Zen Bonobo

Questions

That's kind of how we play it too Full Of Love. We're already getting a lot better at it. I can feel a big difference coming from me. Nisha notices it too, she told me just yesterday that I'm expressing my self and my emotions a lot better these days, without going into denial or into a fight. I think she too had become a lot better at listening to what I have to say and not take everything personally. It's definitely a two way street! It feels so good when things go like this.

Today I woke up a little annoyed though. Lately, Nisha has had a rough time at work. She's overloaded and OTing all the time. In Singapore, OT is just a way of life, you don't even get paid extra for it. The last two/three weeks have been hard on her and she's had to bring her work home, sometimes staying up till two in the morning to finish a project which she doesn't even like working on in the first place.

So lately, there's no mood for sex obviously. And I've been craving pretty bad. I think I have a big sex drive, and I'm not sure if Nisha's is the same. I'm up for it anytime, anywhere, any how. But I know Nisha's under a lot of stress and I won't make her do anything she's not in the mood for. But even if it isn't sex, we hardly spend any awake time in bed at all. I'm usually asleep before she gets to bed, and she wakes up earlier than me normally. But yesterday and the day before, she didn't need to get any work done! And I thought we could, you know, make sexy time. But she was on her computer, playing video games!

Today morning I woke up alone in bed again. The difference is today is a holiday, we don't have any work to go to. So I thought I'd find her by my side when I woke up, she wasn't there. She was out at the breakfast table having a coffee and watching videos on YouTube. AM I THE ONLY ONE HERE WHO WANTS SEX?

I suddenly found myself missing Greta a little, because she is quite the cuddly one. I feel bad for missing her but I can't deny that I did. On one hand I'm thinking Greta probably did a lot of things out of ignorance herself, and I wonder if we should forgive her instead of cutting her off. On the other, she's never really been ok with Nisha and treated her pretty badly when we were in Berlin, I don't want anyone like that in our lives.

I haven't told Nisha about how I felt yet, I'm not really sure how I feel myself. I'm not sure how Nisha would react if I told her I missed Greta in the morning, because Greta would have still been in bed when I woke up. But I only missed Greta because Nisha wasn't there... so where does it all begin?

Maybe I am poly because I need a lot of attention, more than one person can possibly give. But maybe I can't give that much attention back? I don't know. Am I wrong? Am I being greedy and selfish? These questions must have been lurking in the back of my mind, now they've come up and given me a lot to think about...
 
The Good Days

The last weekend was wonderful! Friday was a public holiday, so we had a three day weekend to ourselves. We decided to take it easy and enjoy a relaxed weekend, full of love and conversations and sexy time!

It's funny, when things are going smoothly I think less of blogging about it. It's when things get sucky that I want to write them down and share my misery. But not today, today I'm here to say that I had a lovely weekend with Nisha and I've fallen even more in love (and even harder) if that's possible at all.

It was like we were dating again. One night we went to a pub and then dinner, by ourselves. We joked and laughed and ate new food! The next night we cooked a couple of whiskey steaks with grilled potatoes and opened a nice bottle of wine and watched a movie. A quiet romantic night, perfect! The night after that we got our ROCK on and went for an Aerosmith concert! Those guys seriously kicked the shit out of Singapore! All of them senior citizens now and kicking a lot more ass than any of these new punk bands today. And on sunday, we simply relaxed at home playing video games and baking banana bread with cranberries and cashew nuts. First time baking bread, turned out pretty good if I do say so myself! YUM! Sprinkle a lot of love making throughout these days and

Things are not back to the way things were before, they seem to be better! I'm so happy and I want to share that happiness, just like I shared my misery before.

HAPPY VIBES! SENDING OUT HAPPY VIBES! GET EM WHILE THEY'RE HOT! CAN YOU FEEL IT?
 
In retrospect...

I keep wanting to write something in my blog, and yet I find myself unsure. I'm unsure of what's going on, I'm unsure of what I want, I'm frustrated. Well, I was. And I just couldn't figure out how to express myself.

Looking back, I think I harboured some resentment towards Nisha for not letting me keep in touch with Greta. The thing is, I wasn't sure if I wanted to keep talking to Greta or not. On one hand I didn't, because of the way Greta sometimes treated us when we were in Berlin. I couldn't be sure if she really was my friend, or someone who selfishly thought about herself. She did try to muscle Nisha out of the way at times.

Then again, Greta was so kind to us too. She offered us her bedroom and slept in the guest-room, so that we could be more comfortable. She gave Nisha her good winter boots because Nisha's broke, while she wore her other not so good boots. She was good to us and that's what confuses me. Absolutely confuses me.

