stories in extended triad land

Sorry for the delay in replying - travel and such...

OK, mostly straight on the lesbian/straight continuum. Just a little bit bi. I know there is a continuum. I'm kinda 60% straight, 40% lesbian and all queer!

Huh, maybe that's a way to describe it - they're on the continuum but don't feel queer at all. Never thought of it that way.

Glad you like each other enough to make long range plans of maybe all living under one roof some day. (Although it might be nice to have 2 houses very close by instead... Just so everyone has plenty of personal space, but visiting often back and forth is easy.)

Well, yeah, right now we live a few blocks from each other in a nice residential neighborhood. We've made PLENTY of comments about AM buying a house next door to us. None of which are for sale. But that does actually sound like the better logistical option. Then it becomes an issue of who sleeps where - we kinda like the idea of a single bed, right now.

Everything else about living together is really not easy - many kids and a house that could absorb them, but with difficulty. The parents get along with each other's kids (it's relatively new, after only a few months, so it's hard to tell the details) and we're on the same page about language - being an auntie/uncle rather than a second mom, if that makes sense. I don't mind the concept of a huge family, though...

When I first met miss pixi, we made long range plans: she said, let's go to that special music fest together in 8 months... Planning to move in together took 4 years...

I can imagine that it would take us that long, if we ever get there. I'll keep writing about it as the months pass, I suppose. At the moment, it seems really impossibly far in the future, but still something that we are all thinking about.

The shorter-range long-term plans, we're working on those. We have trips for the winter, trips for next summer, a lot of places where our lives are simply interweaving. Silly but true - we started a joint calendar to allow us a shared sense of planning. The fabric feels whole, with her. My marriage is entirely changed as a result - that's been good, so far - and it turns out that it's easy (and sometimes really hard) to plan into the future. There is a bit of a realization of "my god, we're really doing this," and wondering how long we will succeed at it. And how.
 
swirling and such

This is one of those "keeping up with my life" posts. Just a catalog of events...

My wife and I were on a trip this weekend. It was a good time for AM to be alone, because she had a lot of processing to do in her own life. We all missed each other, but not because of the relationship having issues - more just because we like being together. While we were gone, we didn't really have alone time - family and friends, a constant public space. WI and I wrote to AM as much as possible, via email, but I was pretty much off the grid for much of the day. Tried writing EL and AM when I could...

Got home from the trip and I went to see AM. Whee! That was fun, with serious giggling in between the sexy fun parts. Ahem. While there, I learned that she and AM had been flirting all weekend. No way! Huh, good to find out that WI is better at hiding her texting than I thought. Makes me smile. Happy for them, honestly. It's so cute, and they continue to go deeper into places they didn't expect.

Later this week, they have a date. Both get off work early (by coincidence) and zaZING they have a date planned. I had one planned with AM that night, too, but I suggested that the three of us have one. We haven't had a three person date in a while. Ahem. We also have one planned for this weekend. Yay.

I guess what's going on for me is a continued sense of intertwining. Some examples:

- I'm more than fine with AM and WI texting and flirting, because they need that relationship. It's intense for them both, as they deepen with each other.

- It seems that EL and WI are talking more, just really slowly, and though they aren't sharing details with me, I feel really strongly about the FACT of the interaction. There are YEARS of pain and difficulty here. As EL said to me, WI's disdain for interacting with her has been like a piece of shrapnel, working its way into her flesh and deservedly so. To learn that it's no longer a space of judgment? That is huge.

- WI was totally fine with me seeing AM - never bothers asking for details but was happy to hear we were happy.

- WI was sheepish when teased about the texting - it's a new realm for us to be safely in our own couples, and it's silly to "catch" someone doing something the other could have known about and doesn't need to know about... she's still a bit unsure of how to have this relationship.

Maybe that's something important. While AM and I are figuring out how to deepen a relationship we both want (and something we've had with others in the past, or like me with EL, in the present), WI is still struggling inside herself with the sense that she shouldn't be non-monogamous.

