the story of a secondary

Is this a PROBLEM for you, Dear Heart?

Only in as much as I would LOVE any amount of just-us time with her. I am working through my feelings on that, reminding myself that she badly needs more time for her husband, her baby, to be by herself, for working out, for her art, for housework, for trying to someday achieve her goal of sleeping with a man other than Eric... and she still makes time for me. Because she loves and wants me.

I'm thinking that, once it's been six months since we agreed on every-other-month just-us dates, I'll try to renegotiate for once a month. It *really* doesn't seem like too much to expect to me... which is why I have to keep reminding myself of the above.

Read about the accident after I posted that last one. Can't comment more than "Am I glad you're both OK!" as I've got to run... Hug Bee one time from me.

Thank you, and I will. :)
 
On Friday night, Gia and I went out to the club, both wearing costumes that she had designed. Eric stayed home with Bee -- he'd originally planned to go to the party, but their babysitter fell through. I felt bad for him, but also a little relieved, since I never know how to handle being on the same dance floor as him. I know what to do with him when we're in bed together, but somehow when it comes to dancing I'm just at sea...

Anyways, the scene at the club was great, packed and exciting. It was a fetish night, and there was a violet wand station set up. A violet wand, for the record, is an electrically-conductive rod. You run it along someone's skin to shock them, it's a BDSM thing that I've been curious about but have never tried. I told Gia that I was interested in trying it, and that the guy running the station had said that he would show her how to use it if she wanted to be the one to do it to me. She said that she wasn't prepared to give it a go with so many people around, but that I should go for it. So I went, and waited my turn, and sat down. Just as the guy was about to start, Gia showed up! She held onto my ankle as he started, it was comforting and lovely to have her there. It hurt like a burn, like a cut, it was fascinating. She stayed for just a couple of minutes, then left. It hurt more without her there -- the guy with the wand pointed out that she had been acting as a ground, actually diverting some of the electricity away from me by touching me. I let him continue for another minute, then we stopped and I returned to the dance floor.

There was a costume contest, and Gia won!!! She completely deserved to, and she was so giddy, it was SO fun. And there was a cash prize! :D

Dexter, Gia's crush, was there. It was very good to see him, actually -- he had a family crisis recently, and we've been worried. We all danced together. Late in the night, a handsome Russian boy came over and danced with us. He seemed particularly taken with Gia, and she with him, so I stepped back to give them space. After a while they split apart and she grabbed me, danced close, held the back of my neck, wonderfully dom-y. Then she stopped and pointed towards the corner. I looked, and there was a young man bent over a wooden sawhorse, getting a severe caning on his bare back from another man. I was transfixed, as she knew I would be. ;)

As the club was closing for the night, the Russian boy loitered nearby. I whispered to Gia that she should ask for his number. She looked adorably panicked, and said "I can't!" "Get his full name, then," I said, "you can find him on Facebook!" She did ask for his name, but it was long, and hard to pronounce, and she didn't ask him to spell it, so she left with no clue of how to find him again. So gorgeously flustered, it was really fun to see her like that. Further adventures in compersion! I don't know why I've been feeling the compersion so well lately, but I'm not complaining.

The next night, the four of us -- me, Gia, Eric, and Bee -- went to another Halloween party, this one being held by some friends of theirs. During the car ride, Eric mentioned that he was thinking of setting up another encounter with Helen, his new casual sex-friend, within the next few days. It has to be before November, because he's going to be *very* busy in November. Gia said "Ok, that's fine, but -- I wasn't initially jealous, but I might get jealous if you start seeing her more than me!" He assured her that wouldn't happen. Sitting in the back seat, I began to get very melancholy. I thought about Eric getting with this girl twice in a week and a half, while Gia and I hadn't been together sexually in a month and a half! I mean, what sense does that make??

