writing out the exodus from poly

Thursday. (after replying to you wonderful ladies). J was miserable this AM...talking about how there was no "we" anymore, and no "household stuff" despite my pointing out we have to live together for quite some time (he doesn't work). Every time we talk the guilt is over whelming...he wants to try just because, finances, kids, we "used to" be in love...I don't want to try with someone I don't have feelings for.

The kids seem to be doing ok. Work is annoying...despite the hard work and 10 years ive put in some of the directors dislike and undermined me constantly. My boss sticks up for me, but when she retires (soon) not sure how it will go. My job is very specialized and hard to look for others. Its also so frustrating I make a good amount of money but am absolutely broke and cant pay all the bills cause I support five people. it wears on me.

I've decided to learn tarot cards. not cause im some new age hippie but I think its interesting to try to broaden your mind and see what you come up with.

Last night I took D on a special planned date, he didn't seem overly impressed and I felt bad. probably more me than him. He showed me a woman hes talking to on OKC...im going to admit I was relieved she was older, heavier, and poly-ier than me (already has a primary). If he ever gets a young, hot, single babe I might blow my top. Yep, I sound possessive and insecure. D also mentioned our disparities....he went into this thing about being a DINK, unlike me, and having hard boundries around possession of things that I don't (ie, if you really needed to use my car i'd had you the keys. I once let a woman in the garage use ym flipflops to walk through a puddle). I think he sounds selfish and didn't totally understand how it relates to us.


I need a vacation. I want to run away to the city (im not a beach girl, blech. I live in new England so that makes beaches even worse) but again, back to the money thing. Life is too cyclical.
 
money

My previous post got me thinking. Money is such a harbinger of evil...or at least bad thoughts and hard feelings?

My financial situation is hard. I make decent money, live in a decent house in a decent town...but since I am the only income I cant really afford heating oil, dentist appointments...you know important things. D...works four days a week and if he went back to full time would make another grand a month. I mean, holy shit..a GRAND. ANd he just gave it up...so he could write and explore himself on Fridays. MAybe this is what hes talking about....about our lifestyles causing pains...why he wont tell me what he makes (I can ballpark it anyway, at least 20 grand more than me). I have to admit...only here....it does make me sort of angry and jealous. I know its wrong...but I end up thinking, why cant you help me? if we are in love and have such a strong relationship cant you help me heat the house? I mean he worries about my oil changes going past due or my lack of getting a filling....but the one time I asked him for 20 dollars so I didn't bounce a check he was very uncomfortable.

I know its wrong. I know I sound awful. But there are also men it wouldn't matter too....my ex (not husband) makes even more than D. and easily and freely would help (help I ask the dude for 200 bucks and he gives it to me) if we were together he would live with me and stuff and not think twice that he was footing more bills than me. I guess D. isn't that kind of person.
I often wonder why hes with a broke chick with three kids and how long he'll actually stay
 
Hi @GorgeousKitten I'm really enjoying reading your blog, so thought-provoking. I've personally gone from polyamorous to monogamous back to polyamorous over the span of 20 years, and I really think it's a fluid thing for some of us rather than a set-in-stone way-we-are. It also has to do with who we're involved with. Keep writing, you've got people pulling for your happiness.
 
Everything is just rough. One thing nagging me right now, is people keep telling me I have to let D. be authentic to himself and if he feels poly inside, I cant ask him to change that. I am urged to find a way to except poly...

But what about MY authentic self? I am about 98% sure I am not going to be able to deal with the feelings and what not that will come with his dating. Why isn't he told to consider if he really wants to be poly, to consider what an exclusive relationship would be like? Of course I am not going to shove him into a box. But I do not have to accept poly any more than he has to accept a desire to exclusive.

We've started couples counseling. I don't see it working....but he agreed to not date till the end of August while we work on it. At the moment, im accepting I get the next 6 weeks or so to spend loving and enjoying him while preparing my heart to leave.
 
I am urged to find a way to except poly...

But what about MY authentic self? I am about 98% sure I am not going to be able to deal with the feelings and what not that will come with his dating.
I think that's really good to figure out -- if your authentic self is mono, and you can't accept a partner being poly, that's a thing to know, and be, and act upon. No one should insist that you try to be poly. And no one but you can commit to trying to be a monogamous partner to a poly person. If that doesn't feel right, you decide the limits to which you'll go to try it on. You do you.

