Idealist Poly Blog

idealist

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Idealist Poly Blog part 1

Welcome!! This blog is an effort to sort out my thoughts and feelings about my personal journey and to share with others for entertainment and to offer support and validation. The names have been changed for anonymity. Any feedback is welcome.

Born and raised in the Deep South, I am a 52 year old single female, and I’ve never been married. Living alone for 10 years now, I have created a life that works for me. At this time in my life, I have 4 male lovers and a female friend that I would like to eventually call my lover.

At the age of 16, I wanted to have sex for the first time with my boyfriend of almost 2 years, but he was either too scared due to inexperience and not knowing what to do, or his Catholic upbringing had convinced him that it was wrong. No matter what the reason, he broke up with me- probably because of the pressure. I was very disappointed and felt grief, sadness and confusion upon losing him. That was when my virginity seemed like a burden rather than anything special or desirable, so I had sex for the first time with a stranger just to get it over with.

A year later, I hooked up with a 21 year old guy and lived with him for 4 years. It was a very sexual relationship and we would occasionally have sex with other couples that we knew. It was quite exhilarating for me, having been extremely sheltered in my life up to that point. I enjoyed the spontaneity of the lifestyle and often felt an underlying sense of tension and anticipation of what would happen next. We would develop close friendships with other couples and those connections would usually become sexual. I eventually outgrew the relationship and left it when I was 21.

For the following 10 years, I was single with lots of friends. I found myself initiating sexual connections with friends, (male and female) as well as creating environments which felt safe for groups to have sexual experiences. Even now, I occasionally run into someone who remembers me because they had been invited to a group gathering over 25 years ago!
 
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Idealist Poly Blog part 2

As that lifestyle began to lose interest for me I considered a lesbian lifestyle and started seeing a woman I met at a party. She moved in with me right away and we lived together for about a year. She had emotional issues which was confusing for me, so in an effort to understand some things about her and my feelings, I found a therapist and started seeing her weekly. Therapy was amazing and to this day I am so glad that I stuck with it. (I saw the same therapist off and on for almost 15 years and if an issue came up today that I needed help with, I would call her). So, after a few years of therapy, I started going to AA. The Twelve Steps helped me start becoming more conscious of who I am and why I made the choices I had made up to that point.

This process opened me up to the desire for my first serious monogamous relationship. At the age of 30, I met Pattie and we became involved. After dating for 1 year, we moved in together and eventually purchased a home together. We were together for 12 years. We were monogamous and only once did I have a thought or desire for sex outside of the relationship. I was open with her about it, I resisted the urge and it passed. This was an emotionally healthy relationship since we were both in recovery and were able to practice great honesty.

My years of therapy and honesty with myself, however, resulted in my leaving her so that I could pursue a heterosexual lifestyle. It took me two years to get through the grief process. I felt a lot of guilt for hurting her.

That was 10 years ago and in these last ten years, I have had 7 monogamous relationships with men.
 
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Idealist Poly Blog part 3

So these are the guys that I've been in monogamous relationships with in the last 10 years. Four of them are currently part of my Poly Family.

Randal- My first lover was Randal and he affected me, my life, my thoughts and emotions in a major way. We were business associates and just connected right away. He was very spiritual and that was what I liked about him. We were only together for 2 months. He died about a year after we broke up.

Edward- Edward was also a business associate that I had known for many years. He was single at the time, and safe. We dated for 6 months. We are platonic friends now and still talk and get together occasionally.

John- Shortly after ending the relationship with Edward, I met John standing in the check-out line at Home Depot. There was in instant chemistry between us. We were together almost 3 years. We broke up for about 4 years and then we were together for 1 ½ years again. (See below) We have kept contact and are currently lovers- he is part of my Poly family. He is not currently seeing anyone else, but he is free to do so if he chooses.

Steven- I met Steven at a Convention. Although he lived in another state, we had a long distance relationship which lasted one year. We have also remained in contact and although he lives in another state, I consider him part of my Poly family now.

Richard- After the long distance relationship with Steven, I desired more daily contact, so I signed up with an online dating service and that is how I met Richard. We were also together about 3 years. He is part of my Poly family now also. He does tend to prefer monogamous relationships, so he occasionally dates other women and he will probably get involved in a monogamous relationship eventually and our relationship will become platonic.

