A Tiny Riot's Musings

Janye

New member
I've been meaning to post here for weeks now, which is about par for the course with me. So there's that. Anyway, I am in A Time of Great Transition right now. I began exploring poly with my current partner, The Man, for about 5 (almost 6!) months now, and it's fucking blowing my mind, guys. Our relationship started off as purely sexual--I was interested in BDSM and he was willing to teach. Our first face to face meeting was with all three of us, The Man, Lady (his wife), and myself. At the time I thought that there were an absolutely adorable, super smart, and pretty attractive couple, and although I was only interested in The Man it was really nice to meet Lady. So The Man and I decided to pursue a power-dynamic relationship and promptly fell in love. Oh my God, it happened so quickly guys--caught us all completely off guard. And now they've moved across the country to the complete opposite coast, and I've entered a period of intense prep for my next step in higher ed. and we've entered a new period of just being--being together, being supportive, being present and it's pretty sweet.

So I'll come back later and add in some filler--I want for this to exist as filler and memories for my relationship with The Man, and my possible & growing relationship with Lady. Their names may change at some point, I'll skip around to different salient events, which means that I'll make no promises to sequential ordering. I would, however, love feedback and dialogue when appropriate. Right now, I'd just like to document what's happening in my life within the boundaries of a supportive/comfortable community...so we'll see how it goes.

By the way, they call my Tiny Riot, and you can too! Or you can call me Janye...I didn't really think this all the way through when choosing a screen name, did I?
 
Falling for The Moon

Lady tells this story of how she found her way into poly and it goes like this: Once upon a time she fell in love with the moon. Which is to say, that she once fell head over heels, completely and totally in love with a woman so magnificent that she mistook her for a celestial body. This woman was in a relationship with someone else at the time, but she was willing to make a generous amount of space for Lady.

So. Here was this absolutely ah-mazing person that Lady wanted, but who was already partnered and came as a packaged deal.

The Decision: Lady could accept the package and get the thing that she wanted, or she could not accept it and go on with a life without the moon. She did, of course, accept the gift of the moon and the package that it came with—and, apparently, it just kept happening that way her.

I absolutely adore this story because it’s so similar of how I got started with poly. I’ve fallen, face first, for my moon who comes as a packaged deal with a pretty sweet Lady moon. So of course I didn’t think twice when I was told that I could have what I wanted if I could learn to share. That one is a no-brainer :D.

The Man and I met online. I was searching for play partner and mentor, and he was searching for someone to care for and mold. We were both looking for a part-time liaison, nothing serious. It just so happened that a conveniently-timed message and follow up led us to discover that we have many of the same interests. We chatted for a while and, like ya do, eventually decided to meet up.

We were both so nervous that first night lol--it was actually kind of adorable. We had a lovely dinner and did the complete cliche, movie-thing where we stared into each others eyes and felt the stars line up and I was NREing so frickin' hard the first time that I met the guy--jeez.

I remember it so clearly--I was excited and buzzing that night. The Man is absolutely gorgeous and so so smart, and we’d begun increasing the intimacy and depth of our conversations in past weeks and I was so excited and nervous to finally have that face to face interaction with him. I was really looking forward to discovering what type of chemistry that we had together, if any. A lot of things happened that night, but let's just say that we came out of that date fairly certain that our chemistry was real. And just like that--I was sold.

So…here we are. Months later and 2,000 miles apart and, by some strange twist of fate, I’m strangly happy about the place we're in now.
 
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Today The Man and I got to skype. With all of the upheaval of their recent move and the changes in time zones and such, this is the beginning of us finding our rhythm again. We text every day, and he always makes himself available if something needs immediate attention (rare, but it happens--and the same is true in reverse), but it's so nice to have a steady communication schedule again. So comforting to be able to see his face and reactions. During the month or so that they took to make the trip to the other coast, I could often hear the smile in his voice over the phone but it's a completely different experience to see his smile and the way that he gestures when he talks...so it's nice :)

They're moving into their new home next week and Lady is so excited. Haha it's really sweet to watch. Our skypes will be interrupted by the move, but--what can you really do about that one? Life happens and Lady is so ready to nest that I think it'll be safer to just let it happen. I feel much more secure and willing to forgive now that I know when I will and won't see them (a MAJOR problem while they were traveling). Besides I'm studying now for the LSAT and have plans to move myself, so I really could use the extra time to get in some studying or missed housework. It all balances out, I suppose.

Come September, when I switch into full-blown-crazy-person mode for the test, he'll be the one biding time until I can come out to play again hehe. So we find the pleasure that we can and try to be kind to each other in the meantime. If that means that I miss two of the three skypes that we have each week because of moving, and nesting and such, it'll be fine. Lady is also very accommodating (and I assume that she'll be nesting pretty hard core for the next week or so) so we should be able to squirrel away for an hour or three;)
 
Today is The Man's birthday! I tried, boy did I try, so very, very hard to get his gift to him by today. It seems that the universe juwt isn't feeling it, though--it wont be there until Wednesday (goddamn FedEx!). It was a little sad that I didn't get to spend the day with them, and share snuggles and love with The Man and Lady but *sigh* this is the way that it's going to be for a looong time. I'm just hoping that it'll be worth it. So I called early today (his breakfast, my lunch) and we shared time and connection and it was absolutely beautiful. I love, love, love being able to hear his voice--The Man is extremely expressive--but he's also just so comfortable with himself and sure in his emotions that he radiates energy and affection. Even when he's switched into Mentor Mode and is lecturing, it always carries a ver definite undercurrent of stern affection (except that one time that we don't dwell on--those were Dark Days in the kingdom and we prefer to focus on the light). Anyway, we talked, and Lady was floating around in the background adding commentary where needed until she wasn't anymore and im not entirely sure when that happene.

