Rebuilding Trust

LovingRadiance

Active member
SNeacail
Once trust has been violated, it is hard to get it back. Once it does come back, it is even harder to keep. Little things will set off the deep hurt all over again. It’s as if things are just barely stitched back together and even the smallest jerk will rip out the stitches and re-open the larger wound, complete with blood gushing everywhere. This doesn't seem to only be limited to the person who initially violated your trust, it seeps into all your other relationships as well.

I think this is because we don't actually heal, we just think we do.

Example:

I was brutally raped. When it was done, I had bite marks and bruises up and down my back so bad that someone giving me a hug was so painful I fell to the ground in tears (and I have a high pain threshhold).

A HUGE breach of trust.
A HUGE trauma.
A HUGE wound to heal.

For a time,
every time someone was behind me
every time someone touched my back
every time I took a shower or bath with the door and/or curtain closed
every time I had sex
every time I was startled

I would freak out and the emotions from the rape would return instantly and I'd relive the experience in one way or another.

Many people live the rest of their lives this way.

I wanted to have a life of joy-not a life of fear. So I actively forced myself through every emotion and relived every step while working on understanding what I needed to be able to accept that what had happened, was no longer the reality of what was happening.

It was a LOT of work.
But honestly, I don't have that trepidation or fear any more.

Now-before anyone say it-because it would make sense for someone to say it,
my rapist isn't a stranger or someone who is no longer a part of my life.
I didn't just do the work to be able to "wash them and that experience" from my life.

The person who raped me is a part of my daily life, a part of my household, one of my lovers.

It's a lot of hard work to really address the internal damage when someone breaches your trust. In order to actually heal it-you have to really look inside of yourself to find full forgiveness and acceptance of their failures and your own. You have to really dig deep to find that place inside where you can truly and honestly accept that they are a flawed person, just like you are and that they (just like you) are doing the best that they can in any given moment in their life-including the moment when they broke your trust.

Most people don't make that effort. They only go as far as trying to get over the anger. But they don't actually dig deep to deal with the rest.
 
The trust issue is still a big problem for us. For me it's secrets and lies and the damb thing keeps coming up over and over again. My husband is real good at lies of omission, I only get half a story a lot of times.

Every little thing he forgets to tell me or every time I find out something after the fact, no matter how small, I feel like I did after the big blow out last August when I found out about his affair. Just when things are going good, I find out he has kept something from me (mostly out of habit) and all those feelings of utter despair come right back.

What I'm now realizing, is that it is no longer just an issue between him and I, it is affecting me in other relationships as well and maybe it has for a long time.
 
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I understand.
Maca commonly tells me partial things and usually after the fact.

Both times he's pursued another woman, he's taken it to a physical affection level without telling me he was intending to.

The first one, I had said they could before I left state. Then he'd told me that he wasn't going to because her lifestyle made him uncomfortable, so he was backing off. But, he then changed his mind. They'd had several dates, started kissing, shared "I love you's" and planned more romantic dates before he even let on to me that he'd decided he DID want to get to know her better.
Then, he said he wasn't comfortable bringing her home. But did anyway-I found out through a roommate.

It continued like that the whole time I was out of state and by the time I got home-I was a wreck. I kept htinking-"How in God's name can you cheat in an open-relationship?".

The thing about what you are describing though-and the same is true with what I've just described above;
in neither case has the abuse stopped in order for the healing to be done.

IF the abuse stopped, the wound healed, then the distrust would begin to fade.
But, what's to trust if the abuse continues?

If the rape wasn't a ONE TIME THING-I wouldn't be "struggling to trust again". I'd be in an abusive/codependent relationship.

The abuse has to stop for the healing to begin.

:(

It's so easy to say "I lied about THIS-but now I'm not lying about THIS so you should be able to trust me-these are DIFFERENT issues."
But they aren't really.
When you dig to the bottom, the issue is that you lied and you are lying. (general you)

I know this one well-cause I was the liar/cheat.

Only when I opted for a fully honest relationship (with myself and anyone else I'm in relationship with) did I start to understand that I had to hold myself accountable ALWAYS and in ALL WAYS to being fully honest.
 
