Moving out -- do I owe the other the metamour (we all live together)

doglover0217

New member
Hi to anyone who has read any of my other posts! Long story short, I took Red's absence because of work travel as an opportunity to get out. The decision has been incredibly difficult, but our relationship is toxic at this point and if there is anything left to salvage, living separately is the only way (at least that's my opinion. Red will vehemently disagree). I don't necessarily want to break up altogether, but I feel like I can't make any decisions until we have space and reset boundaries.

We started more as a triad but morphed into a V, and we have lived together for a little over 2 years. Blue (the metamour) and I are basically roommates. We don't talk much, and during Red's absence we haven't spent any time together.

I'm moving my things while Blue is at work and Red is on his way back from his trip. I have a letter I've written to Red about my decision, but my question for everyone is what I should communicate to Blue (and when). Blue is married to Red, so the decision very much impacts him in a way that it seems like I'm jumping ship and throwing a lot onto his plate. But at the same time, I'm not sure he knows how toxic and unhealthy my relationship is with Red.
 
I might get all my stuff out and then wait for Blue to show up. Then you could give him the key and be done with it.
 
If you consider Blue to be a friend and are comfortable having a convo in person, then I think it would probably be nice to have that convo in person. I concur that it probably makes sense to move your stuff first so that no one can convince you to stay. But how you should tell Blue I think has a lot more to do with what you feel like your relationship is to Blue, and if you want to be able to still have some sort of relationship with Blue in the future, be that as a friend, or meta, or whatever.
 
Under normal conditions I think it would be polite to give people 30 days notice that you plan to move out/not renew lease etc.

But since you are moving out to escape Red's poor behaviors and have some space and reset boundaries? You don't get to give Blue 30 days notice. You yourself didn't have the 30 days time.

Blue (the metamour) and I are basically roommates. We don't talk much, and during Red's absence we haven't spent any time together.

What you could do is finish moving out, and then thank Blue for being roomies face to face. (Or if you don't feel safe seeing Blue if Red is around there, make arrangements to meet elsewhere by phone like a bookstore coffee shop to say thanks and give the key.) Wish Blue well and just leave it at that. Keep it at the "basic roomies" level.

You guys used to be in a triad together but it sounds like you broke up with Blue romantically a while ago when the triad ended and it morphed into a V. So no need to rehash that. This is a roomie break up with Blue, not a romance one.

Blue is married to Red, so the decision very much impacts him in a way that it seems like I'm jumping ship and throwing a lot onto his plate. But at the same time, I'm not sure he knows how toxic and unhealthy my relationship is with Red.

I think you are worrying about things that are not your job.

Blue is married to Red. Presumably Blue is willing to deal with Red and all Red's behaviors if Blue married Red. It's not you "dumping extra on Blue" because you decided to stop dealing in Red's behaviors.

Blue could choose to keep going with Red. Or Blue could choose to leave Red. Blue's choices belong to BLUE. That side of the V is separate from your side of the V.
How it goes is not your business. Blue can make up his own mind and Blue is in charge of his own "willing and able."

You are in charge of yours. At this time, you are not willing and able to keep on living with Red. So you moved out.

Galagirl
 
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Hi doglover0217,

I suppose I would tell it to Blue short and sweet. Something like, "So I am moving out, I just wanted you to know. It's nothing you did, you've been a good roommate to me and I appreciate it. I'm just having too many problems with Red right now. So, anyway, that's what's going on." You don't have to use that word for word, you can cut and add and adjust, if you choose to use that at all. I'm just kind of giving my suggestion off the top of my head.

Sorry you have to be moving like this, but I think it's for the best. And maybe your relationship with Red can be saved ... it's hard to tell at this point.

With many regards,
Kevin T.
 
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