I have to come here and add in more about my weekend--so many new experiences! I've thought about how much kinky talk should/shouldn't be shared in this blog. And then I remembered that it's my blog. Our poly and our kink are twined together in ways that I am, literally, still discovering. So this should be interesting.
 
So This Sucks

Lately I've been having...struggles in my monogamy. Which is to simply say that I miss the intimacy of our relationship really, really badly. I don't necessarily want to sleep with anyone--it's not really about sex (although sex wouldn't be a bad thing). Right now I am just extremely frustrated with not being able to touch The Man. I want physical reassurance and love and feels and it sucks not being able to have it. So I want to compensate for the lack of physical presence with phone calls and Skype--one of the main reasons that those contacts have left me feeling so high--but I can feel the resentment starting to set in. Last night The Man mentioned, breifly and in passing, that he and Lady had sex (I asked what he did for his birthday, and that was one of the things). I won't let that feeling of resentment settle in (or I'll put up one hell of a fight) but hearing about them having sex has never really bothered me before, in fact, I'd be kind of interested in their sex life. It's not something that we discuss--I haven't ask and they haven't told and I get the feeling that it's because that sharing information of that nature crosses someone's boundary--I know that it would cross mine for him to share that with her if he didn't explicitly ask me and I've never indicated interest in knowing those details of their sex life, thus, I we haven't shared. But now, my patience with the topic is extremely low. I know that they're sleeping together--they both have high sex drives and they're married, I'd be really fucking surprised (and concerned) if they weren't but right now I'm having a really hard time with the concept that The Man is sharing intimacy with someone else while I feel so alone and isolated here. I want to be the one (not even the only one!) that gets that type of connection and energy from him. I want to be able to hold my partner and I want for him to be able to touch me.

This distance thing is the fucking worst, guys. Realistically, there's very little that can be done about that issue. Which just...sucks. If this were moreso about the sex--well, that would be an easy fix, and I could just go find a hookup. Finding another person that I like enough to let into my personal space to share the type of intimacy that The Man (and sometimes Lady) share is another thing entirely, at least for me. I don't enjoy dating. The Man came along and was a very strange deviation from my norm, which was hookups and one-night stands--I really hate dating. And I was so happy with those flings! But now he's come along and ruined it, and then moved away. *Le Sigh* What's a girl to do? I just want cuddles and hugs from the Man that I love, does anyone want to share how they share and create intimacy while their partner is away? I know that it happens...I'm just having trouble seeing how right now.
 
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One thing I use to do with a LD-ex of mine was to make the Skype dates more exciting. We never did anything sexual, but the special little things we did do made him feel closer. Sometimes we would have a dinner date: he would have whatever they had cooked up at his schol hall and I'd have the latest from the dining hall (the glories of college life). He was also a musician, so some nights he would play music for me. We both loved books, so I would read to him on other nights. Pretty much the activities were like virtual versions of things we use to do in person all the time.
 
So much excitement and a little disconnect

Thank you @AlsoMary! For some reason I wasn't expecting responses. However, it's always nice (and appreciated) to get a little more perspective. Thanks again.

Today was a good day. I got the approval for my new (and my first) apartment! It's so frickin' adorable guys--I can't even stand it. It's in the "historic district". Read: It's in a really old building. And it's a really small space which is kind of perfect since it'll just be little old me, and I don't really care too much for entertaining big groups of people--it's also about $100-$200 less than I was looking to pay for rent every month so that's pretty baller. And it's within walking distance to the co-op and the farmer's market! Not quite in downtown though, but for what I'm paying for rent I can only be so choosy lol. Likewise, The Man and Lady are right in the throes of their move. They've been buying furniture and things like crazy people. He took me on a (virtual) tour of the new place last night (as they just officially moved into it). It definetly looks more cookie-cutter than I would have pegged them for (based on their previous dwelling but they've only been there for two days lol so I guess that I can give it time).

You may or may not remember that The Man's birthday was on Monday. His gift didn't arrive until Wednesday (stupid FedEx) and he waited until last night over skype to open it. I felt somewhat uncomfortable watching him open it. It was really cute and cheesy and he really enjoyed it (so Mission Accomplished). The thing to note here is that I'm really uncomfortable with having my emotions on display so readily. The Man and Lady are slightly more practiced at this, and I really think that it's much more within their comfort zone to be more openly affectionate. I don't know--I was able to let go of the discomfort after a few minutes and relax (or dance....let's be honest, I danced) my way into it.

The Man and I haven't been able to connect/spend time together in a way that I would like, this week. It kind of sucks, although I do realize that both of us are busy--he just moved to another coast and is doing that whole thing of uprooting and starting over, and I'm venturing out on my own for the first time and have picked up extra responsibilities both at work as well as in my personal life.