I kept telling myself that it wasn't a fair comparison, that she and I spend loads of time together doing all sorts of fun and creative things, while he's only seeing this girl for sex, and so of course sex is what they do. Gia values time together in a different way, and has more interests and activities than he does, and, and and... yeah. I closed my eyes and focused on not looking distraught and let it pass.

By the time we got to the party, I was feeling better. I mostly spent the night keeping an eye on Bee, he's at the stage where he can walk pretty well and is keen on exploring. It was a perfectly pleasant evening, if nowhere near as exciting as the last one.

Afterwards, back at their place, Eric laid down with Bee, while Gia and I stayed up so she could share some new perfumes she'd just gotten with me. We went through them all, and then we were just sitting there, alone in the living room, in the middle of the night. I reached out, touched her arm, smiled at her. She leaned in and kissed me. I kissed her back, then began kissing and sucking on her neck. She's mentioned more than once how much she likes that, how much easier it is for her to handle versus kissing on the lips, since having someone's face right in her face can trigger her anxiety. She seemed to take well to what I was doing, so I kept at it, checking in verbally a couple of times to make sure it was ok. I progressed to rubbing her back and shoulders, she just got more and more relaxed and euphoric-looking.

With just a little convincing, she agreed to come with me to the back room, where we would be partially hidden by her crafting table on the off chance that one of their roommates happened to pass through. She sat in a chair, one leg hoisted up, and I knelt below her, and... well, you can imagine. ;) She told me I was a good girl, ran her hands through my hair, let me leave my face resting against her thigh afterwards. We chatted, idly, she told me that I do a wonderful job of being a safe space for her. It can be so hard for her to relax, to let go, but she trusts me, and I pay very close attention to her signals, and she's able to get to where she can actually feel good. Mmmmm. Then she made me tea before I went back home, the scent of her still on my lips and fingers.

I was proud of myself about that whole thing. With the way I had feeling earlier in the night, so sad and separated from her, it would have been easy to respond by asking her directly to do more to help fulfill my needs. Talking, after all, is my natural inclination. Instead, I waited for the right moment, then took the initiative to try to seduce her. It made me look sexy and confident and sensitive, and it *worked*. Whereas asking, no matter how much I would have tried to make it sound neutral, would have come off like complaining, like pressure, it would have pushed her away. I'm not opposed to making my needs known, but it's not like she doesn't know this is a need of mine.

So, yeah, pleased that I handled it well. It was very much like this incident, a couple of months ago -- http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showpost.php?p=148625&postcount=486 It's officially a trend! I still can't say that I'm happy at our limited alone time, BUT, if I can find ways to help convince her to make time for sexytime for the two of us in her life here and there, it makes things so much more manageable for me. In a couple of weeks, we'll have our next scheduled date together, mmm. And until then, I'll keep reminding myself... she gives me all sorts of wonderful focus and attention, she's terribly busy and stressed, it won't be like this forever, it's worth it, so worth it...
 
Sounds like a good night out with Gia. :) I love how you're handling the situation with not getting as much alone time / sex with Gia as you'd like. Being patient, paying attention and seducing. Well done! :)
 
Thanks, Mya! :)

I'm home from work today, because of the hurricane warning in our area (don't worry, I'm not right on the coast, there should be no real danger whatsoever for someone not going out). Aaaand, I'm spending my morning looking at custom collars on Etsy and imagining Gia giving me one for the holidays this year. She would definitely make one herself if she wanted to give me one. I don't think we're quite there yet, really, we're still in the exploratory stage, we've barely even done anything D/s-ish, so what would it even mean to be collared.

Still. When I was a teenager, I never daydreamed about weddings or babies, but I did daydream about this. Owning, being owned. *sigh*
 
I live in one of the states that legalized gay marriage last night. :) :) :)

:) :)

:) :) :) :D

Yay!

I watched Bee the night before last. Once again, Gia and Eric went to "cuddle" in their room while I played with Bee in the living room. I cared even less than last time. So, that's very nice. Bee can say my name now, though I don't know if he's yet made the connection that it means me. As usual, we had a lot of fun together.

