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Old 10-21-2010, 12:06 AM
Bellepheobe Bellepheobe is offline
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Default a not-poly conundrum

Hi, I want to begin by saying that I understand the poly lifestyle and it appeals to me, but I'm currently in a monogamous LTR of six years with my bf. My problem is this: I love and respect my boyfriend deeply, but I'm also in love with a male friend. I haven't told my boyfriend or my friend this. My boyfriend knows I have a hard crush on the friend, but he doesn't know that I love him. I'm pretty sure the friend might know I like him quite a bit, but he doesn't know more than that. I've thought about this for six months, and I can't shake or deny that I love this other man. I am debating telling my boyfriend. I think about this friend every day. I don't know if I will tell him how I feel, but I want to. I think about it a lot. My ideal situation would be that my boyfriend understands how I feel and isn't hurt and he allows me to enter into a relationship with this other guy, and I confess my feelings to this other guy and he returns them. BUT I know just how unlikely this is. I just want to know what you think about me telling my boyfriend, and how can I cope with being in love with this other guy and not being able to act on it.

Thank you in advance for your thoughts.
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Old 10-21-2010, 09:23 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Kansas City Metro
Posts: 2,187

If you are to ever be involved with both of them, it will begin with you discussing it with them. I'd suggest discussing it with your boyfriend first, as you're already involved with him.

Prior to doing so, I'll recommend having responses ready for questions he's likely to ask/concerns he's likely to have, including such worst-case utterances as "you don't love me any more!" He's most likely going to need a good deal of explanation of your thoughts and feelings and beliefs, plus work on your part to help reinforce his feelings of security in the relationship. He'll also likely need a good deal of time to work through his thoughts and figure out whether he can exist in such a relationship or not.

Then it's time to approach the friend with the idea.
When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
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Old 10-21-2010, 09:36 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Upstate New York, USA
Posts: 1,467

Some more bits of information, please: You say that the poly lifestyle is one that interests you - did it interest you before this other person came on the scene (in other words is it interesting to you anyway, or it is specific to this other person)?

Secondly, if you have this interest in a multi-love relationship, have you shared these thoughts with your current boyfriend at all?

I think your approach may well change, depending on the answers to these questions.

"Listen, or your tongue will make you deaf." - Native American Proverb
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