There are plenty of sore spaces for us to work on. I was attacked for EL, now WI has AM. That makes me sore - she gets to be safe, while I remain the asshole cheater. (Okay, given: I was a cheater, but I didn't know HOW ELSE to do this...) On another front, AM is going through some private hell, and that leads to a push-pull dynamic in which it's hard for me to know what to say or do.

And I struggle to know what I really want and how to ask for it. Before anything began with AM and WI, I would have asked for a relationship with AM... and what has happened is so much richer and more beautiful than I could imagine. We have no idea where we're headed, but THIS was not what I expected. I struggle with asking for anything, for fear that something more beautiful might happen, and asking would take it away. And I'm not good at speaking up, not good at saying what I really want. Especially when some of it seems impossible - but honestly, we're already doing 4 impossible things before breakfast, we're already behind the looking glass. Which perhaps is why I don't know what to do next...

Anyway, that's where I am today.
 
Not as closed as it was, which is fine

As usual, not blogging much.

AM and WI are on a date, and I'm probably the most relaxed ever. I have work to do, and am not really thinking about them at all. Except that I crapped out, mentally, so now I'm able to write for myself (and whoever is reading this).

I'd really like to hang out with each of them, about equally, once it's over. Just find out how it went. Chat. Chill.

I can see why AM is hurt that she doesn't have the domestic space with me, and that we basically don't have a chance to hang out like that, post-date. Sigh. It bugs me.

After a period of a few weeks of trying on the idea of exclusivity, with us, AM is in a new phase where she feels she needs to date and see other people, too. I totally understand, because right now, her desires are not ones that merge easily with what is going on in WI and my life. From the different side, AM's life is a bit chaotic and needs to calm down, and she's not in a place where she has control over that. In the end, WI doesn't want a cohabiting triad, at the moment, and AM does. I'm ... waiting. There are plenty of things that need to be resolved until it's even a possibility, I feel. It's a complicated space.

As is, though, I feel pretty much okay with AM dating. There's the nuts and bolts issues like sexual health, but beyond that, emotionally, it's okay. I'm curious who she'd date. She's worried about not meeting someone who would accept her relationships with WI and me, and then ... having to decide to leave us if this person offered something in her life that she really wants more. My response is that that's crazy - AM has always been poly, and to pick someone's monogamy and lose us seems wacko. Then again, I know I'm being selfish. Ha.

But really, to use the term differently than has been used on the board (we're not hunters...), AM is caught in the unicorn dilemma. And I get it. It sucks for her. She feels she's on the outside, and she's right. Domestically, she has her own house and kids, and we have ours. I wish I could help with the mindset that makes that a problem - there are ways I'm trying, and WI is trying, but AM has some strong shit to work through in her personal life, independent of us, and it all comes together to make things a bit difficult.

WI and I are talking about what changes have happened in our life. The fabric of our marriage is obviously totally different. Some of it is just details: I'm having my first work-week overnight with AM soon, and WI is okay with that - it's like a work trip, big deal. WI is on a date, and the kids know mom is with AM, and nobody blinks (I also think the kids don't imagine that mom and AM are lovers...).

Other parts are bigger deals: we want to convey to AM something that she's not really believing from us, which is just how much each of us, individually, wants her around, and coincidentally how we each enjoy how the other reacts when she's around. We're giving her a key to our house. I mean, really, just come in. Don't ask. You belong. And there's some jewelry planned to go along with it, symbolic in a different way.

This is happening at the same time that AM is talking about dating. It's a pulling closer while also opening up. That makes sense to me. Why not? In freedom comes strength. In one's OWN freedom (AM was the one who announced exclusivity, now is saying she needs freedom) there is a strength and confidence. What's unclear, in the harder moments of figuring out how we fit together, is whether the opening up is really a pulling away, because the situation seems impossible and we can't head where some of us might want it to. Things like being out (without advertising), not quite living together (while sharing houses fluidly), it's all so very complicated.