I went over to their place last night, just to hang out and watch the election results roll in. At one point I was reading Bee a book. He lost interest and Eric scooped him up. But, after a minute, Bee reached back out to me and fussed and said "mama!"

I wasn't expecting that. To be fair, he calls Eric mama sometimes, and has occasionally applied it to others as well, like his grandparents. He definitely associates the word with Gia, but he also seems to associate it with being cared for and with home generally. Still, it was an odd moment, him reaching for me and saying that word. Eric handed him back and I held him for a while longer.

Later that night, Gia and I were hanging out in the living room while Eric was holed up with Bee in the bedroom, working on his writing. He came out, wide-eyed and grinning, excited about a scene that had come out very well. Gia jumped up and gave him a hug. After a minute's hesitation, I hugged him as well. He was standing next to me. I stayed seated, grabbing him around his waist.

Suddenly, the election news feed we'd been watching froze. "What happened?" Gia asked. "I don't know, I hugged Eric and it broke everything," I said. It was meant to be a joke, but the moment I said it I felt a rush of embarrassment, like I'd just revealed a deep, personal fear in too-plain language. *shrug* I'd been drinking a little. No idea if either of them read into it the way I did. The moment passed, the night went on.

With Gia, I feel so at ease. I occasionally clarify what's ok and what's not, but in general I'm so comfortable and secure in her space and presence. With Eric, in contrast, I feel like I'm always aware of the fact that we're not in my house, not in my space. Part of it is probably just my hang-ups, and part of it is probably a very appropriate respect and consideration for someone with whom I'm a friend and guest, not a partner. And then, there's the simple fact that he just doesn't project an air of welcome. It's not part of his makeup, I don't hold it against him.

I find myself, when he's around, being very conscious to not block his access to Gia, to Bee, to his spaces and his things. Without shrinking into myself, I try not to take up too much room. Their house isn't big, and I never want him to feel like his space is made less by my presence, like I'm an imposition to be put up with until I'm gone, y' know? I want him to feel, and to know, that I respect his place in his own home, and that I can find my own spaces of comfort. And so there's this little dance that happens. As just one example, if I'm sitting in his computer chair, next to Gia, and he comes into the room and looks like he's going to stay, I find a reason to get up, to go get some water or something, and invariably he settles into his chair and I settle onto the couch. Like with so much, I don't know if he's as aware of it as I am.

Saturday, my November date with Gia. We're going to a pottery-making class. Tuesday, she and Bee come to dinner with my parents.
 
It's been quite the rollercoaster lately.

Last Saturday afternoon, Gia and I went to an art class together. This was something she had suggested we do a while back, as a date. I brought it back up via email, very specifically in the context of this being our November date, and we agreed on the day. We had a pleasant time and got some food together, which we then took back to her house and ate in the backyard with Bee. Eric had been watching him while we were out, but he's working on a big writing project, so once we got back Gia wanted to give him more time for that.

I enjoyed the day, but I was left feeling like we hadn't had nearly enough time for us. We were out for close to three hours, and, to be fair, that's all the time that she and Eric get on one of their weekday evening dates. To be honest, though, what I really wanted -- what I was craving and feeling deeply deprived of -- was intimate time. Not sex necessarily, although of course that'd be great, but private time, in a bedroom, close, just the two of us. There were no set plans for the rest of the afternoon/evening. I'd said that I could help with Bee for a bit, and Gia had promised that, later that night, she'd do some makeup on me for a costume party I was going to. So, it made sense for me to stick around, but the time was left mostly undefined.

In that context, I think I sort of deluded myself into believing that, because there were a few unscheduled hours left in the day, we would carve out some sort of intimate time together if possible. We hadn't talked about it, I had no reason to believe that our "date" hadn't ended once we got home, but nonetheless I was really thinking this would happen. I guess I just needed it so much that I chose to believe it. I really don't know why I didn't talk to her about it earlier... it's just hard, to always be the one to initiate, y'know? Even when I know that my partner is so much more scattered and busy and stretched-thin than I am. Mostly I get that, and I adjust accordingly, but... not always I guess.

