Okay, I just want to look again at a few things you stated:
I was not aware at this time that sex was already a planned part of the visit. I assumed it would happen and was okay with that. But veganchick chose not to disclose this to me, reasons unknown. The lies and deception had already begun.
Veganchick inquired what our rules/boundaries would be . . . I said "none" but quickly qualified that with safe sex and honesty. Those were to be the only rules.
Hmm, first you portrayed yourself as totally open to sex happening: “I assumed it would happen and was okay with that.” So, if she knew you were okay with it, then maybe she made her plans to have sex, but simply felt she didn’t have to mention details to you because, well,
you’re cool with it. Saying that she had “already begun” lying to you is a bit inconsistent with that. It doesn’t seem necessarily like “lies and deception” at this point of your story.
Okay, so she goes off knowing she has no boundaries except safe sex and being honest....
Apparently the sex started within hours of her arrival, so much for wrapping your head around something emotionally before diving right in.
Why the bitter tone when there was no rule/boundary about waiting? This is snarky of you.
Paul . . . could not maintain an erection . . safe sex . . . was abandoned for three days of full-on unprotected oral sex . . . veganchick now can't remember if Paul was wearing a condom when he came in her mouth, or if she swallowed his cum. This after already confessing to both versions? Hm, lies and deceit continuing even now?
What do you mean here that she confessed to both? When did she confess? You are telling us what happened at this three-day mark, and it’s a little confusing. Also, notice how you say the lies continue, but it doesn’t seem there was all this lying going on before this point.
Also -- are you sure that you and veganchick both share the same definition of “safe sex?” Because, many people have their own ideas of what is “safe” or “safer.” I have a feeling you two did discuss it in detail, but I’m just throwing it out there in case there’s a possibility of any ambiguity.
She told me that there wasn't any chemistry between her and Paul, that "nothing had happened" between them. The lies were really beginning to take shape even as the sex was over.
I can see how some fooling around with someone who couldn’t get it up could be considered “nothing.” Especially with a mellow, totally open, permissive, encouraging husband who’s pretty much okay with everything, as long as she’s safe – I might feel a bit of “why should I get uptight about anything that went so totally nowhere? It was nothing!” It could’ve been her disappointment talking more than anything.
Finally this few days, turned to week, turned to 8 days trip was over.
Now why do you put it this way, as if she suddenly sprang staying longer on you while she was there? Earlier you wrote: “Plans quickly hatched for a return visit and grew from a few days to a weeklong stay.” Didn't she plan in advance to stay longer, with your knowledge? That’s what it sounds like, and so I don’t understand why you had to reiterate the length of time she was away as if that hurt you too. Again, a tad snarky.
Everything was perfect . . . except for the blatant and constant lies and lies to cover up lies . . . veganchick offered up once again that "nothing had happened" between her and Paul. I had not inquired and simply assumed that the woman I know so well hadn't gone a week on a commune with a lover and kept her pants on . . . it didn't take us past the no solo sex boundary. Oh, so many lies!
Okay, A LOT of this doesn’t make sense to me. She said nothing happened – and yet,
you had not inquired. Then you assumed she lied (“I . . . simply assumed that the woman I know so well hadn't gone a week on a commune with a lover and kept her pants on.”) but then you’re disappointed because she hadn’t broken the “no solo sex” boundary – so there was another boundary and you vacillated between trusting and not trusting her before any real discussion took place. She may have sensed your distrust and that could’ve been one reason she felt flustered about telling you everything. Or it really did seem like no big deal to her as she was trying to process the rest of her trip.
Then veganchick let it slip that she had kissed Paul . . . certainly a lot more than "nothing" and greatly magnified by the earlier denial. It was big but not overwhelming and a relatively short discussion settled the matter.
You had no rules about kissing and left most everything pretty wide open, so what was there to “settle?” Why was kissing now something “big?”
She actually hadn’t denied kissing him earlier, because[you said]
you had never asked – correct?
And it’s easy to think of kissing as “nothing” when you’re hoping to get fucked!
. . . veganchick maintained that "nothing had happened" between her and Paul and the basically had no romantic interest in him. Meanwhile she was secretly discussing via email another possible trip to the commune. She was also telling Paul what a wonderful and meaningful time they had together and that she was looking forward to continuing where they left off. She now claims she was lying to him too during that period.
This is a bit odd, but perhaps Paul was initiating and wanting to pursue something and she didn’t know how to get out of it? Or she was afraid to admit to you having an interest in him.
Later that night veganchick and I would discuss me and Meghan, threesomes, foursomes and moresomes. Weren't we just one big happy poly family? The lies continued and another week passed.
What lies? It sounds like you all were just talking about possibilities for the future at this point.
. . . she assumed I knew about this touching when she confessed to making out. I assured I did not know and inquired if this was just touching or naked touching. The answer was that it was "sort of naked" touching but "not really". How is one sort of naked? Even as I asked that question, she stuck with the "sort of naked" story.
To make matters worse veganchick began belittling me calling me "stupid" and an "idiot" for believing her lies. Did I really think "nothing happened"? Yes, of course I did. I was shocked that nothing happened . . .
Well, there can be stages of undress, which could be called “sort of” naked. While I hope she wasn’t really belittling you, though it may have seemed that way, she was probably feeling on the defensive if your tone was accusatory. And isn't it possible that
she was also shocked to learn that you thought there was no touching, kissing, or anything until she had to explicitly tell you? If you're projecting such a sexually liberal attitude, she might not know that you needed details about something that perhaps seemed inconsequential to her (I’m not addressing the did she swallow question yet).
The . . . arguments and lies have all run together. This will be our fourth day of working through this . . . After intensive questioning . . . veganchick finally confessed to "some attempted" oral sex . . . I reluctantly began to offer more direct questions. The lies continued but at last it SEEMED that everything finally came out. There had been days of oral sex, both giving and receiving, but veganchick had not orgasmed and Paul couldn't get it up therefore "nothing had happened" . . . I began some very intense, focused direct questioning . . . "Semi-naked" became naked, one encounter became multiple days, Paul’s inability to perform became he came in my mouth and I swallowed his load, which by the way has now become "I don't remember".
I know this might sound weird, but when I feel put on the spot, my mind goes absolutely blank. It’s amazing, I forget facts that have been in my brain a long time. I’ve always thought it an odd phenomenon. This has happened to me for years, and I realized that it occurs when something is said that undermines my sense of security in what I know, or in my self-esteem, or I don’t want to look foolish. It especially happens if I feel like I'm being grilled and must go on the defensive. I go blank and doubt myself. I could be intimately familiar with the details of some information or event but, if intimidated, the only thoughts going through my brain are, “I don’t know anything... I forget... I’ll be wrong.” I later on kick myself for forgetting but it doesn’t come back completely until I verify it somehow -- I have learned that what really happens is I become frozen with fear. Perhaps she experiences something like that, too.
She may not even know why she went back and forth about it. I wonder, with you expressing how okay and eager you were with whatever she wanted (within your boundaries), that to then encounter disappointment in her lover, she must have then chose to focus on the experience of being in that community. She chalks the unsatisfying kissing and oral sex as “nothing,” maybe has her own definition of what is safe, and comes home to find you suspicious, waffling about what is acceptable, and finally grilling her again and again, when you are both upset about the misunderstandings. She feels even more confused, not trusted, and finds out that what she thought was okay with you wasn’t, and that what she thought was “nothing” was actually, to her heretofore rather open-minded husband, something serious.
Or, maybe everything happened because she wanted you to be a little jealous and “care more,” not be so eager and placating (I'm just taking a stab).