Still trying to figure all this out...

PrettyDeadly7

New member
Hi all!

So, here's my story - I've been with my husband (R) for almost twelve years now, and a little over a year and a half ago, he brought up the idea of poly/having an open relationship. After doing some reading on my own, and having a lot of conversations about what this would mean for us, I agreed.

He started relationship with another woman, which was long-distance, at first. He would see her about once a month or so, and it was a little weird for me to begin with, but ultimately ended up being fine. After a while, she ended up moving to our area, and then things got a bit weird. It turned out our personalities did not mesh well, and while ideally I would have preferred to be fairly friendly with whoever he is dating, we didn't really get on. It made some social situations kind of awkward - he wanted to be able to hang out with our friends, and me, and her, at the same time. I tried to tolerate this as best I could. I didn't have any problem with him going to spend time with her, alone. I would just prefer not to be there for it. I also objected to having her over to hang out at our place.

Their relationship ended recently, though they are apparently still fairly friendly. My husband says part of the reason behind it is that he felt guilty for spending time with her, because of my discomfort around her, but also felt guilty not spending time with her. I'm trying really hard to not take this as "it's my fault".

In the meantime, there's a friend of ours that I'm interested in (J), who it turned out was interested in me as well. Yay! But then, it turned out that his partner, (S) who is also a good friend of mine, didn't want him to date me. He and I talk a lot, pretty much every day, and see each other often in social occasions, but are very rarely allowed to make plans to spend time together alone, and only under very specific circumstances. The rules seem to be different for other people that J is involved with, but in my case, I guess S is afraid that if things end up going badly between him and I, it will ruin friendships between all of us. It's been pretty frustrating for all of us...

Anyway, that's kind of where I am. Open relationships/poly are somewhat common in my social circle, but I'm mostly looking for people who talk to, who don't know/are not involved in any of these situations, to get some feedback and advice on how to handle all of this stuff. Real life always seems to end up being more complicated than the situations I've read about...
 
Real life always seems to end up being more complicated than the situations I've read about...

Oh yes, this a thousand times. People are really complicated one at a time - get a polycule forming and eeeeesh!

Sound like you're on S's messy person list - i.e. the people that J can't date because it would just be over-complicated. She's afraid of losing you as a friend, which is fair enough - I hope she doesn't end up losing you anyway because of these feelings going on between you and J. Although, with every day talking it sounds like you're basically involved and intimate with him, just without physical intimacy. She's put up restrictions to attempt to prevent/police it turning physical, and that may work or it may not.

As for the end of your husband's relationship, it's not your fault. You could have done a parallel poly thing where you simply didn't have any interaction with her (outside of need to know things like medical emergencies for example). I'm guessing you weren't throwing a tantrum every time her saw her, so they could have gone out and seen each other away from your home without any drama.

As for having a place to write away from your social circle - oh yes, I totally get that. That's why I'm here hahaha. Welcome, and I hope you enjoy your stay.
 
Yeah, when J and I first talked about getting together (or trying to!), we both agreed that prioritizing the existing friendships (me and S, him and my husband) was going to be super important. We all hang out together pretty often. Also, this has all been going on a while, and S and I have had a number of conversations trying to figure out how to make this situation work in a way the feels ok for everyone. Each time I feel like there might be a little progress, but it’s been slow going, for sure. In my more cynical moments, I almost feel like she looks for reasons to delay things in the hopes that J or I will eventually lose interest. Even so, I don’t see myself ending a friendship over this.

As far as things getting physically intimate between J and I, that ship has already sailed. It’s something he and I both want (to continue). In theory S doesn’t have a problem with him sleeping with other people (based on what she’s told me), it’s the idea of having another partner that worries her. So I guess even if this all works out, he and I would be just close friends who are also sleeping together?