Why isn't he told to consider if he really wants to be poly, to consider what an exclusive relationship would be like?

Well, exclusivity is kind of the default in our society. That's all most of us ever consider in the fairytale wooing and winning and happily ever after we desperately try to realize in our dating and marrying lives. It seems unlikely that he's forgotten the benefits and comforts of monogamy, and never considered it with you, since you have said you want that. Maybe he's just even more sure than your 98% (that you can't accept him being poly) that, for now, at least, he is not going to be able to deal with the feelings that will come along with not dating.

It's not your responsibility to support his authentic self by changing what you need. We support each other by being what we are, accepting the differences, and making a relationship in the areas where we are compatible. Not by forcing a particular type of relationship despite irreconcilable incompatibility. It may be that you two won't be compatible romantically, at least while your valuing of exclusivity is so completely in opposition.

I'm glad you two have a counselor to help sort it out. It sounds awfully difficult to go through. This six weeks may feel like a trial of exclusivity, but it's important that you keep your head about the purpose of the exclusivity. Is he going to be thinking, "Can I do this indefinitely?" Or is he more in the mode of, "This is time to focus on me and gorgeouskitten and work things out, to an end or a way forward. I plan to go back to being actively poly in September." It sounds like the latter, but you may be tempted as the weeks go by to see it as the former, and build up evidence that "being mono together" can be so wonderful. So be careful about that. He's not offering mono at this point.

I hope your six weeks helps you both learn some, understand, accept, and all that ... but also that the time allows you to really celebrate what you two have been to each other. A relationship ending doesn't mean it failed.
 
Thanks for your words SlowPoly <3 I asked him if exclusive is on the table at all, since his desire to have 'full blown' polyamory is on the table and he said of course we'd discuss it since its what I want. I didn't exactly hear that as "i'll be considering it."
I agree with you his thing is the later, not the former of what you said.



More on just life...the blogging...
Its a hard day. aside from feeling overwhelmed and sad about that guy im in love with my financial situation flat out sucks. I';m more behind on bills than I had thought and my spouse (ex eventually) cant seem to find work. it sucks, it sucks hard. I want a big drink and to close my eyes and wish it all away.
In reality, J. will be out tonight and i'll play with the kids and enjoy THEIR presence (hell, they love me) and then put them off to bed...then, then I can break down and wallow.
 
Though 1002 of the day:
Had that talk with D. last night and I keep chewing on one of his reasons for being poly. He says after 25 years with the same woman, and restrictions on his activities/life he wants to meet new people and experience things that he maybe cant with me. That he needs to find out whats important to him in a relationship and maybe he cant live with out "x" and I cant give him "x".

I wanted to comment on this part (and I apologize in advance if I'm not totally coherent, I'm dealing with some intense emotions myself and it's affecting how I think and talk right now). My husband loves me immensely and will do anything he can to make me happy. However, there are some things he just can't do for me because of the type of person he is.

He's incredibly loving, and gentle, and sweet. I absolutely love that about him and appreciate it also. However, through the course of our poly life, I discovered that I like some aspects of BDSM, especially being bitten hard, sometimes being spanked, and sometimes just really rough sex (I have bruises on my arm right now from some rough sex last week). While my husband tries to fulfill those needs for me, it's not something he understands and it truly is something that goes against his basic nature, so he's not really able to do it, even though he would love to be able to help me fulfill those needs. Yesterday I got together with an ex-boyfriend who is transitioning to a friend with benefits and he was able to fulfill some of those needs for me and provide an incredible release for some of the suffering I'm feeling right now. And it was wonderful. Does that mean that the sex I share with my husband isn't wonderful? Not at all. It just fills a separate need.

And there's needs that my husband has that his girlfriend fulfills that I can't. She is so incredibly similar to him and I'm more of a compatible opposite personality. They are both incredibly talkative and outgoing and so she's able to help him fulfill his needs in those areas in ways that I can't. And I'm fine with that.