It's not like in couple monogamy you have signposts, but there's so damn much public knowledge that you know what you kinda should be doing. I wish we had a sense of what we should be doing. I asked for advice in a thread and the topic got derailed. The answer is always the same: it's process, and not product, that matters, basically. I know THAT. But sometimes the process doesn't provide clarity, while you're living it. Sure wish it did. Advice from others would be great, but it seems that everyone's story about this time in their life is different. There's advice at the end, but the muddling through the middle is just that: muddling.

Which is a hell of a productive way to live your life. Productive muddling. I'll buy it. Seems a hell of a lot better than a bunch of other alternatives.
 
overnight

A shorter message. Last night had an overnight with AM. WI was totally cool before I left, and also when I crawled back into bed at 4. Yes, I got up in the middle of the f&^*ing night to get home, after leaving for AM's once our kids had gone to bed.

I am so looking forward to the day when we can be more open about this, don't have to worry about the kids, don't have to worry about the dog walkers and exercise nuts who get up way early, and can just be normal about it. Sheesh.

And the overnight - what a luxury! To talk until we were so tired we couldn't talk. No pressure about getting home, as if with a curfew. Just time together, curled up and close.

Getting up at 3.45 sucked, and yet I'm still glowing. I'm groggy from lack of sleep (two incomplete REM cycles in one night...whee), but I'm really happy right now.
 
cooking

AM is here, cooking with WI in the kitchen. One daughter is chipper and helping out as she can. The other is off with a friend, but greeted AM at the door with a shout of glee and joy, earlier today. Fluid flow. Feels good.

We're giving AM a key to our house, soon. So she can come in whenever she wants. Not living here, but present at her own desire.

AM is also going on a date this weekend, with a really nice guy we know peripherally. She's trying to distinguish between showing interest in him as a human being and Interest as a Partner. His daughters are practically her age - it wigs her out, but she likes him anyway.

Oh, and she was going to spend the night, just to be up late and hang out, and to have breakfast together in the morning bleary-eyed as we waited for the coffee to kick in... but she's having a serious nesting phase and just wants to be in her own goddamn house. Which is cool. People doing what they want, when they want it, is a new phase in our lives. Speaking up for yourself. Doing your own thing. Leaning, sharing, cavorting, playing, and making space - people need this, at different times. It's good that we're adjusting to normal life, slowly. NRE has been intense. This feels calmer. There's lots of cooking to do for today and tomorrow (I should get back to my part of it...)

Not that NRE is entirely gone. Still feeling like teenagers here, thank you very much. No details shared.

God, I love listening to my daughters bond with AM. They totally adore her. That they're slowly seeing us being intimate and affectionate seems totally safe. Hugs at the door. A chaste kiss. Backrubs. As long as mom and dad are okay, it seems fine. And they adore AM. Yay.
 
baby steps, giant leaps

Wow. What a night. WI and I had a date night, AM was out to a dinner with old friends. WI and I spent a huge part of the night talking about being out, and how. To whom? And why? And we talked about WI and her "latency," meaning whether she's actually bi or not. (yes, yes, I know, she and AM are lovers, but to them, this is not an obvious sentence.)

Then AM met us downtown. For people "in the closet," we sure weren't. Kisses in the middle of the street. Holding hands at the bar afterward, and not letting go as acquaintances stopped by to say hello. Everyone holding everyone, wrapped up into each other. Intense.

AM wouldn't come home with us, though. Repeated invitations, and her personal demons chasing her, with her not telling us why.

We got home. WI was distraught. Wanting closeness. We live within walking distance of each other. "You want to see her, right?" Nodding head. (I can't possibly do justice to her story of the day - the "latency" story is a huge event, with her coming out to me about women in her life, and the intensity of it and the fear of it, because of what it might mean to us and our marriage - me, I'm not worried, she won't leave me, and everything else is her finding out her deepest and truest self -- how could I not love that?!?).

Go. Go see her.

She had tears as she walked out. I texted AM, "don't lock your door." And it's been over an hour.

Good. They need this. They need each other so badly, and won't SAY it.

