birth control

UnitedForNow

New member
I'm pretty sure I did the right thing while also goofing up.

My primary partner and I are polywogs, and have just introduced a secondary into our lives. We both like her and have gotten together 4 times so far, with lots of e-mails and text messages in between. The latest incident though, is where I got upset and probably didn't handle my end very well.

Our new female friend (43 years old, no children, just got divorced) isn't on any form of birth control - while I'm fixed (48 years old female). My primary of 8 years (54 years old male) isn't used to having to think about birth control. She asked that we provide the birth control, which I was fine with so that I can feel confident that no "accidents" happen later on. We used it the first times, then this last time I noticed they weren't using any form of birth control. I mentioned something to both of them in the moment and they brushed me off that it wasn't necessary. Given how delicate the moment was I choose not to create a scene, especially since I trusted my partner wouldn't finish inside of her anyways, so the risk was relatively low.

The fact that both of them were willing to do this really upset me though. My partner knows how I feel about any possible pregnancy and yet he doesn't agree that there is any risk of pregnancy. He believes as long as the intercourse is brief and isn't prolonged (causing pre-leakage) and if he doesn't even come close to a climax while inside of her that there is no risk. I don't know how she feels about it, though since she was quick to hop on top of him without any form of birth control I'm guessing it doesn't worry her either (though how she could have known that he wouldn't cumm inside of her also makes me wonder).

I'm the only one who seems to think they were wrong....

I waited a day then I wrote a note to send to both of them (they are both now out of town) in which I express my concerns. I was upset and didn't use the most empathetic or understanding phrases in expressing myself (Yeah, I was preachy and lecturing both of them which is why I say "I goofed up"). My partner understands what I was trying to do and isn't upset. She hasn't contacted me at all.

I know it is their bodies, but a child would impact all of us. Was I right to let them both know that I didn't feel comfortable with them not using protection? I'm also feeling unsettled regarding my primary partners views on this, since in my eyes there is a high risk involved... Whether she contacts me or not, I still want to know for future partners/incidents if "I" have the right to make my concerns known regarding the use (or use of unsafe) forms of birth control.
 
He believes as long as the intercourse is brief and isn't prolonged (causing pre-leakage) and if he doesn't even come close to a climax while inside of her that there is no risk

Can he tell just by feel whether or not there are a few loan sperm traveling into her? That's pretty amazing intuition that he can know that for sure.

It sounds like he learned his reproductive information from the walls in a bathroom stall.

I know it is their bodies, but a child would impact all of us.

A new job would impact all of you. The death of a close friend would impact all of you. Deciding to join the circus would impact all of you. One of you getting hit by a car and being quadriplegic for the rest of their life would impact all of you.

Life is full of changes, some of them we can see coming and sometimes they just slam into us. The fact that the decision someone makes will impact you (as surely a couple of your partners getting pregnant would) doesn't give you say over how they should live their lives. If they make a decision that impacts you then you get to decide how you will handle it.

Was I right to let them both know that I didn't feel comfortable with them not using protection?

Personally I think the only thing I might feel the urge to state is that "I don't want a kid. So if you guys get knocked up and want to keep it then understand that is going to change the nature of our association"

IV, for example, knows that when she gets pregnant at some point that it may very well mean I won't be living with her any longer. This isn't something I informed her of so she is aware of my "boundaries", it just came up in conversation and I let her know my thoughts on the topic. It's possible that I will have changed my mind at that point but for the mean time she gets that I don't want kids and am not interested in living with one. My telling her and CV "You guys need to use protection, I don't like the idea of her getting pregnant" would be met with HOWLING LAUGHTER.
 
I don't think there is an issue related to expressing concerns about anything. Communication is important. However, there is an issue in regard to how you expressed it. People are a lot more open to a message when it is expressed without criticism.

I would tend to approach this conversation thusly:

I thought we had all agreed to use protection to prevent pregnancy. I moticed that you two did not use a condom the other night. Did I not understand correctly?