Anyways, we all hung out for a bit and then Bee started to fuss. Gia nursed him and put him down for a nap in their room. Then she turned to me and said it'd be a good time to start on my makeup. She walked into their bathroom to grab her supplies. I followed after her, and said "But, um, if you put on my makeup now, we definitely won't be able to, like, make out later or anything in case there's the chance for that..." She looked confused, and said "The baby's in the room, it's not like we could do anything anyway." "I know," I said, "but what about when he wakes up, Eric could watch him for just a little while?" She looked unsure and sort of brushed me off. I forget exactly what she said, something along the lines of there just not being time. She brought her supplies over to the couch. I followed after her. Eric was sitting at his computer desk, writing.

We sat down, facing each other, and I said, in a hurried whisper, "So, we've decided that this is what we're doing, that we don't want to try...?" She looked conflicted and a little upset, and she said "Ok, we don't have to do this now." She set her stuff aside. At that moment, Eric suggested that he start up an episode of a show we've been watching together. We agreed, and I sat through it, tense, not really enjoying it.

As soon as the show ended, I asked Gia if she'd come outside with me. We sat on the grass on their front lawn and I said "I just wanted to check, it *IS* ok, in theory at least, if we ask Eric to watch Bee for a little while so we can sneak off to your room, if the baby wakes up, right?" She admitted that no, actually, it wouldn't be, she didn't feel comfortable asking him to hang out in the living room with the baby while we had sex. I was flabbergasted.

"But, I just did that for you guys last week when I was babysitting, why wouldn't it be ok?" They didn't have sex then, she said, they'd barely had sex at all in recent weeks, they'd been fighting and had just needed a brief spot of quiet time together, and, besides, she wouldn't have wanted to do that without asking me first. "Um, if you say you're going to go cuddle, and then you disappear for half an hour, what am I supposed to think is happening?? If you didn't have sex just to spare my feelings, then you might as well next time." She looked embarrassed and upset. I felt like such a jackass for not just letting the whole thing go, but I was hurting so badly.

She went on to explain that she didn't like changing plans at the last minute, that she didn't feel very comfortable having sex when other people are in the house to begin with, that she may, in fact, have done it once before when I was there but that it wasn't her preference, and that she didn't feel like she could ask it of Eric now, with no warning, with no expectation on his part that he was still supposed to babysitting. That if we had planned this better in advance, we could have gone to my house instead, where she had no responsibilities and so much less pressure on her.

I told her that all of that made sense, that I took equal responsibility for not talking about things more beforehand, and that I accepted that this wasn't going to happen today, but that in a more general sense it was really, really, really hard for me to accept a complete lack of even the *opportunity* for intimate time together during the once-every-other-month date that we set aside just for our relationship-- one of the SIX TIMES A YEAR that we've committed to doing this -- especially considering that I've been doing everything I can to give her and Eric more space for them to have that. I got a little upset, apologized. Then I said "I mean, considering that Eric knew that this was meant to be our date, would he really mind if--" She cut me off and said that she'd never explicitly told him that this was our date, just that we were going to a class, and could he watch the baby until we came back. "Oh." I said. "I -- huh. Ok." I felt completely crestfallen and confused, doubting my importance to her, doubting her investment in our relationship. It was all emotion on my end, no logic, I was more worked up than I normally ever like to let myself get during relationship discussions. Normally I like to work out how I'm feeling and explain it rationally.

Gia apologized, looking stricken and sincere. She told me that she hadn't been sensitive enough to my situation, hadn't thought enough of my needs, and that she wished she'd had more time to plan, to think about the day together. That she hadn't been thinking of it as a "full date" (whatever that means), that that was a mistake on her part. She said that she couldn't understand what I get out of this relationship. We talked, I reassured her of everything that our relationship adds to my life, how much value I find in it.

