First date rule

redpepper

Active member
We acompany each other on 1st dates. This is for a couple reasons. 1st, so that the potential bf or gf understands that the person they are seeing is married, but that the spouse is "ok" with them dating and getting intimate. 2nd is for safety. Mainly of L, but eh...I guess if I were to be "molested" by some woman (note the sarcasm and humor here please) I would appreciate L helping. LMAO! :D
Thanks TL4everu2 for allowing me to go into more depth with this "rule" that you have with your partner. It fascinates me.

To me having anyone else on a first date, would not be a first date. It would be a meeting. I can see the benefit as it gets the whole meet and greet thing out of the way, but it kind of makes the assumption that there is something there to work towards right from the beginning and I wouldn't want the person I am dating to make that assumption right from the get go.

I dunno, it sounds controlling to me rather than protective. I can take care of myself and have never put myself in a situation whereby it isn't known where I am, when I got there and when I plan to be home. I never go to places with people I don't know that aren't public and always make sure that people see me. What harm could come really.

I can't imagine how this would work. Please explain more? Anyone have any thoughts or experience with this concept?
 
RP, for a while, I was corresponding with someone from OKC who had a similar rule. We wound up not meeting (maybe will at some point, I dunno), but here's what he wrote about it to me once:

"We do have one rule that we always follow. When one of us is meeting someone new for the first time, we always both meet them. ... For her that tends to keep a lot of the creeps away. For me, it usually helps assure women that I'm not really cheating on my wife. ... And yes, always the first meeting. It's not a test. Our usual method is to meet somewhere in public. Dinner or drinks somewhere, depending on what works out. And if there are any rules or preferences you'd have, I'd comply."​

He and his wife have been married for 30 years and poly for about 10, so it seems to have worked for them so far. The idea of it made me really nervous, though. Maybe that's why I just never went and met them, although we did start trying to schedule something and then set it aside. But I was just starting looking at poly at the time.
 
I'd be curious, if TL or LT pop into this thread, is it really a date date? I mean, is there the "usual" first date stuff, like a bit of flirting, that sort of deal? Or is the atmosphere closer to that of three people meeting?
 
I can see how that would be a useful way to start things off. It get everything on the table and out in the open. I agree with RP that I'm not sure I'd call it a date. I think if I were married/coupled, I would probably organize this for a second date or just a meeting after the first date. I'd want to be able to establish a small connection and explore their energy without that pressure first. I do like that TL and LT are being active about expressing what they're offering. Honesty can be difficult to find sometimes. I would imagine that method keeps cowgirls and boys at bay. ;)
 
To me having anyone else on a first date, would not be a first date. It would be a meeting.

I'm with you. Such a meeting wouldn't be a date. Nor would it would last an evening for dinner and drinks or anything similar. Want to have coffee and a short chat? Sure. Meet somewhere and have a beer? Perhaps. Make an evening of it when there's no way it can be a date? No.

I prefer any women interested in me speak with Curly prior to any great involvement, sure. I'm certainly not going to ask anybody on a date with Curly along, for that wouldn't be a date. I believe that would be rude--any lady interested in a date with me isn't automatically signing on for a date with Curly.
 
Mr. Sour and I tried this !

The amusing part for ourselves, was that we didn`t do it at 'the beginning'.
We dated seperately for awhile, and then one time a issue came up, where I couldnt really get a read on a guy.

I take awhile getting to know people before I meet them. Usually I have good intincts,.....but,..this guy was a head-scratcher' for me. Mr.Sour and I tend to have the same thought processes on people and personalities, so I wanted his opinion.
So I asked Mr.Sour to meet me with him. It went totally fine, and the guy was okie-dokie.

I am usually someone who prefers to do things alone, on my own. However, we had moved to a new city, I was in a unknown area, had no feel for the culture or the attitude, so I think I just wanted the confidence and opinion, that something familiar brings.

He asked me the same favour one time, going on a date with a new woman. Though, his reason was ....ummm,......cause he wanted a excuse to leave, if she was a nutter. LOL


So I can see TL`s reasoning. (safety, and equal opportunity in a way, I think ? ) Also, I have met people who wanted me to meet their spouse as well. It`s not ever felt awkward, which really surprised me ! We usually all laugh and have a easier time,....3 or 4 people making conversation, fills in more gaps then 2, sometimes. :)


I think the difference lies in the reason for the extra addition. If it is fear-based, and almost interrogation-like, then it would feel very much like a meeting, and not a date.
I can tell you, in my case, where I met that gentleman,..there was some flirting, and I was even flirting with the waitress on behalf of Mr.Sour. :D


Negative moments : I`ve had people message me online, then hand over my email to their spouse,....and THAT felt like interrogation. I`d rather meet in real life, and see if the comfort-zone is there, or not.