I swear, I'm wrapped up in too many stories. There's the married couple that is dating the same woman. There's the woman with a traumatic past. There's a wife discovering her long term desire for relationships with women. There's a lover discovering that her desired partner's wife is as lovable as he is. There's... too much. Writing it out like this, it's all cliché. But tonight, it's a series of giant leaps, all anchored in baby steps.

Call me crazy, for the upheaval involved: I'm happier, the longer it takes WI to get home. They need each other.

This is how we end up intertwining, right? This is when it's my turn to help them be closer. It feels right, comfortable, safe.

What a night.
 
writing lull

I'm not too good at writing. I don't have much time, it's late, I should sleep, etc. Some quick updates, in no order:

After talking for a while about defining ourselves as closer to partners, AM and I are taking a pause from the word. Friends and lovers is strong enough for what we are, right now. It's also what she and WI are. We continue to dance between being incredibly serious about where this is going, and wishing we could just dance in the moment, enjoy what we have.

I got a serious niggle about the two of them a few nights ago. It rarely happens, and my wife isn't used to it (I'm usually supportive - I won't go into my trigger, but it happened). She gets insecure, like she's doing something wrong and owns my reaction. She doesn't. But she's new to non-monogamy and having a hard time learning this for herself.

Both AM and WI continue to struggle with their love for the other, in that they are in love with a woman. Neither has ever pursued this. Some hard talks about it, lately. Sometimes, they just want to go hide. Self image is a demon master, sometimes. To be non-monogamous AND love a woman? Sometimes it's too much for WI.

Because of an illness where we haven't known who has what, we've been on a sex hiatus. Jesus, this sucks. Can the antiobiotics be done soon? The class of "non-STD illnesses that could be shared by sex" is a really weird class of illnesses.

I wish I had more time with AM. Nothing to do about it, we've seen LOTS of each other. But she's coming from a background where asking for anything was not encouraged. Her way of asking "can you come over" does not involve those words. So I've missed her invitations, for weeks and months. I feel like a dolt. Now that I know, I can hear better. Learning that was a good thing.

WI was at the doctor, and their conversation was about past marriage and present marriage. The doc is really awesome, totally supportive of our trio, really interested in helping us work things out. But she was also pointedly telling WI that she's not facing herself, not being honest about who she is. When we talked about it, I said the lines "you're HAPPY with AM, you're in love." And in her mood, she didn't know what to do. It's a huge change from how she used to be. Huge.

Time to head to bed. At least I wrote down a bit of where we are right now.
 
honesty beats jealousy, once again

Some updates on many fronts...

The date nights, in order, have gone (in the near past):

trio
AM and me
WI and me
AM and WI
trio
trio
trio
AM and WI
AM and me
WI and me tonight
trio tomorrow

Amusingly, that's five trio nights, plus each of us showing up on the list 4 times. I'm leaving out the driveby moments, someone bopping into the other's house for a moment. That's just being friends. These are DATE nights I'm talking about. It's pretty nice to see it developing like this...

One of the trio nights involved our third attempt at sleeping in the same bed. It was late, AM wasn't ready to go home, it didn't feel right to let her go. Now, WI has always had an INTENSE feeling about our bed - there will be no other person in it. That means the time that AM and WI somehow ended up laying down in it, and the first kiss happened, she bolted for another room. That bed is OUR bed, in her language. Not that night, it wasn't. WI on one side, AM on the other, it was loooovely. For me, at least. WI got sorely jealous of AM, though, when she saw me all curled up into someone else. She understood the geometry (I always sleep on that side, facing away from her, and AM was lying there), but it still hurt.

There was a lot of talk afterward. AM feeling left out and jealous, WI putting up hard walls of how far she could go, us articulating what we did and did not actually want. It dawned on all of us... we wanted the same level of things, right now. And that led to ... another trio. Intense, far more secure than before.

