Several weeks ago i posted a thread asking for advice. i had some very insightful replies that really helped me but more than anything...reading what everyone else was posting really brought me to a better sense of clarity.
In my original post i left out a lot of details for simplicity sake. i would like to try to give more detail here so nothing is left out.
The blogs here and other posts here where people shared so much made all the difference for me and so i wanted to share my story too in the hope that many someone else might find something useful here ... at the very least it is a great place for me to get it all out
generic facts:
i am a 40 yo bicurious/bisexual submissive married to my Master in a monogamous relationship for 13 years.
When i first met my Husband/Master i was a single mom and had been on my own with my three (under 5) children for a few years. i had just finished a Masters' and was applying for a Doctoral level program (i am in the health field). Currently my Husband (actually a PhD in psychology) handles all of the business affairs associated with my career so i focus solely on providing much needed care to low income families. W/we work 5-6 days a week because there aren't enough providers doing what i do and i can't sleep at night knowing children are in pain. So many people say they would never work with their spouse but W/we both say that 24/7 still isn't enough time together. Yes W/we both have outside hobbies and outside lives but really the majority of what W/we do is either O/our business or O/our children. Two years ago, i would have told you i was the luckiest woman in the world and had a dream marriage...that my Husband and i were so blessed that after all these years W/we still couldn't get enough of E/each other. After 13 years i would still say even today that, for me, the NRE hasn't worn off and may never. i get butterflies when my Husband reaches for me...chills down my spine when He kisses me and i won't get into the rest of the details...but everytime He kisses me has all of the excitement of a first kiss...hell yes i'm lucky He does that to me!
i should tell you all a little about me before i met my Husband. i didn't have any idea of this thing called polyamory but i would definitely say i had major tendencies. i wasn't happy with my children's biological dad...something was missing. i loved him...but...i wasn't happy. i would have stayed married to him for the long haul but i came home early from a college class one day and found our one year old still strapped in her car seat (diaper rashes that wouldn't go away suddenly made sense) and him holding our six week old baby in the air shaking him screaming at him. i know everyone thinks surely i knew...no i didn't...i would have said that the kids' dad was the sweetest most gentle man if i hadn't seen that myself. After the divorce i decided my children were NOT going to go through a revolving door of men and were not going to get attached and then have to deal with divorce ten years down the road. i kept my dating and my children separate and i was clear with everyone that yes i wanted a relationship but i had major limits. No man would ever meet my children, not even in passing. My parents were extremely close and involved so i always got out once or twice a week and had several relationships with wonderful men (all knew i wasn't being exclusive). i did care about them as individuals and had separate unique relationships with them and it just didn't occur to me to compare...they were who and what they were and i enjoyed being with them...or i didn't. i wasn't looking for "the one" so i wasn't evaluating if anyone was "better" than anyone else...
and then i met Him...i can't even explain it...after O/our first date i cancelled every upcoming date...i can't even tell you exactly why...i would say He put a spell on me! He changed me...maybe i never knew real intimacy before i met Him...when He looked at me on that first date i felt like He saw everything about me...right into me...i just can't explain...everything in my world changed in an instant. It felt like He knew me better than i knew myself and let me tell you... FREAKY!
i would like to think that in the relationships i had prior to Him that i had let people know me and that i didn't walk around with a "mask" but maybe i did...i had no idea i was a submissive...hell i didn't know a thing about any of that...all i can say is there is something that happens to me physically and emotionally everytime i see Him...something i never felt with anyone else...its a mixture of butterflies and excitement and sometimes i blush...i won't say it was like that the entire 13 years...i did lose that for a few months here recently but i will get to that (and i'm soooooooo glad the butterflies are back!)
So...the first few months W/we were together and He taught me so much about BDSM...He never tried to label me or push me...just opened doors that i went FLYING through...i felt like i had found myself...sort of like i had gone my entire life with a huge part of me missing and not knowing anything was missing until suddenly there it was...and there i was...me...He always professed Himself to be a one-woman man...He had no interest in any actual physical relationships with others...but He did flirt/chat online to some other women...He always told me that if W/we ever married that would end...and when W/we said O/our vows He was true to His word...His conversations and demeanor changed...i felt like a princess...i was treated like a princess...life was good...sooooo good! When W/we got married W/we agreed to not have any more threesomes (i talked Him into experimenting once or twice with women He and i had both been talking to).
Fast forward five years into O/our marriage and W/we met someone online that i knew early on was going to be...an issue...she was such a perfect complement to all of the BDSM kink Master couldn't experience with me...i was shocked and devastated when He asked if i would consider a threesome (all of the others were my idea). She lived on the other side of the US so i guess i felt like it might be a few really hot nights and then she would leave and it would be out of His system. i knew then and still know now that there was far more to T/their online discussions than i had any idea about...my Husband has always been so honest and so open...i let Him have that...i know that so much has to do with Him feeling a sense of shame about His thoughts/desires...which makes me very sad for Him...He showed me a whole new world where i am so free to be me...really me...i want that for Him too! even if it hurts a little
so...she came and things happened and it was nothing like what He had hoped...i thought that was the end of it...they talked a few more times online and then i told Him i really just needed to close that chapter and move forward and so He said that He stopped talking to her.