In exactly three weeks, I'll be going to visit :). I'm so incredibly excited. I can't wait to be back in his arms again. I've been feeling a little disconnected lately, and I don't know why. It could be that we're both busy and grabbing time where we can--life came in and interrupted our two of our three established communication/connection times this week, and Lady regularly appears during these sessions. Not that I mind or can blame him/them for having unexpected guests, getting caught in traffic, or having his wife around while we skype (she does live there after all and I make it a point to acknowledge her presence in his life--I also just like her. She's a cool lady). It would just be really nice to have time that is specifically for Us one day.

I should ask him on a date. I think that I'll do that. Dinner or a movie over skype. Oh hey! Look at me--finding solutions and shit!
 
The Man and I planned out what we're going to do when I visit in few weeks last night. We had all of these lofty plans to go see All of The Things--and then he mentioned that there's an aquarium (I'm such a sucker for aquariums lol I love theeeem!)....so now we're doing that. It'll be amongst other things, of course, however none of those things are as cool as the aquarium (says the Tiny Riot) and thus that's all that you'll get for now :D

So. I want to ask Lady on a date. A Lady Date, if you will. It's been an idea that's been kicked around since the beginning, but they've never really done anything with it--just presented the idea and then placed it down slowly, palms raised whilst backing away so that I could sit and observe it without an audience. Very well played of them. I was extremely shy of the concept in the beginning. It made me distinctly uncomfortable and shy in a way that is completely alien to this extrovert. So that was a very interesting reaction for me to have as I don't really do "shy", however, The Man seems to be an expert in bringing that out in me (so why don't we just blame it all on him, eh? Taking responsibility and owning my emotions, you say? *shakes head* absolutely not :p) Anyway. I'm more bicurious right now. I don't have the experience to make a call on that either way, so Lady has said that she's fine with experimenting and it took me until about right now to believe and trust her on it. So that's....an interesting thought progression. I did not come here to write any of that lol.

So much of my relationship with The Man has been taking my sexuality out of its box and really, really looking at it. Questioning why certain things are the way that they are, and feel the way that they feel. Sometimes I think that I've found a type of mythical safe-zone with Man and Lady where I can throw these figurative darts at a figurative wall and see what sticks. On the same note, I realize that life isn't a Glorious Fest of Glitter and Coffee (most of the time) and there are moments when I'm livid at The Man or a little pissed off at Lady. You guys usually don't hear about the little ones because by the time I sit down to write I've already exercised those demons out of my system. Meh. One day--I'm sure that the shit will hit the fan, but until then I'm going to keep playing and dancing in the Land of Glitter and Coffee (and stilettos) until I just can't anymore!

Huzzah!
 
Last night I called The Man, in a semi-serious state of distress. You see, lately, I've been feeling a bit disconnected from The Man. I don't really know why, I just miss a lot and at times I struggle with the thought that I'm alone while he gets to seek comfort from Lady. It's never a happy thought progression for me so I've learned to gently push those thoughts away when I can, but still--it fucking sucks to feel lonely and it grates (a lot) to be pining after someone (I don't 'pine' that's a new phenomena that his presence has introduced into my life). So I've been feeling lonely and disconnected and a little resentful (sporadic, but still kind of troubling). These are really fleeting emotions when they happen, and because I tend to not like to feel my emotions when I can help it, I like to ignore these things until I feel comfortable enough to observe them in their own time. Anyway. I called The Man, because the jealousy thing was new. And it tends to send off warning bells in my head--I like Lady. One of the last things that I want to do is to be nurturing silent resentment/anger/bitterness (or whatever) that's directed towards her. There are a couple of reasons for that, but the main one is that she's been on my team since Day One with The Man. We're so fortunate to have each other and to all get along so well and naturally. Jealousy doesn't belong in that equation.

So! To set the scene: Sunday is the day that all three of us skype (and then The Man and I get in two other sessions for the two of us). I don't remember what was happening that triggered this (I'm almost certain that it was some type of inneduno courtesy of The Man, but at one point during our conversation I felt a very prominent spike of jealousy. I completely just stamped it down at the time--I don't like to deal with my emotions in front of people, at least not initially. The Man respects that, and I like that about him.

Anyway, we were talking and it hit me--that disconnect and minor pangs of loneliness was stemming from some residual jealousy at Lady and The Man being intimate and such while I'm not. So we talked it out. Even though I was sure what I was feeling/asking, we talked through it and figured some stuff out. The truth is that I'm falling head over heels for the guy and am still struggling to negotiate that, and while we do figure it all out I need more reassurance than what I was getting. So, I learned how to ask. I learned that even though I want to throw myself full force into Us and to experience everything with him--we have other priorities right now. There are important things that have to come first (as per our negotiations, as well as our mutual respect for our individual goals/lives). I needed to be reminded of that. I don't know how, but the recent cutbacks in communication due to his move, and my move, and my career, and his travels have done a number on me. So we figured out ways for me to recenter in our love and respect for each other and her gave me copious amounts of good vibes and love and it was awesome.
 
I'm on my way to spend a week with The Man and Lady :). I have no clue what I was thinking when I booked my original flight. It didn't get me to Seattle until 9:30 pm Pacific time, which is absolutely laughable. No way I'm spending an entire day in an airport when I could be back in his arms. That's just silly. So I flew standby and will be there 4 hours earlier! The Man and I are practically vibrating with excitment. Lady made a joke a few days ago about how sickeningly sweet we get with each other, and she's right--equally parts adorable and obnoxious, I think although I'm quite biased on the whole thing. Lol at any rate were so close! Only 2 time zones seperate us now :) (this county is fucking gigantic btw).
 