I had to go on a trip, and AM and WI had an intense conversation while I was traveling. It continued the intense conversation seeded by sleeping in the same bed. They seem to have said really hard things to each other, according to both, but all I hear is honesty, openness, and trust. The sum of it is that they are both ridiculously happy, because honesty wins out over uncertainty. Each of them is telling me that there's a deeper sense of painful truth, but they are both grinning and glowing as they say it. No longer NRE in the innocent glow - the hurtful things really were pretty painful to say and to hear - but a deeper sense of "holy shit, this is really happening."

One consequence of all that: I spent last night at AM's. I'd already said I'd like to do it once a week. AM said the same. WI said, why not?

They almost spent the night together, while I was traveling, the night of their intense talking date. In principle, I don't mind, but it would have been an unexpected surprise to me. If they'd talk to me first, I think I'd be okay. But finding out later would have stunk. I want to figure that out inside myself - why would it stink, when it's something I'm encouraging? I think I like knowing in advance, simply to get used to the idea. It's still a surprise to me that WI isn't monogamous anymore. I'm not used it, some days, and still hear her voice talking about the "one and only" and "that is what marriage MEANS." Things sure have changed. That feels like ancient history. I guess I'm still wary of change being undone, of us going back.

But, they talked and agreed they wouldn't and couldn't. We're moving forward. For now, we've stopped talking about "partners" and about living together - turns out, AM doesn't want to lose a certain kind of independence, and it's the one I want her to have, too. So we're all on the same page, this week, where 2 weeks ago was really hard on me. Such is life as things grow, I suppose.

AM gets some presents from us tomorrow - intense symbols, on the way to someplace that we don't know, yet. I'll write about it later, I hope...
 
ups and downs

Last night, there was a bit of gift giving. AM cried when she got keys to our house. Compared to when WI told her to stay the fuck away, basically, it's been a hell of a journey.

The rest of the evening was quite lovely, thank you very much.

The hard part is that WI is trying to figure out some health issues. Eek. Some scary test results came back yesterday. We're stressed out. Seriously stressed out. It's actually nice to have two people holding WI as she flips out - and holding each other as we absorb that much anxiety and fear. So far, we're doing good. But this might just be the beginning of a really awful time for us. Damn.
 
Thanks a wonderful gift!
 
closing door. holding hands.

Well, I certainly stink at blogging regularly. How to begin, when so much has happened?

On Friday, AM wrote an email saying "I need to stop. I need to go away. This isn't working for me." No surprise, because many things hadn't been working for us. But today is Sunday, and she just used her keys to sneak in to our house, kiss me as I was working, go upstairs to talk to WI, met our older daughter along the way, giggled, and then went in to talk to WI.

So what's going on?

We're done with NRE. We need a re-do. We need to start over.

Starting this summer, we flew forward at a reckless pace. It began when WI kissed AM, in total surprise to everyone (including herself) on their first meeting. It moved forward, the two of them rushing through stages of intimacy they weren't sure about, me being pulled along, our first threesomes, my first alone times with AM, their first dates - each step was exhilarating, but also too fast. We were each rushed at times, vulnerable at other times, and not respected in our desires to slow down, in general. The rush forward regularly trumped the need for safety. Sure, it was hot, and it was amazing, but we got pretty volatile in the middle. My touchstone example is one from the summer, where I asked them to go a little slower (in particular, WI was pushing for "yes or no, are we doing this or not?" and shortly after we were having our first threesome...) and was told (by both) "hey, you want the outcome, so stop complaining."

The outcome was powerful and scary. We all recognize that something Big and Important sits between the three of us. It's the process that wasn't working. The process was undermining the relationship.

I suppose one reason I haven't blogged much is that the volatility of our relationship was too confusing to write about. We'd have days of bliss followed by days of total upheaval. It got to the point where none of us could recognize triggers. It was too stressful. We were all ready for a change.

Signs were all around us. The constant volatility. The ongoing sense of crisis. We'd given her some pretty meaningful presents before Christmas, keys to our house, a gold necklace. She'd never used the keys. She pointedly could not enter our space. Also, after wearing it for a few days, she had taken off the necklace. She couldn't accept the burden of it, in a relationship where she'd been reckless and now felt too vulnerable. None of us were happy, anymore.

