Was this an attempt to desensitize Mono to the eventual consequence of dating Leo and or other men? When you all discussed Mono moving in, was this always something he knew was going to happen, bedroom dates with guys? Do you and Leo talk about this boundary softening or coming down someday: "Hey, I'm working on him," type of thing?
These are good questions. It wasn't an attempt to desensitize Mono, although I sometimes forget, when things have been humming along for a while, that he is not like me. I forget that he is not PN and that my antics, the ones I once had in terms of flirting and teasing men and then sleeping with them, are not wanted. That energy is not appreciated. Whereas PN understands and thinks I am funny. I forget. What can I say? I'm old, as one of my clients points out every day I work with her.
We did discuss who would come to my room. We set some boundaries around how this would work. They were that I would always ask and indicate the reason for someone being invited to my room. I would not have people staying overnight there, other than partners, like friends from out of town, for instance. I was not going to pester him about having someone come to my room. He would be hospitable as they passed through his place, and that was all.
It turned out that he was okay with chatting for a bit, showing people around. He showed Leo the door he was putting in, for instance and they chatted for a bit. We also realized that I would need to put the beer I bought somewhere and I asked if it was okay to use his plates and fridge, etc., for Leo and others coming over. Bathroom trips were discussed after a time, as obviously people need to use the bathroom.
Yup, lots to negotiate. Things come up. That is how it is. The point was to talk about it as soon as possible and respect the boundaries.
Energy boundaries are different. I can't help having energy with someone. So, no people I have energy with can be in my room.
Yes, Leo and I talk about it all a lot. There are posts of me going on about it too much, as for him it wasn't as big a deal. I wanted to know where his wife was at, but it turns out that is a non-issue. Why should it be? I am not going to have sex with him. She has no problem with my love for him, just the sex part. So she was kinda done with the topic within days.
We do talk about whether or not the boundaries will change, but I always say that they likely won't and that there should be no expectation that they will. I don't want him to get the wrong impression. I want him to want to be with me because he wants to be with me. Not because he might get to fuck me one day. Know what I mean?
Good luck on your thing, dingedheart. Thanks for writing. Any time you want to talk more personally, let me know.
Thanks to Tonberry, Bella et al., for writing. I appreciate any thoughts that people want to give.