John- Dated John again for 1 1/2 years. Towards the end of this part of my relationship with John is when I started thinking that monogamy wasn't working for me. I wanted the freedom to see other people. We went 8 months with no contact. Then, I contacted him and explained about my lifestyle and asked if we could see each other, under these new conditions. He agreed.

Charles- It was love at first site when I met Charles. I met him at a night club. He is the only one of my current lovers that I have never had a monogamous relationship with. He has a primary lover (Holland) and I am his secondary. I am pretty close to Holland and we have a good relationship too.
 
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Idealist Poly Blog Part 4- Rigorous honesty

Many individuals have developed a manner of living that relies heavily on deception and manipulation as a means of self-preservation. It can become a habit and even unconscious. I was shocked when I became fully conscious of how capable I am of manipulation and deception. My experiences with therapy, 12 step recovery groups and interaction with a spiritual teacher brought me to a point where I wanted to be more honest….that was the first step for me. I found that there is great freedom in honesty.

The next step, for me, was honesty with myself. How I have avoided that! It’s not easy to be honest with yourself, especially when your thoughts, feelings, beliefs and/or desires are not in line with what is considered “normal” in the society where you live. Being an extrovert (not that introverts don’t struggle with this) I have struggled with the need and desire to be accepted. So- one of the things I spend a lot of time and energy on is developing and nurturing a peer group of individuals who have similar lifestyles or similar values, and who are operating from a similar level of consciousness with the desire to live an honest life. I believe this forum is an example of that, for me, and that is why I am sharing my story here.
 
Idealist Poly Blog Part 5- Values

Becoming aware of and identifying what my core values are has been a very important process for me in becoming more conscious and honest with myself. I found a list of values which is quite exhaustive. (I’ll attach it to this post as a PDF. let me know if you would like a txt version) One week, I went on a vacation with a few friends and we brought the values list and each studied it and worked on identifying our core values by choosing the ones that are most important to us.

I’m going to share how I use it, but first some of my personal thoughts about life in general to lay the groundwork.

I can spend energy creating environments which are conducive to certain things like motivation, romance, success, love, etc. but the only thing I can actually control in terms of my place in the world and my interactions with others is how I react or respond to each circumstance which is presented to me in each moment. I have come to believe that I am the thinker; not my thoughts. And as a result, I can manage my own thoughts, beliefs and subsequently behaviors. I can be aware of my emotions and do not have the desire to control them, but I can allow them to flow and remain aware of them. So- how to react in the moment to a circumstance?? That’s when awareness of values comes in.

We all can (and do) make split second reactions and responses daily to people and events in our lives. What is driving my reactions? Well, we all know….. A lot of things can cause a reaction. But, I believe that becoming aware of our values; you might say bringing them out into the open will result in our responses and reactions being driven by what we value.
And as a result, we begin to create more in our life which supports our values.
So- that’s how I use the Values List.

It has been an awakening process for me and my friends. We have really discovered some interesting things about ourselves by studying our values lists. One of the things worth mentioning here is this:

I have come to believe that many life struggles are a result of conflicting values.........and the desire to satisfy some of my own conflicting values is what has landed me in a polyamorous lifestyle.
 

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Idealist Poly Blog Part 6- the weekend

My weekend was good! I went out to dinner with Katherine on Friday night. The weather is so good this time of year in the South, so we found a restaurant where we could sit outside. We had these delicious drinks….basically a cosmopolitan on the rocks……I like mine with a premium vodka like Belvedere, with Grand Marnier, cranberry juice and a twist of lime. We had crab cakes and fish tacos!! We talked and enjoyed each other’s company.

I know I am bisexual and that having women to love in my life is very important to me. Since I’ve already been in a lesbian relationship for 12 years; and I found that I missed having a male partner…….I have struggled with having to choose between a heterosexual lifestyle and a lesbian lifestyle.

If sexual orientation is something a person is born with, but lifestyle is something a person chooses……then how do you live a bisexual lifestyle? This has been my dilemma. Until now……polyamory is the answer for me.