This has come up in my life. Surrounding myself in alcohol and a fake life has allowed me to create a lot of lies. I could list umpteen ones, about relationships, my life or really anything. I have the excuse of alcohol and the fog it creates, but in the end it was all me. The fog just helped me forget the authentic me.

I lied - to myself. In turn I lied to the people I love most in the world. This has in many ways deeply affected my relationships. I have to hope...that trust can be rebuilt. But I know the ball is in my court. The...challenge is mine to be open and honest with myself, then the ones I love...and the people I may affect.

In many ways I am a coward, afraid of certain aspects of my life...hell even in some ways living monogamously in fear. In my case, I think the turn about is going to come from reverse thinking. If I feel like I shouldn't say it, I need to.

All I can do is hope, do my utmost to reverse the patterns which were selfish and destructive and go from there. I can fix my future...I can't repair the past.

In AA...they ask you to make a moral inventory of your character defects. Its a pretty damn good place to start if you want to see the real you in the mirror.

for the record, I thought I was honest, I thought I was upfront, I believed it to my core...I now know I wasn't. I was excellent at fooling myself.
 
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How is it possible to think that you are being honest when really you aren't? :confused: not to doubt you Ari, just wondering how you came to that... you can PM if it is better. :) thanks.

Also how does one balance between "I don't want to hear about it" and the need to be honest? I am stumped on this... DADT on certain things and not others... does that really work?

Part of all this to me, to do with what has been discussed so far on this thread, is the response one gets when one is honest... if there is not a safe place between two people to be honest, it is near impossible to be that vulnerable. Self protection comes first no?

If I open my heart about something to the point of being radically honest then I expect that my heart will be held by the other like a delicate flower that is made of glass. That is really difficult when the thing spoken about also causes the person to have their own heart coughed up and threatened to be exposed and fall like that same glass flower.

Our hearts are all glass flowers. When speaking to one another its important to remember that and go slowly and gently in speaking and listening. WE hold each others heart. If one or the other partner tips this delicate balance over then the glass hearts fall and trust is broken on either side. no?
 
Honesty and disclosure...

Something in redpepper's post jumped out at me and prompted me to chime in, because this is something I'm having issues with in my own relationships:

"Also how does one balance between "I don't want to hear about it" and the need to be honest? I am stumped on this... DADT on certain things and not others... does that really work? "

Though my wife finds it helpful to talk certain things over about her relationship with L, her boyfriend, she is often fairly reluctant to speak with me about my relationship with my girlfriend. Yet, at the same time, it upsets my wife to feel as though she isn't "in the loop" as to the development of my secondary relationship.

For example, the first time my girl and I had a make-out session, I told my wife about it the next evening...and she was upset that I hadn't mentioned it that morning. So, when I learned that there was a chance that my girl and I might be taking things to the next level, I told her well beforehand...and she was upset that I had told her about the possibility. My timing may not have been great, since my wife and I had just spent a lovely day together, but we had also spent a large amount of time discussing issues she was having with her boyfriend!

I have to admit, I feel sometimes like I can't win. I understand that she's the one who needs to work through her own jealousy issues, but it's difficult when I feel as though no matter what I'm doing, I'm either over-sharing or not keeping her in the loop. Any suggestions or advice would be welcome, though I'm certainly not trying to thread-jack...to me, at least, this does seem to be apropos of the theme of this discussion.
 
Rebuilding trust??

Recently my trust was broken. Let's not focus on why or anything else but the fact that two people spent time together and boundaries were crossed for whatever reason; whether the boundaries are considered valid or not, fully understood or not. Forget the details and let's focus on the title of this thread.

How do we rebuild trust in this case?
Certainly not by those people trying to avoid spending time together. That would indicate a lack of control or inability to maintain boundaries. This would only serve to create less trust and more concern.

If I were to say "you can't spend time together" that would mean that I don't trust my partner and that is not cool on many levels. It leads to a deterioration of our connection. I think trust can only be rebuilt by revisiting those similar circumstances of spending time together without crossing boundaries. Jump back in there with the benefit of past experiences.

Does this make any sense??
 
How do we rebuild trust in this case?
Certainly not by those people trying to avoid spending time together. That would indicate a lack of control or inability to maintain boundaries. This would only serve to create less trust and more concern.

