On being disabled, sexuality, and becoming poly.

I find it rather difficult to believe. I mean, we have David Blunkett and people are more than aware of the numerous blind musicians that there are. I don't believe that the average person thinks that a blind person is cognitively disadvantaged.
 
Blind

Yes, London, I forgot about all the blind musicians. Although the article is based on direct experience. Given, much of it is in "third world" countries. Having a mass to pray for a blind baby's death? That is just chilling - and actually goes against the teachings of the Church.

I find this line The United States has one of the lowest rates of visual impairment in the world, and yet blindness is still among the most feared physical afflictions. Even in this country, the blind are perceived as a people apart.


VERY DISTURBING.

London, I know people respect blind musicians - but this is sort of the "super crip" model,. If you are disabled and can prove you have some sort of genius, you are given a pass. Ordinnary disabled and blind people do not get that pass.
 
I don't find it particularly surprising that people fear blindness more than other disabilities. I don't agree that the majority of people think that blind people don't understand ie are below normal intelligence. That was my point about the MP and musicians. People know that blind people might be blind and cognitively impaired but they don't mistake blindness for a cognitive impairment. They don't think that because you are blind, you must have below average intelligence.
 
Blindness

I see where you are coming from - but I read the article differently. Although it mentioned education and cognitive ability - I don't think whether the average person thinks a blind person is "smart" was the primary point. The primary point I got (although it could be just my reading) is that most people think of blind people and distinctly the "other" and I do believe this is true. In Europe it could be different. But in the US is has not been my experience that blind people are regarded as functional capable people who happen to not see.

Blind people discuss this all the time. They are just going to work and they are physically grabbed by a well meaning stranger. Somene on the poly site here in fact expressed anger when he did this to a blind person and they were angry.

I have no doubt that this comes from the desire to help. But it also shows a deep belief that a person who is blind is not capable to get from point A to point B, which is just ridiculous.

I am very honest here to a fault. I myself, am afraid to become blind or Deaf or use a wheelchair. I admit that. But there is a distinction between saying you fear something and not looking at someone with that disability as a capable person or an equal citizen. I may fear being blind, but that doesn't mean I have to believe blind people aren't capable and worthy of respect - of life in some cases. Hell, I'm terrified of MEN.
 
Send Advice PLEASE

I know we're not supposed to ask for advice in the blog section, but I don't want cloud up the advice section - and maybe I need to just write this out more than anything else.

I have been going back and forth for awhile trying to come to a resolution with someone I met a year and half ago. This person was married (and cheating). It was only my second poly relationship and it's no excuse I know, but I decided to become involfved with him. We had a brief sexual relationship and then continued in a somewhat emotional affair/friendship. Last summer, I got mad at him for continuing to look for women online. Not only was I jealous and hurt, but by this time, I felt solidly a friend and tried to approach it from an angle of this isn't good for you. Needless to say, it didn't go over well. I felt frustrated, angry, and jealous.

Since, then has been a process of trying to let go. I feel he is neither friend to me (isn't open and consistent) nor is he lover. I sometimes feel like I am "in love" with this man, and while he is special to me, I think it's more of a fixation, wanting what I can't have, trying to control things perhaps. I am definitely working through some abandonment issues with this person. This is getting too long, so I'll just to the 'adcie".

I have been trying to mourn this person. But he keeps coming back. He always emails. I have a hard time mourning him when he won't go away. I also have a hard, impossible time, ignoring him. I have blocked him, in all aspects, but he still emails. Now he wants to get together. The compulsion part desires to go - and I think I will. But he wants to get together tomorrow or Friday. I have plans tomorrow. I am sick of getting stuck in the emotion of waiting around for him. I am so frustrated with my own inability to be strong and ignore and reject him. What am I hoping to get out of this meeting? I am hoping that he will finally open up and we can be better friends. Maybe I'm hoping that seeing him will dispel some of the mythology and I will get over my pinning...

Has anyone been in this situation?
 
I feel like BOTH of us are at the same point. Neither of us wants to go through the mourning process. The process of not having someone in your life.

