Idealist Poly Blog

Idealist Poly Blog Part 16- The polyamorous lifestyle makes them look younger!

Well, my date went well Friday night with the new guy, Tom. I was immediately very attracted to him, so that was good! We had an incredible dinner and then went to an upscale dance club. A very interesting thing happened there!!! Wow!!! Even in the Deep South…… I noticed two couples slow dancing together on the dance floor. All four of them were in a huddle and they danced the entire song like that! That is just something you don’t really see much down here, especially among people in my age group (late 40’s/early 50’s). I watched them for about 30 minutes and noticed that they would change partners and the women would dance together too. You could see that they were very familiar with one another!!! The four of them would huddle up in different configurations…..it was the perfect quad!!! My thought went immediately to my polyamory forum friends and how I can’t wait to share this!!!

Anyway…..one of the women looked like a former client of mine (Lynn). But she looked at least 10 years younger than Lynn. However, I thought “I sure would like to talk to these people, so I’ll act like I think she is my client and that will give me a way to meet them.” So, I tapped her on the shoulder and when she turned around she recognized me…..it was her. I knew them!! So, I complemented them on how good they looked etc and how much fun it looked like they were having!!! I said I need to join my date, but I’d be back.

My date agreed to move to the area where this quad was, so we did. We began to talk and share with them and soon they had included us in the fun!! And it was truly fun!! I was mainly focused on the women, since I already have so many male lovers and what I’m really missing is the female lover energy in my life. My date said that during one time in the evening, Lynn said “she is hot” about me!! So- the way we left it is that my client couple said they would like to see me again, but I’m not sure if they really meant it and if so, exactly what they meant. So- I’m going to let a week or so pass and then contact her. See if she wants to go to lunch and just talk about it with her. They are around my age, both attractive, professional people who have raised their kids and apparently ready for some fun!!!! Now that I think about it, I’m thinking it’s the lifestyle itself that has made them look so young!!!

I had an incredible night last night with John (the best lover I’ve ever had in my entire life)and I’m heading out for another outdoor concert today with Richard, so I will write about that later!!
 
Idealist Poly Blog Part 17- Good weekend- fun and sexually rewarding!!

Friday Evening: After spending the evening having dinner and dancing with Tom and the quad that we met at the club (two married couples), I headed home around midnight and had a good night’s sleep. Tom said “I’ll wait until you call me.” But he was unable to honor his own boundary. He called me when I was on the way home and then several times on Saturday as well as a few times on Sunday. He’s just glad to be free from an unhappy marriage and eager to get back out into the dating world. I think he would have spent the entire weekend with me if I would have been available and willing to. But, I am not willing to spend the entire weekend with someone I just met, so…….

On Saturday afternoon, I headed out to an outdoor Music Festival! I made my own Diet Margaritas using a recipe I’ve been working on for several years. (See recipe at the bottom of this post.) John met us out there and we stayed until around 9:00PM. He followed me home and we had some snacks and talked for a while just getting caught up with what’s been going on. We had a nice time in the Jacuzzi and then….well, you know…… he is the best lover and the evening was great!! ;) He’s Italian and very passionate. Although he is only 5’8” tall and has a few extra pounds around the middle, he is a very attractive guy!! And he was extremely loving and affectionate that night. It was awesome and something I really needed!!! :D

The focus of my relationships is based on enjoying each other’s company and not really focused on the sexual aspect of things, but I am a very sexual and sensual person. I occasionally enjoy spending the entire evening having a sexual encounter which might begin in the Jacuzzi or taking photos and work into a nice long evening of foreplay and culminating in climaxes…..as many as we feel like having.

Even though the sexual part of the relationships is only a small part of them, in terms of time spent together, it is an important part and that’s what makes this polyamory!! Because they are all sexual relationships and when the time is right, we do so enjoy that part of our connections.

John had things to do around his house on Sunday, so I was free to go about my day as I pleased. I had plans to spend the day with Katherine, but she changed her plans and decided to go with a married couple that she hangs around with occasionally. She is not sexual with them, except in a flirty way, but they do have an intimate emotional triad going on.