So- Katherine is not in a place where she is willing to let go of having male lover(s). She identifies herself as bisexual without ever having acted on it (except for once with me. I had introduced her to a guy I’ve known for many years, but I’ve never been romantic or sexual with him. She and he hit it off and the three of us ended up having a sexual three way which was very fun and enjoyable for all of us. But…..sadly…..a week or two later, the guy decided to enter into a monogamous relationship with a woman he had dated recently. She wanted to get back together and he agreed. So, it was disappointing to me and Katherine because we were looking forward to more time together as a triad). So- anyway; we talked Friday night about finding a guy that we both like and feel compatible with to form a triad or V with. So, I am really happy about that. Considering that we (she and I) are both soooo picky about the people we become involved with, and the fact that we don’t tend to be attracted to the same type of guys, it seems like an impossible thing, but we are just going to “put it out there” and see what happens.

I found it funny that she and I ended our evening fairly early which meant I was already home by 9PM when Charles called and wanted to know where we were. I had told him and Holland that I would be with Katherine that evening and he had gotten a “yard pass” from Holland to come out and find us. I don’t think he is the guy that Katherine and I are looking for. Holland is his primary and although she and I get along well, the two of them (Charles and Holland) are pretty co-dependent on each other. Charles and I have been able to manage to continue our relationship, but I’m not willing to attempt bringing Charles into a V with me and Katherine. The reason is because Holland is new to this lifestyle and I don’t want to be the one to cause her discomfort. I know her well enough and I know what she is okay with for now. I can introduce her to guys for now, but will hold off on introducing Charles to other women (for now).

Charles did end up spending the night with me and he was so sweet. It was so obvious that he just wants to be loved. And having two women who love him (in very different ways) is something he is really enjoying. Charles is interesting (like a lot of guys, I guess) because he often looks like a biker (with tattoos and lots of leather) but after making love when he is lying there, vulnerable….well OMG……that is why I can’t give up male lovers. That sweet time with a man is the most precious thing!!

I spent Saturday evening with Richard since his daughter got married. It was good because I got to see two of his brothers and two sister-in-laws along with nieces and nephews that I haven’t seen in several years. The wedding was fun….I was glad I brought my iPod with party music since we were able to hook that up to the sound system and I managed to get everyone up dancing at the reception!!!

Richard spent the night Saturday night and I just loved him!!! It was an awesome night too. It was fairly early when we got home from the wedding and we weren’t ready to go to sleep yet. I dressed in my stockings with high heels, garter belts etc. under a dress and did a strip tease for Richard which was something I had never done with him (even though we’ve known each other for around 6 years). He loved it!!! He is my sweet man…..we have such an emotional connection. We were “friends first” when we met and that friendship has continued on. I feel very fortunate in my life right now.

Everything isn’t going as good as my love life. The economy has really hurt my business and we are struggling in that arena. So- I’m going to post this and head to the office!
 
Idealist Poly Blog Part 7- Fear of Being Trapped

During my years of therapy, I realized that I have a "fear of being trapped" when I'm in a relationship. This "trapped" feeling has come up in every monogamous relationship I've been in. I have chosen partners who are not possessive or jealous because I have known that I could not live with that. But no matter how much freedom I had, there would be an underlying feeling of being trapped and eventually it would create enough turmoil deep within me that it would affect my ability to love my partner and feel contentment in the relationship.

I have always thought that this was “my issue” and assumed that it was not necessarily a common thing that a lot of people are dealing with. But, now I’m not so sure and I wonder if this, or something like this is one of the things that lead people to have affairs and possibly one of the things that ends people up in the poly lifestyle.
 
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Idealist Poly Blog Part 8- John,Charles and Holland

I went out with a group on Thursday evening and Charles and Holland were part of the group. Holland wanted to leave early, but Charles wanted to stay, so he stayed and then he spent the night with me that night.

Thursday was the evening we had planned that I was going to introduce John to Charles and Holland. I have known John about 8 years, but I had not spoken to him for 8 months until a few weeks ago. I explained my lifestyle and asked if we could start seeing each other under the new conditions. He agreed.

