Idealist Poly Blog

Things have settled down a lot with me. Not sure why I got so emotional, but I guess it was because I had anticipated the day I would finally spend time with Lee's wife for so long that when it happened and she was more open with me than I expected, I became emotional. Life is back to normal!
 
Just wanna say hi, its been a while and I happen to keep catching your posts. :) Glad to see things and life are still on the good tracks :)
 
Just wanna say hi, its been a while and I happen to keep catching your posts. :) Glad to see things and life are still on the good tracks :)

Good to see you are still active here and sounds like things are going good for you too! Congrats on your sobriety!
 
Denial

Quote from Marcus
"While I do find denial (willful ignorance of reality) to be an unhealthy trait for the most part, that wasn't the point I was trying to make. I was merely stating that DADT is a state of willful denial. That's not a value judgment, just a rational assessment of the reality of the agreement.

I'm not sure about the world falling apart within hours, simply because all of its human inhabitants suddenly decided not to be willfully ignorant of reality but I'd be up for hearing your defense of such an interesting assertion. It would be a purely academic exercise though since there is exactly 0% chance of that happening."



I'll just state first that this is just my opinion and it doesn't matter to me whether anyone agrees with me or not. It is something I have thought about in the past and haven't given it much thought recently, but since you asked I'll present my perspective. And now that I have developed my thoughts a bit more, I think it would make in interesting book or movie!

I probably would actually prefer a world without denial, but when I follow the thought through I realize that so much is built on it that everything would have to fall apart first and who knows how it would be restructured. ....maybe it would be better in the long run, but it would be tragic at first.

Denial is what keeps people in unhealthy relationships with drug addicts, alcoholics and abusive people. It is also what prevents a parent from removing a child out of a toxic or abusive relationship or environment.

If just the denial that exists which keeps us from objectively assessing the people we are choosing to be in relationship with- a large number of relationships would end immediately....probably better in the long run because people with hurtful intentions would not be able to manipulate anyone any more. But in the beginning, it would be chaotic.

Another major area that would cause chaos (again- just my opinion) is that some of the beliefs we have based our culture on -our relationships on, our religions on simply don't make logical sense.

Monogamy is one of them. Yes- there is a part of me that is really irritated by the way our culture can deny that this simply isn't really working.

And this isn't really the place to get into religion and how much denial of reality has to exist to hold it up....so i won't get into that- although two of my favorite topics are God and Sex and I like talking about them in the same conversation!
 
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Update

I haven't written in a while because life is good, but I realize it is encouraging for others to hear about poly stories where things are working out, so I decided to give an update!

I am still seeing Richard and I love him deeply. I consider him my primary and he considers me his primary. We are comfortable with that label. If there comes a time when are not comfortable with a hierarchical term, we will discontinue using it. I know there are people on this forum that object to hierarchical terms, but IMO no matter how much you avoid the terms or labels, you can't avoid the fact that life consists of a myriad of hierarchies and it always will. But I digress.

Richard and I have known each other for 10 years and we've been poly for 3 1/2 years. We fell in love 10 years ago and struggled with monogamy for the first 7 years. Once we made a commitment to polyamory, things got better for us!

We had a period this spring where we took a break from one another for about 3 months and that was really good. In fact every separation we have had has ended up bringing us closer together.

We do not live together and probably won't any time soon. We have talked about living together after retirement, but that's not set in stone. I like my privacy and alone time and so does he. We've talked about building a house with a communal living room and kitchen in the center and two wings on each end- each with a master bedroom and bathroom. And there would also be a guest wing!

For the last 5 years or so, I have been spending time at the coast- right near Florida where the beaches are beautiful!

I was fortunate enough this year to finally purchase a condo right on the beach! I will be spending the month of November there!

I can't believe it's already been a year ago since Carrie spent time with me at the beach without her husband Gary. They have been married 37 years and she is bisexual. It was the first trip she had ever taken without her husband! I am still seeing them. My life has been so busy with the condo purchase and remodel that it has been a while, but I hope to resume that soon!

