Triad family moving in together.

Anakalia

New member
Hey there!

Anyone here in a triad and all live together? With kids? My partners and I all want to move in together with our children (ages 6, 8, 8, 11, and 13), and we're just trying to sort out the logistical side of things.

Specifically, we're trying to figure out how we'll split bills (rent, food, general bills). I come in to it as a single mother of 4 children (3 of which are with me full time, 1 of which is a teenager and lives mostly with his Dad 5 minutes from me), and they are a married couple with 1 child.

Thanks! Any suggestions and stories are appreciated. :)
 
How long have you been with your partners?
 
I started dating my girlfriend first, and that was just over a year ago, and the triad started about 10 months ago.
 
I am not a member of a triad - I'm the hinge in a vee - but we are coming together right now as my boyfriend is moving in. I have a journal on this site if you want to check it out.

My husband is a socialist, and he makes more income than I and my boyfriend combined, so we all contribute what we can to the pot. That's what we do now. We had initially decided to just have my boyfriend pay a set amount toward rent each month, but his work situation has been spotty recently so we are letting him work out his issues.
 
I guess figure out all the expenses, divide by how many people live there including children then the parents of the children cover their share. So if all the bills are 1200 divide by 7 would be $171 per person. So OP who has herself and 3 full time kids would cover $684 of it. Id do the same for food.

Another option would be a shared bank account for all where all money goes in. And all adults get some spending money and any required purchases would be discussed beforehand to be fair.
 
Now, I don't want to discourage you out of your idea, but have you thought of getting a separate residence, but in the same area? I live five minutes away from my boyfriend and his spouse. I can go to either place, as can he. But I don't have to worry about splitting bills, etc. I just have mine, and they have theirs. I hardly even sleep in my place, but I HAVE it.

It can be nice, particularly if you're unable to be open, so there are no worries such as, what do you do when his in-laws visit? When YOUR parents visit?
 
There are a myriad of ways to split costs in your scenario, and each of them can be justified. I think the first question you need to answer is: who is economically responsible for whom? Are you (OP, singular) going to continue supporting yourself and your kids and they themselves (as a unit) and their child - as I suppose things have been so far. Or, are all the adults willing to take responsibility of everyone? Or something in between - say, for example you cover costs for yourself and your kids normally, but the married couple would be a "crisis help". In my eyes these all solutions are OK and can be justified. Just, what do you want? What feels good for all of you involved?

Once you decide this, then you have a basis on which to start thinking about more exact details.

I guess figure out all the expenses, divide by how many people live there including children then the parents of the children cover their share. So if all the bills are 1200 divide by 7 would be $171 per person. So OP who has herself and 3 full time kids would cover $684 of it. Id do the same for food.

Another option would be a shared bank account for all where all money goes in. And all adults get some spending money and any required purchases would be discussed beforehand to be fair.

In the first scenario here every adult would cover for their own kids, in the second scenario adults take responsibility of kids jointly. Both are fine.
 
Since you have 4 kids and they have one, you could pay for your kids' food, clothing, sports, etc as usual. And for your own needs and wants. The other couple pays for themselves and their kid. Imagine you, as a single mom, moving in with your sister and her husband and kid, would you expect them to pay for you and your 4 kids?

On the other hand, if your partners make a boatload of money and want to help you pay for raising your kids, that's fine too. If you want to just pool all your resources and get a joint checking account you could do that too.

It's really completely up to you and your partners.
 
I'm really interested to see how you guys work this out. This sort of scenario is very similar to what my ideal family would be. I wish you the best of luck and happiness!
 
Now, I don't want to discourage you out of your idea, but have you thought of getting a separate residence, but in the same area? I live five minutes away from my boyfriend and his spouse. I can go to either place, as can he. But I don't have to worry about splitting bills, etc. I just have mine, and they have theirs. I hardly even sleep in my place, but I HAVE it.

It can be nice, particularly if you're unable to be open, so there are no worries such as, what do you do when his in-laws visit? When YOUR parents visit?

