Well, this is frustrating

deponty

New member
My wife and I have issues. We've been married 18 years and have two children whom we adore. She is monogamous, and I am not. In our case (and I'm sure each one is different) I have life-long deep seated abandonment issues. I simply want to feel secure and connected, but I'm terrified of putting that much faith and trust in one person, especially after that person sank into a deep depression that I had no hope of fixing. She's MUCH better now, but I'm afraid that I am not. It took me years to realize this, but I've come to believe and accept that it's true. All my wife wants is to feel secure and connected to me, and that's very difficult for her if I'm looking outside our marriage for that same security and connection that we both need.

We've decided that divorce is a non-starter. We love each other very much, and we love our life together too much to not figure this out. We don't have the answer, but we are committed to finding one together. In my opinion, that's a very positive first step. I would sincerely appreciate advice on the steps that come after that.

Thank you!
 
well I think the first step is working on your marital issues. You can't possibly start seeking out other partners when your current relationship needs fixed then once you get that settled talk talk talk talk read read read read before ever actually start working towards finding another partner.

how do you think finding and maintaining multiple partners is going to help with your abandoment issues? what do you think you can do to make your wife continue to fill secure in your relationship when you're spending time with another partner? do you feel like going out to seek additional partners could have major consequences on your marriage with your wife?, how will that affect your abandonment issues? how do you think seeking out additional partners will affect your children?
 
Thanks for the reply!

Honestly, I am not currently looking for or interested in other partners, but I've had them in the past. What the wife wants is a clear promise of devotion and no future partners. Her line turns out to be emotional fidelity. Sex isn't the primary issue. I have a really hard time trying to make that promise because I don't believe I'll keep it forever. If she's not OK with other partners, I'm certainly not going to add one secretly. I had tried to hide other relationships and interests, and it ended poorly. No more secrets, no more hiding, everything above board. This is a new reality for us, and at this point we're still working out the ground rules.
 
...as far as helping my abandonment issues, my experience so far is that I feel MUCH more secure and confident with multiple intimate relationships than just one. With one, and only one, it feels SO much more emotionally risky to me than when I have more than one.

...as far as the children, I think they would be fine with it. My 12 year old daughter told me that she likes the idea of having an open marriage when she's old enough to get married. She sees lots of upside! She would be less happy if her parents were in an open marriage but I believe that she would accept it. My son would be OK with it as well, but he's really hard to judge. He doesn't have emotional outbursts or strong feelings about much of anything. He's very Sheldon-like.
 
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Both security and confidence come from within. It's totally an inside job - you're deceiving yourself if you rely on others for that. Work on you before you do anything. Besides, I don't know of any poly women who would relish the idea of being sought out just to make you feel more secure. If you were pursuing me, I'd say, "Fuck that nonsense. I'm not your mother. Come back when you're ready to be in an adult relationship." Sorry, but it really would be a shitty reason to be with someone.
 
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Fear of abandonment cannot be eliminated by outside means. You have to do the work inside yourself.

You say that multiple intimate relationships has provided you with more security and confidence. I'm not a mind reader and I won't tell you you're wrong; you're the ultimate authority on your own emotions. But I am skeptical. My hunch is that it's more avoidance than solution. If you were truly dealing with the abandonment issues, they wouldn't come back when the partner leaves your life.

I can also fully understand your wife's reaction. When I drive long distances, I feel safer knowing there's a spare tire in the trunk. But a spare tire doesn't have feelings, it doesn't care that it's just a backup, and my other tires don't mind that I'm driving around with a backup. People are not tires.

If one of my tires does blow, I get it fixed. If it can't be fixed, I let it go (and get a new one, but analogies have limits). I don't just drive around on the spare and buy a new spare to put in the trunk.
 
...as far as helping my abandonment issues, my experience so far is that I feel MUCH more secure and confident with multiple intimate relationships than just one. With one, and only one, it feels SO much more emotionally risky to me than when I have more than one.

Interesting. I'm adopted and have been actively working on deep, deep abandonment issues that poly dug up after 15 years of a mono marriage. Inviting emotional/sexual intimacy back into my life in the form of new lovers was about the scariest thing I could have opted to do. At first I thought that multiple love relationships would act as an emotional guard against the ability for one person to hurt me, but boy, I couldn't have been more wrong. Poly brought up every dormant fear I had about being left out in the snow. Enter: active work on the abandonment issues. Not only is my experience of emotional attachment changing from a guarded curiosity to outright joy, but my experience of people in general has transformed and I seek social situations like never before. The "key" for me has been in realizing that my security and joy come from within and that I no longer look to the actions and feelings of others for my happiness. I'm so glad I've had this opportunity to change.