I heard a great talk about this in meditation last night. my teacher feels that it is fundamental to go through all the stages of mourning in order to move forward. I think I am "stalled" in my mourning because of trauma at an early age and then a mess of people dying in my forties. I think at a certain point, my entire body and soul just said, I'm not going to fucking moron anymore - so I lost the capability to do it. Ironically. I would get through this if this person would just go away for awhile but he won't' and I am put in the impossible position of making the boundary.
 
Since you asked... :)

I suggest the 40 days process. NovemberRain wrote about it here some time ago and I have used it with both SW and Beaker.

You (and him too even if he won't admit it) need time apart to let go, to mourn, to start the process of moving on.

No contact at all in any form for 40 days. No texts, no phone calls, no meeting, no emails, no social media.

After 40 days, if you want to be in contact again, you can.

I explicitly said what I was doing with SW and Beaker. I told them I'm not contacting you at all for 40 days. Don't contact me in any way. I don't hate you and I am not cutting you out of my life forever. They respected my wishes and left me alone until I reached out to them.

It's hard at first, especially if one is not sure if one wants to let go. But I've found it absolutely invaluable. I would not be in a good a place now as I am with SW and Beaker. I'm good friends with my ex-wife and SW has become another good friend. Without taking that time, I doubt things would have gone as smoothly and as well.

You are not rejecting anyone. Just taking time to start letting go of the old and beginning the foundation of something new. (That process will continue after the 40 days - it's a jump start not a complete solution.) You can be in each other's lives afterwards. But I feel strongly that a break is essential if you want to do this in a healthy way.

He can still be special to you. This break is not about reducing his specialness. It's about creating a healthy way to acknowledge his place in your life and your emotions, while recognizing that his presence is also problematic.

This is not impossible. Hard, yes. But it is well within your capability.
 
YES, I did ask!

Yes, I did ask. And I am so very grateful for the support.

I love the idea of the structure.

We have no social media contact. Phone nor text are not an issue. The primary issue is the email. I have blocked chat and even put his emails in the trash - but I check the trash and it starts all over again.

I have asked him numerous times for a pause. But he's not willing to do it. I know he's an okay guy. I don't think he;s purposefully disrespecting me. But I do think he has a need he's not acknowledging.

So, practically, what do I do when I'm compelled to "check trash?" When I'm compelled to respond. Are you as close to your people now as you were or want to be?

I'm so frustrated. I have been on countless dates and hook-ups but keep getting stuck back here.
 
How do you tell..

when someone is just acting out your childhood issues or if you really love each other? Silly question, I know.
 
Since you asked. :)

You have been wonderfully honest about the struggles you experience in finding positive relationships (whether friendships or romances). You've talked a bit about your tendency to allow people into your life who don't treat you well. This is a habit that you have, for very understandable reasons, developed over the course of your lifetime. Like all habits, simply understanding that they don't serve us well isn't enough to stop them.

My view on romantic relationships is that they are particularly difficult in this regard because of the way lots of people in the West are socialised. We are taught from a very young age that romantic relationships should be difficult. There should be an adversity to overcome before the lovers can live "happily ever after." It starts in childhood with fairy tales and goes on into adulthood as the plot of many books and films. So the notion of being parted painfully and then dramatically coming back together is, I think, embedded in many people's mind as a model for how relationships should be.

Sex, in my opinion, makes this tendency stronger. Sex floods our bodies with mind altering chemicals. Some of that just makes us crave more of it. Some of it is about bonding with the person we've just had sex with.

In light of all of that, I'm not surprised that you are finding it difficult to move on from this relationship.

But to me, your 'ex' doesn't sound like a good person to be having a relationship with. I have no doubt that he is a lovely guy with many wonderful qualities. None of that makes him a good prospect for being a supportive and compassionate friend or lover.

The red flags for me are:

1. He has shown that he is willing to lie to and cheat on somebody who he has a significant relationship with (his wife). So there is pretty strong evidence that he is likely to lie and cheat to get things that he wants. Not good traits for friends or lovers IMO.