I called Richard and he wanted to spend the day with me, so I picked him up and we met Katherine and her friends and another group of friends out at an Outdoor Music Concert. The weather was great and the band was exceptional, so we danced a lot and had a great time. I spent the rest of the afternoon with Richard at his house and then went home to enjoy a relaxing evening.......a nice end to a wonderful weekend!!

Recipe for 2 Diet Margaritas!!! :cool: (If you consider that a regular margarita is about 800 calories and these are less than 200, you will be amazed at how you can’t tell the difference in taste at all!)

2 Ounces premium Tequila- I’ve been using Hornitos
1 ½ Ounce Grand Gala
1 ounce Roses Lime
8 ounces Minute Made Diet Lemonade
Shake vigorously with ice cubes in a shaker and then pour mixture (with ice) into two glasses.
 
Diet Margaritas

Recipe for 2 Diet Margaritas!!! :cool: (If you consider that a regular margarita is about 800 calories and these are less than 200, you will be amazed at how you can’t tell the difference in taste at all!)

2 Ounces premium Tequila- I’ve been using Hornitos
1 ½ Ounce Grand Gala
1 ounce Roses Lime
8 ounces Minute Made Diet Lemonade
Shake vigorously with ice cubes in a shaker and then pour mixture (with ice) into two glasses.

Just in time for Cinco de Mayo! Saweet!!!:D
 
Idealist Poly Blog Part 18-Difficult Weekend- lot's of emotions coming up!

I am feeling especially vulnerable, sensitive and emotional today. An in depth discussion with John last night has resulted in introspection and a lot of feelings coming up for me. :(

John expressed that he does not want to participate in the poly lifestyle. He says that it is not how he is fundamentally made at the core. It seems that our recent reconnection has made him start thinking about having a monogamous relationship with me again.

We were in a monogamous relationship for three years about 11 years ago. During that time, I was especially emotional and I was trying to fit the relationship into some sort of box….trying to define it etc. But it just wasn’t working so we broke up and it was mutual. Then, we dated for 1 ½ years and that ended almost a year ago. I was not emotional during that period and didn’t even cry when we broke up. I was extremely detached emotionally.

But after we broke up, I began to pursue the poly lifestyle and my life turned around. My heart just cracked open and I began to feel deeply. Richard, Steven and Charles were an important part of that heart opening for me. I love them all a lot.

So, almost a year later, my heart is still open and I’ve been enjoying the feelings of love, affection, passion and tenderness for Charles, Richard, Steven and John. Steven lives out of state, so I don’t get to have any physical interaction with him, but I’ve had interaction with the other guys and some female friends too.

When John came back into my life a few months ago, he initially agreed to see me without a commitment or monogamous relationship. I told him about the other guys, but he didn’t ask for details, so I didn’t go into it. I know him well and I knew that he would ask when he wanted to know more. But I didn’t expect him to have a problem with it.

I began to love him and he noticed a difference in me and how I treated him. He noticed how happy I am and he noticed how open my heart is. He thought my change was about just him and that is when he started thinking about having a monogamous relationship with me again.

It is very difficult for me and I am having a hard time with this. I have tried to explain that my heart opened last year after he and I broke up and it’s still open and that’s what he is seeing.

It seemed that I would lose him again last night. Unlike last year when we broke up and I didn’t even cry, last night I cried a lot. He is confused. He can tell that I love him and I don’t want to lose him, but he can’t understand that the reason I am able to love him is because I have Richard and Charles in my life and they are the ones who loved me and accepted my poly lifestyle…..and they are the reason my heart is open now.

I can understand how confusing it must be for him. And because my heart is so open, I feel deeply troubled about what he is going through. It’s sad when two people love one another, but they want different things……we each want a different type of relationship. And because of that, the relationship might not survive. It is, after all a common topic on this forum and that’s why I am sharing here. I know what I need to do, but any feedback is also appreciated.

I plan on spending some quality time alone for the next several weeks and just doing some projects around my house that I’ve been putting off…..things to keep my mind occupied. I have confidence in myself that I will work through this. The pain is great today, but I prefer to feel this pain than to be emotionally shut down like I was last year at this time. I am determined to get through this and stay true to myself.
 