But, Charles and Holland didn’t really like John on Thursday night. Part of the reason is that John had been out of town and had driven in (a 3 hour trip) to meet us out. On the other hand, we had been out eating and drinking for 3 hours together. He was kind of quiet and maybe didn’t really feel comfortable.....not in the same space. But, anyway….. we have a trip planned together (the 4 of us) next weekend. They have agreed to go ahead with the trip and see how it goes. I know how difficult John can be socially, but I have a great deal of respect for him and I trust him completely. So…..I’m a little nervous about it and I am having some regrets for mentioning the trip to John before Charles and Holland had a chance to meet him. I went to a movie and out to eat with Charles and Holland this evening. John was calling me and said “I would have met you guys” but I said, “Well it was a spur of the moment idea.” I really wanted to talk to them about John and they were honest to say that their first impression was that they did not feel compatibility with him, but they were willing to give it another try next weekend.

So.....that's what's going on and I hope everyone gets along next weekend!!! But, if not, I'll just see John seperately from Charles and Holland. This process has helped me to realize that I really like getting together with groups for socializing. And when everyone is compatible, it is really magical!!!
 
Idealist Poly Blog Part 9- thoughts about love and polyamory

Immediately after I read “The Ethical Slut” (a short 2 months ago) and joined this forum, I understood Polyamory. Giving the lifestyle a name and meeting people online who are living the lifestyle was the last piece in the puzzle for me. I understand the lifestyle to the core of my being. And, I have been explaining the lifestyle to the people who are important to me. We were functioning as “friends with benefits” before this piece of the puzzle was put in place for me.

I know my male lovers want to develop long term relationships. The thing about falling in love and surrendering yourself completely to a partner is that eventually the relationship ends and you have to suffer. Your lover goes away and you miss them and have to grieve the loss. So, these guys (my lovers) are not afraid of falling in love, but they are trying to avoid being hurt again. Which makes me think that maybe sometimes; we avoid falling in love, not because we are afraid of love, but because we are trying to avoid the pain which inevitably follows the loss of a lover.

These guys really enjoy the idea of this lifestyle and so far, the experiences we have had. They are really anticipating future get-togethers. I can hear the excitement in their voices as they talk about the future possibilities and I know they are excited about the sexual part of the lifestyle and the freedom. But, when I gently remind them that this is about long term relationships and forming connections with people that we can love because we trust each other and we can be completely honest with each other- their faces literally light up and it seems that their hearts just open up right there in front of me.

It seems that we do want exciting sexual experiences, but we also want to love and be loved. And we believe that this lifestyle is a way to experience love without the desire to possess one another. It seems that the desire to possess a lover is one of the things which will ruin an otherwise healthy relationship.
 
Idealist Poly Blog Part 10- focusing on the quad

I had a nice conversation with Richard this week. He stayed out of town last weekend because of his work. I sent him a video of Charles dancing and cutting up on Thursday night. He replied “F*ck…..I miss you guys!!!” The four of us (me, Richard, Charles and Holland) do have really good compatibility as a foursome.

Early on, Charles and I encouraged Holland and Richard to spend some time alone together so they could establish a connection and they did. They became sexual much to our delight. So, now when we all get together, she feels comfortable with both guys; as do I. I’m not really seeing me and Holland becoming sexual, but it’s possible.

But, now that I think about it, we have never had an evening with just us four. It’s really my fault because I tend to get into the idea that “the more the better” when getting people together, but we all know….that’s not always true. It’s hard to find a nice intimacy with large groups. So, I promised Richard that we would plan some good quality time together…..just us four…..really soon!! And I sent a message to Charles and Holland about it.

Anyway- as I expected, Richard did have a woman (Cherie) over for several days during the weekend. She relaxed and watched TV during the day while he was at work. He likes having someone to come home to because he gets lonely. He has known her for a while and has seen her casually, but this was the most amount of time they have spent together. I don’t mind if he wants to keep her isolated from all of us. He did send me a photo of her. He has not shared with her about his lifestyle over here. And, although I know this lifestyle is based on complete and total honesty, it doesn’t bother me if he wants to have a lover out of town that doesn’t know about all of us.

