Our poly journey

Kameo

New member
I'm not sure where to start, because I am so overjoyed right now.

After years and years of searching and being patient.. we finally found our match.. or at least we hope so.

We met her a couple of months ago online and in that time, we've gone on a few dates, but mostly talked via text. We get along amazingly with her. We have a lot in common, yet there's enough differences to make things interesting in the way that she can show us new things, and we can each show her new things as well.

On Wednesday night, we had made plans to go to her place to cook dinner and watch some movies. She texted me earlier in the day to tell me that I should bring some sexy lingerie and my favorite toy. I knew at this point, we were likely going to have sex. I was incredibly nervous, yet so excited.

I had our room mate do my makeup as she's a professional make up artist. She glammed me up and when she asked me where we were going, I flat out told her honestly. She's not poly, but she had no judgment, which was awesome. Before this, she didn't know we were poly. First step in acceptance from a close friend, achieved!

I picked out something from my lingerie collection (which is slim to none!) and he told me it was more like something to sleep in. After almost a decade together, I think I've become complacent in sexiness and hardly dress up for the occasion. It just comes off anyways! It made me think.. shoot, I really need to go do some shopping. I tell her I don't really have much, and she told me to not worry, I can pick something out that she has. Awesome, I get to go shopping in her closet. I found it extremely hot thinking about it.

We head over to her place, and we made dinner and talked a lot.. had some drinks, and then settled in to watch a movie. We did a camp out in the living room with mattresses on the floor and lots of pillows and blankets. As we are getting closer and cuddling watching the movie, she suggests that we go put on our lingerie. He has no objections and we head upstairs. We both picked something out, fussed with our hair and came back downstairs in robes.

I'll spare the graphic details, but we had such a hot night and didn't stop until close to 4am. Afterwards, we all just laid there post orgasm bliss and fell asleep in each others arms.

Woke up in the morning and I made us all breakfast. We talked more. She had to run some errands. While she was gone, him and I got frisky and got a quickie in before she came back.. and when she came back, we threw on another movie.. she cuddled up on the couch next to him, with me on the other side of him. We were all holding hands.. and touching each other.. and next thing I know, we're back at it again and it's even hotter than the night before. Afterwards, we laid there for a while just amazed at everything that had happened in the last 24 hours. We figured we shouldn't overstay our welcome, so we left a couple of hours later.. but we really didn't want to leave and she didn't want us to leave. She texted us after we left telling us she already missed us.

I cannot stop thinking about her. He's told me he can't stop thinking about her.. and she texted me to say she can't stop thinking about us. She told us that it was one of the hottest sexual experiences of her life and we have her hooked.. that she can't wait until the next time.

We see her again tomorrow and this time we are going to the beach, and meeting her son. That's a huge step for her and for us.

I realize I am completely in the throes of NRE right now, as is he and her.. but I really had no idea this would feel so amazing. I thought I might feel some jealousy, but I feel absolutely none. There was nothing more beautiful than watching her and him together, IMO.

I didn't expect I would feel this way at all. I think what is different about this so far, is that the last time we had a threesome, J and I were only together for less than a year and the girl involved was his ex, and she was more bicurious than bisexual. She laid there like a fish the entire time and would barely let me be involved with her. J and I also did not have the connection we now have. I've never felt more in love with him than I do now and I've got such a rush of new feelings for her that I can't describe. I feel like I've reached some sort of nirvana.
 
Meeting her son today

We had made plans when leaving on Thursday to go to the beach with E and her son today. Her son is 7 and we are pretty excited to meet him. I think it's kind of a significant thing for her to introduce us to him. It's too cloudy today for the beach, so instead we are going to either go bowling or go play mini golf and arcade games. I'm sure afterwards we will probably go grab something to eat or go back to her place to cook since she lives close to the bowling alley and the mini golf place.

E told me she wanted to call J at work and talk dirty to him :D I told her I thought she really should and that sounds really hot. It's been so long since I or J have dated someone that I've forgotten how hot the beginning of a relationship can really be, especially once you jump off the bridge into the waters of sex. I cannot stop thinking about her.. and I know he can't either.