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I plan on spending some quality time alone for the next several weeks and just doing some projects around my house that I’ve been putting off…..things to keep my mind occupied. I have confidence in myself that I will work through this. The pain is great today, but I prefer to feel this pain than to be emotionally shut down like I was last year at this time. I am determined to get through this and stay true to myself.

Sorry to hear about the circumstances, I am sure you will work through it. Thanks for sharing, and you never know, now that he knows the true situation he might come back around :)
 
Sorry to hear about the circumstances, I am sure you will work through it. Thanks for sharing, and you never know, now that he knows the true situation he might come back around :)

Thanks!! Yes, maybe, but he's extremely conservative and fairly rigid. He may come around, but it will take him a while if he does. It's interesting, because in a short time, I had fallen back in love with him. You might think that since I have 3 other male lovers that I would not really have to grieve the loss of one lover. Or that, just being with one of the other ones would serve to alleviate the grief for the loss of one.....but that is so not true!!!

BTW- Steven called today....haven't spoken to him in 2 months....I KNOW he intuited that I needed some support today because we have a spiritual soul connection. That was awesome and I may fly up North to be with him for a few days in July!!!
 
Thanks!! Yes, maybe, but he's extremely conservative and fairly rigid. He may come around, but it will take him a while if he does. It's interesting, because in a short time, I had fallen back in love with him. You might think that since I have 3 other male lovers that I would not really have to grieve the loss of one lover. Or that, just being with one of the other ones would serve to alleviate the grief for the loss of one.....but that is so not true!!!

So true. I had an interesting conversation with my wife last night about my love for our friend. I might decide to share on this site. It was a little intense haha..

either way one thing that came out of that conversation was how, regardless of how much love I get from Pengrah and how much I know my friend care for me, I still had to grieve. Its a process, as you and I discussed via PM :)

BTW- Steven called today....haven't spoken to him in 2 months....I KNOW he intuited that I needed some support today because we have a spiritual soul connection. That was awesome and I may fly up North to be with him for a few days in July!!!

Congrats, a silver lining shines through, looks like your motto works really well for you :D...
 
Idealist Poly Blog Part 19-Stop Talking and Just Do and Live

Since Sunday, I've been working on a long letter to send to John. Explaining my thoughts and feelings and the poly lifestyle etc. I held off on sending it though. One of the things he said to me when explaining what he wants was "I want someone that wants to be with just me." and "I want someone who wants to travel with me." Well- I do like travelling with John. So, instead of sending this really long letter that I've spent hours on, I sent a link for a Blues Cruise. And, I got a response!! Granted, all he said was "Interesting!" but I still thought that was cool. I know communication is important in relationships, but I have been guilty in the past of overthinking and talking too much with a partner about our relationship. So, I've decided that sometimes it's best just to focus on HAVING a relationship by doing things together and enjoying each other's company! :)

So-Sunday was difficult, but Monday was better and today I feel almost normal. But, I do find that John is on my mind a LOT which is not something I'm used to. And I haven’t spoken to him since Sunday morning when he left my house. I sent a few text messages on Sunday, but he didn’t answer them.

My friend, Katherine was very supportive and she said “stay true to yourself”. She’s a social worker and I find her to be very self-aware and I respect her feedback and opinions.

I spoke with Charles and Richard about it and they were both supportive. On one hand, it seems I have lost John because I don’t think he will be able to open himself up to polyamory. He is so concerned with “the norm”. He has spoken to some of the people that he knows and they had negative feedback for him. What do you expect in the Deep South?? If he is basing his decision on what his friends and relatives have to say about it….well, there is no way. :(
 
Idealist Poly Blog Part 20- I'm Poly and he's Mono, but I want to salvage this

My life is pretty mellow right now, which is good!! I have plans to go out of town with Richard this weekend. We will be attending a concert with a Rock Band and Philharmonic orchestra performing Pink Floyd music (my favorite classic rock!!!) Looking forward to spending time with Richard. He needs some clothes (jeans and cool T Shirts) and doesn’t have time to go shopping, so we’ll probably do some of that before we leave town Saturday afternoon. We’ll return late Sunday afternoon.