We do currently live very close to one another, time together is not really an issue. And 2/3 of us are out to our parents, so that's also a non-issue.

I guess it's the day to day life, the sharing of everything, and sharing of a home base we are looking for.

Really, it's just in discussion right now, so it's not really set in stone anyways. :)

Thanks.
 
I guess it's the day to day life, the sharing of everything, and sharing of a home base we are looking for.

I can understand that, but it's not necessary to live in the same house to have a day to day life together. The only real reason I see for sharing a home is because of kids, particularly very young kids that need you there overnight.
 
I can understand that, but it's not necessary to live in the same house to have a day to day life together. The only real reason I see for sharing a home is because of kids, particularly very young kids that need you there overnight.

I can see that in a vee situation but in a closed triad i would want to sleep with my partners every night.
 
I think I would vote for either complete integration of finances or complete separation (meaning all three of you separate instead of them as a couple and you solo). If doing complete integration, then you pool all monies and create a budget so all obligations are covered then each person gets "fun money." If all separate, each individual could do a budget to determine how much he/she could contribute to household expenses and you could make choices based on that. Obviously, with integration kid expenses would be shared while keeping it separate would keep kids the individual parents' responsibilities.

I personally would rather have an integrated household. That would be a lot more forgiving if one person makes a boatload where another makes very little. Or if y'all decide that someone should become a stay at home parent. Or anything like that. Then you're all aware of everything and can make rational and appropriate decisions.
 
I can see that in a vee situation but in a closed triad i would want to sleep with my partners every night.

The distinction between these two relationships will be what helps you decide how to split up the bills and such. In our closed triad, we are totally financially commingled. We total all bills, put our 1/3 into a shared account, and pay everything from our account. Our extra or personal things come from our personal accounts with what's left over after paying into our joint account each month. So, if it were me in your exact situation, my kids food and essentials would be covered under my third of the total cost, but extra things I wanted to do with or for them (sport practice, movies, etc.) would come from any money I have remaining in my personal account that month. For us, we also pay things like our student loans out of our individual account.

Really, like a standard monogamous couple, you just need to decide on the level of commingling that you want. I've seen couples put everything into one account with one person in charge, everyone splitting bills and keeping separate accounts, and everything in between.

For us, we love waking in the same bed every morning, doing chores and other mundane tasks together, and commingling the hell out of our money.

I'm excited for you! Good luck.
 
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I can understand that, but it's not necessary to live in the same house to have a day to day life together. The only real reason I see for sharing a home is because of kids, particularly very young kids that need you there overnight.

It may not be necessary, but when it works, it is fabulous. (Speaking from experience here.). Some really enjoy the close-knit family vibe, sharing day to day routines, the minutiae of daily living.

Others need more autonomy.

I realize you are speaking from your experience and needs, but the OP asked how to share expenses; not whether moving in together was a good idea.
 
I'm a homebody, so cohabitation makes the most sense to me for our situation (which doesn't involve kids).

As to finances, I'm the only one with a steady income - and it is sufficient to cover all of our expenses. I handle all of the bills and financial decisions. For major purchases they have to come to me to make sure the budget can handle it. We each have a "household" credit card for routine expenses.

The boys get a budgeted amount of "fun money" each month that goes into their separate accounts. If they happen to earn money on the side then that is theirs too - although they will often turn over a chunk of it to me if it is more than they have an immediate use for.

Their contributions to the household are largely non-monetary (although they save us a lot of money doing the things that I would otherwise have to hire people for) - they keep the cars running, do all the home and property maintenece, shopping/cooking/errands, etc. (I wish I could say "cleaning" - but we are ALL bad at that!)

This is what works for us. I'm a saver and a planner - they are NOT. On the other hand, I work long hours and don't have time to do "domestic-type" chores...:rolleyes:

JaneQ
 
JaneQ, thank you for sharing that! We are almost there with our moving in together. Our financial prospects look very different, but it is lovely to read all different approaches to the subject! Appreciate!

And, we all are homebodies, too, and this solution to our living situation is just perfect for us - as well as good financially.
 
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