breaking up with secondary/ advice please

Cat691

New member
Hello i am new to the forum but need advise. I'm married now 28 years and always had an open relationship. For the past 10 years I have been seeing someone who was accepting of the fact im married.Family functions, vacations together...the whole nine yards.My children whom are adults adore him.My entire family knows my husband and I are poly.I love him {secondary} very much. Secondary out of the blue says he loves me but wants to break up.Then proceeds to tell me he found someone else because I wont leave my husband for him.This hurts like hell. Am I being selfish for not wanting to let secondary go
 
Am I being selfish for not wanting to let secondary go

The older I get, the less I believe in the concept of selfish. We all want what we want for the reasons that we want it. When we can accept this, things seem to go much smoother, even when they are not going our way. Things move along easier. He's been making his way with poly because he loves you and wants you, but it sounds like he has never been fully at peace about sharing you. This surely cannot be the first time that you've heard of his need to have an exclusive relationship? If it is, you did not have the wonderful intimacy that you thought you had since he was keeping so very much of his truth hidden from you - or you perhaps were not making it easy for him to be honest with you. In any case, here you both are. He wants an exclusive love relationship. You want to continue having a poly relationship. It is what it is and selfishness does not enter into the picture. It's a useless concept, much like assigning blame. Neither will take you where you want to go.
 
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I'm so sorry. :(

I love him {secondary} very much. Secondary out of the blue says he loves me but wants to break up.Then proceeds to tell me he found someone else because I wont leave my husband for him.This hurts like hell. Am I being selfish for not wanting to let secondary go

I don't think you are selfish. To me you sound like you are grieving. Which is natural and ok when facing a break up.

If he wants to break up after 10 years together? Then he wants to break up after 10 years together. :(

Whether you want to or not? You have to find a way to make peace with it because he's bowing out and you cannot MAKE someone participate in something if they don't want to any more.

I suppose you could ask what changed if this is the first time he's bringing it up.

But if he's spent 10 years waiting for you to dump husband in favor of him? Without telling you that he's not actually ok with poly, he prefers for it just to be you two? Then I don't know what he was thinking or why he'd wait so long.

I think that is a fundamental incompatibility best addressed way sooner. :(

If this did come up before and you guys kept shelving it like a "let's deal with it later" thing? Maybe he's just finally reached the end of his rope, and meeting this new person is the game changer where he just decided to move on rather than wait some more.

I still don't know why he'd wait 10 years to address it though. That seems like a long time to postpone to me. But maybe he did.

The point is... you are here now. And he no longer wants to participate like that now.

So... I think all you can do is tell him you love him, you wish it wasn't happening, but you won't stand in his way if this is what he wants for his next chapter. Letting it end with some dignity and grace might be the most loving thing you can do.

Galagirl
 
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Am I being selfish for not wanting to let secondary go

The older I get, the less I believe in the concept of selfish. …

He's been making his way with poly because he loves you and wants you, but it sounds like he has never been fully at peace about sharing you. This surely cannot be the first time that you've heard of his need to have an exclusive relationship? If it is, you did not have the wonderful intimacy that you thought you had since he was keeping so very much of his truth hidden from you - or you perhaps were not making it easy for him to be honest with you. In any case, here you both are. He wants an exclusive love relationship. You want to continue having a poly relationship. It is what it is and selfishness does not enter into the picture. It's a useless concept, much like assigning blame. Neither will take you where you want to go.

Angelina has some great wisdom here. I particularly agree with her comment that either he never told you how he really felt--possibly because you made it difficult for him to do so--or you have been refusing to hear what he's been saying for a long time. Possibly because you were happy having a husband, family, home, and boyfriend on the side so you couldn't imagine why he would be unhappy.

I'm not trying to be accusatory or critical, but pointing out a trap that many people fall into, of not really seeing how a situation feels from the other side of the fence.

I would add to Angelina's words two possibilities:

1. Maybe the issue wasn't so much 'sharing you' as being secondary.

Not being there, I'm only offering it up as a suggestion.

  • Did he live with you and your husband?
  • If so, was he sharing in things like equity in the house?
  • Did he want children of his own?
  • Was he able to openly take you to work events as his girlfriend?
  • Were the people in his life aware that you were married or know why, after ten years, he still hadn't married you?
  • Was there any shared vision of life, of finances, saving together for retirement--or was it always you and your husband working together and him taking care of himself, by himself?
  • Was he typically the one to make way for family plans?
  • Was he seen at your work events and the kids' events--ie was he a fully recognized member of the family, as your 'spouse' or was he frequently introduced as the family friend?

I'm sure there are other things I could add to that list, but I think you get the point.

On the matter of selfishness, I agree that missing him, wanting him to stay is only an emotion, and not selfish in and of itself. But to take action, to try to make him stay, to make it difficult for him to leave, to try to pull him back in, to interfere in any way with his chance to have what he wants and what you have more or less had all along--yes, that would be selfish.

You have a spouse. He wants a spouse. Leave him in peace and with best wishes to have the same things you have had for 28 years. He's lived with a certain amount of pain and sacrifice for 10 years out of love for you. It is time to do the same for him and his happiness.
 
Hello Cat691,

I'm so sorry that your secondary has decided to break up with you. I can't imagine how much it hurts you inside, especially when you were blindsided like this. I think it's possible that maybe he's the one who's being selfish about this, like maybe he was only staying with you until something "better" came along, and purposely hiding that fact from you. There's just no way to be sure, unless perhaps you'd want to post quite a bit more info about it. And even then we might not know for sure. You might not know for sure. The only thing you know for sure is that this is a decision he is making, and though it hurts you to the core, there is not much you can do about it, it's not like you can stop him from breaking up with you. The most you can do is to tell him how very sad/sorry you are to see him go, but that you wish him only happiness and will not try to get in his way. Meanwhile, I hope that you'll be able to begin the healing process. If there's any way we can help let us know.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
thank you

Please forgive me for not responding sooner.I was on a much needed vacation on my own to think. Thank you all for the advise.My 2nd husband lives on his own because he prefers it that way. My family as well as his, knew of our relationship.He was my other husband and was treated as such.We were always together as a family unit.With equal private time with each other.I asked him the same question as to why he waited so long to tell me the truth. He said he didnt want to lose me.After all the crying and asking for forgiveness on both our parts we have decided to go our separate ways. He wanted exclusivity.Maybe one day we will speak to each other again. But for now we both want to heal.Although im hurt ,I love him enough to let him find his happiness.Even if it isnt with me.Thank you all again for the great advice.I needed and appreciate it. Cat
 
Glad we were able to help. Sorry you had to break up with him. It will hurt for quite awhile, unfortunately there's not a lot you can do about that. Things will improve eventually. You will be able to heal. Although, I'm sure you will always love him. And want the best for him.
 
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