I had the husband of a gorgeous woman, ( I had hoped was blossoming into a relationship ) ..tell me after date three, that if I wanted to touch his wife, I had to ask him permission first, because they had a D/s relationship sexually, and I was expected to follow it. Ummmmm,....no. I`ll ask her, not him. Either she`s her own woman or not, apart from him. What they do in sex, involving themselves, is up to them, but nobody was dictating their sex life, at me.
 
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I've personally never had it officially. I was more apt to see girls on my own, and then they could me pengrah separately. The added pressure of a full fledged introduction would be annoying I think. So it usually didn't happen until it became something more than fleeting.

That said, the first meeting with sourgirl was all 4 of us. Its blossomed quite well that way.

I am not sure how I would take it as a requirement. I might think of it as a yellow flag.
 
I've personally never had it officially. I was more apt to see girls on my own, and then they could me pengrah separately. The added pressure of a full fledged introduction would be annoying I think. So it usually didn't happen until it became something more than fleeting.

That said, the first meeting with sourgirl was all 4 of us. Its blossomed quite well that way.
.

Well, You were travelling by plane, to meet a woman from online. lol. It didn`t offend me in the slightest, and made perfect sense she wanted to meet me due to distance. None of it was awkward at all. :D

Wanna do it again, sometime? :p
 
Well, You were travelling by plane, to meet a woman from online. lol. It didn`t offend me in the slightest, and made perfect sense she wanted to meet me due to distance. None of it was awkward at all. :D

Wanna do it again, sometime? :p

That is true, it would have been awkward flying a distance without my wife to spend time with a wife and hubby. It worked out for the best methinks ;) :p...

Sure, how bout this weekend :p...
 
I've personally never had it officially. I was more apt to see girls on my own, and then they could me pengrah separately. The added pressure of a full fledged introduction would be annoying I think. So it usually didn't happen until it became something more than fleeting.

That said, the first meeting with sourgirl was all 4 of us. Its blossomed quite well that way.

I am not sure how I would take it as a requirement. I might think of it as a yellow flag.

I should note there a hidden truth. I guess I am accidently leaving it out. Before sourgirl I was a unicorn hunter. Also, Pengrah and I were also very independent in our groups. I had an abundance of friends on my own, and she did with hers. There was a lot of cross over. But we commonly hung out on our own.

Me hanging out with a group of girls on my own was not unheard of. Me going to a bar and hanging out late into the night with a girl was common. Me flirting and partying with random strangers wasn't unheard of. In that time it was fun. My wife had the same kind of fun too. Again with lots of cross over.

So my perspective on being married and friendly/available/dating is very different than most. Most peoples concepts of monogamy and marriage are very locked in and restrictive to me.
 
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We met Maca's girlfriend together the first time.
It was a lunch date.

It was awesome.
Our youngest child was with us-and she and I both were enamored with said lady immediately.

But-it wasn't a "rule".. it was nice though for letting her know that it was all "up and up" and he wasn't just "sneaking around behind his wife's back"..

I think there has to be a little "give and take" depending on circumstances.
But, I thought it was awesome that we could all meet, talk, be friendly, get to know each other a little bit. Give a face to a name so to speak.
 
I would definitely want to meet my metamour in person or introduce my partners to a potential partner, but I would consider that to be a step that happens before a first date. The first date would be the first one-on-one outing, more people than that and I wouldn't consider it a date.
With established partners, sure, having some kind of "double date" would be fine, however when it's someone I'm just starting a relationship with I would want to work on our personal relationship. Even if they were dating one of my partners also, I would want these to happen on different occasions.
 
Sorry guys. Not much time to respond right this moment. But rest assured, I will tomorrow as time permits.