The conversation spiraled out into related topics. She talked about how impossible it is to live the sort of life she wants to lead these days. She said that she knew that being a mother would change her life greatly, but that she still hadn't been prepared. She said that she loved Bee very much, but that she regretted the choice now. I was a little shocked, but I assumed that it was normal for new parents to feel this way sometimes, so I just said soothing things. She also talked about how, since she's been off birth control while breastfeeding, her interest in men has skyrocketed, and it's been incredibly frustrating to not be able to make a physical connection with any of her male friends (she's indicated interest to three so far).

At the end of the conversation, I asked if we could set aside an evening in Decemeber to spend at my place. She said yes. I breathed a huge internal sigh of relief. I knew it'd be hard, continuing to wait, but I just needed SOMEthing to hold on to, some way to reassure myself that she wanted me, that she cared about our physical connection, and this would do for now. We went back inside, she spent an hour doing my makeup (so wonderful, to sit with my legs pressed against hers, to have her hands drawing on my face, her scent wafting over me as she worked... and yet such mixed feelings, because she felt she could make the time for this, but not to lie down with me). It came out AMAZING, she completely transformed me, I loved it.

Later that night, Davis and I went to the costume party together, then I spent the night at his place. I left the makeup on overnight, only washing it off the next morning. In the morning, I surprised him and myself by starting to cry. I told him it was about Gia. He didn't ask for more details, just held me.

Phew. Intense. And that's just part one.
 
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A couple of days later, Gia and Bee went with me to my parents' house for dinner. Not much to report there, it was a perfectly pleasant evening, not awkward at all (I'd been afraid it would be). My sister was absolutely in love with Bee, my parents got along well with Gia, we had good conversations. It meant a great deal to me that she came. I think my parents enjoyed it very much, and Gia also seemed to have a good time.

Afterwards, Gia suggested that we spend an evening together the following week. I was surprised and very, very pleased. All of my longing, and my struggle to accept the status quo, and here she was gracing me with what I needed weeks earlier than I'd thought I'd get it. It did SO much to quell the negative feelings that were still bubbling up for me from the Saturday before.

We've spent some lovely time together since then -- I watched Bee on Thursday, then Gia, Dexter, and I made holiday gifts on Sunday, and then Gia and I hung out while Eric focused on his writing last night. LOADS of time. It's felt wonderful, very fulfilling. Gia mentioned last night that, as a naturally introverted person, its been tough for her, seeing me so much, it eats up all her social energy... but she said that it was worth it, for me. Relationships are work, and this is work she wants to do.

I felt *great* about things last night, really, for lots of reasons. While Eric was out, and Gia and Bee were napping, I did a bunch of cleaning and organizing that I knew Gia had been meaning to get to and that she just couldn't find time for. While I worked, Eric got home, and he thanked me, at some small length, for all the time I've spent with Gia and Bee recently, and how that's allowed him the space to focus on his big project. I felt useful and valued, and like he was letting me see a little more of himself than he normally does.

I was very concerned that Gia would be displeased when she got up -- I hadn't asked first about taking on the task of organizing her stuff, and it could have been seen as invasive, especially since a lot of what I worked on were her art supplies. She was happy, though. :) She actually said that she was surprised that she wasn't mad, but that I'd done a very sensitive, thoughtful job in how I'd organized things, based on what she'd said she wanted to accomplish.

*sigh* I'm a huge sucker for praise, so getting it from both of them in rapid succession, mmm.

Gia and I also had a short but exciting conversation about sex before I went home. ;) Nothing we're likely to do soon, just ideas, but still...

And tonight is our date!!!! We're going to stop at a shop, then go to dinner, then back to my place. Nervousness and anticipation have driven me to finally take the time to write this all out, instead of, y'know, working.
 
