Oops, I think I cock-blocked my only chance for polyamory

Krazykitty

New member
I'm not mono, but I think I'm now stuck with monogamy because of the way I reacted to my husband's request to open our relationship almost a year ago. I said "yes", but cried for weeks on end. (I think he thinks I'm mono but won't admit it, not true. The girl he picked was a fuck'n goddess and I'm an ugly tomboy. He couldn't see why I struggled?) Thus every time I bring up the subject, he now says "no". Wat do. :(
 
Hmm...I'd say keep pushing for it, if that's really what you want. I'm sure he'll go for it eventually, if you keep prodding him (since he brought it up in the first place). You probably just needed that time for emotional adjustment...Plus, it would probably all clear up if you just said what you said on here to him. No doubt he thinks you're beautiful...he is your husband after all. Besides, there's all different types of beauty and just because you may look like a tomboy, doesn't mean you're not beautiful! Most of us understand how it feels to be down on your own looks, but if you have someone that really loves you, it shouldn't apply. Just love and let yourself be loved...don't hinder it because you feel self-conscious. That's my two cents, I'm a novice at polyamory myself but I've given it some thought. Hope all goes well!
-Drea
 
I think that you need to get yourself 100% sure of why you had a problem the last time, and know in hour heart of hearts that it won't happen again, or at least be confident enough about it that there is only a very small chance of it causing a melt-down.

Because the "other person" is ALWAYS going to have something that you don't. More beautiful, bigger breasts, better figure, more intelligent, more socially adept, higher sex drive, nicer house, better friends... and the list could go on and on. He is bound to find some element of a relationship that is different from the one you have with him - otherwise why would he be with anyone else?

If you want to truly be poly then you are going to need to understand how any of these will affect you.

...and all of this is BEFORE you talk with him about it again.

Then, when you talk to him, you can explain what your issues were that last time, and why you feel there there is a significantly lower likelihood of them happening again.

Try to do this independent of any other specific love interest - this should be a fundamental part of your relationship with him. When there is another specific person "in the mix" it just muddies the waters even more.

What he is doing is probably the same thing I would do in this situation - he loves you, saw just how much him being with someone else hurt you, and doesn't want to do that to you again.
 
I think that you need to get yourself 100% sure of why you had a problem the last time, and know in hour heart of hearts that it won't happen again, or at least be confident enough about it that there is only a very small chance of it causing a melt-down.

This but I think when it comes to a woman's body image stuff it never goes away. It is just how we are raised and it always lingers in the back of our minds... at least that is my experience of it. To think/say/assume it won't come up again my be short sighted. I think it might be better to figure out with him how to deal with it as a part of your relationship dynamic that you share, rather than putting it all on you Kk. You are valid in your feelings even though they are not rational. You are beautiful no matter what and he believes that... so what do you need to hear from him, what does he need to do in order to make sure you are reminded of that next time... hell, any time! What do you need to do (ask him) so you don't freak out and go down tat road again, what could you do next time at the get go so as to not spiral into those negative thoughts?
 
This but I think when it comes to a woman's body image stuff it never goes away. It is just how we are raised and it always lingers in the back of our minds... at least that is my experience of it. To think/say/assume it won't come up again my be short sighted.
RP I totally agree with you. You make my point (as you often do) better than I.... what I kind of meant was that if they are going to try this again, it can't result in a melt-down. There has to be some work done to put things in place that make it less of a risk. I have known people who have put rules in place that say "you can't date anyone prettier than me" or "You can't date anyone younger than me" or "you can't date anyone better endowed than me".

Those sorts of things can be problematic, because they often come from a base of insecurity and there will always be *something*.

So I think my point was that this is likely to be a regular occurrence with ANYONE that he dates, and that the solution isn't to try to restrict it to "safe" people, but to instead try to get to the bottom of it, and put tools in place to deal with it.