I suppose my point is that I've experienced that poly doesn't really "fix" anything and in fact, will likely exacerbate and and all hibernating fears and insecurities you have. The only way I feel "fixed" is that I've done a helluva lotta work internally on the insecurities that allowing lovers into my life has churned up.
 
Interesting. I'm adopted and have been actively working on deep, deep abandonment issues that poly dug up after 15 years of a mono marriage. Inviting emotional/sexual intimacy back into my life in the form of new lovers was about the scariest thing I could have opted to do. At first I thought that multiple love relationships would act as an emotional guard against the ability for one person to hurt me, but boy, I couldn't have been more wrong. Poly brought up every dormant fear I had about being left out in the snow. Enter: active work on the abandonment issues. Not only is my experience of emotional attachment changing from a guarded curiosity to outright joy, but my experience of people in general has transformed and I seek social situations like never before. The "key" for me has been in realizing that my security and joy come from within and that I no longer look to the actions and feelings of others for my happiness. I'm so glad I've had this opportunity to change.

I suppose my point is that I've experienced that poly doesn't really "fix" anything and in fact, will likely exacerbate and and all hibernating fears and insecurities you have. The only way I feel "fixed" is that I've done a helluva lotta work internally on the insecurities that allowing lovers into my life has churned up.

I can certainly relate to this, and I think what everyone here is saying is spot on. "Guarded curiosity" is dead on for me, and I've certainly felt left out in the snow like never before in the past few years. I don't really know where or how to begin working on these, but it's become very clear that I really need to do so. Thank you.
 
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I don't really know where or how to begin working on these, but it's become very clear that I really need to do so. Thank you.

Glad to hear it and welcome to the club! :D
Everyone will find his/her own way from fear to joy, but I'm here to tell you it most definitely can be done and in my experience, the fear is not so much eradicated as it is mitigated. Before I turned to examine this issue, I could easily get swept up in anxiety or avoid people altogether, whereas now I have many tools that help me quicken and ease the passing of fearful feelings. I used to think I was just "naturally shy," but this work has transformed me into a person who confidently welcomes social situations - again, not because all fears and insecurities are wiped away but because I can now allow them to emerge and quickly pass by. I don't scramble for ways to orchestrate others into configurations in attempts to alleviate my anxiety. I can much more quickly and effectively do that myself and in so doing, am much more free to enjoy the people I am blessed to know. You can do it, too. You've recognized the problem, so are half way there already. :)
 
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Greetings deponty,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Re (from Post #3):
"What the wife wants is a clear promise of devotion and no future partners."

Uh-oh; how's that going to work? Can you promise there'll be no future partners, and if you can't, how does your wife feel about that?

Polyamory.com can of course help but in addition to that, I would encourage you and your wife to get marriage counseling (preferably with a poly-friendly counselor).

Keep us posted on how things are going. I'll try to help whenever possible.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

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Welcome aboard!
 
Thanks Kevin! :) I feel very welcome here.

Since we had that initial conversation and she gave me her ultimatum, I told her I can't possibly give her an answer for at least 2 months. I love my wife, of course, and the kids and my life with my family, but I also love my (now-long-distance-now-non-romantic) girlfriend, and I've fallen in love a couple other times during the marriage. It's been wonderful each time. I don't think I can possibly promise to deny myself that experience if and when it happens again.

What's become very clear to me is that I really do need to work on my issues. My wife knows this and has lifted her ultimatum. I've always been very guarded and suspicious around people and it's difficult for me to make connections. If I'm really serious about overcoming my past, I need to be more open and trusting, which will naturally lead to new connections with other people. My wife realizes this, accepts that it's in my best interest, and supports me in this effort. As far as she's concerned, this is my / our top priority. All threats of divorce and separation have been lifted, and I don't need to make any promises of no future extra-marital partners.

I feel very lucky today :D
 
Wow, that is quite something, she is very brave at this point . Hope it goes well for you both.
 
I'm on the opposite side of the coin. My partner is the one who wants more relationships and I'm trying to open myself up to it. We have a crazy baby boy who keeps me running and I know I haven't been able to be as attentive to my partner. I'm think that may be why he wants this. I owe it to us both to look into it. What you said about having more connections, like a backup. I don't know that I would be okay being either woman in that scenario.

