Spyware
I texted Raven, to apologise for Cinder, and commiserate at the impossibility of the situation. To relay my humiliation. To ultimately say goodbye on my own terms, because I was committed to Cinder in all her flailing humanity and I accepted her for who she was, flaws and all. Over a month we texted sporadically, and I would erase our conversations from my phone. I knew what we were doing was wrong, and I was playing with fire in my relationship. Something felt so very wrong deep down inside me, and I was building a crazy ball of resentment in my chest about the ways I had been controlled. It had a cumulative effect, and I began to care less about caretaking Cinders emotional needs. I had developed a callous around her seemingly constant upset, I just didn’t feel it like I use too. Maybe a little impervious. Raven and I would talk txt about her other boyfriend, her studies, my work, a little about Cinder. It was pretty tame stuff actually. Sure we acknowledged our feelings for each other, but there was no illusions around me leaving Cinder, and I didn’t want to lead Raven on. There was no overt pining or sexting. It was pretty innocuous. I hated the veto power that Cinder had swung like a sledgehammer and her extreme control of changing my number. Eventually I came to acceptance that this had happened, I expressed my extreme displeasure and warned her never to do something like that again, because she was engendering feelings inside of me that would go toxic.
I did not know at the time that Cinder had installed spyware on my phone, and was following along with my convo with Raven. This went on for a month, and I was feeling like I had to cut ties with Raven, because it was not doing either of us any good to have contact and I didn’t like the deception I knew I was creating, it was wrong, and I still loved Cinder. Then one day she called me at work, and asked me if I had been in contact with Raven. She said she had a “woman’s intuition” that her and I had been in contact. I admitted that we had been texting, and I told her why and the gist of our texts ( of course she already knew this ). I prepared myself for the shit storm, and then it never arrived. She forgave me, and thanked me for being honest with her, and she pledged her love to me. I was dumbfounded. I still believed that she had guessed that I had contacted Raven, that it spoke of our deep emotional connection. I was lifted up by her acceptance of me. I felt like we had made a huge step forward in our life together. In hindsight I see it as her checking my honesty out, and that my communication with Raven checked out as pretty plain. Unfortunately those good feelings where built on a deception on her end of things, and unraveled later on. But at the time we were in a good place.
Do two wrongs make a right? Does spying and deceiving your partner after a grievous controlling move like changing someone’s number justify finding something? Especially after the 180 degree turn in a day from being in an open relationship. That whole situation has just fucked with my head and heart, but that was Cinder. One day one thing, the next day it was a different story. I never felt like I had stable ground to stand on, to build friendships on. Looking back I see lots of little things like that and it breaks my heart.
I called Raven one last time to say goodbye with Cinder’s approval (LOL). We talked and cried a little, talked about our feelings and that messed up situation. She expressed a lot of concern about how unhealthy she saw my relationship, told me she worried about me, my heart. She had nothing good to say about Cinder. We said our goodbyes, and that was it. Our time together was over, and I was determined to make it work with Cinder, she was my wife and I loved her and was fully committed, even with the rising resentment and unease of years of subtle and not so subtle control and manipulation building up.
We decided to take a break from Poly for the time being and just be together, work on our relationship. We did some couples counselling and processed tons. Lots of reflective listening, which is fine, but when it came time to discuss the things I disagreed with there was always a reason to not talk about it. I began to see Cinder in a different light, and my vibrancy and lust for life was beginning to dull. I was depressed, tired all the time. Sad. I didn’t know why, but of course looking back it is easy to see. But when you are in it, that’s another story.
It wasn’t long before Cinder was on the lady hunt again (did she ever stop?) and had made contact with Chiquita. Here we go again!
I texted Raven, to apologise for Cinder, and commiserate at the impossibility of the situation. To relay my humiliation. To ultimately say goodbye on my own terms, because I was committed to Cinder in all her flailing humanity and I accepted her for who she was, flaws and all. Over a month we texted sporadically, and I would erase our conversations from my phone. I knew what we were doing was wrong, and I was playing with fire in my relationship. Something felt so very wrong deep down inside me, and I was building a crazy ball of resentment in my chest about the ways I had been controlled. It had a cumulative effect, and I began to care less about caretaking Cinders emotional needs. I had developed a callous around her seemingly constant upset, I just didn’t feel it like I use too. Maybe a little impervious. Raven and I would talk txt about her other boyfriend, her studies, my work, a little about Cinder. It was pretty tame stuff actually. Sure we acknowledged our feelings for each other, but there was no illusions around me leaving Cinder, and I didn’t want to lead Raven on. There was no overt pining or sexting. It was pretty innocuous. I hated the veto power that Cinder had swung like a sledgehammer and her extreme control of changing my number. Eventually I came to acceptance that this had happened, I expressed my extreme displeasure and warned her never to do something like that again, because she was engendering feelings inside of me that would go toxic.
I did not know at the time that Cinder had installed spyware on my phone, and was following along with my convo with Raven. This went on for a month, and I was feeling like I had to cut ties with Raven, because it was not doing either of us any good to have contact and I didn’t like the deception I knew I was creating, it was wrong, and I still loved Cinder. Then one day she called me at work, and asked me if I had been in contact with Raven. She said she had a “woman’s intuition” that her and I had been in contact. I admitted that we had been texting, and I told her why and the gist of our texts ( of course she already knew this ). I prepared myself for the shit storm, and then it never arrived. She forgave me, and thanked me for being honest with her, and she pledged her love to me. I was dumbfounded. I still believed that she had guessed that I had contacted Raven, that it spoke of our deep emotional connection. I was lifted up by her acceptance of me. I felt like we had made a huge step forward in our life together. In hindsight I see it as her checking my honesty out, and that my communication with Raven checked out as pretty plain. Unfortunately those good feelings where built on a deception on her end of things, and unraveled later on. But at the time we were in a good place.
Do two wrongs make a right? Does spying and deceiving your partner after a grievous controlling move like changing someone’s number justify finding something? Especially after the 180 degree turn in a day from being in an open relationship. That whole situation has just fucked with my head and heart, but that was Cinder. One day one thing, the next day it was a different story. I never felt like I had stable ground to stand on, to build friendships on. Looking back I see lots of little things like that and it breaks my heart.
I called Raven one last time to say goodbye with Cinder’s approval (LOL). We talked and cried a little, talked about our feelings and that messed up situation. She expressed a lot of concern about how unhealthy she saw my relationship, told me she worried about me, my heart. She had nothing good to say about Cinder. We said our goodbyes, and that was it. Our time together was over, and I was determined to make it work with Cinder, she was my wife and I loved her and was fully committed, even with the rising resentment and unease of years of subtle and not so subtle control and manipulation building up.
We decided to take a break from Poly for the time being and just be together, work on our relationship. We did some couples counselling and processed tons. Lots of reflective listening, which is fine, but when it came time to discuss the things I disagreed with there was always a reason to not talk about it. I began to see Cinder in a different light, and my vibrancy and lust for life was beginning to dull. I was depressed, tired all the time. Sad. I didn’t know why, but of course looking back it is easy to see. But when you are in it, that’s another story.
It wasn’t long before Cinder was on the lady hunt again (did she ever stop?) and had made contact with Chiquita. Here we go again!
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