Friday, AM said "I'm going away." In the 48 hours since then, with plenty of tears followed by serious looks in the mirror, we've all agreed: we're all going away. But we had to change the metaphor.

We're closing the door on our past relationship. It was lovely, it was intense, and it was reckless and too fast. For each of us, insecurities were ignored and foundational issues were blown past. It wasn't good.

But, rather than break up (which is what "I'm going away" sounded like, for 24 hours), we are all on the same side of the door. We're holding hands. We're starting over. We're no longer lovers - that really hurts, but makes sense. It might come back, it might not. But we have to step back, start over. As friends, incredibly intimate and open, and aware of each other. We need to revisit the past 6 months, and talk through the things we didn't talk through. AM has a hell of a past, and many things can trigger her insecurities. But, hey, so does WI, and so do I. We all have plenty of triggers. (For example, they are lovers, but are still not sure of their bi-sexuality. They need time to accept or not, and I need time to redefine my marriage, in this context, too.)

So now we're holding hands, on the other side of this closed door. The house we lived in (figuratively) was a hell of a house. But it's time to move on, walk slowly, take slow steps and see if we're all still walking together. We're all the "slowest member in the group," and this time, we're going to honor the slowest member in a way that we didn't through the past 6 months.

Yesterday afternoon, AM insisted on holding me as we talked through this (WI insisted I have this space with AM, since AM's anger has been on me, more than on WI, but I won't go into the details, I guess). As we talked, not facing each other, but my ear against her chest, her heart was racing. As soon as I got it, as soon as she was able to say out loud that she wanted us WITH her on the other side of the door, that she wasn't leaving us, that she wanted to share this new world WITH us... her heart rate went down. Like 15 bpm. It was intense to experience. It was a physiological response as she found peace.

Last night, after I'd seen her solo, WI went to spend time with her and another friend. And there was the necklace. It looks beautiful on her. Today, when she let herself in the house with her keys, she was wearing it again.

What's broken is new again. AM can accept our gifts. We're standing here together. She is now freer to enter our house. She wears the necklace and clearly sees it as a symbol of our connection. No, we're not lovers, anymore, but right now we're something stronger. We're doing this together. Our love survives. It's time for a re-do.

I wonder what will happen next.
 
meanings of "going away"

Follow up on the last entry.

AM has used the phrase "going away" in two ways. One has been in the context of breaking apart the old relationship - but asking us to be part of what comes next. The other is in the context of difficult moments in the past few months, when something has triggered her memories of her past, and she hasn't felt safe talking to us about it. She has always said she needed to "go away."

The problem is in the metaphor. It suggests "leaving" and the others are "left."

In both cases, that's not what is happening. In the first case, AM wasn't going away. We're closing the door on our past relationship. We're breaking up with our past. And we're walking forward together.

In the second case, we've agreed that she'll stop saying "I need to go away." Again, it's not actually what she is doing, nor what she wants to suggest in the metaphor. We've agreed that she could instead say "I need some privacy, could you protect me for a while?" It's a powerfully different metaphor.
 
You man of mystery. I see you all are making some changes, but it's really hard to see why.

"Triggers," unexpressed.

Couple privilege?

Homophobia?

Still simmering jealousy at the whole idea of being poly?

When you say, "We are no longer lovers," you mean you and WI are taking a break from having sex with AM, right? I mean, you're still gonna fuck your wife, you're just re-examining having a shared girlfriend you both have sex with?
 
Thanks for asking, Magdlyn. Answering questions is helpful...

"Taking a break:" It's AM who is taking a break from having sex with us, so it was her decision. Yes, WI and I will keep having sex, and AM is pretty clear on that not being easy for her, but it's also pretty clearly not easy on us two to no longer have sex with AM, as well. We're wanting to get back to that space, just more slowly and honorably and less recklessly than before. We want it to be with the right grounding, taking the time to understand emotions rather than rushing forward. There's a lot of cuddling and holding going on - AM is pulling back from sex, though, until we're in a safe space.