I truly think it's impossible for one person to be everything another person needs. And I don't think there is anything wrong with that. Please don't beat yourself up because you can't provide everything D needs. It doesn't mean you are a bad person or lacking in some way.
 
I wanted to comment on this part (and I apologize in advance if I'm not totally coherent, I'm dealing with some intense emotions myself and it's affecting how I think and talk right now). My husband loves me immensely and will do anything he can to make me happy. However, there are some things he just can't do for me because of the type of person he is.

He's incredibly loving, and gentle, and sweet. I absolutely love that about him and appreciate it also. However, through the course of our poly life, I discovered that I like some aspects of BDSM, especially being bitten hard, sometimes being spanked, and sometimes just really rough sex (I have bruises on my arm right now from some rough sex last week). While my husband tries to fulfill those needs for me, it's not something he understands and it truly is something that goes against his basic nature, so he's not really able to do it, even though he would love to be able to help me fulfill those needs. Yesterday I got together with an ex-boyfriend who is transitioning to a friend with benefits and he was able to fulfill some of those needs for me and provide an incredible release for some of the suffering I'm feeling right now. And it was wonderful. Does that mean that the sex I share with my husband isn't wonderful? Not at all. It just fills a separate need.

And there's needs that my husband has that his girlfriend fulfills that I can't. She is so incredibly similar to him and I'm more of a compatible opposite personality. They are both incredibly talkative and outgoing and so she's able to help him fulfill his needs in those areas in ways that I can't. And I'm fine with that.

I truly think it's impossible for one person to be everything another person needs. And I don't think there is anything wrong with that. Please don't beat yourself up because you can't provide everything D needs. It doesn't mean you are a bad person or lacking in some way.

Thank you Hannah. I am also swarmed with emotions right now and hanging on tightly (to something, maybe life itself). Funny you mentioned the sex thing, cause he is the person I have been most sexually compatible with in my whole life.

I agree with you, we can be all things to one person. But after trying poly for a year, using that as one of my biggest arguments I will tell you I believe we can provide what we are able to with out partner, along with love and understanding...we can always listen, we can always try what they need....but they can also fill (non sexual) needs with friends, not lovers. I think its entirely possible, partiialyl I know this because in the last six months (together a yaer and a half) he is all that I want. I used to be very flirty and promsicous..I decided to change that about myself and no longer even want to sext someone or show people my tits (im insanely proud of them). I want someone willing to work with me on the same level, and I don't think there is anything wrong with that either :)


Making this trickier....hes coming out of a 25 year relationship and has had only me. I get that...I get that it feels hard and stifling and like he cant do it....but if I gave him room/freedom to go run off on his poly horse, I'd want to know he'd come back and dedicate to me alone.
 
Pitiful is the woman who sits and pines for a dream she can not have. I went to sleep last night thinking of what kind of wedding we'd have, what i'd wear, who would be there, where it would be. Love sick teenager much?

I've been trying hard to refocus on my kids. Telling them daddy and I are splitting up is going to be heart wrenching. If they cry I'm not sure i'll make it. My spouse told me the other day he rememebers his mom reading him the divorce book and balling his eyes out. Pretty much tore my heart out with that statement though he did not intend to. We get along...we parent...but in the moments when we look across the room and have second thoughts about staying together, we are both quickly followed by a rush of no...this doesn't work. We don't mesh, we married so young and we are not compatible people.

Told my dad we are getting divorced, nothing like feeling like a little kid again. He told me he supports me, my dad is a good man, but I could hear the disappointment in his voice. especially when he heard I have a boyfriend.

I have the most beautiful nephew, hes 9 months old yet I haven't seen him since 3-4 because we don't live close. He is my only nephew, my sister sends pictures and hes just beautiful. They look like such a happy family. She didn't marry till her thirties..kid then too...she was always the smart one. I was always the pretty, flighty, love sick one. Funny how we cant break patterns.
 
We can break our patterns, but the amount of work involved is monumental. It is a very difficult process and most people shy away from it. It's never too late to try, though.