Then I would leave the ball in their court to explain. I would not preach, I would not lecture, I would not criticize. All that does is close communication, which is the opposite of what you are trying to achieve.

As for your primary, he could use a lesson in biology. It takes just one swimmer to reach the egg at the right time. He has no awareness or control over minute amounts of leakage. (I was a biology teacher, btw.)
 
Yeah, I admit my note was a little too straight forward and preachy.... I "reacted" from worry instead of "responding" with respect. Whether that drives her away, I don't know. I guess time will tell. If I hadn't been so emotional I would have phrased it in SET format (support, empathy, and truth) and probably gotten a better response from both of them.

Yeah, I've been very clear to him all along that I am not willing to participate in co-raising a child. My kids are almost all grown and I don't want to go back to the days of car seats, babysitters, and teething. I would choose to leave rather than deal with that again.

My primary partner does have some naive beliefs regarding safe birth control, and trying to educate him hasn't been well received... This concerns me for any future encounters we may have.

So you are saying that - if he chooses to practice unsafe sex and not commit to a fluid bond, that my choices are: A) accept the risk he is taking or B) get out of the relationship?
 
Last edited:
I would also be concerned about the complete disregard for a previously agreed upon safeguard, and the disregard of your feelings along with it. I don't blame you for getting emotional. It was really disrespectful of both of them. You've all done some sort of wrong in this situation and should all sit down and have a conversation about boundaries and respect and expectations and what you're all willing to put up with in a relationship.
 
So you are saying that - if he chooses to practice unsafe sex and not commit to a fluid bond, that my choices are: A) accept the risk he is taking or B) get out of the relationship?

I'm guessing this was a response to something I said?

I don't know what the bold statement means, what is involved in committing to a fluid bond? How is that related to what we are talking about? (I'm not being sarcastic, I just don't understand what this means or how it is related)

If you have already been explicit that you will not stick around if there is a child. They choose to have unprotected sex anyway. You have tried to explain to him how the birds and bees work but he dismisses your voo-doo out of hand.

1. Deal with it
2. Split​

What is the third option you had in mind?
 
Given her silence towards me I'm left in the dark as to how she feels at the moment. I'm sure she will eventually contact my primary partner though, and that he will help her work through her anger at me so that she and I can then sit down and work it out from there. Or not....

As for my primary partner's transgressions? He cares about my feelings, we just have different beliefs on how risky his behavior was. He now knows how serious and anxious I am over this topic, given my reactions. I'm hoping we can come to a solid agreement on what constitutes "risk" and what doesn't. He knows I've worked with his insecurities and fears on other topics, and once I explain how mine are similar to his I hope he will be accommodating to mine.

Having any discussion between all of us at one time when he travels and she is still in the process of disengaging from her marriage isn't easy. I wish it was as easy as just getting all of us to sit down and have a chat.
 
I'm guessing this was a response to something I said?

I don't know what the bold statement means, what is involved in committing to a fluid bond? How is that related to what we are talking about? (I'm not being sarcastic, I just don't understand what this means or how it is related)

If you have already been explicit that you will not stick around if there is a child. They choose to have unprotected sex anyway. You have tried to explain to him how the birds and bees work but he dismisses your voo-doo out of hand.

1. Deal with it
2. Split​

What is the third option you had in mind?

I didn't have one, which is why I'm here seeking guidance :)

I thought a "fluid bond" is where all committed partners agreed to not share body fluids with others outside the primary relationship. I assumed this would mean condoms or other forms of birth control to prevent STD's and/or pregnancy...
 
I didn't have one, which is why I'm here seeking guidance :)

Gotcha. You haven't been left with any other options. At this point all you can do is to decide what to do with the situation presented.

Who knows, maybe his luck will hold out and she won't get pregnant and all is well?

