I got married in 1995 when I was 18. It was great for a while, and then something just seemed to snap. I think it had a lot to do with losing my first pregnancy at 18 weeks along on 3/23/96. He became distant and I turned into an emotional wreck. Life was a battle just to get from one day to the next without crying, asking "why me" and feeling this awful bitterness toward other women who had their babies. "How come they can and I couldn't?"
Then the abuse started, mildly at first. I don't think I really even noticed what was taking place in the beginning. He always said he was sorry, he loved me, he'd never do it again, and if I hadn't made him so mad, etc. Ok, so I was quite emotional and hard to handle at times. Maybe it was my fault. I'd better change for him so he didn't get upset all the time. The abuse seemed to stop just as suddenly as it had started.
But the peace wasn't meant to last. We found out I was pregnant again. Scared...oh boy was I ever! I told the doctor about losing my 1st one and she assured me that a lot of women lose one pregnancy and never lose another one. I asked if I could have an ultrasound. She said wait until 12 weeks along, you'll be able to see more, it'll be more fun that way for you guys.
So at 12 weeks & 3days along, hubby and I went in for the ultrasound. They have those charts on the wall that show your baby in each of the nine months of pregnancy. We looked at them while we were waiting. For as long as I live I don't think I'll ever forget what happened next. I had been staring straight ahead, afraid to look at the screen until the tech told me everything was ok. Out of the corner of my eye I glanced at my husband. Did I see tears in his eyes? Oh NO! I turned my head to look at him. He looks down at me, crying by this time, "It doesn't look like the picture for three months along" he said to me. The ultrasound tech tells us he'll be right back with the doctor. Dr. comes in, looks, and says the baby never developed beyond seven weeks, there is no heartbeat, and my body hasn't figured it out yet. That's why I hadn't been bleeding or anything. Go home, wait another week and see if my body catches on so I can dispose of it naturally (What an awful, gruesome thing to hear). Well it didn't. A D&C was done a week later on 1/29//99. Tests were done to find out why I'd lost two babies. No answer was found. They said try again in a few months.
After that things got worse and worse. He started drinking and using drugs. The abuse started again, and as time went on it got really bad. Fourth of July weekend he hit me in the face, gave me a black eye. I left to my parent’s house to think and try to figure out what I wanted to do. We talked on the phone while I was there. He told me he was sorry, he loved me, he'd never do it again, and he didn't know what came over him. I believed him and went back.
Later I found out he had spent the weekend having sex with my 'best friend'. After that, all summer was such a nightmare. I was pregnant again (He claimed he wanted to be a dad more than anything, although his actions proved a lot differently). In September I started to spot. Not bad but enough so I called the doctor again. The doctor had been keeping a close watch of this pregnancy because of my history. I'd already had ultrasounds done starting at six weeks along. Everything had been ok. I even had pictures of my baby and had seen the little tiny heartbeat. Well it wasn't to be this time either. After I called the doctor, I went directly in for an ultrasound to see if things were still ok. There was no heartbeat anymore. I was 14 weeks along on 9/29/99.
This was just about all I could stand. I blamed my hubby for it. If he hadn't been so abusive, if he hadn't said such cruel things, my babies would still be here. I left him and moved nine hours away to get myself straightened out, maybe even have a life that resembled something normal. That's when Tyler's birth father came into the picture. It wasn't meant to be anything serious and I sure as heck wasn't planning on ever being pregnant again.
It happened though. Funny how things come to be that are just meant to be that way. When we found out I was pregnant, Scott was ecstatic. There was an ultrasound done around six weeks on January 11, 2000. Scott cried when he saw that little image and heard his baby’s heartbeat.
Then Tyler's birth father went back to his parent’s house to live. I heard from him a couple times right after he left, then nothing at all until after Tyler was born.
When I was about three months along, my ex and I started talking again. He was being oh so sweet to me. Telling me all the things he had before. Except this time he said we should go to counseling together, really get things worked out for sure this time.
I had told him about being pregnant again. He was even nice about that while we were living apart. Told me that because of my history of miscarriages I should keep this baby (as opposed to abortion, which he later wanted and I refused). He said it might be my only chance to ever be a mom. He wanted me to come back. He was ok with everything.
Foolish me believed him and went back. It was great for about a month. Then life became an absolute living hell for me. The abuse was back again. Except this time it wasn't only me. It was my unborn child too. The names he called my baby are way beyond horrible to ever repeat! I was told I didn't deserve to be a mom; he hoped this "problem" would just hurry up and go away so we could forget it and go on with life. Since I was such an awful person, he would make sure one way or another that baby was never with me. He didn't care how or what he had to do, but I better make sure I didn't try to keep that 'thing' or he'd see to it that 'it' wasn't with me.
Oh man, now what? I could take him being mean to me, but to an innocent life that hadn't even been born yet? How in the world was I going to be a mom, with all that having been said? Did he mean it? Would he really hurt this child if I tried to raise him/her? Answers to those questions were something I wasn't willing to take a chance on finding out. I had to get this little one to a safe place where he could never hurt him after he was born.
That's when I started calling agencies, and finally met Paula and Kevin. From the moment I saw their profile I somehow knew it was meant to be them. We met when I was seven months along. I had Paula come to an ultrasound with me. She now has the pictures from that ultrasound. See, for me I knew there was no changing my mind. It just wasn't an option that was open to me. So I wanted the bond for them and this baby to begin even before birth. Both of them were in the hospital with me. Paula saw Tyler come into this world, heard his 1st cry and has been the only mom to hold him. Nurses asked me if I'd like to hold him when he was born. I said no, give him to his mom (Paula). I did hold him once when he was six months old. I knew I couldn't when he was born. There would have been no walking away if I had, and for his sake I had to walk away. After Tyler was safe, I got myself to a safe place and have since rebuilt a normal, functioning life where my ex can't hurt me anymore...