I think it might be better to figure out with him how to deal with it as a part of your relationship dynamic that you share, rather than putting it all on you Kk.
I am a big advocate of teamwork, and I probably didn't stress that enough. The thing is that I believe that the OP needs to know how to communicate what triggered things and what things could be done to stop it becoming so much of a bad thing. You can't communicate something that you don't completely understand yourself.

You are valid in your feelings even though they are not rational. You are beautiful no matter what and he believes that... so what do you need to hear from him, what does he need to do in order to make sure you are reminded of that next time... hell, any time! What do you need to do (ask him) so you don't freak out and go down tat road again, what could you do next time at the get go so as to not spiral into those negative thoughts?
I agree, but I have seen that used to generate some quite negative patterns in the relationship.

Asking for "You are beautiful" - good thing
Asking for "You are more beautiful than her" - bad thing.

"You are great in bed" vs "you are better than her in bed"

"You give great blowjobs" vs "you give the BEST blowjobs I have ever had"

and so on.

What I feel is healthy is most definitely validation, but not comparison, for down that road lies madness.

So I think that it is vital to get to the point where validation can work, and doesn't have to descend into competition.

Does that make more sense?
 
This but I think when it comes to a woman's body image stuff it never goes away. It is just how we are raised and it always lingers in the back of our minds... at least that is my experience of it. To think/say/assume it won't come up again my be short sighted. I think it might be better to figure out with him how to deal with it as a part of your relationship dynamic that you share . . .
I could not agree with this point more, redpepper, except that I think that it is possible to heal from these issues. At least I hope it is and, for myself, I'm working toward that end.
 
I've been known to have more than one freak out with the women my husband has dated/attempted to date. What works for me is to get to know the other woman. Once you see them as a whole person rather than just the outside package somehow it gets easier to accept and even enjoy their relationship.

I've asked of my husband that things procede slowly until I get to know any potential partner. We don't have to be best friends or anything but I do need to know that there is a mutual respect for each other.

I also have worked on my way of looking at things. If my husband is dating others and still wants to be with me it means that he really does want to be with me and isn't just with me because he "has to" be. Strangely enough I'm more secure in our relationship since we have opened it up than I was for years before.

Good luck Kk!
 
I said "yes", but cried for weeks on end.

I think it obvious that you weren't ready for anything poly. Were I him, I also would not believe that you're ready for it now without anything to indicate a difference. Talking about it is only a repeat of last time--you talked and said you were up for it while the crying jag showed you weren't.
 
I agree, but I have seen that used to generate some quite negative patterns in the relationship.

Asking for "You are beautiful" - good thing
Asking for "You are more beautiful than her" - bad thing.

"You are great in bed" vs "you are better than her in bed"

"You give great blowjobs" vs "you give the BEST blowjobs I have ever had"

and so on.

What I feel is healthy is most definitely validation, but not comparison, for down that road lies madness.

So I think that it is vital to get to the point where validation can work, and doesn't have to descend into competition.

Does that make more sense?
I see your point, I wasn't very clear. I don't think it is ever a good idea for men to comment on a woman's looks in the negative. There is too much of a load attached to that, however, that wasn't my intent in my comment. what I meant by discussing what words need to be heard and creating boundaries that would facilitate th OP getting her needs met was more around love than beauty. It seems she becomes concerned that he doesn't love her or loves the other woman more because she considers her more beautiful, well what could he do and say that would put her mind more at ease...... so as to not spiral into negative thoughts.
I could not agree with this point more, redpepper, except that I think that it is possible to heal from these issues. At least I hope it is and, for myself, I'm working toward that end.
I'm so glad you have hope in this way... it's inspiring. I will endeavor to do so also. :)
 
U know what OP...I've BEEN in your husband's shoes. My wife (then gf) told me she wanted a gf...possibly one to SHARE. She even asked me to take her to a gentlemen's club. And we went to a place that I knew of that catered to females. Of course I complied.

Later on (6mos-1yr later) she said she would've had more fun if we went somewhere that I DIDN'T go to before cuz I MIGHT be fantasizing about them!! And yes, she was drinking and feeling nice, to NO AVAIL! So when she asked me if I wanted another girl (jokingly) I said "NO I know not to bark up that tree anymore".