2. He is unable to take no for an answer. You have asked him to stop contacting you and he is refusing to do that. For me, this is a red flag of massive proportions. Your 'ex' is showing you repeatedly that he will not listen to you. What you want doesn't matter and isn't relevant to him.

I doubt if he's doing it deliberately to be horrible but he is doing it. His motivation isn't relevant, his actions are.

For the moment, you guys aren't even really friends and he still can't listen to you. I can only imagine that will get a lot worse if you restart a friendship or a sexual relationship with him.

From what you've written, the fact that you are even thinking about seeing somebody who has repeatedly shown such poor behaviour toward his friends and loves, makes it look to me as if this is just part of your lifelong habit of allowing people into your life who treat you badly.

If I were you, I would continue with ignoring him totally. And concentrate on finding other interests to spend time and energy on.

I wish you well,

IP
 
I agree with IP here. Actions scream much louder than intent.

If you can do it without wanting to throw up on your shoes, I recommend tossing out the next email and then immediately emptying the trash. Done, gone, no reading. Let the "I'm gonna hork up my lunch" feeling pass and see how it feels. Better? Worse? Then move on from there.
 
If you can do it without wanting to throw up on your shoes, I recommend tossing out the next email and then immediately emptying the trash.

Almost all modern email systems allow you to set up rules that will do just that, and you only have to be strong once to set up the rule.
 
Thank you guys so much for all the support and advice. It is so appreciated and all of you are right.

IP, I think you make excellent points. I have been very weak in this case. I have been able to distance myself from some friends in the past few years. And finally begin to consult people about how I feel.

IP- I love how your assessments are so right, but not judging. I am going to continue to distance myself from him. I actually did see him. It was nice, but not sexual at all. I do not want that anymore. I was really conflicted (as I said) about seeing him, and it helped remove some of the mythology or what my mind had built up. And yet, this morning, I awoke totally anxious and sick!

I am generally a happy person. LOL. I use the blog as sort of a journaling for my difficulty. So, it seems like I'm a mess, but I'm relatively stable. I just feel like I'm always having intense growing experiences.

I keep thinking I should tell my kid not to make friends until he is 40! I made friends very early and have kept them for a long time and what I know now that I didn't is how profoundly I would shift. How unhealthy my early relationships were. And (obviously) some continue to be not healthy. But I did pick my husband! I have been thinking that over a lot. The relationship is flawed -as many are - but he's a pretty unconditional loving person and really there for me. When I chose him, I knew all this. I also knew that due to this there was a lack of a strong sexual attraction. But, I was also reading a great new book that describes how women in particular are not geared toward monogamy -- just a theory! I am so lucky that we decided to be poly.

My friend doesn't have the same issues. He is deeply unhappy and so is his wife (from the sounds of it). I just pray that some day he can open up to be who he really is. He's getting older. But this DID happen with my husband. Him "coming out" to his parents at age 43 was huge!
 
I really appreciate all the support and advice. If I can help you guys back in anyway - let me know. You are really adding to my strength.

You are here - that is also excellent advice. I think I can easily get trapped in compulsion and the internet is a particularly hard thing for me. I miss the days of the telephone being the only connection sometimes!
 
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I love the idea of the structure.

...

I have asked him numerous times for a pause. But he's not willing to do it. I know he's an okay guy. I don't think he;s purposefully disrespecting me. But I do think he has a need he's not acknowledging.

So, practically, what do I do when I'm compelled to "check trash?" When I'm compelled to respond. Are you as close to your people now as you were or want to be?

I'm glad you found the idea helpful. I hope it, or some variation of less contact, is helpful to you.

It doesn't matter if he is unwilling to do it. That's not his decision to make. It is very disturbing to me that he does not respect this very basic boundary. He is disrespecting you - it matters little if it is on 'purpose' or not. Intent can matter but results are what tells. If he treats you like he doesn't respect you, then he doesn't respect you.

Also, just because someone has a need doesn't mean you have to fill it. I'm sure he has all sorts of needs. We all do. Some needs are subconscious. But still - So what? Even if he were fully conscious of those needs, and told you all about them in great detail, that does not make you responsible for his needs.