Fast forward five years...He and i are at O/our office and He tells me He got this random email from her...hasn't talked to her in years...but now she lives about six hours away and really needs a job and a new start and to get away from the situation she is in...i didn't even hesitate...we needed someone to help Him with some filing stuff and they hadn't talked in years...i knew her situation and i wanted to help. You all know what i'm going to say next, but know this...i am a determined person and i have looked into all aspects of O/our life and with the exception of her...no He doens't lie to me about anything or keep anything from me...its just something about her and His inability to just be honest about what He is thinking/feeling...
So...something just isn't right...i check the phone records and find out He talked to her for over six hours BEFORE she sent that email (omg they planned this)...i confront Him...i may be a submissive but i can damn well handle business when it needs to be handled it doens't matter who the hell i have to handle...so...He comes clean...they have talked a few times over the years and He knew i wouldn't take that well but He really cares for her (at this time He swears He doesn't want anything sexual) and He wants to help her...ok...if you read back in the beginning my Husband and i work DAMN hard to provide services for low income children because no other providers in my area do...W/we are both compassionate people...my husband has that white knight issue and wants to rescue people...
well...ok...she's moved here...she is working here...what is done is done...suck it up get over it move on...but i just wouldn't let it go...so...(hanging head in shame) i put a tracker on His iphone. i am out of town sometimes for business reasons and i find out that He is always at her place during the days i am away from the office...wtf??? Around this time His birthday is coming up...i wanted to surprise Him so i booked a really nice suite at the local casino and also booked a room for my teenagers (like hell i'm leaving them home alone)...
That birthday was literally the WORST night of my entire life...He was angry...i was angry...i just refused to be played or lied to and come what may i was getting to the bottom of everything...at the end of that evening i remember being in a ball on the floor next to the bed in the dark with Him standing on the other side and something in me...broke...i felt it...deep inside me...and in desperation i gave in...i told Him if it was two women He wanted...if He wanted to keep me AND have her...then so be it...i was His and would always be His...i told Him i would learn to cope...i had never failed at anything and i wouldn't fail at this...the next day i found myself approaching her about her being His too...wow...just wow
In my original post i left out a lot of details for simplicity sake. i would like to try to give more detail here so nothing is left out.
The blogs here and other posts here where people shared so much made all the difference for me and so i wanted to share my story too in the hope that many someone else might find something useful here ... at the very least it is a great place for me to get it all out
generic facts:
i am a 40 yo bicurious/bisexual submissive married to my Master in a monogamous relationship for 13 years.
When i first met my Husband/Master i was a single mom and had been on my own with my three (under 5) children for a few years. i had just finished a Masters' and was applying for a Doctoral level program (i am in the health field). Currently my Husband (actually a PhD in psychology) handles all of the business affairs associated with my career so i focus solely on providing much needed care to low income families. W/we work 5-6 days a week because there aren't enough providers doing what i do and i can't sleep at night knowing children are in pain. So many people say they would never work with their spouse but W/we both say that 24/7 still isn't enough time together. Yes W/we both have outside hobbies and outside lives but really the majority of what W/we do is either O/our business or O/our children. Two years ago, i would have told you i was the luckiest woman in the world and had a dream marriage...that my Husband and i were so blessed that after all these years W/we still couldn't get enough of E/each other. After 13 years i would still say even today that, for me, the NRE hasn't worn off and may never. i get butterflies when my Husband reaches for me...chills down my spine when He kisses me and i won't get into the rest of the details...but everytime He kisses me has all of the excitement of a first kiss...hell yes i'm lucky He does that to me!
i should tell you all a little about me before i met my Husband. i didn't have any idea of this thing called polyamory but i would definitely say i had major tendencies. i wasn't happy with my children's biological dad...something was missing. i loved him...but...i wasn't happy. i would have stayed married to him for the long haul but i came home early from a college class one day and found our one year old still strapped in her car seat (diaper rashes that wouldn't go away suddenly made sense) and him holding our six week old baby in the air shaking him screaming at him. i know everyone thinks surely i knew...no i didn't...i would have said that the kids' dad was the sweetest most gentle man if i hadn't seen that myself. After the divorce i decided my children were NOT going to go through a revolving door of men and were not going to get attached and then have to deal with divorce ten years down the road. i kept my dating and my children separate and i was clear with everyone that yes i wanted a relationship but i had major limits. No man would ever meet my children, not even in passing. My parents were extremely close and involved so i always got out once or twice a week and had several relationships with wonderful men (all knew i wasn't being exclusive). i did care about them as individuals and had separate unique relationships with them and it just didn't occur to me to compare...they were who and what they were and i enjoyed being with them...or i didn't. i wasn't looking for "the one" so i wasn't evaluating if anyone was "better" than anyone else...