I am still seeing Lee. I invited him and Judy to spend time at the beach with me while I'm there. Today he informed me that Judy said she may not be able to go because of a wedding, but maybe he could come for a few days by himself! That is a huge step for all three of us if that happens. And if it doesn't happen- that's okay too!

I have met a couple that lives near the beach condo! We have been on 4 dates! I am equally attracted to both of them - which is not usually the case, so I am going to enjoy it as long as possible! I will call them Robbie and Bob. Last weekend we had very sweet triple spooning session where he was behind me and she was in front of me- yes- I was in the middle! Bob was kissing me on my neck and I was kissing her on her neck and she and I both had goosebumps running down our spines!

So- my main poly situation is that Richard is my primary and he has a secondary female partner. I have Lee as a secondary. Now that Judy has more trust in me, Lee and I have been getting closer and he is expressing his feelings for me- we are getting to know each other better and it's nice. He is a super incredible sexual partner too! Then- I have the 2 married couples that I am seeing and developing relationships with.

As I think back to my process in the poly lifestyle and what would I say is the single most important quality that has allowed me to be where I am today - i would say that is patience.

Also important is the ability to say "no" to a person or persons or to a relationship or relationship configuration that is not healthy.

Also important is the ability to say "yes" to the people and relationships that are healthy and in line with me and what I currently resonate with.

When things don't seem to be working out- go back to the basics. Relax about things. Don't over analyze things. Manage emotions- let them pass- don't hang on to them- stay physically healthy by getting plenty of sleep, eating right- drink lots of water and get daily exercise. I know it sounds simple, but sometimes it's good to get back to basics!
 
Wisdom.

I agree with you - patience is one of the most valuable tools in life, period. Kudos to you and your sexy-fabulous life, way to live out loud and love yourself and others. You are inspirational.
 
The interesting thing about poly (for me) has been the fact that no matter how much I read about other people's way of navigating the lifestyle, the bottom line is that there are no set rules.

This is a huge advantage for me because I am tired of operating by relationship rules that society has set down. Monogamy wasn't working for me. As a bisexual female, a monogamous lifestyle means that part of my sexuality will not be nurtured.

Alternately- The disadvantage of being in a lifestyle where there are no "agreed upon rules" is that you have to have the maturity and bravery to get started with no rules and no assurances. So- we have tried to make our own rules and when things don't work out quite like we had expected, we have the freedom and ability to re-think them.....it's actually a responsibility.

And now I realize -the security I felt (when I was following the societal norms and rules) was an illusion anyway. It is just this illusion that keeps so many of us tied to cultural "norms" since these traditions promise security.

Relationship security is a reality, but can not be guaranteed by the agreement to engage in certain cultural rituals and to follow the accompanying agreements. Namely marriage- which I have never participated in.

So- as the year draws to a close, I look back on the year that has passed and I feel good about where I am. I feel good about the relationships I have and how we are navigating through them.

I will not be participating in any of the societal "holiday rituals" this year and I'm excited about that! Richard and I will be spending the week of Christmas at the beach!

I hope each of you gets to experience and enjoy the holiday season in the unique way that you choose to experience it!
 
Polyamory is totally working for us!!!

So this is what the polyamourous lifestyle is all about! One of the things that is difficult for people to realize is that there is no one set way to do it.

This is how we are doing it. Richard has three girlfriends besides me. One of them is his ex wife -they were married for one year when they were about 20 years old. This is an LDR so they only get to spend time together maybe once or twice a year.

The other one is a Spanish speaking girlfriend that he has had for a while and they lack the ability to communicate since he doesn't speak Spanish and she doesn't speak English but they seem to be able to communicate in their own way.

The third woman is someone he has recently met and she is into the "friends with benefits" mentality. Apparently the last guy she was with was very possessive so she needs a little bit more freedom from that. Which makes her a good partner for him since she lives right where he lives during the week. She invited him over for dinner tonight so that is where he is at right now.