If this is her choice, don't knock it yet. She may just need some time and space to step back and re-build trust in herself.

When trying to lose weight, I need to stay away from certain foods, because they are my weekness. Therefore I will avoid certain places until I have developed a trust in myself and some new habits. I will also enlist the help of others around me to help me maintain control when I know I will be going into a situation where things may be just too tempting. Usually just knowing that I have backup does the trick.

I think trust can only be rebuilt by revisiting those similar circumstances of spending time together without crossing boundaries.

I agree with this, but it may take time before the person is ready or strong enough to even be willing to face the situation again. Unfortunately it will also mean that your trust can't be completely restored until it can be tried and tested.

My problem is that I trust too easily. I take people at their word and give them the benefit of the doubt. This has bit me in the ass quite a few time recently. For me personally, I expect people to make mistakes, but I completely loose trust if it is hidden/kept secret from me. I can forgive loss of control, but not intentional deception.
 
Unfortunately it will also mean that your trust can't be completely restored until it can be tried and tested.

.

I though this might be interpreted as such. It's not the case for me (although there might be a little truth in it). I think I made my comment too personal to convey my opinion.

Redpepper has my full trust...there were some mixed signals and vagueness I think. We occasionally have communication break downs because we define words differently and our word usage isn't as effective in getting our thoughts across at times.
 
We occasionally have communication break downs because we define words differently and our word usage isn't as effective in getting our thoughts across at times.

I see this as a very common hurdle in so many relationships, of both mine and my friends. Sometimes we need translators! This is what I realize happened with me and Shorty. He has called our relationship a friendship, but our concepts of friendship apparently are quite different. To me, he was a lover, but I accepted his terms of calling it a friendship, because I could see how important it was to him not to be considered my "boyfriend." Whatever. I didn't want to get hung up on words. However, though he's always been tender and caring, he has kept me as more of a satellite in his life, with some distance -- rather than someone within his close circle. That is quite different from what I think of as a friend.

It hasn't affected my trust in him, per se, but rather my trust in what we have together. I was always wondering if I was doing something wrong somehow. This is one of the factors in my telling him I need a break from our relationship. I need to give myself some space before getting involved with him again, and then only if we have some agreement on the meanings of the terms we are using to define what we have.
 
I though this might be interpreted as such. It's not the case for me (although there might be a little truth in it). I think I made my comment too personal to convey my opinion.

Redpepper has my full trust...there were some mixed signals and vagueness I think.

I think it's easier to regain trust in your partner, than to trust that you won't be hurt again, at least for me.

We occasionally have communication break downs because we define words differently and our word usage isn't as effective in getting our thoughts across at times.

No wonder the English language is so screwed up and complicated, you men keep making up new definitions to common words. You must have your own secret club where you keep the "special" dictionaries used just to confuse us women. :p
 
Sexism is no joke and a word on trust

No wonder the English language is so screwed up and complicated, you men keep making up new definitions to common words. You must have your own secret club where you keep the "special" dictionaries used just to confuse us women. :p

I commonly push the limits of the meanings of words and use them for my own purposes, right or wrong. It's 'cause I know the rules (in regards to the English language) that I feel I have a pass to break them. All of us writer types are this way, as far as I know.

Also, I invite you to switch your "men"s and "women"s in the above quote and behold the shitstorm kickin' up the alleyway.

I feel feisty. It's warm (51F), and the window, thank the heavens, is open.

On rebuilding trust:
Redpepper, I love the way you value yourself.

I have pushed full force past boundaries, even barricades, but I have paid attention each time. I feel like I'm building the skill of forgiving myself my humanity, as long as I don't allow myself to become a monster. This is the best thing I can do to build trust with my intimates, whether it has been broken, healed, or only dreamed about.

I work on trusting myself, so my so my decisions are authentic and kind. I trust that if I work, they will love me for who I am, love my flaws like they are shining diamonds, because each is a precious opportunity to carefully keep from falling, and delight in, much like RP said.

There is a safe place in my heart where it is impossible to tell lies. I made it for myself. I invite them in.

-R
 
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Sometimes we need translators! .