One last thing -- every single time I come over lately, Bee breaks into a grin, scrambles down from the arms of whomever's holding him, runs over, throws his arms around me, and gives me the biggest hug. It's the most amazing feeling, just incomparable. Just wanted to share. :)
 
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I was glancing back at my post and it occurred to me that, for context, I ought to mention that they need the space the art supplies were taking up for a party they're hosting on Friday. If it hadn't gotten done she would have just ended up needing to throw it all in a box. Hopefully that makes my choice to do it for her seem less crazy. :D
 
Way to go in expressing yourself. I am sure in the moment it must have been intense, but it seems it was perhaps good that it came out and you didn't have time to convince yourself out of it.
 
Way to go in expressing yourself. I am sure in the moment it must have been intense, but it seems it was perhaps good that it came out and you didn't have time to convince yourself out of it.

Ugh, you are sooo right. I'm a decent enough actor (I studied it in school, and do local shows now and then for fun), plus I think I've got a pretty good mental understanding of my emotions, so, between those two things, I usually can control what I show and what I don't show. Like I try never to emotionally lie, but I don't always emotionally tell the truth?

I feel like this is a good thing, in that it often gives me more control over how I approach situations (like, should I discuss this difficult emotional topic with you now, when you're highly distracted and already upset about something else, or later, when we both can focus?) but it can also be a bad thing, as it sometimes gives me the option to put off facing hard stuff indefinitely. :/

Something I've gotta work on, I suppose, deciding for myself where I want to draw the line between respectful restraint on the one hand and being untrue to myself and my peeps on the other...
 
Something I've gotta work on, I suppose, deciding for myself where I want to draw the line between respectful restraint on the one hand and being untrue to myself and my peeps on the other...

Oh yes! Indeed, it is a tricky balancing act sometimes. I can really relate to that. It takes so much self-awareness and breaking away from old patterns of thinking that cloud our perception of things.
 
Last night's date: A little shopping, walking around downtown, fancy dinner (candle on the table!) with cocktails, brief hangouts with nearby friends, mixed drinks provided by my drunk and boisterous roommates, almost two hours together in my room, massage, jokes, conversations, playful and sexy yanking on my collar-like necklace, lots of kissing, orgasms, wax play.

*sigh* And the things she said. Told me how beautiful I was, how much she loves my face, how good it was to see me smile like that. Visibly worked through her anxiety and let me touch her, hold her, love her. Loved me back.

Hard to imagine how it could have been better. SO grateful and calm today.
 
Eric said that the potatoes au gratin I made were the best ever!!! :D :D :D :D

...

Oh god, I'm so pathetic sometimes. :eek:
 
Nothing pathetic about getting in high spirits because of a compliment a dear person makes. I only appreciate compliments from persons close to me at all in a 100% fashion. Don't care that much about the opinion of others :)

Great that your 'pleaser-side' got petted ;)
 
Gia has been persistently and gently pursuing Dexter, the shy, sweet boy she has a crush on. The pattern has been that she suggests they hook up, he gives some reason it wouldn't be a good idea (mainly related to his criminally low self-esteem), she seeks clarification, rinse and repeat. Well, this afternoon he finally began moving in a different direction, asking her how it would look if something happened between them. Woah!

So happy for her! So freaked out about the ways this could end up being really hard to take!

I could go on for paragraphs about the nuances of my feelings about this development, but I'm trying to focus on it less rather than more at the moment, so I'll simply repeat what I told her: "I'm fine with you hanging out with Dex an unlimited amount of time, I'm fine with you making out with him an unlimited amount of time, and I'm fine with you sleeping with him once. But after that, if you end up making more room for one-on-one time with him than you do with me, or possibly even an equal amount of time, I will be insanely jealous. I'm pretty sure that's where I'm at."

She assured me that she has her priorities in order. I'm torn between going into more detail with her about my needs and my take on this, and not belaboring my point.

Here's how I know I'm dealing with some teenager-level angst about this: Nine Inch Nails is helping my mood.
 