I thought a "fluid bond" is where all committed partners agreed to not share body fluids with others outside the primary relationship. I assumed this would mean condoms or other forms of birth control to prevent STD's and/or pregnancy...

Fluid bond just refers to having sex without barriers like condoms or dams, but you might be right. I suppose it makes sense to call it an "exclusive fluid bond" or something? Titles aside, if you are concerned about your health then use condoms and stop doing any other activities with him that you would find "risky"... problem solved.

If a personal story would help:

IV and I used condoms when we first started dating. She and CV haven't used condoms in forever as far as I understand. IV and I talked about it after we had been dating for a while and she felt that I would not risk her health, and decided that if I would agree to get myself tested that we could no longer use condoms (if I wanted). Granted, she is on birth control and I've had a vasectomy, so there was never any risk of children - just STIs.

Some time later I had unprotected sex with a girl I didn't know well enough to feel confident about her sexual health. As a result, I spoke with IV about it before we had sex again and she and I started using condoms again. If I had instead known this girl long enough to be confident about her health and honesty and she submitted to a STI test, I would have stopped using condoms with her and let IV know.

While I suppose you could consider this a "committed fluid bond" or something, personally I just consider this loving someone and having a care for their health as well as for my own.
 
I knew this would require a lot of adjustments for all of us, as well as compromises and the ability to work through misunderstandings. Being able to come here for support and to hear about how others handled their situations is very helpful.

I don't give up easily, so I will continue to nibble at this problem until it is worked out the best it can be.


Thanks for the replies and the personal story Marcus :)
 
He believes as long as the intercourse is brief and isn't prolonged (causing pre-leakage) and if he doesn't even come close to a climax while inside of her that there is no risk. I don't know how she feels about it, though since she was quick to hop on top of him without any form of birth control I'm guessing it doesn't worry her either (though how she could have known that he wouldn't cumm inside of her also makes me wonder).

Sex Ed 101 ~ ANY intercourse can result in a pregnancy. Precum has sperm, and it is unlikely that he would "know" before it happens. Just being aroused he is likely to have precum present, most people dont know unless they are (ahem) up close and personal....

There are many children in this world, and many pregnancies terminated, just for this reason.

I think you are correct to be concerned, because they seem to be making decisions based on faulty information. If they truly believe they can't get pregnant just because he doesnt cum inside her, then what other erroneous information are they making decisions with?

Maybe they dont want condoms. Understandable. But they should at least know what risks they are taking, and you can decide what YOU need to do around that...

Good luck!
Willow, midwife and mommy to a surprise baby at 41 too.
 
OP, i have an opinion formulated already but before i give it, i will propose some questions to which i have not noticed you'd given certain background information already.

Is the male partner in your relationship the biological and/or practical father of your grown children? If not, does he have any children with anyone else? If so, has he been in their lives as their "father figure"? If not, does he want that?

What about the other female in this relationship? Does she have children? Does she WANT children (early 40's hmmm biological clock timing out but shit happy accidents happen tra la la)? Have the three of you talked about "what happens IF" she gets pregnant?

My opinion is that your male partner either consciously or subconsciously WANTS to get this woman knocked up because they want a baby together. I would even go out on a limb and suggest that they have talked about it between the two of them and said "wellll if it happens it was probably meant to be, let's just hope for the best and cross that bridge when we come to it." Although they may have convinced themselves that this is only a way to not have to use condoms (let's face it - who LIKES using them things unless they HAVE to?), once she is pregnant it will be a fait accomplis, and "ohhh i just CAN'T have an abortion after all".

And the decision will be made. The decision HAS been made; you are just trying to figure out what it is.
 
He is not the father of my children, though he fills the role of step dad pretty well. He has 2 grown children of his own, though his relationship with them is rocky and blows hot and cold.

She is 43 and has no children after 13 years of marriage. I thought it was due to her H.