I called John yesterday and asked if we could get together Sunday afternoon or evening to talk. It will have been two weeks since he said he wants a monogamous relationship. I’m going to tell him that I respect his boundaries and that I will not ask him to participate in any Polyamorous behavior such as getting involved in a Vee with me and Katherine (which I had mentioned to him the first night we re-connected) and that he is free to be monogamous if that is what he wants, but I would like to continue seeing him.

I was just going to let it go, but I’ve decided to keep trying to get through to him because we have known each other for 11 years. The good thing about an established relationship is that you don’t have as much “getting to know one another” work to do. The relationship is easier. And….I fell in love with him again. I actually feel that I love him more than ever before. I want to tell him that too....
 
Idealist Poly Blog Part 21- Letter to John

I had a great weekend with Richard. We went out of town on Saturday, had dinner and went to a music concert Saturday evening. The rain was so bad on Sunday that we returned home earlier than planned. I dropped him off at his house and as soon as I got home, the sun came out. I called him and said I was a bit disappointed that we didn’t have more time together, but he was enjoying his afternoon, so I felt better.

I realized that I was still upset about John. I have still not talked to him, but I sent him an e-mail.

This is what I wrote and I still haven’t gotten a reply.

There are a few things I want to say to you....things I want you to know.....

First of all, I don't know why I was so shut down emotionally last year, but it didn't necessarily have anything to do with you, although it did affect you and how I related to you. I realize it now (looking back) that I was unemotional and I understand that you were trying to talk to me about it, but I just didn't want to deal with it because I didn't want to feel anything at the time. It wasn't fair to you. Of course, you deserve to be taken seriously and have your concerns addressed.

It was a surprise for me to realize recently (after we started seeing each other again this year) that I did fall in love with you again. You were right about what you saw going on with me. I was in love with you and I am in love with you. I just wanted to make that point clear. I was not trying to deny that the other night.

What I don't understand is why we can't love one another and enjoy each other's company occasionally without trying to put the relationship in a box.

The first time we dated, I was the one looking towards the future and trying to figure out where we would be- and you kept saying- I can't plan for a month from now much less a year from now. I think that statement is still true.

Now- you are working out of state. If you and I were in an exclusive monogamous relationship again, how fair is that to either of us? The logistics make it impractical.

Not only that, but I am in a phase of my life where I don't want to be in a monogamous relationship. All of my relationships have been monogamous until now, and I'm trying something different for a while.

In the last 11 years, I have only been sexual with 6 guys (including you). I have probably been on about 30 to 50 first dates within this period of time but in most cases, never even had a second date.

After we broke up last year is when I decided to live a more open lifestyle. Something happened within me and my heart finally opened up. I decided to allow myself to love as many people as I am able to love.

You expressed your feelings about my bisexual tendencies and I understand your concerns and I respect your boundaries on that. I still need to figure out some things about my sexuality and how I will express it. But I'm not confused about my ability to love.

There may be a time in my life where I would decide to pursue a monogamous relationship, but now is not that time. I believe that my happiness and the place I am in emotionally is because I have allowed myself to open myself up and I’ve decided that there are other very valid types of relationships that are loving that are not monogamous as long as they are based on honesty, respect and trust.

Being emotionally open has its drawbacks. I cried off and on all day on Sunday (the day after we went out to eat) I was ashamed of having hurt you last year and suddenly feeling really bad about it.....delayed, I know, but at least I am feeling now. I was and am also very sad about having seemingly lost you again....after getting close to you again.

I hope that by staying open, my heart will stay open and I will be more thoughtful and sensitive. I never wanted to mislead you in any way.

My perspective of me and you as a couple is this: Our temperaments are opposite in some ways. I am internally wired and I introspect about everything. It is normal for me and I tend to be more compatible with others who introspect a lot. For the most part, I am not able to introspect with you because you aren't interested in it, so although you don't realize it; when we are together, I am having to stifle a big part of myself and the way I process things. I can't truly be myself. But, on the other hand, we do share some interests and when we are doing something fun together that we both enjoy, somehow we meet in the middle and a natural compatibility happens.
The other thing that also comes up for me is the fact that life is so short and although I have probably been on 50 first dates in the last 10 years, I very rarely meet people I want to spend time with. Sexually, there has never been anyone that I have wanted to be with as much as you either. Those things are the things that draw me to you and why I keep trying to have some sort of relationship with you. I do still want to have a relationship with you, but only if we can figure something out that works for both of us.