Does that amount to couple privilege? Well, I mean, sure, since we're a couple and she's needing to close the door on what happened so far. But that's only one couple. We've been three couples. It hurts to have two of the three existing couples lose the sexual side. But the intimacy is there, the tenderness, even while AM wants this break, needs it for various reasons. And I'm pretty sure the sexual side will come back. It's actually cute to watch her and WI get thiiiiiis close to kissing, and then AM remembers that she shouldn't and moves her head slightly so that it's a peck on the cheek or something. The desire is still there.

"Homophobia:" I'm not sure it's homophobia for either of them. It's definitely identity - being something you haven't been in the past. They've been okay seeing each other as lovers, but have both struggled with coming out even to really close friends. Some family members know, and are deeply supportive, but mostly AM and WI stayed quiet. I don't think it's homophobia that holds them back. I think, honestly, that it's something about being bi. Both have said they don't want their girlfriends wondering "oh, has she been checking me out this whole time?" and having it affect other relationships. AM told me that she had an easier time thinking of coming out as dating a couple, but coming out as dating WI? That was different, for her. We have a lot of thinking to do there.

Given that we have to keep our relationship(s) hidden, anyway (for work reasons and more), it may never be a relevant point how they come out in public. They've started coming out to themselves, though, which is pretty damn amazing to watch. It's a struggle for both, this change in identity and self-image.

"Triggers:" I think I meant the word in two ways. AM has a painful past. Some things which people find totally normal can awaken awful memories, and I don't want to share those, even anonymously. It's her story, but it starts as a child, continues into adulthood, and you can make your own guesses. The point is that there are triggers of pain, and they aren't easy for me to recognize. I'm learning, as is WI, and AM is asking us to slow down in part to help us all accept that past and build it into our present and future. It's a major reason for us needing a re-do.

I also meant it in my own life. WI and I have a history related to EL, and we haven't spent enough time working that out. Some things we say remind us of past conversations, issues we thought we'd taken care of, things that need more talking, now. If we don't take the time to talk, we don't resolve (literally, re-solve, solve again) in this new context. For this reason, too, we need a re-do, a chance to work on our own couple-space.

"Simmering with jealousy:" Um, no? That doesn't feel right. I mean, we all have our jealousies at some point or other, we're human and all, but simmering? That just isn't the issue, right now. We have plenty of supportive spaces, plenty of happinesses related to the couple we're not a part of. Are there hard times? Well, duh. But is it some underlying awfulness waiting to burst out? That just doesn't feel right.

The issue is that we went recklessly fast, didn't slow down enough when someone felt vulnerable, and that vulnerability was too often never addressed. We want to restart, move slowly, attending to the feelings we ignored previously, while knowing where it could head.

Hope those answers clarified things.
 
Cuddling

WI and I went to AM's tonight. Kids and all required a sitter. Not a date. Just being together. Work had overwhelmed each of us, the divorce moves forward, we were too tired to be serious and talk about our many Us.

AM pretty quickly was curled up in my lap on the sofa. WI was happy and later joined us. They held hands and caressed.

As we said bye for the night, near misses on the kisses that didn't happen. Holding, lots of holding. Tenderness and attention, and holding.

I'm sad about AM pulling back sexually. Nights like tonight transcend that feeling.
Slow. Regrow. And hold...
 
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feeling quiet

After a stint of seeing AM every day, haven't seen her today. She's going through some rough moments and I'd really love to listen and be close and hold her and give her a safe space in what feel like dangerous times. She'd love to see me, too, but was with a friend last night, and another friend is spending the night tonight (sleepover for their respective sons is built into this equation).

WI and I are doing well about this. We're both really concerned for AM, right now, and trying to help her out in the next few days. This is one of those moments when the intertwined lives of a Big Family aren't intertwined enough for any of our tastes.

Ah, blah. Just having a day where I miss someone I love while she's having a hard time and I'd like to be close to her. Not sure what it adds to the blogging, or why I'm sharing it here, but I'm human. I have longings.
 