So, I told him that I posted a note on my blog about how he would probably get into a monogamous relationship and then our connection would become platonic. He said, “I don’t see that happening any time soon, so you can go write that.” He suffered a great deal the last time he “fell in love” with a woman and it didn’t work out. He’s soooo emotional…….

I had to tell him that I have a trip planned for this weekend with John, Charles and Holland and that I really wish he was going with me instead of John. I can’t imagine having Richard and John together since John is just now meeting Charles and Holland. It’s just too many unknowns. But anyway- he said “I’m sure you guys will have fun and I’ll work part of the weekend again since you guys won’t even be in town”

I had introduced him to a woman named Susan about 4 months ago and they had liked one another. They had been trying to find time to get together again and couldn’t seem to coordinate their schedules, so I suggested that he might go out with her on Saturday night while we’re out of town. We all know her too and she may be open to joining the group. The only way to know is to get to know her better. He agreed. To be honest, if he goes out with Susan, it will help him to not hyper focus on Cherie. I don’t mind if he decides to get into a monogamous relationship, but to be honest, I don’t think it’s the best thing for him right now and it’s a selfish thing too. I enjoy having access to him and am looking forward to some intimate time with our foursome!

I know it seems like "too much" at times, but people come and go from our lives and I'm trying to develop a few Vs, quads, and whatevers so there will be options for me and for them. As people drop out, new people are coming in. It takes time to establish trusting relationships and you can't tell where things are going...... it's all good :p
 
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Idealist Poly Blog Part 11- Erotica

I went out tonight with Charles and Holland. They are primary lovers, but have only been together about 6 to 8 months. They are talking about getting married and I think it might be a good match. I've known Charles longer than she has and she's been feeling insecure about our past....without her. I have a hobby that I enjoy and Holland knows about it. I like to set up my tripod and my camera with a timer to capture erotic moments. I've done a lot of things by myself, but Charles was willing to participate, so that is one of the things that we like to do together occassionally and I have quite a collection of photos that I like. Holland accidentally ran across one of them last night on Charles computer and it bothered her. Having the image in her mind was difficult for her. Tonight, she asked me if she could see more of the photos of me and Charles. I resisted it for over two hours to see if she would just let it go, but she said, "I need this"

I have to admit, that part of me didn't want to share with her this intimacy that he and I have which is personal between the two of us.

But, I know the poly lifestyle is more of a struggle for her. She didn't choose it, but she is having to try it out if she wants to be with Charles and she does. So, I agreed.

I chose 5 photos. They start out where we are standing, kissing and fully clothed, I'm in leather and he is in jeans and T Shirt. And they end up with us naked (except my stilettos) and I'm standing, bent over with him entering me from behind.

She actually seemed relieved, but we'll see what happens next as she processes this.

I think she is really brave. And it makes me love her.
 
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Wow she is brave! I can't imagine asking to see those types of pictures with Redpepper in them unless she was with Polynerdist. Other than that I have zero interest in that level of detail LOL! Basically I just want to know that she is intimate with her partners. I only need to hear it once and then I have no need to hear about it LOL! That's between her and them.

Good for her, I hope she does well with it all. Take care and thanks for your continued sharing :)
 
Wow she is brave! I can't imagine asking to see those types of pictures with Redpepper in them unless she was with Polynerdist.

Thanks for the feedback Mono! I know, her bravery brought tears to my eyes. But on the other hand, you have to realize that I didn't want to share them with her. I wanted to keep that from her. But, she and I are trying to develop that type of trusting relatationship (that you have with Polyderdist) and she asked me to show them to her. I think she is trying to get to an acceptance of he and I together and because her level of trust in me has increased, she felt ready to face my relationship with Charles on another level. I think she had been working herself up to it for quite a while and was finally ready. It was like jumping off the cliff for her. She was at the edge and had to jump last night. She was so desperate to see the photos and after two hours of trying to avoid it, it almost seemed to me that I was being cruel to her. I can actually really relate to where she was. Anyway, I think it was a relief for her because she is starting to feel compersion......:)
 
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Idealist Poly Blog Part 12- Laughter is miraculous

The weekend went great with me, John, Charles and Holland. I was worried about whether or not John and Charles would be compatible- (only as friends, John is completely heterosexual) because they are total opposites. :rolleyes:

John is a Construction/Engineer Project Manager who has financially raised two sons alone and now they are young adults pursuing being a lawyer and a trauma nurse. Now that they are on their way to adulthood, John has the freedom to take a position out of state- which he has done and is making the highest salary of his career which says a lot considering he is about 55. He will be financially independent in 3 to 5 years.