So, yes, it is true that I was happy to be with you and spend time with you. And that I love you and care deeply for you. I know you have opened yourself up to me many times and I appreciate that. I'm sad about the thought of not seeing you anymore, but I understand if you do not want to see me.

Love always,
 
Idealist Poly Blog Part 22- Weekend with Richard and fun with Charles and Holland

I realize that emotions ebb and flow and I guess it’s possible that feelings of insecurity and jealousy might appear for me in the future, but for now I am not experiencing jealousy in my life with any of my male lovers.

I can enjoy Charles and Holland as long as I adjust my expectations of them. Their relationship is pretty dysfunctional, so I am only able to get so close to them emotionally. When we're all together, Holland seems to be okay. But as soon as Charles leaves her field of vision, she gets nervous and anxious. They fight almost daily and have done so since they met. It seems to be a normal dynamic for them and something which creates drama and keeps the intensity up for them. Although they both express that they are tired of it, they are unable to get out of the cycle. He is telling her he's poly and has said so since they first met. (I was on their first date.....how obvious is that?) She is saying "Okay". But she is also saying she's mono and wants him to convert over. He is not really listening to her and she's not listening to him. Deep down inside, they are trying to convert each other. She is not emotionally able to accept a poly lifestyle.

Their codependency on each other is so profound. I can tell that the drama of fighting, breaking up and then making up is exhilarating for them and it's a cycle that has been consistent since they met. Each of them expresses that they are tired of it, but neither are able to break free.

The codependency itself will keep them together....no telling how long, but probably for years. The ironic thing is that if either one of them would start working on their emotional health, it would ruin the relationship. They have to stay dysfunctional to keep it together.

It’s not the type of relationship I desire and therefore I have limited interactions with them, but sometimes when Richard and I get together with them we have such a great time. Like this weekend!!

I spent the entire weekend with Richard! We met up with Charles and Holland on Saturday and had such a great time going out to eat and then out dancing! The four of us are so comfortable with each other and we tend to spontaneously swap partners in public when showing affection to each other. It has gotten so second nature to us that we don’t think about it anymore. Occasionally I would notice that people would be watching us and I would remember that we are not displaying the behavior of two traditional couples. At the restaurant, I noticed a woman watching us curiously. She was with a man and another couple. They all seemed to be quite bored with one another. She seemed to be aching for a bit of excitement.

At the end of the weekend, Richard and I discussed the fact that he will be selling his house within the next year and I suggested that he may consider moving into my house for a while and we can see how that goes. We are very compatible and enjoy spending time together. He truly feels comfortable with the poly lifestyle, as do I, so we would be free to continue with our current lifestyle. It’s been a long time since I’ve considered sharing a home with someone. The only way I would be comfortable with that is if we have an established poly lifestyle and are not still experiencing jealousy etc. It was nice to talk to him about that even if it never happens. I was surprised to hear myself saying it. I’ll have to think about it for a while and see if it is actually something that I would be comfortable with in the future
 
Hi Idealist - I just finished reading your blog - and I am very touched and impressed with your openness, insight and honesty. I am intrigued by how you live your life, with passion, an open heart and a great ability to be in the moment and have a great time with those around you.

To be honest, a part of me is envious of your openness and freedom. I would love to experience the love and connection of men other than my husband - but I am very introverted, shy, self conscious and I don't open up to people easily. I am trying to change those things about myself.

Thank you for sharing your heart with us!

Kat
 
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Hi Idealist - I just finished reading your blog - and I am very touched and impressed with your openness, insight and honesty. I am intrigued by how you live your life, with passion, an open heart and a great ability to be in the moment and have a great time with those around you.