First off, thank you for sharing your story with us.

Follow up on the last entry.

AM has used the phrase "going away" in two ways. One has been in the context of breaking apart the old relationship - but asking us to be part of what comes next. The other is in the context of difficult moments in the past few months, when something has triggered her memories of her past, and she hasn't felt safe talking to us about it. She has always said she needed to "go away."

The problem is in the metaphor. It suggests "leaving" and the others are "left."

In both cases, that's not what is happening. In the first case, AM wasn't going away. We're closing the door on our past relationship. We're breaking up with our past. And we're walking forward together.

In the second case, we've agreed that she'll stop saying "I need to go away." Again, it's not actually what she is doing, nor what she wants to suggest in the metaphor. We've agreed that she could instead say "I need some privacy, could you protect me for a while?" It's a powerfully different metaphor.

This actually really resonated with me - I can relate to AM (in the second case predominantly, I think) except that my response is to tell the other person to "go away". Poor Dude, I have said this to him more times that I care to admit. It is a defense mechanism, I feel overwhelmed, smothered, claustrophobic - he is getting "too close" (to what?, I don't know - my vulnerable heavily-guarded inner self perhaps? to "real" feelings?)

I am trying to teach myself to say "Wait" or "Pause" when I feel that sense of entrapment looming...instead of pushing away...to just try to live (and breath) where we are right now...not closer, not further away...just...growing comfortable with the current level of intimacy?
 
I can relate to AM (in the second case predominantly, I think) except that my response is to tell the other person to "go away". Poor Dude, I have said this to him more times that I care to admit. It is a defense mechanism, I feel overwhelmed, smothered, claustrophobic - he is getting "too close" (to what?, I don't know - my vulnerable heavily-guarded inner self perhaps? to "real" feelings?)

AM has told us that it's a defense mechanism, like you say. It's often about having someone so close to the vulnerable spaces is scary, she says, so she needs private time to gather herself again. Then again, she doesn't feel smothered and claustrophobic, but the opposite: She has wanted us all closer together in ways that aren't humanly possible (to paraphrase: "if I saw you as often as I want to, you wouldn't be leading the life that makes me want to see you so often"). We're working on all this, even this weekend. Peaceful, in comparison to past moments, but I do miss her.

It's nice to hear someone else's words and hear the sense and honesty of them. Thanks for replying.
 
brief moment, talking about the balancing act ..

I've been at AM's the last two nights while she went through some really crappy spaces related to the divorce. Tonight WI is with AM and catching up on the details of what's going on (I share, but it's important for them to spend time together, too). She's been trying to figure out what AM wants with her, and AM's life is full - there's no time for us, and WI understands that, but is also hurt when AM wants time with me and not her. Add to this that WI wants to spend time with me, tomorrow night, and we're caught up in a huge juggling act. There aren't enough evenings for us all to see each other individually, the way we want.

There are only so many hours in the day. The most important issue in the group as a whole, right now, is AM's divorce (for various legal reasons, deadlines and such), but the grief about AM's "closed door" is still there, and it's hard to balance all that. We all grieve, but AM has no time for it, WI feels isolated as a result, and then I'm not there to help with that, so there's more isolation.

It's only a couple of days while this is happening, but it happens not to be an easy space to get through. Should be better by the weekend, once the divorce legalities are addressed. Man, this is stressful. Taking it one day at a time...
 
Hugs. Triads are fucking complicated, and I never wished for one, and yet I am kind of in one.... It's not as stressful as what you are going through, but we've had some rough moments. Feelings, sexual and emotional. Time sharing. Feeling crowded.

Example: One time, Ginger and I were fooling around in the kitchen, and he wanted to slide into me, and was just about to, as I leaned on the counter, but just then miss p walked in and said, "Oh. You're... cooking."

It was funny, we all laughed, but it ruined the sexy mood.

Things like that.

Anyway, I was lucky to have an amicable divorce from my ex. I hope AM's shit gets sorted as quickly and painlessly as possible and you all can get back to some less complicated fun times soon.
 
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