I think part of the difficulty with my husband’s ex is that other people in our group didn’t like her much either (which kind of makes me feel better - it’s not just me being secretly jealous or something). There’s been some drama about it, and I felt really awkward trying to talk to him about what was going on, because it felt like any negative opinions on my part would be read as “just the jealous wife”
 
Yeah, when J and I first talked about getting together (or trying to!), we both agreed that prioritizing the existing friendships (me and S, him and my husband) was going to be super important. We all hang out together pretty often. Also, this has all been going on a while, and S and I have had a number of conversations trying to figure out how to make this situation work in a way the feels ok for everyone. Each time I feel like there might be a little progress, but it’s been slow going, for sure. In my more cynical moments, I almost feel like she looks for reasons to delay things in the hopes that J or I will eventually lose interest. Even so, I don’t see myself ending a friendship over this.

As far as things getting physically intimate between J and I, that ship has already sailed. It’s something he and I both want (to continue). In theory S doesn’t have a problem with him sleeping with other people (based on what she’s told me), it’s the idea of having another partner that worries her. So I guess even if this all works out, he and I would be just close friends who are also sleeping together?

Well, you could call it "just FWBs" but it depends on how you define "partner" as opposed to FWBs. Might just be splitting hairs to please S and help her feel less threatened. J might want to renegotiate and claim his right to have 2 (or more) partners, or maybe he will decide he doesn't want to be S's partner anymore if she insists on being the only one.
I think part of the difficulty with my husband’s ex is that other people in our group didn’t like her much either (which kind of makes me feel better - it’s not just me being secretly jealous or something). There’s been some drama about it, and I felt really awkward trying to talk to him about what was going on, because it felt like any negative opinions on my part would be read as “just the jealous wife”

It sounds like S was OK with J having casual sex with others, but "no falling in love," no "real" full on romantic relationships. This is their disconnect. She is the "jealous wife," she's afraid of losing him.

It's not on you to convince her to agree to you basically dating "her" bf. It's on J. He needs to negotiate and correct the disparity in his and S's expectations for what an open relationship means.

Many of us here, more experienced in open relationships, would tell you making the "no falling in love" rule is naive. It's extremely common to fall in love with someone you like a lot and are having sex with. It's just how our bodies and brains work! It's natural.

Demanding "no feelings" is unnatural and takes a lot of work to prevent. Swingers, people who only do casual relationships, have a list of behaviors they do, or don't do, to keep things on a physical basis only.

That said, it's messy now, between the 3 of you. Ethically it would be best to take a break with J. Go no contact. Don't hang out, don't talk on phone, don't follow his social media, etc. He needs to get clear with S. He is the hinge. It's his responsibility to keep the 2 sides of his V as happy as possible.

This choice to go no contact (at least for 5 weeks) is up to you of course. But it's often recommended you go no contact for a good 40 days to allow feelings to cool. Maybe they can get on the same page... maybe not. Maybe in that time J will find out that he and S don't see eye to eye on how to date others. And they will break up... maybe not.

Her fear that you and him dating will have bad consequences for your friendship is valid. Many people do not date each others' friends. But if many of your friends are poly and hang out a lot, it doesn't seem weird that now and then 2 people will pair off.

I wish you well!
 
Last edited:
Hi PrettyDeadly7 - and welcome to the Forum! It seems that you are already getting some good feedback - so I will just say "welcome aboard!". We will look forward to hearing more of your story as it evolves. Best of luck on your journey! Al
 
That must be so frustrating, having been physical but now being policed so you're not alone together.

So, S is likely somewhat afraid of losing him to his feelings about you and using the busting up the friendship as a cover. Or, she could be truly concerned about the friendship. Or some of both. Whatever it is, the chances of her "coming around" - yeah, nah. Probably in her too hard basket.

I agree with Mags that J as the hinge has the major responsibility here. What can he do to help S be secure, other than not see you, if he is going to stand up for his ability to manage his own relationships?
 
Greetings PrettyDeadly7,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds like you have a couple of frustrating situations; first, that R broke up and wants to frame that as your fault, and frame you as jealous; second, that you want to date J but are not allowed to by S. As for the first problem, you can only reassure R that you are/were not jealous; it is up to him to believe you or not. As for the second problem, you can only talk with S and hope that she will gradually become okay with you at least having a FWB relationship with J. I'm sorry to say there are no quick/easy ways through this, you'll just have to be patient.