She replied to my note and informed me that she believes she is infertile because of Xcondition, she also has Ycondition which interferes with making babies, though she also stated that she tracks her cycle on a phone app to know when she is fertile, and reassured me that this wasn't her fertile time. She offered lots of "I'm sorry to worry you - I should have discussed this with you ahead of time" along with her other explanations. While all of it is plausible, I did state that for my comfort that birth control will still be used.

I don't know her well enough to trust her with something this important, and yeah, her biological clock is ticking.... and that can be a strong incentive to be deceitful.
 
While all of it is plausible, I did state that for my comfort that birth control will still be used.

Damn girl, sounds like you're putting your foot down on how they need to run their sex lives. You think they are going capitulate to your demands?
 
Damn girl, sounds like you're putting your foot down on how they need to run their sex lives. You think they are going capitulate to your demands?

The easiest way to tick people off and turn them off you. If the OP still wants a gf in a couple of months she really needs to curb this tendency.
 
I know everyone's relationship is different, but I have to disagree. If the OP and her primary have decided together to let a secondary into their relationship, she has every right to say that birth control will be used. Before anyone slams me let me point out how she said it.
While all of it is plausible, I did state that for my comfort that birth control will still be used.
She didn't say you are not allowed, she stated for her comfort. Now if the others choose to ignore her, then she has the option of leaving, but she has merely pointed out what she needs for her comfort.
I am the same way and everyone is in agreement. My husband knows that I will not accept another baby into the family. If he chooses to not use protection and gets his girlfriend pregnant, I leave, end of story. It is something I cannot live with and I choose early on to express that anyone involves knows how I feel. She has a right to express her feelings, especially early on, so that all the cards are on the table.
However, yes it could have been handled a bit more delicate. But you did the right thing now holding it in.
Purely my opinion and feelings on the situate. As I said in the beginning not everyone will agree.
 
Have you folks even considered the risk of STIs from going bareback? It seems you all jumped into the sack before discussing some very important things. I suggest you all get tested before meeting up again. You need to have more detailed conversations with your next sexual partners.

I think it's perfectly fine that you expressed how you feel about what happened. However, her body is hers and you can't tell her what to do. If she gets preggo, she will make whatever decision she makes, whether it is abortion or something else. You and hubs should discuss how you will handle paying child support.

As far as your husband, he sounds like going bareback is all he cares about. If he agreed to always use protection with her and then didn't use it, then you have to address his breach of trust, which I think is actually the real issue. Whether he fucks her wrapped or not is not the problem, as I see it. The fact is he said, "Fuck it! I'll do what I want!" instead of keeping his word.
 
Last edited:
Sex Ed 101 ~ ANY intercourse can result in a pregnancy. Precum has sperm, and it is unlikely that he would "know" before it happens. Just being aroused he is likely to have precum present, most people dont know unless they are (ahem) up close and personal....

There are many children in this world, and many pregnancies terminated, just for this reason.


Good luck!
Willow, midwife and mommy to a surprise baby at 41 too.

Just as a matter of interest I found this article that says that recent studies that have been done show no active sperm in pre-ejaculate. (However STI's are still very much transmissible).

http://www.livestrong.com/article/15914-effective-pull-out-method-birth/
 
As far as your husband, he sounds like going bareback is all he cares about. If he agreed to always use protection with her and then didn't use it, then you have to address his breach of trust, which I think is actually the real issue. Whether he fucks her wrapped or not is not the problem, as I see it. The fact is he said, "Fuck it! I'll do what I want!" instead of keeping his word.

I think someone just nailed the real issue here.
 
Just as a matter of interest I found this article that says that recent studies that have been done show no active sperm in pre-ejaculate. (However STI's are still very much transmissible).

http://www.livestrong.com/article/15914-effective-pull-out-method-birth/

Derbylicious, thank you for this information. I also followed up on the Planned Parenthood site, and this same information was there. So it is possibly the second or subsequent round of intercourse that could deposit the sperm... good to know. :)
 
Back
Top