Charles, on the other hand has lost everything 3 times. He’s in a phase of his life now where he has nothing. He hasn’t contributed to the raising of his adult daughter except to pay her cell phone bill for the last year. He’s one of those highly charismatic people and everyone likes him. He is incredibly compassionate and generous. Sometimes I feel inadequate when I observe how caring he is. And……There is something really compelling about a person who has nothing, since they are not attached to physical things and they have a type of freedom. But I don't respect the fact that he hasn't contributed to the financial welfare of his daughter. Respect is something I need to feel for a person that I am intimately involved with for a long term relationship. So- I guess I don't see him as long term.......

I have allowed myself to love Charles, but it’s with the realization that I will eventually have to suffer as I will miss him greatly when he has to “move on” to another place like he does, drifter that he is. I have realized in my life that following great love, is usually great suffering. This is what I anticipate to happen with me in relation to Charles. But I am not a person who has regrets. I enter each relationship with full awareness and consciousness. I manage my expectations accordingly. It has definitely been worth the amount of emotional energy I have invested so far.

I had my first glimmer of what a V could be like in general. It happened to be with Charles and Holland last week and it was thrilling, but now I do not think I will pursue that with them. They are too co-dependent on one another and individually they do not have the self awareness that I need to feel safe. Although the four of us had the greatest time the weekend! There was no sexual energy about the weekend since it was John’s first time to be around Charles and Holland, we kept everything on a social/friendship level. Except when I got up to go to the bathroom…..I had just taken off my earplugs and the light was filtering in….the two of them with the covers up to their necks, looked at me and smiled these Cheshire cat grins……I had caught them and they were trying to be quiet etc. because of Johnny. But apparently he heard them anyway!! ;)

So, the whole weekend was more fun than I expected. And guess what created a bridge which allowed these two dudes to enjoy one another……….humor. They had an appreciation for each other’s sense of humor and were trying to outdo one another all weekend which kept us laughing the entire time!!!…….aaahhh….laughter, it’s such good medicine for the mind and soul……:D Anyway, we talked about another/longer out of town trip in the summer to the beach.

Despite all of that however, I know better than trying to develop a deeper more intimate V or Quad with Charles and Holland. It would be destined for crazy emotional rollercoaster ride which I’m not in the mood for taking right now. :(

I’ll just let them swirl around in their little comedy/tragedy drama and continue to be completely entertained by them. It’s so much better than a movie!! Life is incredible when you understand your own personal boundaries!! And what also helps is; understanding what you can expect from someone based on what they have shown they are capable of giving and what they are willing to give!!

I know I’m repeating myself, but…….There is a lot to be said for simply adjusting your expectations to something realistic based on the other person or persons capabilities and/or willingness. It eliminates a lot of disappointment.

Maybe I’ll do a future blog on my philosophy on “Eliminating Disappointment from your Life”….it’s all about expectations and adjusting them based on the reality that you can observe.

I know people are reading my blog…..I’ve had 396 hits and I just started it less than a month ago. I’m definitely open to comments public or private!!
 
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The reason I am on here

Many individuals have developed a manner of living that relies heavily on deception and manipulation as a means of self-preservation. It can become a habit and even unconscious. I was shocked when I became fully conscious of how capable I am of manipulation and deception. My experiences with therapy, 12 step recovery groups and interaction with a spiritual teacher brought me to a point where I wanted to be more honest….that was the first step for me. I found that there is great freedom in honesty.

The next step, for me, was honesty with myself. How I have avoided that! It’s not easy to be honest with yourself, especially when your thoughts, feelings, beliefs and/or desires are not in line with what is considered “normal” in the society where you live. Being an extrovert (not that introverts don’t struggle with this) I have struggled with the need and desire to be accepted. So- one of the things I spend a lot of time and energy on is developing and nurturing a peer group of individuals who have similar lifestyles or similar values, and who are operating from a similar level of consciousness with the desire to live an honest life. I believe this forum is an example of that, for me, and that is why I am sharing my story here.