The only problem I'm having so far is that my sex drive has increased drastically and the past 2 days that J and I have been home alone, I've wanted to have sex.. and he hasn't been up for it. He has literally been exhausted from Wednesday and Thursday. I'm trying to not take it personally that he doesn't want to have sex.. and last night we kind of argued about it and he bluntly said "I don't know what you expected, but we didn't have sex every day before.. and I'm not going to fuck you every day now because we are dating someone else".

That actually really stung and hurt. For weeks leading up to our amazing time earlier this week, we were having sex like crazy, just about every day, which I know was probably because all of the flirting and sexy pics we were exchanging with E and all of the talk. I'm finding myself being a bit more clingy to him as well. I don't think I feel jealousy, but I'm just wanting to feel like he wants me more than ever now. I'm sure this is normal and I'm not the only one who has felt like this. All of these feelings are confusing and a little overwhelming at the same time.
 
Hi I'm really interested in reading your blog, but struggling with the initials. While you still only have a couple of entries, please consider using fake names instead of initials, makes it so much easier for us to follow along. Keep writing!
 
Hi I'm really interested in reading your blog, but struggling with the initials. While you still only have a couple of entries, please consider using fake names instead of initials, makes it so much easier for us to follow along. Keep writing!

Thanks for the tip. I can understand where it would be hard to follow. I'll be sure to use some fake names!
 
I think it may have ended just as it started :(

I'm feeling completely heartbroken and depressed right now.

We had a great time with Ellie and her son yesterday. We played mini golf and arcade games for a few hours.

But... at one point during our afternoon, Ellie and I went to her car for a smoke break, while James and Ellie's son were engrossed in the arcade games.

Ellie and I are talking and she casually brings up how a friend she used to see contacted her to wish her an early Happy Birthday. She told me she met him online and they had dated briefly. She also disclosed he had herpes and though she was concerned about it, they did have sex and it was protected. I was little shocked, because I know personally myself, I wouldn't have sex with someone with an STI, even if it was protected as condoms are not 100% effective.

She sees my concern and assures me that this was a while ago, and she is clean that she gets tested annually and is very safe.

When we first started seeing her, before anything sexual happened with us, she did tell us she does date a lot, and has had many partners. We were concerned about it then, but like I said, she assured us she was clean and always is safe. I'm really not sure why she told me she had knowingly slept with someone who had an STI, but I knew that this was not something I could keep from James. I knew she had not told him this information and after debating for a couple of hours, I had to tell him.

James and I have both had under 10 partners each. For the past 9 years, we've never had another partner.. so to hear that we've done oral sex with someone who has engaged in what to us is risky behavior...well that really concerned us. He might have been more bothered by it then I was, because he told me that was a turn off to him, that she had willingly slept with someone who was HSV positive more than once. He told me that we had to tell her this concerned us and was a bit of a turn off.

So... I write Ellie after we got home and told her what he told me I should say. Needless to say, she did NOT react well to this. She said this was more than 5 years ago, and she's tested every year and has never been positive for it. She then said that this shouldn't be a concern to us and that we should really talk about this in person, which I did agree, but the convo did continue via text, with her getting very upset.

We obviously had concerns about her sexual past at this point and James asked her if she has ever had an STI. She said when she was just out of high school, she was sleeping with a lot of people and got chlamydia and crabs, which she got rid of and since then has never had anything and always taken precautions. She said that if we must know, she can't even recall all of her sexual history, because she's had so many partners.

At this point, we didn't even care about the chlamydia and crabs, because yes, she took care of that, it was a long time ago and those are the least of our concern.

Ellie is infuriated at this point, and telling us that we want too much and expect too much of her and we want more than she can give.. that she has a very busy, crazy life and connections with a lot of different people on multiple levels. That she has so many amazing friends, yet she is the loneliest person she knows. She said she was over dating and wanted to try something more stable... that she takes risks in life, because it's so short and she wants to experience all she can.

Then she says that she thinks we should just cut this off. She's had fun, but has no time for BS or people judging her for her past.

We reiterate to her that we are not trying to insult her, we are just concerned.. and really, this is the first time we are doing something like this. We don't have all of the sexual experience she does and we are trying to protect ourselves. She then sort of goes on to say "well, this is a risk of this lifestyle, get used to it if you want to continue in it".

