taking care of himself, by himself?
- Was he typically the one to make way for family plans?
- Was he seen at your work events and the kids' events--ie was he a fully recognized member of the family, as your 'spouse' or was he frequently introduced as the family friend?
I'm sure there are other things I could add to that list, but I think you get the point.
On the matter of selfishness, I agree that missing him, wanting him to stay is only an emotion, and not selfish in and of itself. But to take action, to try to make him stay, to make it difficult for him to leave, to try to pull him back in, to interfere in any way with his chance to have what he wants and what you have more or less had all along--yes, that would be selfish.
You have a spouse. He wants a spouse. Leave him in peace and with best wishes to have the same things you have had for 28 years. He's lived with a certain amount of pain and sacrifice for 10 years out of love for you. It is time to do the same for him and his happiness.