I am really excited about the new guy that I have met and am anticipating spending time with him next week! Polyamory is a new concept for him but he seems to be in the right place in his life to be able to embrace it. Because I like to hear about Richard's sexual experiences with his women, I offered my new guy a chance to hear about my sexual experiences with Richard. It took him a few days to process this and we were able to talk about it a few days later.
Come to find out -he felt that he would rather be with me rather than hearing about me being with Richard. I get that -but I explained compersion to him and encouraged him to start tapping into that energetic pattern.

It has been 4 years since I was formally introduced to the idea of polyamory. I am happy with the way everything is working out for me and for Richard. It is not that often that I meet someone that I really connect with mentally so this guy is cool and I am feeling a bit of NRE for the first time in quite a few years.

I have a nice profile with a really good photo gallery on a swinger site and I have met a lot of awesome people through that sight. A few weeks ago I was contacted by this guy that (because of life circumstances) finds himself completely free. He is an absolute pleasure to be with and a pleasure to talk to! We will be spending a week together next week! The awesome part of it is that Richard is so supportive of this relationship!

We are living this lifestyle the way that we want to live it. There needn't be any judgement from anyone about how someone else lives a poly lifestyle. Richard and I are actually getting closer and thinking about building a house together in the future. The way that this lifestyle is working out for the two of us makes me feel more comfortable committing to sharing a household with him.

We have hit a few little speed bumps on the way but nothing major has come up for us. Never in his wildest dreams did he think he would have four girlfriends at one time. But he is a natural at it and he loves it. He is an emotional guy so it has taken him awhile to relax and not feel that he has to worry about everybody. The main issue that he has dealt with is that the girl friends become possessive and want to own him. In the very beginning of every relationship he lets the women know that he is not going to engage in a monogamous relationship with them- So when they become possessive and start asking or expecting that -he is able to remind them about their initial conversations. And all of the conversations continue throughout the relationship -sometimes women are listening but not listening if you know what I mean.

So I just wanted to share this with everybody because we have had way more positive experiences since we entered this lifestyle than we have had negative experiences.

I contribute this to a variety of things:

Don't sweat the small stuff.
Be in touch with what you want and what you don't want.
Stay true to that.
Be authentic and live in the moment.

All of that is resting on a foundation of emotional health which has been achieved by therapy and other self awareness endeavors.

Be always ready and willing to work on your own emotional wellbeing and growth.

That's it for now and I welcome comments and/or questions!
 
Going on my 5th year as a poly female, it's cool to look back and realize that I have not questioned my poly nature once in these last 4 years.

The decision to openly live an ethical non-monogamous lifestyle has been the right thing for me and I am growing and opening myself up to experience deeper levels of emotional intimacy.

Poly gives me a freedom that I seem to need and with that freedom, I have more courage.

Going on 12 years together, Richard and I are falling in love again! We have set up a lifestyle that works for us! We use the word primary to describe each other and we will end a secondary relationship that seems to threaten our primary relationship.

We do not live together and never have. We are considering building a country home together to live in after retirement. Check out the attached floor plan which has two master wings!! We would add a Guest Bedroom too!

We had a lot of boundaries in the beginning, but those boundaries are gradually opening up. As I see Richard's love for me and his commitment to our future together (without any sort of formal declaration) and he sees the same in me, we are able to loosen up and let go of the superficial protective measures we had set up in the beginning.

At the same time, we know what we each need in order to feel the freedom that we both thrive in!
 

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I love reading your posts, and am thrilled to hear that you and Richard are falling in love yet again; I was just talking about experience with a girlfriend on the phone today. Your floor plan is so simple and sexy; time to yourself, or shared time. It allows autonomy while still being bonded in the common are, and I love the placement of the spa!
 
When polyamory is working!!!

Polyamory- my story after 4 years in the lifestyle.

I am polyamorous for two main reasons.

1- monogamous relationships make me feel trapped.

2- I'm bisexual so monogamy doesn't work for me considering that when I have chosen a mono partner of one gender, the other part of myself has to go unsatisfied.

So- after 4 years of being full committed to the poly lifestyle, I am so realizing the great advantages and I want to share them with you.

Last weekend, I was able to spend a lot of time with my two guys- Richard and Lee. And it was awesome to see them getting to know one another better too!