Very cathartic reflections. Thank you for this Idealist! My experiences in poly are very new. My lover has opened me up to it and is helping me become a more honest, open and most importantly TRUSTING person. My husband while accepting isn't quite open about his feelings. I am hoping curiosity helps him discover something better, and to an alternative to the "half-empty glass of life"
 
Idealist Poly Blog Part 13- Response to Midnightsun's post about diversity

Ok, here's my two cents... I became open to the idea of poly because I have a multi-faceted personality to an extent that makes it unlikely (if even possible) for one person to fulfill all of those facets.

This made me think and, for me, it's also true !!!

I am a business owner and own real estate; I’m naturally administrative, so I’ve written a policies and procedures manual and oversee a staff. I sell about 1,500,000 of Home Furnishings per year. I am Creative and I design expensive elaborate custom window treatments from high end fabrics.

I have been a Retreat Facilitator for self awareness and personal growth workshops.

I have a Guru who lives in India. I have been there and plan taking another trip eventually. I am fluent in chanting many of the Sanskrit prayers and often enjoy singing and chanting into the microphone to lead the crowd which has been as many as several thousand people at one time.

I go on an 8 day Silent retreat every year wearing modest cotton clothing and taking long silent walks.

I go to an Island every year and participate in a 10 day Yoga and Juice Fast where we drink fresh juiced fruits and vegetables the entire time as a cleansing and perform 4 hours of yoga a day.

I enjoy attending Festivals and Fairs in shorts and sandals….and sitting on the ground drinking frozen adult beverages etc.

Living in the South, I enjoy boating and spending the day on a Party Barge with a group of people in our bathing suits, eating and drinking.

I like attending costume parties and will wear wigs, leather, lace, garters, and boots or stilettos and any type of erotic garb I can find.

During Mardi Gras, I enjoy wearing elaborate jeweled costumes and formal gowns and attending Balls and riding on floats throwing beads and stuffed animals etc.

I enjoy taking Erotic photography of myself and others using a tripod and camera with a timer.

I have been a Keyboard player and singer in classic rock band.

I love going to Night clubs- at least 2 to 3 times a month and especially enjoy dancing wildly to current hip hop dance tunes.

I have yet to find one person who is even mildly interested in even 50% of the things I enjoy since my interests are so varied.
 
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Idealist Poly Blog Part 14- Good Weekend

Life is feeling pretty stable right now!! I had a great weekend since I was able to spend time with Edward, John, Richard and Katherine.

On Friday evening, I met Edward downtown. There was a lot going on, so we had dinner at an outdoor restaurant and did a lot of people watching. Edward and I have been spending more time together lately and he’s really interested in the poly lifestyle. He retired at the age of 42 and now he’s 62, so he’s lived a life of leisure for 20 years. We have not been sexual since we dated for 6 months about 11 years ago, but it could happen. He certainly seems interested in it, but we’ll see. I also invited John to join us. He works out of state and drives in on Friday evenings. The two of them seemed to get along fine. They had never met, but they knew about one another. When Ed and I broke up years ago, I met John right away and dated him for almost 3 years.

Several of my female friends joined us and we moved to a club to dance a bit and listen to some live music. Both guys left early, but I wasn’t ready to leave, so I talked to this biker dude that I met. I was really attracted to his smile which literally lit up his face when he smiled. I finally headed home, alone….with the top down…..ahhhh the spring weather in the south!!! …gotta love it !!!!

On Saturday afternoon, I went with Richard to a party that some of his old friends were having. It had been three weeks since we had seen each other…..he works out of town and had to work through two weekends. He is seeing someone in the town he works in. They haven’t even discussed his lifestyle. She hasn’t asked if he is seeing anyone else and he hasn’t mentioned it. She knows about me because we’ve talked on the phone when she’s there, but I guess she doesn’t really want to know who I am, so he’s not really getting into it and I’m okay with that. We met up with some of his old friends at the party and they played some good classic rock music together!! He plays lead guitar and was playing an old Stratocaster! He spent the night that night and it was sweet! In the morning, I woke up to find him working in my yard. That was really nice!! I’m not much of a yard person, but there were a few things that needed to be done and it was awesome for him to do that for me! We spent a few hours together talking and sharing affection with one another. It was really nice to be with him!