Other folks have mentioned some great ideas for filters and such that delete email right away. Take advantage of modernity!

And, actually, yes I am now close to both SW and Beaker. It took time and work, even after I started being in contact with them again. Taking a long break from contact with them did help greatly by giving me the time to get my own head on straight.

Good luck. You can handle this - however you decide to do so.
 
You don't seem like a mess at all. Just a person like the rest of us who's looking to live the best life that they can.

I keep thinking I should tell my kid not to make friends until he is 40! I made friends very early and have kept them for a long time and what I know now that I didn't is how profoundly I would shift. How unhealthy my early relationships were.

I'm not convinced that us as individuals changing is what makes relationships unhealthy. I would guess that the unhealthy relationships have always been that way and that the change in you is what made you see that.

I have several very long term relationships - lasting since childhood and they are all healthy. For sure all of us have changed over the years and so have our friendships but these people are all good for me to be around and fun to spend time with. I wouldn't be without them.


But I did pick my husband! I have been thinking that over a lot. The relationship is flawed -as many are - but he's a pretty unconditional loving person and really there for me. When I chose him, I knew all this. I also knew that due to this there was a lack of a strong sexual attraction.

I'm interested in your statement that because your husband is a loving, kind person, you would lack sexual attraction for him?

Maybe that's something to explore further? I find myself more attracted to kind, loving people not less. I have no desire for sexual or any other kind of relationship with people who are not that way.
 
I had to read from the beginning, and I love your blog. I will be following it with great interest. The others have given excellent advice, so I hope 2014 is off to a great start for you. I look forward to reading more from you. xo

Ry
 
Haven't Posted in awhile/nasty private messges

Hello there! I haven't posted in awhile; I have been trying to avoid the net. I wanted to share a private message someone here send me; just for the sake of showing what misunderstandings can happen ; NK wrote

---
Two things - stop acting like everyone hates you because you're "disabled", and stop using your "disability" as an excuse to not be a better person.

Every time someone tries to reach out to you, you shut them down.

I plan to ignore you from now on.

Have a day. :|


----
This person also wrote me saying I have a "loveless marriage" and I should stop moaning. I wonder what makes this person so upset?

I hope I don't shut don't people who reach out... people like GalaGirl, OP, Bookbug, London, and even Daferi have given me great advice and love. As an update, part of the reasons for my not writing is that hearing I need to get over my married guy was hard to take. But it was right. We have not been in contact for two weeks and I feel great.

In not sure what NK means by I "use" my disability to be a better person. I'm actually a really GOOD person who gives money and helps people all the time. My writings on disability (while not popular) are at their core to help people with disabilities gain respect and equality. I may sound jaded from time to time or bitchy - but that just comes from the struggle - the struggle of being turned down for jobs and called retarded and so on. But, I am imperfect. I loved a man who cheated. I get jealous of my husband's girlfriend. I am human. People on the list do things that horrify me...they vote dates, they are controlling,. but I don't send them nasty emails. Everyone is doing the best they can.

Honestly, and this has happened many times, when I write about being happy with my disability and not wanting to be different, the biggest backlash comes from those who are struggling with their own perception of their own disability that the have yet to disclose. I talk about my disability a lot because it informs who I am, who I fuck, and who I date or don't date. To not write about it would be rejecting part of my life that is fundamental. and something people have not heard before....I more than realize that not all disabled people see it my way - when a person GETS a disability their entire world is shattered and they are suffering. But that is the story we commonly here. There is room for al stories.
 
I'm meant to be the huge cunt on here. Who is trying to oust me?
 
Hi there! Just wanted to say thank you for your wonderful blog, it has been refreshing and interesting to read this evening. I am sitting at home while husband is out with his GF and well, I guess feeling a little sorry for myself haha I too am having troubles meeting someone to share myself with. You appear to be an amazingly strong woman and it doesn't appear to me that you are 'using' your disability as an excuse, I think you embrace it quite well! Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experiences, I look forward to reading more of your blog.
 
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