and then i met Him...i can't even explain it...after O/our first date i cancelled every upcoming date...i can't even tell you exactly why...i would say He put a spell on me! He changed me...maybe i never knew real intimacy before i met Him...when He looked at me on that first date i felt like He saw everything about me...right into me...i just can't explain...everything in my world changed in an instant. It felt like He knew me better than i knew myself and let me tell you... FREAKY!
i would like to think that in the relationships i had prior to Him that i had let people know me and that i didn't walk around with a "mask" but maybe i did...i had no idea i was a submissive...hell i didn't know a thing about any of that...all i can say is there is something that happens to me physically and emotionally everytime i see Him...something i never felt with anyone else...its a mixture of butterflies and excitement and sometimes i blush...i won't say it was like that the entire 13 years...i did lose that for a few months here recently but i will get to that (and i'm soooooooo glad the butterflies are back!)
So...the first few months W/we were together and He taught me so much about BDSM...He never tried to label me or push me...just opened doors that i went FLYING through...i felt like i had found myself...sort of like i had gone my entire life with a huge part of me missing and not knowing anything was missing until suddenly there it was...and there i was...me...He always professed Himself to be a one-woman man...He had no interest in any actual physical relationships with others...but He did flirt/chat online to some other women...He always told me that if W/we ever married that would end...and when W/we said O/our vows He was true to His word...His conversations and demeanor changed...i felt like a princess...i was treated like a princess...life was good...sooooo good! When W/we got married W/we agreed to not have any more threesomes (i talked Him into experimenting once or twice with women He and i had both been talking to).
Fast forward five years into O/our marriage and W/we met someone online that i knew early on was going to be...an issue...she was such a perfect complement to all of the BDSM kink Master couldn't experience with me...i was shocked and devastated when He asked if i would consider a threesome (all of the others were my idea). She lived on the other side of the US so i guess i felt like it might be a few really hot nights and then she would leave and it would be out of His system. i knew then and still know now that there was far more to T/their online discussions than i had any idea about...my Husband has always been so honest and so open...i let Him have that...i know that so much has to do with Him feeling a sense of shame about His thoughts/desires...which makes me very sad for Him...He showed me a whole new world where i am so free to be me...really me...i want that for Him too! even if it hurts a little
so...she came and things happened and it was nothing like what He had hoped...i thought that was the end of it...they talked a few more times online and then i told Him i really just needed to close that chapter and move forward and so He said that He stopped talking to her.
Fast forward five years...He and i are at O/our office and He tells me He got this random email from her...hasn't talked to her in years...but now she lives about six hours away and really needs a job and a new start and to get away from the situation she is in...i didn't even hesitate...we needed someone to help Him with some filing stuff and they hadn't talked in years...i knew her situation and i wanted to help. You all know what i'm going to say next, but know this...i am a determined person and i have looked into all aspects of O/our life and with the exception of her...no He doens't lie to me about anything or keep anything from me...its just something about her and His inability to just be honest about what He is thinking/feeling...
So...something just isn't right...i check the phone records and find out He talked to her for over six hours BEFORE she sent that email (omg they planned this)...i confront Him...i may be a submissive but i can damn well handle business when it needs to be handled it doens't matter who the hell i have to handle...so...He comes clean...they have talked a few times over the years and He knew i wouldn't take that well but He really cares for her (at this time He swears He doesn't want anything sexual) and He wants to help her...ok...if you read back in the beginning my Husband and i work DAMN hard to provide services for low income children because no other providers in my area do...W/we are both compassionate people...my husband has that white knight issue and wants to rescue people...
well...ok...she's moved here...she is working here...what is done is done...suck it up get over it move on...but i just wouldn't let it go...so...(hanging head in shame) i put a tracker on His iphone. i am out of town sometimes for business reasons and i find out that He is always at her place during the days i am away from the office...wtf??? Around this time His birthday is coming up...i wanted to surprise Him so i booked a really nice suite at the local casino and also booked a room for my teenagers (like hell i'm leaving them home alone)...
That birthday was literally the WORST night of my entire life...He was angry...i was angry...i just refused to be played or lied to and come what may i was getting to the bottom of everything...at the end of that evening i remember being in a ball on the floor next to the bed in the dark with Him standing on the other side and something in me...broke...i felt it...deep inside me...and in desperation i gave in...i told Him if it was two women He wanted...if He wanted to keep me AND have her...then so be it...i was His and would always be His...i told Him i would learn to cope...i had never failed at anything and i wouldn't fail at this...the next day i found myself approaching her about her being His too...wow...just wow