So I guess this would be one of the benefits of having metamours for me. PN and Derby can look at our issues with a different perspective and give insight into what we are trying to say to each other :) Of course we can provide the same servcie for others as well.

The emotional impact of words can often cloud the message being delivered....something to consider for many of us I think (including me of course:eek:)
 
That's why I have you guys!
I need someone to interpret and THANK GOD for my polyboard friends!!!

I'd be up a creek cause I think the three of us speak 3 completely different languages!


In regards to the question about when to say what-

I find for myself that it's very helpful if my husband will ask me if now is a good time to discuss his other relationships. Sometimes it is. Sometimes it isnt, but will be in 5 minutes, other times, it's not and I just need it to be about us for a day. ;)
 
On rebuilding trust:
Redpepper, I love the way you value yourself.

I have pushed full force past boundaries, even barricades, but I have paid attention each time. I feel like I'm building the skill of forgiving myself my humanity, as long as I don't allow myself to become a monster. This is the best thing I can do to build trust with my intimates, whether it has been broken, healed, or only dreamed about.

I work on trusting myself, so my so my decisions are authentic and kind. I trust that if I work, they will love me for who I am, love my flaws like they are shining diamonds, because each is a precious opportunity to carefully keep from falling, and delight in, much like RP said.

There is a safe place in my heart where it is impossible to tell lies. I made it for myself. I invite them in.

-R
Rarechild, I love the delicateness of your words here. My words seem clumpsy and awkward next to yours sometimes.

I think I need to read this thread again or something because as much as I love your words. I don't have any clue what they mean LOL:eek: could you give me more to go on... cause I want to.:confused:
 
I have several hang ups with rebuilding trust.

1) I spent 10 years living in a marriage that was full of lies and cheating. That has now changed in the last 17 months. But the relationship that they built was built behind my back and as a lie. SO I have this deep rooted disdain for the " relationship" as a whole. I honestly believe that the trust would be easier to rebuild had things not happened like that. Hard to be a trusting team when it all began as a decption.

2) As LR stated, we all speak a different language. LR tends to use words in there literal meaning, GG ..well he is a poet. The words he says sound nice but they dont connect to a meaning and he gets lost in his own head. He ALWAYS means well but both LR and I usually get so frustrated, that we cant figure out where he is going with a thought, that we usually just take over the discussion or LR trys to interput for him. I tend to NOT speak ALL of the parts of a concept that Im trying to realy to somone. I tend to assume that certain " things" are just understood. That gets me in trouble , because no one person thinks exactly like another. I have tried to use LR's way of talking ( using the literal meaning) but that always seems to result in a fight. When I say to her " I did not say X, what I said was Y" I must have put a defensive tone in my words. Because it dosnt turn out well.

3) I have yet to own up to my serious and fucked up actions and behaviors.


To me #3 is the first thing that Im focusing on. I have done some horrific and evil things to the people that I care most about in my life. I have seriously contemplated "getting rid" of various people for good. I have seriously contemplated "getting rid" of myself for good.

I have made two appointments to see a therapist. ( Not because of the hurting myself or others) Im way over that part now. But Im wanting to work on focusing on finding and prioritizing the good in myself and the one I love.

Arm is hurting so Im donr typing for tonite. Goodnight all.


M
 
When I say to her " I did not say X, what I said was Y" I must have put a defensive tone in my words. Because it dosnt turn out well.

I think my husband will be relieved to hear that he is not alone in this. I also use literal meanings, while my husband makes up meanings. We had what looks like this exact same issue. He would say X and I would repeat it back word for word, then he would come back with was "what I SAID was Y", instead of "what I MENT was Y". Since he used said I now fixated on what was actually said... Big arguement everytime.:rolleyes:

We finally had a breakthru when somehow during an arguement I told him that by using said instead of ment I felt like he was calling me a liar, when I repeated back his exact words. This was not his intention, now this lead to a 1/2 hour arguement on the definition of "said", looking it up in the dictionary, etc.:rolleyes: With a little nudge from our therapist, we have not had the same issue since, that was 3 months ago.:D

I trust easily, and I am still struggling with not wanting to check every e-mail or text, etc.

Take care of your arm.
 
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