What will you do if she can't come around once you've dealt with your issues?
 
I'm on the opposite side of the coin. My partner is the one who wants more relationships and I'm trying to open myself up to it. We have a crazy baby boy who keeps me running and I know I haven't been able to be as attentive to my partner. I'm think that may be why he wants this. I owe it to us both to look into it. What you said about having more connections, like a backup. I don't know that I would be okay being either woman in that scenario.

What will you do if she can't come around once you've dealt with your issues?

It's an excellent question. I'm starting to believe strongly that my sense of security should come from within. Relying on others for some sense of security that's seriously lacking in my life is doomed to failure and pain. That said, I do love having close connections (plural) with women. I also love my family and one of my great joys in life is snuggling up every night with my wife. I do seriously doubt that she'll ever be OK with me having multiple romantic relationships. Last time it happened it created a lot of emotional distance between us. It took it's toll on her / us for certain. If it becomes something I'm not willing to live without, I'll have to let her go. I can't hide anything from her any more. It's not fair to her. I really want her to be happy and fulfilled, even if that comes at my expense.

In the final analysis, I want her to feel happy and fulfilled. If she requires a devoted husband who doesn't have other romantic relationships, AND that person can't be me in good conscience, then I need to help her find someone else.
 
It sounds like you have a good relationship. That honesty in my partner is one of the reasons I am actually entertaining this idea so that is great you are committed to that, and that you are working on yourself. I've been getting the feeling that my partner and I both may need to do some work on ourselves before we go anywhere with this.
 
Thanks Joanne. I've not been the best husband! Much of my hurtful behavior has been driven by my abandonment issues that I've never dealt with. The more I learn, the more I see it. It's no excuse for hurting my wife time and time and time again, and I'm really thankful she hasn't left me.

As far as your situation goes, I'm willing to bet that your husband has feelings about someone specific. Have you met this other woman?
 
Thanks Joanne. I've not been the best husband! Much of my hurtful behavior has been driven by my abandonment issues that I've never dealt with. The more I learn, the more I see it. It's no excuse for hurting my wife time and time and time again, and I'm really thankful she hasn't left me.

As far as your situation goes, I'm willing to bet that your husband has feelings about someone specific. Have you met this other woman?

I have. She is super nice, smart, in shape. I'm sure she has no stretch marks or c-section scars. Home is hard right now with the little guy running me ragged. I'm not super heavy, but I look like I had a baby a year ago and haven't slept since. I keep things as clean as I can, take care of him, the sex isn't bad, but less since I'm so exhausted all the time. I don't think he wants to be here. :(

I'm going to ask him to wait, but I'm not sure I'll get the answer I need so I've been a bit of a chicken in putting off that conversation.
 
Hmm, yea that's a super tough situation! I have no idea how most men feel, but I can give you my own perspective.

I definitely had issues when I wasn't getting enough, or when it was more "by the numbers" and boring - it made me feel a lot of emotional distance. My own sexual appetite is huge and my wife hasn't been able to keep up until recently, and even now it's borderline. Other women are certainly interesting from that aspect. But sex just for the physical act isn't generally interesting to me, nor for most men from what I gather. It's much more about the emotional connection. When it's new, it's novel and generally MUCH more exciting because of that new emotional connection. I doubt you can replace that for him if you're drained by a new need machine / child.

I think you're probably in the role of giving your husband a stable home and some level of emotional support, and if I had to guess you need him to show you love and support and that he's excited by you sexually. I'm willing to bet that if you push him out of his comfort zone with you he'll give you more of what you need. It does take a lot of strength of course, and if you are insecure it will be MUCH harder for you. That said, find his comfort zone and SHOVE him outside of that.

Some suggestions:
- Start dating other men. Attractive, young men, or ones who have more money than you're used to.
- Get kinky. Blindfold him, tie him down, and take complete control. Most men have this as a secret fantasy. If you already do this, up the insanity a couple notches and bring in toys. Be sure to turn off the baby monitor first.
- Get a babysitter and take him out. Then while you two are out, start pointing out other women while trying your damnedest to turn him on. Get him to imagine doing sexual things to them while you do public, discreet sexual things to him.

Start upping the insanity, and you might be surprised by how attentive he becomes. :)
 
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