Point is, IF she had opened up and did what others are telling u to do here, I WOULD'VE taken it seriously. So I say go for it seriously. And best wishes.
 
Hey all thanks for your replies. It's all a big journey and i hate to try to guess the ending (except we all die, lol spoiler alert) I promise I am thinking about what everyone's said... I tend to be dishonest with myself more than anything else... a HUGE flaw when trying to be polyamorous. I see that I have a lot of work to do on just facing the things that I am and that I tend to do emotionally. For starters, I imagined when we first got married and said "monogamous til further notice" that "further notice" would mean one of us would go for a same-sex partner (as bisexuals do sometimes!). Then i accepted THAT concept of polyamory and didn't think any further about it. I didn't think of my problems with gender and fitting into female-ness. Didn't think of my formative experiences getting rejected by guys because of being too average looking with small boobs. I was like "oh cool, he'll suck dick and maybe I can watch? Polyamory sounds GREAT!" - to be continued -
 
And it's that type of intellectual laziness that causes a lot of emotional problems for me in the past. A slacker style of not thinking things quite through so that it seems as though you've thought about it a good bit and can convince yourself you've thought it through. I get thoughts to a certain point and then say, "well that's enough, i think" even when I'm not even finished or when the lack of conclusion will inevitably lead me into even deeper anxiety-provoking territory. And I'm a "smart" person!! Maybe it's not so much laziness as it is a type of self-delusion like I was talking about, not really getting to the "heart of the matter" in my thinking. I'm going to start back in therapy again, seems like a good idea with all the confusion and feeling triggered. Just starting to think about things feels like the right thing to do. Instead of skimming over my wants, needs, thoughts feelings and etc. perhaps spending some time in introspection would assist. I do look to the outside so much for help in processing things and if I know myself correctly, I probably take it to an extreme.
 
I think it might be better to figure out with him how to deal with it as a part of your relationship dynamic that you share

This is a beautiful point and I so appreciate your thoughts...... but I don't think my darling believes that it can/should be dealt with as a couple because he sees it (insecurity/feeling ugly) as "my" issue. This is part of how the intro to poly went for me, it was never a couple discussion of how things would go but him saying "this is what I want". It seems like a marker of our relationship that I feel that emotional "stuff" is more collective and he sees it as "stuff" we individually own and are responsible for. It was a reason I felt blindsided or whatever you want to call it...

Thanks for your thoughts.
 
Now I know everyone does poly differently, but I tend to enjoy the idea that 'we're all in this together" - yes, each individual has his or her own relationships, and areas of privacy, but if there's an issue out there that is disturbing the relationship dynamic, I find it useful to take it on board as a shared issue and work together on what solution may work.
 
This is a beautiful point and I so appreciate your thoughts...... but I don't think my darling believes that it can/should be dealt with as a couple because he sees it (insecurity/feeling ugly) as "my" issue. This is part of how the intro to poly went for me, it was never a couple discussion of how things would go but him saying "this is what I want". It seems like a marker of our relationship that I feel that emotional "stuff" is more collective and he sees it as "stuff" we individually own and are responsible for. It was a reason I felt blindsided or whatever you want to call it...

Thanks for your thoughts.

I'm new to this, but I believe others will agree that's an issue for both of you. And if HE just wants it for him and TRULY nor for both of you AND the other person(s) in the relationship to be, then you ALL have a problem until you all get that insecurity and "what I want" mentality sorted out.
 