How quickly things change

I've been in something a funk for the last day or so. Lady is acting strange, but I can't quite put my finger on it. She's decidedly less welcoming and subtlety more passive aggressive and moody. In her defense, she's been PMSing pretty bad since about 4 days before I got here, but still it's all very strange. I can't tell if I'm reading too much into nothing or if this is just the that way that she gets in herflow. At any rate, the mood swings/shifts in tone and underhanded comments are swift. The Man hasn't said anything about it, which makes me think that I'm embellishing (however he's not always as on it about these types of things).

Sigh. I'm going to have to ask. It's going to be awkward. God, I don't want to. I have 5 days with The Man and I truly don't mind sharing with Lady (not all of it but she clearly lives here and invited me into her house--which is a big deal). Why won't life just let me have a few drama free days with my partner. Is been 3 months since the last time that we were together, I don't wanna spend time doing this. It's going to be long and drawn out and these things really just making me tried. It's exhausting having to feel and talk all the time and I don't enjoy it. The worst part, or more accurately, the past that's got me hung up is that I don't really feel safe to share these emotions with Lady right now. I tend not to let people see me vulnerable--it makes me really, really, really uncomfortable. I just don't do it with any emotion that requires more subtlety than pure anger. Previously, I felt safe enough with Lady to share those things..... not so much anymore. Which sucks. God it sucks. So I've been wanting to approach The Man about it first but just haven't worked ip the courage bc as soon as he knows that im struggling he's going to go full tilt into facilitating dialog. But whether I like it or not, it's time. It was eating at me last night and then almost burned me alive the further that the night went along. She made a few ultimatums that were tame and pretty reasonable in the larger scope of things and I didn't really have strong feelings on the matter. Fairly apathetic is really how i felt about them, apatheitc and fairly unappreciative of how they were delivered. I just really don't like the power play that she's engaging in by doing it. Do that shit when im not around, negotiate you'r terms and then handle it with The Man if you're going to be so goddamn sassy about it. Ugh. I don't know. I just need to vent. I don't typically do well with people telling me what to do. I'm very A-type and very bossy and I frequently prefer giving orders to taking them. Almost always, so this is a tough one to swallow. I conceded control to The Man with our play dynamic, Lady ended up getting way more power and say than I really prefer from our poly arrangement....I can't work all these parts out. I need to talk it out with an impartial party first. I get that she's the primary and as such gets more say than I like, whatever, but this feels different... like there's something else that I can't name at play here. So I said it once and ill say it again. This fucking sucks.
 
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Wow. It's been exactly one week since that last post. So full of angst, that post. I've been trying (really, I have) to get back on here to update this--to really sit down and spend some time with the events of the past week, because a lot has happened. A whole lot. And I kind feel like I'm drifting off at sea right now. You see, I'm a an extrovert in the truest sense of the word in that a lot of my processing is done externally. I need to talk it out. I need to see what thing feel good, and what feels uncomfortable. I need to look at how I'm phrasing things. Interestingly enough, I've also found that checking in with myself to see what type of response I'm wanting from the person(s) that I'm processing/venting/talking to is really helpful in judging my own opinion and where my feelings are falling. One of the really big continual struggles of this relationship is that I don't have anyone to talk to. No one in my friend circle has experience with Poly or Kink, and they certainly have no working foundation of how the two can coexist and mingle. So I find myself trying to decompress with my vanilla who have an intellectual understanding of kink, or with my monogamous friends who only know what poly is because I introduced them to the idea. It's tough for one of them to wade into the deep end and help me to break these thoughts down.

Sigh.

I guess that that was one of the primary reasons that I came to this board--so that I could find & develop that community. I suppose that I could do a better job of being more active....but that's another job for another day because I have to get this off of my chest:

A few hours after I posted that last blog, we all got to a place where we were willing and able to talk through the tough feelings of the last few days. I was so confused, and hurt, about how Lady was acting and I'm just realizing how deep that cut. I was able to get reassurance and explanations for the things that I needed. I'm picturing that moment now--we'd gone on a hike (a baby hike--The Man and Lady love that type of stuff but it's not really my deal, plus I only had flip flops with me...whoops) and while we were standing in the middle of this forest, lush with vegetation and fresh air and life, we have this really sweet heart to heart. My memories go all fuzzy around the edges with warmth and affection and I get these glimpses of the beauty of their love and the love that they've chosen to share with me. So....that's nice. Anyway, in the forest after we'd cleaned up some of the messiness and soothed over the hurt feelings I made two requests from The Man: (1) That we go full-time D/s, and (2) that we open up our dynamic to include Lady.

Guys. When I tell you the shift was immediate--you don't even know. It all happened so fast. I know that The Man (and now I can clearly see that Lady was waiting as well) for me to initiate that conversation. The reason for that is long and will be expounded upon later, but for now just know that we went for the gold. Sex with The Man is always amazing, but I simply wasn't prepared for how awesome sex with The Man and Lady could be. I had no idea of satisfying it would feel to exist in a power dynamic that felt so comfortable and comforting. It felt like everything and everyone had place and space. This idea of place within the relationship between The Man and I, as well as place with the three of them, and with the two of them has been an ongoing issue for me. I'm pretty new to this poly thing, so figuring our placement and space within the context of the existing relationship was never something that I was prepared for--but this felt like the most open and honest opportunity that I'd gotten with it.