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I'll simply repeat what I told her: "I'm fine with you hanging out with Dex an unlimited amount of time, I'm fine with you making out with him an unlimited amount of time, and I'm fine with you sleeping with him once. But after that, if you end up making more room for one-on-one time with him than you do with me, or possibly even an equal amount of time, I will be insanely jealous. I'm pretty sure that's where I'm at."

She assured me that she has her priorities in order.

Wow, I am so glad that you spoke up for yourself in such a direct and non-confrontational way. I think you expressed your reaction/needs very well and succinctly. I am wondering how the conversation started - did Gia go to you and specifically ask you how you feel about it, and if you'd be okay with it? Was she looking for a temperature check with you on that? Or did she simply tell you about the progress with Dexter in conversation, after which you stated your feelings?
 
Wow, I am so glad that you spoke up for yourself in such a direct and non-confrontational way. I think you expressed your reaction/needs very well and succinctly. I am wondering how the conversation started - did Gia go to you and specifically ask you how you feel about it, and if you'd be okay with it? Was she looking for a temperature check with you on that? Or did she simply tell you about the progress with Dexter in conversation, after which you stated your feelings?

Thanks! She was telling me about the unexpected turn of events, I talked with her about it for a while, and then stated my feelings. It woulda been nice if she'd actively checked in, I suppose, but, to be fair, I've known for months about her interest in Dex and have been advising her on how to pursue him, and have also freely admitted that 1) I have some mixed feelings, and 2) I want her to have this. So, she already knew at least the basics of how I felt.

She's been clear that this isn't meant to be a dating arrangement, just friendship and sex. And, well, I pretty much didn't check in with her, during her pregnancy, before sleeping with various friends. Like, I asked once early on if she wanted me to check in before I slept with someone new, or even to tell her afterwards, and she said she was fine either way, so I just went forward and didn't think much of it. Some things I mentioned to her, some things I didn't. I actually had to tell *three* guys that the "benefits" portion of our friendship was being revoked when Davis and I made our arrangement (the only one who was significant enough in my life to mention in this blog was Harry, but, yeah, I'm a bit of a slut when I have no reason not to be... mmmm, sex). Whereas, on her end, part of her approach with Dex has been to say "Hey. I'd like to eventually sleep with more than two people in my entire life. It would be *awesome* if one of them was you. But if not, that's totally cool too." All of this is to say that for me to in any way try to prevent her from exploring this crush would be the height of unfairness.

Finally, I think I've just accepted the fact that because I have SO much more time and space and leftover mental energy these days than she does, and because I'm kinda more naturally introspective to begin with, it's gonna be up to me to bring up a lot of things if I want them to get talked about when I'm ready to talk about them. It's also generally up to me to initiate intimacy. It'd be nice if things were more balanced, but I understand why they're not, and I'm cool with it. What matters to me is that she listens, that she wants to know how I feel, and that she has enough reflective capacity to really hear me and engage.

I know I probably over-answered your question, but it gave me some food for thought. :)
 
Gia and I hung out with Bee a few nights ago while Eric worked. I made dinner, she took care of some things, we juggled the boy, it was very chill. Near the end of the evening, Eric finished what he was doing and put the baby to bed, leaving her and I a little time to relax.

She asked me if I would rub her feet. We sat facing each other, in separate chairs. I rested my feet on either side of her thighs, she rested hers in my lap.

"My New Year's resolution," she said, "is to make sure that you have opportunities to use up the rest of this bottle."

It was a lovely thing to hear. I know that she has a lot of trouble accepting people doing things for her -- it can make her feel passive and anxious and even trapped. And I know that she knows how much touch and service mean to me. So, this is something she'd be doing both for herself and for me.

As I rubbed her feet, and she sipped tea, I talked a little. I told her that I felt silly for having so badly misjudged things during our art class date the other week. I mean, months ago we actually discussed the idea of going to this very art class as a date and explicitly agreed that we could have a date and just do an activity together and not do anything else. She waved it off and said it was ok. It's nice -- and, actually, really important -- for me to know that it's ok for me to be unreasonable now and then. Obviously I don't want to make unreasonableness a habit, but when I'm always the calm, measured one, I begin to wonder if I'd still be accepted if I were to slip up. Now I know that the answer is yes.