After a while of her ranting about how we just expect too much and that we think of her now as a diseased whore, and that's put a sour taste in her mouth, we tell her we don't think of her like that at all, we're sorry if we reacted the wrong way, and we're backtracking our convo to try and apologize because we really DO like her and perhaps maybe we just understood things. It was all so confusing at this point, and I'm sitting there crying because I know we've hurt her and I'm hurting because I feel we just lost what we've finally found after so long.. I'm actually tearing up just writing that part right now. I've seen it all over his face too and we've just been hugging and cuddling and trying to comfort each other over this.

Ellie then says that she needs some time and space to think about this and decide what she wants to do from here, and for us to not beat ourselves up over it.

I don't know if we will ever hear from her again. I feel awful that we probably over reacted, but we are so new to this and she knew this. We don't have all of the experience she has. We don't have multiple partners and haven't had a lot in the past. I know that's pretty common in the poly community, for people to have multiple partners and a vast sexual history. I feel she really doesn't get where we are coming from and is judging us for not being with a lot of people, at least by her standards.

I feel so confused.. I feel like we've hurt her and we're hurting because of it too. I feel like I don't even know how we're really supposed to go about this, like we're doing it all wrong.
 
And.... it's over.

After a couple of days of James talking to Ellie, things are over.

She accepts our apology for the miscommunication, but she says that a poly relationship is too much. She can't handle trying to date 2 people. She thought she wanted to find a stable relationship with a couple because she is bi, but she didn't realize how much communication was involved or that she might need to disclose her sexual history. She thought that was something that just should come out over time once we start opening up to each other more.

I'm sorry, but I think it's kind of important to know each other's sexual history before you start hooking up if you're looking for somewhat of a stable, trusting, relationship. For example, if someone I was interested in told me they had any STI, I would not engage in sexual activity until they were clear and if it's something that they can't get rid of, then I'm just not willing to put myself at risk. It bothers me when she says she cannot remember all of her sexual history, that she's slept with more people than she can remember (she later says that it's in the hundreds, if we really want to know.) and that she hasn't always practiced safe sex, but she is tested and she always uses protection now. I don't even feel it was worth it to ask for her most recent test results, because it's ending here and she probably would be even more offended if we did ask.

She continues on saying the swinger life works much better for her because she can explore as much sexually as she wants without commitment and having to worry about feelings or judgment. She didn't realize she would feel the way she did about us and at the first sign that there were things we needed to discuss she just couldn't handle it.

She decided that a committed relationship with a single man is better suited for her, but she doesn't think she could even handle that right now. She thought a couple was what she wanted, but she thinks its twice the problems and twice the communication (no kidding, really?). She said she is going through a lot of change, trying to quit partying and dating so much and finding other ways to handle her stress. She says there is so much we don't know about her past, and she can't imagine what we would think if we knew half of the wild and crazy stuff she has done.

In the end, she gets snide and says "I don't want to talk about this anymore. At least you have each other"..

The she apologizes and says she's not trying to be harsh and it's not us she doesn't want, it's the relationship we are looking for that she doesn't want.. and that she wishes us the best and really hopes we find the right girl for us.

And... that's the end of things with Ellie.
 
This is going to be a really long post, just a warning.. but I just really feel the need to write. I've been feeling so much lately and I need to let it all out somewhere.

Sometimes the most disappointing things that happen, lead to the biggest lessons we learn. As brief as our experience with Ellie was (2 months), I learned so much about myself and James. It's made me reflect a lot on our relationship, our history and what lies ahead.

I haven't really mentioned any of our history. So, here goes.

We talked for years about opening up our relationship and giving poly a try. We met 9 years ago this month in August, had an instantaneous connection and fell in love pretty quick. I was single a year, out of a bad marriage that ended due mostly to my ex cheating on me with 6 different women. I was loving the single life.

I had friends, I went out and partied. I was living life after being in such a controlling marriage that repressed who I really am. My ex knew I was bi. At one time I suggested a threesome with a friend of mine that I knew he liked; I could tell by the way he looked at her and the subtle flirting. He never had any interest in doing so. She wound up being one of the women he cheated on me with.