Okay so...full disclosure: It's 3am here and I'm fading so, so fast. I'm going to come back to finish this and to provide some history to give more context, as well as a look into what I'd learned this past week to help to facilitate the process of decompressing.
 
It's September, Friends.

*Cue Dramatic Music*

That means that there are officially 25 more days until the LSAT. Which means that I woke up at 6:30am this morning to take a full practice test before I went into work. This will be my day to day reality for the next 25 days. Crazy? Possibly. But I will crest 168 on that goddamn test if it fucking kills me. A 168 is 95 percentile folks. Right now I'm 8 points below that--at the 80th percentile. 8 points. The difference between UC Berkeley (#16) and Campbell Law--ever heard of Campbell Law? E-fucking-xactly. I want UC Berkeley. I want it so fucking bad. So it's nose in the books until then.

NO SLEEP TILL BROOKLYN!!!

*ahem*

Having said that, it's been an awesome two weeks. A week ago I was with The Man and Lady on a week long visit that ended significantly better than it began, and three days later my Swans (aka my best friends) came to visit for the weekend! It was awesome. We went out and bought big sunhats, gloves, and outrageous sunglasses and had an Unbirthday Party (you do remember your Alice in Wonderland, don't you?) for Sunday Bunch, after going out the night before. I'm not drinking (LSAT, remember? No part of my life has been left untouched--I swear to you) so I had a lovely brunch. Lol a few of the Swans struggled...although they looked fabulous doing it--so there's that lol. It was so nice seeing them again. Love those biddies. Really I do.

Anyway, The Man has finally gotten some work (joy!) and is really excited about it--having a steady income will do that for a person ;). I also just feel really good about our relationship right now. We basically turned a metaphorical corner while I was there two weeks ago, and there's a deeper level of engagement and sharing that's going on. So we're past due to renegotiate some of the terms of our agreement--some include Lady, some do not. In the process of me working through what it is that I want and need, I've begun to see, with a startling amount of clarity, that I just don't know. Ain't that just the best? So then I began to do some research and found myself figuring out (very quickly) what I absolutely did not want. I see myself with them for a while, especially after the events of the last week, and so it's suddenly become extremely important for us to open up a deeper level of communication, and to be really honest with each other before I invest myself further.

The Man has given me instructions to begin thinking through what I'd want our dynamic to look like moving forward. Homework, basically lol. I was bopping around on the internet, like ya do, and I ran across an article (http://unicorns-r-us.com/) on Unicorn Hunting. Such an interesting concept, that. Anyway, this article was written as a response to couples that post on poly forums (found it on FL) asking how to find a bisexual woman who would want to date them.

[I just want to take a moment to say, as someone who is new to poly, the idea of dating a couple is such a strange concept to me. I mean I guess if it was presented that way?...I can honestly say that if The Man would have come to me with, "My wife and I are looking for another lady to date", I would I have kindly told him to move along. Seems like a lot, honestly, to just want someone to walk in and be right in the middle of an established, pre-existing relationship like that. Just like a lot of things to juggle at once. I see you trading secret glances and shit--YOU DONT FOOL ME! It makes me itchy and anxious. <--that's not a joke. Do I have to date you together? Why don't we date separately, and then work on this group dynamic, because somebody's feelings are going to get hurt if I like one of you more than the other...which will happen. It's been six months and Lady and I are just casually talking about opening up a play dynamic forget about a real, romatic thing....maybe it's just me. I don't know and it's not entirely relevant to the discussion.]

Anyway, the article mentions couples with Veto Privilege and I immediately broke out in hives. That's not true, but it did cause an acute stress reaction. Mostly in response to some callously worded statements on Lady's part over the weekend, and it really did create a serious ball of tension that The Man and I then spent the next 3 hours working on. I got to see a lot of the messy pieces that are usually dealt with before I get there. I think that The Man sees his place as my Dom and the limited amount of time that we have together and doesn't want to expend energy on dredging up heavy topics or appearing vulnerable. But I don't mind at all. It makes me feel included in a way that I haven't felt before, and it speaks to the development of trust and intimacy. I like it a lot.

I learned a lot during that phone call like, (1) Previously, they've only ever dated as a couple--still strange. Apparently, I'm the first one that either of them have ever dated individually since they became a couple, (2) I'm also the only one that one of them has ever fallen in love with since they've been together, and to that end, (3) Lady has never had to deal with another woman sharing The Man's emotional bandwidth (and dear God does he have a lot of love to go around--It's awesome...but man, it makes me exhausted sometimes just thinking about the work that he does to keep us both happy lol). Which is interesting, right? So up until now, they've had play partners and lovers and girlfriends, but not a romantic entanglement that has excluded one of them. And of course, all of this happens during a time when they thought that they'd get to be having hyper-focused time with each other because she was in-between semesters of school, and they were saying goodbye to all of their friends and family before they moved.

Crazy, spaz moment aside--The Lady is an absolute saint. Way to roll with those fucking punches. So from that conversation I realized that I really should tell Lady how great I think she is. Really though. I kind of just marvel at her. And I understand (at least to the degree that I can from my limited perspective) how, given those things, it could be really, really tough to keep your shit together all of the time. That's just not a thing that humans do lol.


And that's all for now, kids.
 