The main thing that I take from that whole sequence of events is that this is what can happen when you try to push past your limits and it turns out that, no, that wasn't something flexible -- it was actually a hard limit. I knew that, if we were only going to commit to dates every other month, I needed them to include some time for intimacy (not necessarily sex). She pushed back on that. I yielded because I felt that I had no choice. Indeed, if I had held firm on that point, I think our relationship might have been in trouble -- she strongly felt like she couldn't offer more than she was already offering. So, I tried to let go of something that I felt to be a need, I tried to push myself past my limits. But once it came to the point of the situation being tested, I reverted back to what I knew I needed without even really thinking about it.

Witnessing that, Gia chose to accept my need and work with it. Maybe she needed to actually witness it in action to understand and accept it, I don't know. But I do know that she made time for us to have what I needed as soon as she could, and that she's committing to changing herself in ways that will make it easier for my needs to be met in little ways, on an ongoing basis. I know that she's here in this with me, working like I'm working, to honor and support the connection we've forged together.

It feels really good. And, in feeling good and connected and supported, in feeling safe, my heart expands, and I look forward to the day when she can excitedly tell me how things went with Dexter. Maybe when it happens I will even be able to say, genuinely, that if they wanted to do it again, sooner rather than later, it would be ok with me. Or, of course, maybe not -- we'll see. It's interesting, to be someone who needs boundaries about my partner's newer relationships. I've actually never been in this position before.
 
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Gia told me today that Bee's been asking for me when I'm not around. She said that, last night, he picked up a toy that he and I had recently played with and said "Anna, Anna?" to her and Eric. They told him "Sorry, no Anna." Then he went to door and said my name again and looked at them, as if maybe if they opened the door I'd be there.

Just typing the story out, I can feel things shifting in my chest. Simple pleasure at being loved in such an uncomplicated way by someone that I also love. Sadness and a sense of wrongness that he should have to miss me, that I can't just be there with him all the time. Lots of complicated emotions around the idea of family, lots of unanswerable questions about where things might be going. I try not to get too worked up, try not to overthink too much. Yes, Bee loves me, of course he does, it's lovely and I can and should cherish it, but it changes nothing, except, perhaps inasmuch as it ties us all just a little closer.

Ties... but what ties are there, aside from affection, affinity, history, and understanding? Ha, that's no insignificant list when I write it out! And yet, even while so much about my relationships with these people is so wonderful, it's also terrifying, on a certain level, to love so deeply and to not have something tangible to hold on to, like a shared bank account or a commitment ceremony or a role that other people recognize. I don't think it's something we're ready for in the present moment, but I do think it's something I'm wanting more and more...

Eric mentioned to me that he's started a blog of his own. Like Gia and I have been doing, he's looking to explore his sexuality. Whereas she and I are just musing about what we find sexy and why, he specifically has the goal of trying to build a greater comfort with the idea of vulnerability, which he currently has a lot of trouble with. The idea of a more vulnerable, open, and self-aware Eric... wow. I'll be frank, it makes me wonder if he could ever change enough to be open to loving someone other than Gia. For what is a resistance to loving others if not a resistance to vulnerability?

Ugh, I feel so stupid for still holding any wishes and hopes related to him. I don't think I actually even want anything to change in our relationship, is the funny thing. I just want... I suppose I want him to look at me the way I know that I sometimes look at him when he's not looking. I want to mean something special in his heart. I don't mind being vulnerable, generally, but it's kind of terrible to be vulnerable to someone who's not vulnerable in the same way to you. Mostly I've built up enough armour when it comes to him that it's fine, it doesn't ache to be around him the way it once did. Wondering if things could change feels dangerous, because maybe it threatens that armour.
 
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