Not only that, but I had dated an awesome lesbian (Brenda) for a short time three years ago and we have started seeing each other again.

As I look back at my thoughts, feelings and behaviors towards her, I realize that I was totally trying to control things and I wanted her to fit into my idea of what my poly social life should look like.

She expressed that she accepted my poly lifestyle and that she felt more comfortable with a DADT situation with me and that she would prefer to be kept in her own compartment within my life- without a desire to intermingle socially with my other partner(s).

At the time, this was not acceptable to me because I had a vision of what life would be like for me as a poly person. And in that vision, all of the people that I am serious about would know one another and would like to become a sort of community.

I still hold that vision, but now I know that maybe my vision has some room for expansion and growth. Maybe I can't come up with a perfect scenario for myself and my partners in terms of how we will all interact socially.

I have started seeing her again because I realize that she excites me and I enjoy her company. I enjoy talking with her and being with her. I like the way she responds to me and she seems to enjoy the way that I respond to her. I am physically attracted to her and she is attracted to me also!

We are taking it slow.....really slow and it feels right!

At the same time, Richard is seeing two different women outside of our relationship and I did have the opportunity to meet one of them and get to know her better!

Other people in the lifestyle talk to us about guilt and jealousy but we haven't really dealt with either of those emotions very much at all.

For us, it just seems to be that this lifestyle is natural. We get it. It makes sense to us. We made the decision to walk away from all cultural norms and now we are figuring out how we will proceed and making sure we are open to adaptation while we go!!!

This is really working for us! It requires an authentic commitment to the lifestyle and everything it stands for. I hope everyone reading has been able to have as much enjoyment and fulfillment as we have had!
 
Inspiration

Just want to call attention to the good work you do and the success stories you bring to this forum, and that it is a great example of how Poly does work, and work well. Thanks for sharing and creating a positive example, it is what I am creating and working towards. Much respect.
 
Just wanted to check in with the poly community and share what is going on in the Deep South!! I have been living an active polyamorous lifestyle for 4 ½ years. I still have (what I call) a primary male partner (Richard) and am seeing my lesbian ex-lover, Brenda again. We had seen each other for a while- broke up- and now are seeing each other as friends. I am still seeing Lee with the permission of his wife and that is going good! I spend a lot of time with Dee when we get together at the condo on the beach and am spending a lot of time with Bette. We were childhood friends and have recently re-connected---- super fun!!

Polyamory offers the opportunity to step out of the cultural mindsets and see if you can “make it up as you go along”. It requires a great deal of emotional maturity and demands the ability to be honest and authentic. This lifestyle is working for me. (As a Certified Life Coach) I am available to offer support for anyone that would like feedback. If you resonate with the way I have been navigating the lifestyle (skim over some of my blog entries) and if you think I may be able to offer you support or guidance, please private message me.
 
Trust and Honesty

The ability to trust oneself and be honest with oneself is the key to healthy relationships.

If things aren't exactly going our way, it is easy to blame that on someone else. But looking towards someone else for our sense of well-being is counter productive. Each individual is responsible for their own sense of inner peace and each individual has everything they need deep down inside to fulfill their own needs, wants and desires.

Yes, it is nice to have a partner (or more) as well as friends and family to share life with and to enjoy life with. However that is not the same as looking towards that partner or those friends or family members to fulfill a perceived gap within that can't be filled by anything another human being has to offer.

So why even have relationships? Because relationships allow us to experience love in it's true and pure form, if we can get our personal self-structure to step aside and allow the pure love to shine through.

Continuing to look within to the deepest part of yourself will enable the Pure Love to awaken within you and that Pure Love will begin to shine on and illuminate everything you encounter and everything you see!
 
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Checking in with Great News!!!

It's been a year since I posted last and l and I wanted to share some positive things about the lifestyle for those of you who are still not sure if it will work for you or not.

Richard and I have remained in the lifestyle now for 5 1/2 years. The main components we have stayed focused on are trust, respect and honesty. Open communication is the most important part of living a polyamorous lifestyle.