I met James through a mutual friend, who was interested in me, but I had no attraction to him at all. We made plans to go play pool one night and he brought a couple of friends, one of which was James. I remember my heart skipping a few beats when I first saw him. He left his phone at my house where we all hung out afterwards. He had to come back and get it, and after that, we talked all night online.. he came over the next day and didn't leave for 3 days. We moved in together 2 months later.. and 9 years later, here we are.

I was completely upfront with James about being bi, and my past with my ex. He found it hot that I was bi. A year later, he tells me he was talking to an ex gf of his and she thought I was hot and asked what I thought about a threesome. I was more than on board for it. It ended up being really, really boring. It basically turned into me just kissing her while he had sex with her. She wasn't into much more and if anything it seemed like she more wanted me to watch him do her.

I was a bit turned off from a threesome after that, but a few years later we talked about possibly looking for a woman to date together. Did some research online, and came across the concept of polyamory. That seemed to fit what we were looking for, so we started looking. We started looking online off and on for years.

We never found anything that panned out until we met Ellie recently. It may not have worked out with her, but the experience taught both James and I so much about each other and as a couple. Deciding to open our relationship up has made us communicate more about even just the slightest things. We talk more. We do more together. We aren't buried in our laptop or tablet all night long and all day long on days off together. We pay attention to one another more.

It's made me realize how much I truly love him and want to spend my life loving him. I would do anything for his happiness and know he would for mine. We've explored new things sexually with each other we never thought we'd do. I wouldn't say our sex life was dead of boring, but it was not as frequent before. We went from a couple of times a month, to nearly every day. Sometimes multiple times a day. We can't keep our hands off of each other.

We're more social.. we are going out more and enjoying just doing things with one another. Tonight we went out for dinner on the harbor and watched the sunset. We've done that a lot recently. Things have just been so beautiful with each other because we are able to be completely honest with one another. I feel like this experience so far has caused NRE for us all over again. I don't even think things were as exciting or as hot when we first met as they are now. The feelings we express to one another more verbally than ever before, are amazing. I look at him sometimes now and tear up over how much I love him. He holds me closer than ever and we spend more time just enveloped in one another.

Over dinner tonight, we talked more about Ellie and what this has taught us. He said it's made him come out of his shell more, he wants to be more social and not be so shy about talking to women besides me. He's gained confidence and that the whole experience made him realize what he thinks as of now, he really wants.

I said that I felt pretty much the same way and it was a nice change to get out more. I said we should try to make like minded friends or at least make more friends.

We also both mutually discussed what sort of relationship we are really looking for. There are so many relationship dynamics in poly, but we both agreed that polyfidelity works best for both of us. I hadn't posted this previously, but he had some jealousy he told me about.. when Ellie and I had a smoke for 20 minutes at her car and nothing even happened...and also the first night we were with her and she called me upstairs to look at her makeup collection and give me some extra stuff she had. Nothing happened then.. but she wasn't inviting him off by himself, so I imagine if she had, I'd be thinking what he was.

He learned that it was unreasonable for him to feel this way, especially since nothing happened and hello, we are trying to mutually date this girl. We have to form our own relationships with her too. There can't be jealousy when one has alone time with one another. He told me from the get go that when we date someone he wants to have dates of their own too, which I of course agreed we both need to have.

I also had a little jealousy wondering if she might have been better sexually in one way when we were together than I am. But, I kept those feelings to myself because I know they were irrational and not warranted. I told him about them tonight when we were discussing the jealousy he had and said he needs to work on so that doesn't happen again.

As of now, we've decided that we might do some one time encounters or FWB situations as long as we are being safe... and that ideally what we are looking for is a poly-fi relationship with a woman. We re-defined our definition of what is too promiscuous for us in a potential partner and we've become a lot more open minded realizing that the likelihood of us meeting someone with as few sexual partners as us is slim to none in this lifestyle, and it's NOT a bad thing if they are safe about it and can openly talk about it without getting defensive or downright mean when we want to talk about safety with one another.

All in all, I've never felt more in love and alive than I do recently. If this is really what poly is about... loving more and being loved more, than I am totally in for the long run with it.
 
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