To be honest, a part of me is envious of your openness and freedom. I would love to experience the love and connection of men other than my husband - but I am very introverted, shy, self conscience and I don't open up to people easily. I am trying to change those things about myself.

Thank you for sharing your heart with us!

Kat

What are you talking about?!?!? :) Your “7 Stages of Grief” sharing on your blog was incredible!! Very insightful!! The ability to understand and work through the stages of grief is perhaps one of the most powerful things a person can do to contribute to an emotionally rewarding life.

Another thing I wanted to share with you is that, yes, I am an extrovert. But most of the people I have a deep connection with and a profound love for are introverts. When a shy, self conscious person finally trusts enough to share- it is truly a gift and a jewel to be treasured!! Thanks back!!
 
Idealist Poly Blog Part 23- can't resist Charles

I found myself sharing with Richard last weekend and one of the things I said to him was....I am trying to get some distance between myself and Charles & Holland, but I'm having a hard time resisting my attraction to Charles. It's obviously not all physical....I am drawn to him in so many ways. It really makes no sense to me either!

So- I have an opportunity to spend the weekend at the beach with Charles. We have invited Katherine and she is thinking she may meet us there. So.....I'm really looking forward to the weekend with Charles and if Katherine meets us then it will really be awesome!!!

Charles has encouraged Holland to call Richard and spend some time with him while we're gone. So, part of me is trying to move away from Charles and the other part is going out of town with him for the weekend!!

I guess, for me it's about living in the present moment. I have made a choice to spend more time with him and will continue to do so as long as our connection and time together is life enhancing for both of us!!

And maybe Holland and Richard will develop an intimacy which will help her to adjust to the poly lifestyle.....
 
Idealist Poly Blog Part 24- Weekend with Charles is over and have a date for tonight

I spent a long weekend with Charles!! I really enjoyed it!! That was the longest period of time we had ever spent together. We were compatible enough to be able to just enjoy each other's company. I didn't realize I had become sort of defensive and protective of my own heart when with him.

Since I realized that I have to move away from him and Holland, I've tried to distance myself and my feelings, even while desiring him and time with him.

Well, on the second day of the trip, he confronted me. We had a big fight and I had to admit that I had emotionally shut myself down.
The fight was a great relief....I suggest it highly :)

I felt so much better. I'm pretty tough and it's hard to get to me affectively if I'm avoiding intimacy (consciously or unconsciously) but he was able to and it was much better after that, since I just basically surrendered my need to control my own emotions.

So, back to daily life!! I felt a bit sad and melancholy about getting back to work etc., but it will be okay! :rolleyes:
 
Idealist Poly Blog Part 25- MY FIRST DATE WITH A COUPLE

I have a date tonight with a married couple. We met online and have been e-mailing and talking on the phone!! I am so excited. Tonight is a big step for me in my life. My meeting this couple is an act which symbolizes my seriousness and desire for this type of relationship. I have had this dream and desire for many many years. And although I am a person who pursues what I want, it has taken me about 10 years to address this desire of mine, take it seriously and begin to take actions in that direction.

I realize that this particular relationship may not go beyond this one date, but my excitment is about the fact that I am finally doing it. The physical act of getting dressed, driving to the restarant, meeting them and talking etc. brings my body, mind and soul together in the quest. I feel very empowered by my own decision to take action. If there is anyone reading this who would like to feel a bit more empowered, I suggest to take some action. Try (as I will do) to stay as non-attached to the outcome as possible....stay in the moment....and enjoy!!!

This forum has helped me!! Thanks to everyone who has shared your successes and struggles. I feel very isolated here in the Deep South, but this forum helps me so much and I am grateful for it!!

So- I'm going to get ready for my date and I will report back to everyone!!!
 
I have a date tonight with a married couple. We met online and have been e-mailing and talking on the phone!! I am so excited. Tonight is a big step for me in my life. My meeting this couple is an act which symbolizes my seriousness and desire for this type of relationship. I have had this dream and desire for many many years. And although I am a person who pursues what I want, it has taken me about 10 years to address this desire of mine, take it seriously and begin to take actions in that direction.

Absolutely best of luck idealist :) Sounds amazing

Have a great night

Ari
 
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