Hopefully the advice you have received here so far has been helpful to you; I know it is not easy when you have a real (not just hypothetical) poly situation, and it is complicated. Keep us updated on your situation if you're willing as it evolves; thus we can give updated feedback/advice.

I'm glad you could join us.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Thanks for the warm welcome and advice, all. I appreciate it. You've all definitely given me a lot to think about.

Taking a break from J right now doesn't really feel right, and I'm not sure if it would help, or just create more awkwardness (aside from being a very complicated thing to do socially). This is already a complicated and long-term sort of thing, and I don't feel like there are any quick solutions here.

I know it's ultimately up to J to make sure that S is feeling alright about whatever is going on with him and I (and they've already done some work in couples therapy around that), but if there are things I can do to make her feel more comfortable, then I'm happy to do so, both in the interest of getting what I want with J, but also as her friend who wants her to be happy. I'm also fine with things between J and I being FWB rather than dating or partners or whatever, if that's what it takes to make this work.

One thing that I know I definitely don't want is for J and S to split up. Despite the issues I've described here, I do think they make a good couple, and want to see them happy together. I really don't want this to be a "me or her" sort of scenario.

Kevin, I don't things with R's breakup are quite as dire as all that. I'm not sure how much of it is him actually blaming me, and how much is in my own head. I worry a lot about coming off as jealous, (especially in light of my other situation) and that may have led to my reluctance to discuss issues I had with her with R.
 
It sounds like things about being "to blame," or appearing to be "just jealous," are mostly internal for you. You do not know whether R sees it that way, you just worry that he does, or that he will if you express any reservations.

It sounds like things have also stabilized between you and J; that is, you have a FWB situation, and you are alright with that. (And S is alright with that too.) As the old saying goes, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it."

As it stands, you should continue to be involved with J, keep talking with S, and supporting her wherever possible, and maybe you just need more confidence as far as R's breakup is concerned.
 
Taking a break from J right now doesn't really feel right, and I'm not sure if it would help, or just create more awkwardness (aside from being a very complicated thing to do socially). This is already a complicated and long-term sort of thing, and I don't feel like there are any quick solutions here.

I know it's ultimately up to J to make sure that S is feeling alright about whatever is going on with him and I (and they've already done some work in couples therapy around that), but if there are things I can do to make her feel more comfortable, then I'm happy to do so, both in the interest of getting what I want with J, but also as her friend who wants her to be happy. I'm also fine with things between J and I being FWB rather than dating or partners or whatever, if that's what it takes to make this work.

OK, so how do you define the difference between FWB, and dating, and partners?

Talking every day is a very good friend indeed. You also talk about not being "allowed" to see each other one on one often. Is it less often than you and J would like? Is this to prevent you from having sex, and keeping it to platonic meetings with S and R, and maybe others in the mix most of the time?

When do the "benefits" happen? Is it OK with S for you and J to talk every day?

One thing that I know I definitely don't want is for J and S to split up. Despite the issues I've described here, I do think they make a good couple, and want to see them happy together. I really don't want this to be a "me or her" sort of scenario.

Is J fine with limited visits, mostly in groups of several friends? Can there be any kind of schedule where you and he can get together for actual adult one on one time?
 
Being able to have a schedule where J and I can get together one on one would be fantastic, but it seems like that's a long way off. I brought this up the first time S and I had one of these conversations about how things might work, and it seemed to be very upsetting to her. I'm not sure if I brought it up too soon, or said the wrong thing as far as the frequency of when this would occur, but she didn't seem to like the idea at all.

Right now J and I are definitely not seeing each other as often as either of us would like. So far the "benefits" have mostly been limited to times when a group of us is all travelling together, or when S is out of town. The key point seems to be that S is otherwise occupied while it's happening. Based on their current rules, things like J and I wandering off to make out somewhere, when we're all at a party together, is ok. Any kind of PDA between J and I is very not ok. So if we happen to find ourselves alone together, like if he has an excuse to give me a ride home from someplace, then we're in for a fun time. But we can't say "hey are you free next Wednesday? I'd really like to see you."