Please, line up your questions so that I can address them individually. ;)

RP, you mentioned that you felt it was a bit "controlling". It may be to a point. However, my wife and I both do that to each other. It is something we have done for 20 years, so it works for us. It doesn't work for everyone. HOWEVER, LT has full range to do as she pleases. So, if she wants to go on a date with some bloke, and half way through the date, pulls me asside, and say "I feel really good about this guy. Can we have a bit of alone time so I can go shag his brains out?" That's perfectly fine too. I'm fine with it, and I'll hand her a cl condoms, and say "Have a great time baby. See you when you get home. Any idea which hotel you're going to?".

Does it work the other way around? No, not really. I am still a bit uncomfortable meeting women, or even asking them out. LOL Plus, LT would definatly NOT be ok wiht me meeting some woman, then taking her out to a hotel and shagging her rotten. LOL BUT, for US, it works. Not for eveyone. LT gets into being restrained. The sheer THOUGHT of it, turns my stomach and scares the hell out of me. I keep hoping she finds someone she feels comfortable enough to allow to do that to her, as I don't do it enough, or adequatly IMO. (she tells me it's fine, and I do it fine, but I have my doubts LOL) Anyway, give me the questions. ;)
 
Interestingly, when I think about the poly people I've dated (some of them couples, some of them one half of a couple) I realize that many of my first meetings with them were with BOTH of them together. Usually this has been in social situations like parties or poly meets, but a few times it's been on a "date" with both of them. It actually went ok (well, exceptionally well with the couple I'm currently dating). :D

So... as a perspective from the other side of the fence, I wanted to point out that if the date is casual and respectful, it's actually sort of nice to see how a potential partner interacts with their current partner. As a woman, I find it comforting to see their poly-in-action and would rather weed out those who aren't comfortable with it sooner than later. If I started dating a man and didn't get to meet his wife for weeks, and then found out she wasn't quite comfortable with me, that would really suck. :p
 
Yes, Geminigirl, we dated a woman who said the same thing. We all seemed to get along just fine, however, she cited the fact that LT and I do too much together, as the reason to break up with us. :( I really liked her too. But there were issues from the beginning. She would tell LT one thing, then tell me something opposite. :( So, after about week two or three, I was on autopilot....Hoping that they would start to see eye to eye....but it never happened. Don't get me wrong, I put in the time, and the effort to get them to see things eye to eye, but....There were some significant differences in our lifestyle vs. hers. In the end, it was best for us to all three break up.

So it's NOT all candy and fun. :(
 
I'd be curious, if TL or LT pop into this thread, is it really a date date? I mean, is there the "usual" first date stuff, like a bit of flirting, that sort of deal? Or is the atmosphere closer to that of three people meeting?
Yes it is a real date! Everyone involved is aware that it is a date. Yes there is a lot of flirting!!!! We find it hot to see our spouse flirt and be flirted on. We have never had an issue with the other person we are meeting. We have been told every time they are happy we wanted to be together for the first date, it takes the pressure of wondering if the person(ie one of us) is cheating. And sometimes the other person involved asks to see us BOTH again and we usually go from there.
I am sure T will get on here later and explain it in more details. I am not as good as he is in explaining and I need to get to school.
 
You'll get no argument from me on that, TL4everu2. I've kissed my share of frogs in order to find my princes (and princesses). ;)
 
Yes, Geminigirl, we dated a woman who said the same thing. We all seemed to get along just fine, however, she cited the fact that LT and I do too much together, as the reason to break up with us. :( I really liked her too. But there were issues from the beginning. She would tell LT one thing, then tell me something opposite. :( So, after about week two or three, I was on autopilot....Hoping that they would start to see eye to eye....but it never happened. Don't get me wrong, I put in the time, and the effort to get them to see things eye to eye, but....There were some significant differences in our lifestyle vs. hers. In the end, it was best for us to all three break up.

So it's NOT all candy and fun. :(

She would pit us against each other is more like it. She tried changing us a family, ie what we ate and how we parented. We was never going to see eye to eye when she tried to change a family that was not broken. She never understood that.
 
I can see how this might work if you have been doing poly for awhile and date within the community. I think where I am stumped on it working is if you are participating on a partners date out of fear (jealousy) and with someone that doesn't know the first thing about poly, or very little.
 
I understand that some folks like the way it works. I still wouldn't do it. The short meeting with a chat is fine. Were I to be asked on a date with somebody along whom I'm not interested in dating, I'd pass on that and likely on anything further. That doesn't work for me.
 
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