That's my story and I fucking sticking to it. He can go fuck himself. This is pure, unbridled anger. An emotion that I really hadn't attached to him until now. It feels good. Anger feels manageable, and controllable. Nevermind the fact that it may not actually be--please keep your logic to yourselves for now.

We had a skype scheduled for Saturday, where we were going to execute the solution that we'd come up with for an argument that took place earlier in the week, and I forgot about it. My fuckin bad. In my defense, it was midnight and I was practically asleep when we made those plans, and since he said that he wasn't going to change the directive that started the fight anyway I'd essentially resolved to sit on my hands until I heard back from him about it. So in my mind, the argument was over. Anyway, I went to lunch with an old friend--an ex-boyfriend who I hadn't seen in about a year. He was my first everything, first love, first time, we practially grew up together although we didn't become friends until high school, when we started dating.

So I went to lunch with A on Saturday. He had to push it an hour back and because I'd forgotten about the skype I didn't think anything of it. So when The Man (that dick) texted at 2:30 to make sure we were still good, I told him that I'd be late and asked if I could push it back to 4. He essentially told me that he and Lady had plans at 4:15 so I had to choose between lunch with A or skype with him. We'd already gotten our food--you're basically committed once the burgers show up--so I told him that I'd have to reschedule, or that I could call him between 3:35-3:30 instead. In response he sent me a terse message saying that he'd see me tomorrow (he, Lady, and I all skype together on Sunday). Because of the way that it was worded I could tell that he was angry. And he informed me and then it was radio silence for the rest of the day. It all seems so petty and really not a big deal. Sigh.

I'll interrupt my own story here to say that it is extremely rare that The Man and I go 9 hours without some type of contact unless it was discussed beforehand, "Hey, we're going into Yellowstone--no service for the next two days!" or "Hey I'm at work and unable to answer for the next few hours, I'll reach out when I'm finished." Both perfectly acceptable. The nature of our power dynamic requires regular contact in the morning and at night. That dynamic has morphed into a protocol that requires notice if we'll be out of touch for a while.

Because The Man knows that I've ritualized our interactions, and that I hate to be ignored, he did that with the specific intent to punish me. A few things here (1) I'm your sub, not your child. You don't get to fucking punish me because you're having a bad day. And also that type of punishment is not on the approved list! He knows that he's manipulative and vindictive when he gets mad, and for some crazy goddamn reason everyone has just let him get away with it! He's almost 50 and no one has corrected this behavior....the fuck? Like, goddamnit, USE YOUR WORDS, MAN! That's petty, manipulative bullshit and I'm not going to play this fucking game again--even if it needs to be written into the contract. I absolutely refuse to play these mind games with him. It can't be healthy.

I'm discovering that the dynamic here is not a small thing. I crave his approval and direction. We've structured significant parts of my daily rituals around his directions, and have been playing with expanding those limits (hence the argument earlier in the week). So. Knowing that I'm a long-distance sub. And that while we text back and forth, I don't get significant amounts of his time.And knowing that I hate to be ignored/have very limited options of combating that particular form of punishment. He goes right for the juggler.

I hate being ignored--by anyone. It annoys the shit out of me. And it grates something awful when he does it.

On another note--I left him a email about my feelings on the matter last night. That ass. Responded that he was upset, in part, because it felt like I was "putting another guy over me in your life--one who is on hand and able to be right there with you when I can't be..."

Ok. I'm going to rant about that for a while now.

WHO THE? WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK MAN! You're married! You put another women over me every. single. day. I'm not always super alright with it, but it is what it fucking is and I've largely accepted it. They ran off for A MONTH. Contact maybe a few times a week. I was a newly collared sub, we'd just admitted that we love each other, and he left me for a month to go on this long romantic road trip with another woman. now...after all of that where I had to figure out how to cope by myself when I get carried away with him being able to cozy up to someone else at night, while I am alone. You have NO FUCKING RIGHT to tell me that I'm putting someone over you. You ASS. There's no one over him right now in my life--ITS IN THE FUCKING CONTRACT! sonofabitch!

That a load of bullshit and him not owning his own jealousy, and lashing out at me instead. Fuck you.

It was lunch. One lunch. It wasn't even a date, I was catching up with an old friend. I have no intention to date him, I broke up with him twice for christsake!

So this is a reaction to you being jealous? Newsflash: That's your shit to handle. I don't have to change my behavior just because you have a hard time with me having friends that are guys. That shit for you to work on. I don't get punished because you don't want to pony up and handle your own issues. That's rude and mean and it's being a shitty partner.

And that's what I'm going to tell him--as soon as he picks up the goddamn phone. That jerk!
 
This week, these past seven days, have been hell.

The Man and I are no longer together. Contract terminated. Submission withdrawn.

We got into a verbal disagreement that got way out of hand. I'll admit that I was rude and petty, and I'll even shoulder some of the blame--I had no clue why he was so invested in the initial cause of the argument (he didn't tell me, but I also never asked) so I came off as uncaring, which given the importance he attached to it is understandable. I was catty and wouldn't stop arguing just because he told me to--which is a huge part of the disagreement.

But dear god--the name calling and blaming and manipulation, the minimizing and blatant disrespect. So fucking disrespectful. Even after I told him that I was finding that type of language to be disrespectful and I'm discovering that it's a hard limit for me--he still kept at it. Just like he didn't even hear me.