To me, a good FWB arrangement would be similar to what we're doing now socially, but with the option to make plans for short periods of one-on-one time occasionally (spending an evening together, mostly for sex). Dating/partners would be seeing each other more frequently, for going-out type dates, rather than more casual hanging out at home, with the option for overnights (this is currently on the "absolutely not" list, according to S). I think with J, I would want to work out the FWB thing first, and try that out for a while, and then go from there to see if we both might want to progress to dating, but given the current difficulties, it's hard to even imagine that possibility right now.

I'm sure S is aware that J and I talk a lot, and that hasn't been brought up as an issue. It seems weird to me for someone to try to police how often their partner talks to a person, and I feel like J would have a problem with that too.

I think part of the issue might have to do with "imbalance" between S and J as far as other partners are concerned. J has been involved to varying degrees with multiple people since they got together, but S really hasn't. It feels like it might be easier for me to make plans with J, if S was off seeing someone else at that time.
 
It sounds like you would like a little more with J right now, like you are okay with FWB for the moment, but you would like it to be a better FWB arrangement, where you and J can make plans to hook up (like "Are you free next Wednesday?"). And S is not ready for that.

I think the thing to do is to keep trying to make S more comfortable with the situation, such as talking to her and doing things to make her more comfortable. Also it would help if S could find another partner of her own. Someone to keep her occupied.
 
OK, thanks for more information.

It sounds like sex things are extremely limited between you and J right now.

Poly, FWB, partners, whether S has another partner or FWB or not... all this really doesn't matter, imo.

What matters is, she is very unenthused about sharing J in any romantic sense.

I know you are friends with S (even though she is seen as difficult by many people), but it is rare, in poly circles, for 2 metamours to be negotiating one of them "allowing" the other to date or fuck her bf.

That is almost always something to be worked out between the 2 actual partners (ie: S and J). J is the hinge. If S is really reluctant to be polyamorous, or even Open, he's out of luck. He can work and work to get her to agree, but if she's not on board, with a "joyous consent," all these "rules" about: no PDA, no arranged evenings for sex, sneaking off for a makeout session at a party OK, and maybe he can have a FWB if she's out of town, or has a bf of her own, etc., etc., -- all these rules wouldn't be necessary if she was just down with being Open or Poly. And J is not being ethical. And he isn't being true to his own nature, that is wanting to be polyamorous.

It's not considered ethical to drag a partner screaming into poly. They have to be at least somewhat excited about it, and if they don't want to date others themselves, they have to at least be quite OK with their partner dating and having sex with another, and treating them like another adult. It's about CONSENT between 2 adults, not one of them "straying," or having "someone on the side," with the grudging "permission" of their spouse.

You might read around at the website morethantwo.com. Or get the book Opening Up. Sneaking off for stolen kisses behind S's back does not sound very satisfying.
 
Quick update on all this - not sure what changed, but I was able to schedule some time with J, and as far as I can tell, S seemed to be fine with it. I'm hoping to be able to make plans with him again, but told J it needs to be a conversation between the two of them, unless there's some specific reason I need to be involved in that discussion. So hopefully that all ends up working out well.

In other positive news, my husband R let me know recently that he is interested in someone new, and I'm really excited for him. The whole lot of us went out together a few weeks ago, and he spent a lot of time talking to her - I guess they both had things to vent about as far as failed secondary relationships, and seem to be on the same page about the type of thing they're looking for. I'm glad he has someone to talk to who has more experience with this kind of thing than I do. Also, she is much easier to get along with and be around (for me) than his ex was, so I am hopeful on that front too.

R and I ended up having a good conversation about all this, and clarifying what our agreement is around the correct point to check in with each other in terms of we can do with other people (so for example, it's fine to go make out with someone at a party without asking first, and just check in later. Unless close friends are involved - then things are more complicated and would require more discussion).
 
Thanks for that update. It sounds like things are looking up for you; that is awesome to hear. Keep those channels of communication open, always ask and clarify. Hopefully J's conversation with S will go well.
 
Back
Top