On Sunday, I picked up Katherine before noon and we went out to a Festival for the day. We stayed into the evening. We talked about finding a guy that we can have a relationship with. We realize that it may be really hard to find someone that we both like, but we are open to it. I shared with her about how I have been feeling with Charles and Holland. With them, I have gotten a glimpse of what it’s like to be in an emotionally intimate V. It’s very stimulating for me and just the little taste of it that I’ve had has convinced me that I really want to pursue this experience and Katherine is the perfect woman for me to experience it with. I am attracted to her and she’s attracted to me. She has the emotional maturity that I desire. I really respect her and I want to get to know her better.

I have realized that I can’t expect the type of emotionally mature V with Charles and Holland that I really desire. I love them a lot and think about them all the time, but I’m trying to step back from them emotionally. They are going out of state for a wedding, so that will give us some time apart. I have and will allow myself to love them completely, but I continue to adjust my expectations so that I won’t be disappointed by the actual emotional and spiritual level of our connection. There is no way that they will satisfy my true desire. The disappointment itself enables me to realize that my expectations and desires are not being met and that allows me to turn my attention elsewhere to a place where my expectations and desires may be more likely to be met.
 
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Idealist Poly Blog Part 15- thoughts about healthy and dysfunctional relationships

This has been a pretty good week!
Charles and Holland have been out of state for a wedding and it’s been good because I need some space from them. They are not at the emotional level which I desire. They are really quite dysfunctional and pretty codependent etc. But….now that they are gone, I realize how much I really do love them. Love is just a really strange and funny thing. You can’t predict it. But, no matter how much I love them, it just makes more sense for me to get some emotional distance from them.

It’s interesting how when I was younger, I participated in dramatic relationships based on impulsive reactions to emotional and sexual chemistry. I never considered whether or not these relationships were “healthy” or “good for me” etc. As a result, I ended up suffering a great deal. :( Then- after years of therapy etc. I began to avoid making impulsive decisions about relationships and started being more discerning about whom I got involved with. That has resulted in some very rewarding connections. But, I think I miss the impulsiveness. And that is why I fell in love with Charles. Because he is pure impulse. Now- his life is totally f*cked because of it. :eek: So, when I met him, I realized that he was not someone I should get involved with, but I made a conscious decision to do it anyway…. with some established boundaries. One of the boundaries was that he would need to find a primary lover. I was on his first date with Holland and I told him “yep….she’s your match”…..and she is!!!! Now, when he f*cks up, she bails him out. I’m on the periphery just observing those aspect of his life. But anyway.....apparently, when it has to do with Charles and Holland, the game for me apparently has become a game of playing with fire without being burned.

So……about tonight.....I am on several dating sites but I am so picky that I only occasionally actually meet anyone in person. But….tonight I have a date with a guy I have been talking with this week. He has really planed this date to be something special and that’s nice. He has chosen a really nice restaurant and has reserved a special booth near the piano. We plan on going dancing after we eat! From his photo, he looks pretty attractive and we seem to be pretty emotionally compatible. He is just out of a 12 year relationship, and just starting to date again. I think I’m his first date since the breakup and they were together for 12 years. I have explained my lifestyle to him. He knows I have 3 local male lovers and one that lives out of state. I have told him about Katherine and how we have talked about finding a guy that we can have a relationship with. He says he’s never been the jealous type, so I guess he feels like he’s up for considering the poly lifestyle.

I may be spending the day on Sunday with Katherine. She is on the emotional level that I desire and as a result, our relationship is moving very slowly. I introduced her to a guy last Sunday while we were at the Festival and they are going out tonight! I had gone out with him before, but didn’t really feel compatible with him, but she likes him, so…..you never know!!!! I like him well enough to date the two of them if they approach me about it. If I hit it off with this guy I’m seeing tonight, I will consider introducing him to Katherine also!!
 
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