. . . I don't think my darling believes that it can/should be dealt with as a couple because he sees it (insecurity/feeling ugly) as "my" issue. This is part of how the intro to poly went for me, it was never a couple discussion of how things would go but him saying "this is what I want". It seems like a marker of our relationship that I feel that emotional "stuff" is more collective and he sees it as "stuff" we individually own and are responsible for.
It's true that no one can figure your issues or feelings out for you, but I wouldn't think it's too much to ask for some support while you do. Your feelings, no matter how irrational they seem to him, should not be dismissed. What are the one or two things you would like for him to do differently that would really make a difference? As redpepper said earlier in this thread:

... so what do you need to hear from him, what does he need to do in order to make sure you are reminded of that next time... hell, any time! What do you need to do (ask him) so you don't freak out and go down that road again, what could you do next time at the get go so as to not spiral into those negative thoughts?
It doesn't mean he has to hold your hand every time you feel sensitive about something (or it might!), but it could mean he needs to make an adjustment somewhere. Maybe your husband is not aware of something he does or doesn't do that exacerbates your own insecurities, and you just need to ask for something to change. My husband used to tease me relentlessly about blunders I'd made, just like his father used to tease his mother. I had to break him of that habit -- he never realized how much it bothered me until I told him.

In your 1st post, you said he won't even discuss it with you anymore. I would find that incredibly frustrating. Maybe all you need to do is ask him to listen to what you have to say, and to try to do so without judging you. You sound like, to me, you just want him to hear you, not necessarily "fix" you. Maybe he thinks there isn't anything he can say or do to get you through it, so he shuts you out. Really listening to you and letting in what you're saying might be all he need do, for you to feel he is there for you. It might make the issues with which you are struggling feel less daunting (and maybe he'll gain some insight into his shit, too). It's hard to feel like you've got all this work to do on yourself while you're out there dangling on your own.
 
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Update, reviving this thread. Thanks for your replies and thoughts, everyone. I was so confused before. One more try at talking this out, and it turned out WAY clearer than i'd anticipated! My husband and I had a LONG talk today and I found out:

1) He's thought we were polyamorous our entire marriage but we just hadn't found anyone yet, and weren't mentioning it because we were having so much fun together. When I asked "are we monogamous until further notice?" and he said yes he actually meant in his mind, we were philosophically polyamorous (as we both believed and agreed polyamory was the right path when we got married). I'd originally thoguht "monogamous until further notice" meant just that - we were monogamous and when one or both felt like changing to poly we would talk about it. NOW it all makes way more sense to me... for whatever silly reason. Changing from monogamy to polyamory because of a single other person really hurt my feelings but now that I know that wasn't his intention it feels WAY less painful. (I've also been working on my self esteem and other issues)
2) He still considers us to be polyamorous, but was saying "We're monogamous" to not hurt me any further, since he'd decided that sex with the other person wasn't worth hurting me.
3) He believes in my freedom and thinks I should have other partners if I want (ideally after we talk and he meets the person).
4) He doesn't really think rules or restrictions are ok in a polyamorous situation except for the "ideally..." part above.

Well now I feel a humongous sense of relief. The forced monogamy thing never felt real or right and now I know he was doing/saying those things because he didn't want to hurt me any more (just like Cieldumatin said). It makes sense, makes me feel safer and loved unlike the confusion of thinking he'd changed his mind just -like - that.

Now I know we have a long way to go... he has to be ok with being honest with me and not afraid of me "flipping out", and I have to not flip out and trust the living heck out of him. And be honestetc

-to be continued hopefully
 
Krazykitty,
My wife and I are poly....And my wife feels that the women I am attracted to are very attractive, while she (my wife) views herself as not as attractive. Which by the way, my wife is absolutely GORGIOUS!

Anyway, we are both dating the same woman. (I call her V on here, and my wife is L) I try not to compare the two....EVER. Bad carma doing that sort of thing. LOL But...we have bouts where I have no desire to go any further within the relationship with V. I currently have no real desire to have sex with V. Not that I'm not atteracted to her....No....I just like the relationship where it's at. We hold hands, hang out, and occasionally kiss. Thats it. Nothing more...No idea WHY I have no desire to go further with it yet....but....it may happen some day. and if it never does....It won't be the end of the world, as I am more interested in the relationship. V and I are very similar, and L and I have grown up into adulthood together, so we are SUPER close. We have to be a part of each others everything. (Amazing after 20 years huh?)

When you find the right person for your relationship, you will find that it's not just about the sex....It's all about the love.
 
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