*hugs*
 
well latest and greatest ( don't feel like putting this on my relationship thread) I told D. I was really hurt hes waiting for me to 'get over it' and "you'll be ok with it once I start dating'. I asked him to accept the fact that I am NOT ok with it. and I wont BE ok with it the way he wants.
He asked if that was an ultimatum. I said no...for me, its one of two ways
1) we take a break, he does what he wants and if he decides he wants to be exclusive, we can talk
2) He dates, but we set a hard date of when to close the relationship and focus on building a life together. (no more than 6 months). we stay together, I will have to do a lot of work to cope with him date, but there would be an end in sight.


I realize, both these things are 'making' him be mono. BUT, last night he told me he totally sees us mono eventually, so I wasn't pulling any punches here.


I guess...now I wait. Option 1 will hurt a heck of a lot more, and im guessing mean the end of us
 
I hate poly. im sorry but I really really really do. it is the most painful, mixed up ,fucked up, confusing experience ive ever had the displeasure of encountering. I hate D. for introducing me to it, I hate myself for getting my spouse to do it, and I hate everyone who keeps telling me how unfair im being to D. I just need to rant this out. I do not mean offense to any of you.
I cant even flirt anymore. and I was a great flirt...I had men hanging off me. and now I can only thinking about, look at , fantasize about one. and he doesn't freaking want it.

rant over.
 
You feel what you feel. You're not forcing anyone to do anything, and you're not forcing yourself to act as if you like something you don't. Keep going. Keep expressing and accepting and processing. You are allowed to hurt and to want and to refuse. You're raw, but you will heal, no matter how things shake out. No one gets to say what you should be.
 
You feel what you feel. You're not forcing anyone to do anything, and you're not forcing yourself to act as if you like something you don't. Keep going. Keep expressing and accepting and processing. You are allowed to hurt and to want and to refuse. You're raw, but you will heal, no matter how things shake out. No one gets to say what you should be.

Thank you so much for your kind words, I hope your pregnancy is progressing well.

We split up, just last night. I cried, he cried, hell I cried most of the way through sex (amazing as it was. always is). He insists we'll reconcile....while also saying he may always want to be poly. Im not sure the man has figure out in all his years that you can have your cake and eat it too. (saying that in our situation, not all poly people)
 
:(
Sorry for the pain. It sounds like the right thing for right now. I wish you healing.
 
so we've been split for two weeks...but dragging it out like hell. he's in the UK, im back here in the states *(hes back tomorrow). HE was writing he missed me and cared for me, I was bouncing between telling him to fuck off and telling him how much I miss and love him.
I've been a mess. I lost four pounds and mainly smoke cigarettes for meals. My friends are a solace, such lovely and wonderful people. But once I'm alone...all I can think about is him. We love each other so much, yet cant be together and I just cant seem to get past that.

yesterday (still text, ugh. since hes away) he told me it was killing him to see me hurt like this and to let go. I asked if he'd let go, he said no, he cant but I should for both of us. Its hard and confusing. He says he wants till end of Oct to decide if he's poly or not. but I can not go through 10 weeks of agony. my heart breaks over and over.

Just a rambling I guess, too much pain to do much anything else.
 
little more....the hugest part of this is I know, know in my soul I cant be with him and watch him date. it crushes me. I went through a lot of younger relationships feeling unworthy, and I cant go back there. And im hung up on the fact that both I and nudge's wife were lying to our spouses about our love for them when we asked to be poly. (im not saying I did this 100% consciously)

He cant understand how I am so adverse and insulted by something I indentified as mere months ago. But I identified as poly, so I could have HIM. I had no one else, besides the spouses, didn't want to. still don't. He never dated either....but now, now that his marriage is over and its just him and me he wants to, and doesn't know if he will ever want to be poly. I guess...if anyone can give me any gentle insight into his side
 
I hope you realize you *are* worthy. And that includes being worthy of having someone in your life who understands and respects your needs, and who doesn't keep flip-flopping on whether he wants to be mono or poly.

I wonder if part of his difficulty in giving a straight answer and sticking to it is because his marriage is now over? A lot of people when they divorce go through what my kids' divorce support group therapist called the "wahoo" stage. As in, "Wahoo, I'm not married, I'm free to do what I want!"

To me, and admittedly I don't know the whole story, it sounds like he might be "wahooing" about now being free to date whomever he wants, and not completely understanding or accepting that a committed relationship with *you* means he might not be as free as he wants to be.
 
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