We entered the lifestyle – as a lot of people do – with the idea that we would find a woman that could join us in our relationship. And then we thought maybe we could find a couple that we could see regularly and have a long-term relationship – basically a quad is what we hoped to find.

But as the years went on, relationships with others have come and gone. I would say that we have relationships with about eight couples and a handful of singles, but they are all casual and I wouldn't consider that any of these feel that we are developing a serious long-term connection. Just maybe "friends with benefits" which – there's nothing wrong with that at all! :)

And we have accepted that and have been enjoying meeting new people spending time with them and accepting that we will probably all go our own ways.

But I met a couple two years ago and really liked them a lot. They live in the area of my beach condo. Richard's work schedule has prevented him from spending a lot of time there so he only had the opportunity to meet them on one occasion and it ended up just being a social meeting at a restaurant since I had a vanilla friend with me also.

I continued to see the couple I will call them (Robbie and Bob) and I started spending time with her one on one and doing things with her and other girlfriends and one night she told me she thought she was in love with me.

I began to take the relationship more seriously but I really wanted Richard to have another opportunity to be around her and her husband to see how things might develop.

Richard purchased a Country home and Farm just 30 miles north of my beach condo which has been great! Well- come to find out- his house is 10 minutes away from Robbie and Bob's house! And that just happened- you could say it is a coincidence!!

So, since Richard has had a break in his work schedule that opportunity came about a month ago for the four of us to get together. We invited them to his Country house!! And to my great delight Robbie and Richard really hit it off!

We had our second official date – all four of us – last night. And it went very well. Richard and Robbie spent a lot of the evening just kissing and being affectionate to one another......basically getting to know one another.

It makes me so happy to have a couple that has shown up in our lives and the compatibility seems really great -all four ways. She is bisexual and she and I are very attracted to each other and feel really close to one another.

Neither Richard nor Bob feel threatened if she and I want to get together without the guys and invite another guy over for a sexual evening which we have done several times!

The guys are straight so there is no question about them getting along sexually but as far as guy talk and feeling comfortable with one another -they definitely do seem to like each other.

I just wanted to share this because I know a lot of couples get discouraged but my message is to stay true to yourself -learn how to set boundaries and say no and be able to say yes when something good comes up. Honor one another and honor each other's boundaries. Talk a lot --share -trust each other and always be honest and give each other freedom while always being there for each other.

I enjoy Bob sexually and he's got a pleasant personality also so that's great too! I am excited to see how our relationships develop and deepen through time.

It's one thing to be open to meeting other people and getting to know them and being sexual with them – that in itself it has been extremely fulfilling satisfying and exciting!

But seeing the potential of long term relationship development starting to unfold is great!! Give things time….be patient and always true to the most ethical boundaries that you can honor….and try to raise them also if necessary. Keeping the highest ethics possible goes a long way to setting the stage for something wonderful and when the wonderful comes along, the foundation is solid!!

Feel free to message me- I am a Life Coach and glad to be a sounding board for anyone who is navigating this (sometimes crazy) lifestyle!!
 
6 years as a Polyamorous Woman- it's working for me!!!

I have hit the 6 year mark of living a polyamorous lifestyle. The meaning of this has changed a lot during the last 6 years and again I find myself re-defining this term and how it is being expressed in my life.

I just turned 59 years old and of course my focus is changing. I am not as focused on the physical/sexual aspects of my relationships and am more focused on the emotional intimacy.

I like the freedom that I feel deep within as a polyamorous woman. The fact that all of my partners also like having that freedom makes it really work for all of us.

Looking back and thinking back to all of my experiences, there have been some difficult times, but these conflicts weren’t because of the polyamory but mainly because of dysfunctional behavior and/or unresolved emotional issues.

If everyone can be as sensitive, open, honest and caring as they can- then the relationships will thrive. But just like in monogamous relationships, if anyone is having personal issues, those usually affect the relationship.

So- working on emotional maturity is always a good idea whether you are mono or poly. And once a relatively firm foundation has been established, then things work out- in my experience.
 
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