I honestly just think that we had our terms crossed. Submission to him is not what my submission looks like. It isn't the way that it was worded in my contract (submission was never defined) so we both read into it what we pleased. It ended up being that during the course of that exploration my idea of what I could reasonably do and his expectations just ended up being two entirely different things. He won't even begin to touch the idea that there is a different way to sub. It's his way or I'm a bad sub. And that just exploded over the past few days.

He decided that we needed a break--for 19 days, yall--until October 1.

Just....just no. How is that not passive-aggressive and over-blown? In his absence I had all of these questions (he's usually the person I turn to for questions) so I turned to the internet and the overwhelming majority of people that read our exchanges told me to leave him. Which sucks when you're really hoping that your gut instinct is wrong.

I recognize the signs of emotional abuse, okay? I've worked in advocacy and close enough to crisis situations long enough to know what an unhealthy relationship looks like. To know what an unhealthy exchange sounds like. If anyone of my friends would have told me that their boyfriend spoke to them the way that he spoke to me Jesus save the children! I would have forcibly removed that assholes balls and mounted them to my mantle. End of story. No one crosses my Swans. Not with that bullshit.

But it's a weird head-game that gets played when the abuse is psychological, right? You start to think that it's your fault. That you should moderate your responses, or just give in--submit already!--anything to make the influx of emotions stop. It's crazymaking. Your responses are waaaay overblown, the key here is that it's outside of your normal. I had to double check everything before I sent it to him, I had to have every piece of communication looked at by someone else--what am I missing? Why is he so angry? What am I doing? What can I do better? Jesus.

I couldn't eat. I couldn't study. I was being a moody bitch at work. I looked up and was, literally, vibrating with rage at being treated that way (that I know is clearly unacceptable) but feeling so helpless against it. I felt helpless, backed into a corner. I saw myself being manipulated and called names with the intent to wound. In the bdsm world those things could be acceptable, consent exchange depending on the agreements. Those were not my agreements, and if they were--if that's how he'd been interpreting them--then I wanted it to stop. I thought that I said that clearly. But maybe not, because it kept happening. He refuses to accept even a little responsibility. Just a little (I know that you don't like it when I call you that--sorry, I was just so angry.) Nothing.

So. I had a panic attack at work--not his fault, I know. The emotions I was feeling--being trapped, helpless, pathetic, manipulated--they triggered a flashback to a sexual assault that happened when I was a kid. I've never been triggered before. I was at work. I had to have a co-worker coach me through it. Lucky for me that my co-workers are all hard-core activists/advocates and have been in and around crisis situations--they speak the language. So I told one of the girls about my long-distance, power exchange relationship because I'd be triggered and was having a panic attack at work. That was awful.

That's not what love is. That's not what bdsm is. He didn't trigger me, I'm not saying that, but the emotions that I was having around the situation were so similar that they'd brought up shit that I hadn't given serious thought to in 10-15 years? That's a hard limit and a red flag and a fucking neon sign that things have to change.

So I wrote a letter (month-long silence, remember?), at a friend's prodding, to end the relationship. I told him all of the things that I just told you and more. I really thought that I was being open and honest and not a bitch--I know my bitchy and it's ruthless and ugly--and trust me that wasn't it.

But his response--jesuuuuuussss. His response completely and totally debased me of any notion of us ever being able to reconcile. I'd been going back and forth--maybe we can compromise and work this out?--god no. Not after that....just no. Two of my Swans have also been sexually assaulted before, and they helped me to work through all of this shit--one of them almost cried after I'd let her read the message that I got back. She knows what it's like to have to deal with a trigger and the shame and the guilt and the pure horror at feeling so weak in front of someone else, she's dealt with it way more times than me and she almost couldn't handle the things that were said. The other was just indignant--she ran out of fucks and last chances to give him days ago but it ramped up a whole nother lever today, yall.

So that's done. I need to go get therapy on how to deal with and work through that sexual assault....guess that I should have done that earlier. Didn't ever really think that it was a problem, it had never been a problem. Ugh. I have to work on me. *insert rueful laugh* that goddamn test is in 2 weeks. I've got shit to work on. It's so sad that we can't work on these things together.


I find that it's always easier during the day. I can find things to do. I can keep busy. It's just easier to feel connected to the earth and people. But night is a whole new world. I second guess myself. This is, by far, the most intimate relationship that I've ever had. I'm going to miss that. I'd never understood how peaceful and safe you could feel in someone else's arms until him. I also never realized that I could feel so awful. So pathetic and needy. One of the swans said to me, "Now you know what love feels like and that's invaluable. You also know what abuse feels like, and that's important. Use those things to navigate love and relationships, and to stay true to you." Words for the mouth of a survivor whose gotten the t-shirt and the club pin already. Ahhh...taken together those girls are my Bible, True North, and Sunshine.

I won't pretend that what happened to me was the worst. I've lived a very comfortable life. This lasted for a week before I cut out. In the grand scheme of things that's child's play. I won't pretend to know what it's like to be in a situation and feel like there is no means of escape, I felt like I couldn't escape when I was a kid and those things were happening to me. I know exactly how to disconnect myself from this current situation--and that's just one of the many blessings of my situation.

I don't have a tidy way to wrap this up.

The Man and I are over. Let us pray and wish upon every one of Disney's stars that I have the strength and common sense to keep it that way. I will miss him, but we're no good for each other. He's no good for me. I feel kind of numb, and then kind of anxious, and then really good about this--it plays on a constant loop.

I know that there'll be more days like this, when I miss us and him and wish that it was different. Where I'll silently wish to myself that I could have just given in and been what he wanted so that I could've kept what we had. God. It's like I think that I'm the sole reason that we didn't work out. Because I wasn't enough, because I couldn't submit correctly, because I'm too opinionated, topping from the bottom I was told. All me, nothing else. Not because I was demanding that I be respected or something, but just because I'm awful and all I have to do is apologize. Just apologize and everything could go right back to the perfect it was two weeks ago. I don't think that all of the time or even most of the time...but that's not a hard road to go down. To think that I'm making the wrong decision and to be terrified that he's right about me.

But there will never be a day where I'll be ashamed that I walked away. You'll never come here and find that I think that I deserved what happened to me or that I'm not proud of my friends for pushing me to see what was happening as quickly and efficiently as they did. I'm proud of myself for holding firm onto me, and not allowing him to wrap myself completely into our relationship.

I'm proud goddamnit and he (and anyone else for that matter) can fuck off in THAT direction.
 
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And I'm getting rid of that stupid (and incorrect) signature, too!

Ah. Now, that feels and looks better, doesn't it?
 
Such a kind Lady

Lady emailed me yesterday. She'd been lying low and trying to avoid all of the shit that the Man and I were throwing at each other, but apparently feels the need to try to mediate. Too late, but I can appreciate the gesture.

She has always offered to be an outlet for me. She knows (and always starts her offers) by saying that she knows that I don't have a lot of people that I can talk to about these things (zero people actually that have any experience with the nature of our relationship), and so while she's by no means a neutral party, she'd be willing to act as a safe space for me, if needed. And that's really sweet. It is really sweet, and really weird. Or at least it was weird for me; yesterday I took her up on her offer...I just have a lot of feelings right now. So I went in, full disclosure about two things that are my biggest concerns. And her response was really, really nice. She's kept her word on being the neutral, safe space (at least thus far). It's....interesting, to say the least. But she was really nice and understanding--because understanding and support are really all I want right now and I have no problem with being upfront about that. I'm not ready to hear anything else outside of those two things. Pick one or shut the fuck up. I don't want to hear all of your motivational bullshit, there is no silver lining to a cloud of having to dredge up painful childhood memories. There is no silver lining to this right now, not from where I'm currently standing. And stop fucking telling me that it'll be better in the future--I couldn't give two shits about the future right now I just need to make it through Monday. I just need to make it through work. I just need to make it back home and into bed. Let me worry about Monday right now. That's all that I feel capable of really being able to handle. That's where I'm at right now--not sorry bout it.

So Lady was really kind, when she could have just as easily watched it all burn to the ground and go about her life. The Lady is crazy intuitive, and she suspects that there's neutral ground to return to for the Man and I. I doubt it but everyone is entitled to their opinion, right?

Anyway, Lady and I were in the process of trying to get to know each other better. Of trying to figure out how/if we even wanted to deeper our relationship and interactions. I like her a lot. I care for her. And I think that it's insanely shitty that, for me, the reality of her has always been caught up in my reality with him. Lady is under no such illusion, and has offered to keep in touch and to be someone that I can turn to for support while I shift and work through all of this shit that just got unearthed from my past. It's really nice that she hasn't decided to let me just walk away from her because it's going to be awkward and uncomfortable sometimes negotiating our relationship without him, since that's all it's ever been....even if we were actively trying to move away from that.

Empathy for the tough emotions that I'm dealing with. That's what she called it, and that's how she's explained it to me. Empathizing with a friend who's in need of support. She gets that I'm in a more volatile, and consequently fragile, place then usual and is handling me with gloves right now. I don't know that I'd be able to stomach anything more, for the next few days (god I hope it's not weeks....or months *shudder*). I just feel equal parts fragile and desensitized. That happens when I go through really tough emotional upheavals. I shut down. I just stop taking in stimuli as a mechanism of self-preservation. I know that this is me trying to protect myself by just not letting anything else in. I don't think it's necessarily the most emotionally mature response but I kinda don't give a fuck either....so there's that.

She also keeps injecting reason into things and, admittedly, she's in a really prime position to be able to see more of the things then with the Man or I.

I don't know what to think about anything right now. So I'm just going to work on the parts that I can control--I've gotta find a therapist and rediscover the will to study for this fucking test. So I'll work there, and I'll lean on the Swans and Lady until I can get help.
 
Wow. I am glad you are seeking a therapist and have local friends to lean on til you get an appointment. I am very sorry you experienced psychological abuse. :(

I would caution against leaning on Lady. She comes as part of his package. As his other sub you have no idea if she is under directions from him to play nice and mine you for data he can use. Why risk it when there are others not connected to him you can talk to? You could not put either of those two in a position of power over you again.

You could share data and she might not use it against you or she might not give it to him to use against you. She has power over your info if you reveal though so who knows til too late?

Or you could just not share data. Then she or are just not ABLE to at all even if s/he wanted because they have nothing. You retain power and control over your data.

If she is really a friend she would understand your need to step away from her also at this time because she dates your abuser. If she cannot get that? She is messed up. In your #12 post they both sounded like they were "swooping in for the kill" with how fast they wanted to assimilate you. Kinda creepy.

Best just break from both, IMHO, and seek a counselor.

I am very sorry that you went through all that!

Galagirl
 
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