Looking back, I think she must have tried to be a good polygamist but perhaps failed, just like Nisha and I did. And I think we failed because we bite off a lot more than we could chew. We overstayed at her place, we didn't give ourselves the space we needed to deal with the situation. Perhaps the three of us should have had a sit down and talked about our desires and what we wanted from this. We never did that. All of us had unvoiced expectations which weren't known to each other and so never acknowledged or satisfied.

In short, I've been thinking about Greta and what happened and I thought about it long and hard until I had some sort of clear idea of how I felt. Then I finally brought it up with Nisha, and I told her that perhaps cutting Greta out wasn't the best solution. Nisha listened and she took a few days to think about it before honestly telling me that she wouldn't have a problem if I wanted to talk to Greta again. She needed some space and time to recover from what happened in Berlin and that she was OK now.

I really appreciate that from Nisha, it think it took a lot of courage from her. Berlin really shook us bad and we've had a hard time getting over that. I haven't spoken to Greta yet, I'm still not sure if I want to yet. I have forgiven her, and I hope she has forgiven us, but more than that... perhaps things are better left this way. Sometimes we learn a lot more from letting go...

Speaking of letting go, weirdly enough, I dreamt of an ex girlfriend whom I haven't spoken to in years last night. It started of very fun and even got a bit sexual, but in the end we tried to drown each other. I remember her trying to kick me off a ship into the stormy sea and I took her with me and tried to tie her to a pole underwater. No one died, but the dream was an angry one... I know I have a lot of unresolved resentments in my past and I just might need therapy to figure myself. I've seriously considered getting some but I'm somehow I don't like that idea, specially not in Singapore. I don't trust them to understand me and my kind of lifestyle here, they will try to "fix" me and turn me into what they consider "normal". But that's another story...

Besides the Greta incident, Nisha has been terribly busy with her new job. They've been overworking her and one of her bosses is an absolute asshole. He messed up on some project and now he's trying to get Nisha to take the fall. The thing is, Nisha's never had an issue with any of her other projects or clients exept for this one, so it's quite obvious that it's him that's the problem, not her. But in any case, she's working extra hard now to not give them the chance to put anything else on her. But all that extra work has just given us so little time to relax by ourselves. She's been very stressed, bringing work home everyday, sacrificing weekends and not getting enough sleep or exercise and that in return is getting me stressed.

I tried to tell her many times over the last few months, that she's been ignoring herself and ignoring me. I told her really nicely at first and she always listened but never did anything about it. Then I started to get annoyed and put pressure of her to get out of this work spirla but that didn't help. I started to feel like I was fighting a losing battle, that Nisha wasn't going to do anything to get a new job, to help find a new country we could move to, to make a change. We stopped talking, in some ways I had stopped feeling connected to her. I stopped feeling any spark or exitement in our relationship and I thought that the time would come for me to make a very important decision, to stay or to leave. And I didn't want to let her go but I couldn't continue simply waiting for a change that might never come.

Finally all that over work and no exercise caught up and she fell terribly ill. We had a haze problem in Singapore and Nisha, with her asthma caught a terrible throat infection. She's been so ill she's been coughing blood sometimes, but luckily that's ended now. Last night, we had a good talk about how she needs to get out of this spiral. Get on track with her projects and also balance out a healthy life. I've spoken to her about it before, but last night we drilled it down to the cause, her procrastination. She's accepted she has a problem and we're working on it together. She knows I'm always there to hold her hand all the way. Today we've started putting life back in balance. We worked (even though it is the weekend) but we also went to a park and did a little exercise. We talked and laughed and put on some jazz and cooked a good lasagna and had wine and just enjoyed ourselves like we used to in "the young new days". We really needed that, to connect with each other again. And although she's gone back to the study to work again (tough life, I know), I have a good feeling that this madness is coming to and end and life is balancing itself out again. And that makes me really happy to know that if there is an end for Nisha and me, we are no where close to it.

-----------------------------

We had a problem with the haze in Singapore because of the forest fires in Sumatra. They've been burning down thousands of acres of forests to grow palm trees, killing hundreds of forest animals like the orang-utans without giving a flying fuck. But the farmers aren't the real ones to blame. The real bad guys are the big multi million corps that buy this oil for dirt cheap, but won't pay for sustainable farming. The bastards. Here's a little app some of my friends and I worked on in our free time, to spread awareness about the haze: www.factsbehindhaze.com. Please take action and boycott products that don't support sustainable farming. There is no excuse for destroying forests and their inhabitats like that, only the reason of greed and corruption.
 
Wavering attractions

I feel real shallow sometimes… but I know I'm not that kind of a guy.

The thing is, I've been feeling less attracted to Nisha the last few months, not emotionally, but physically. And I think it has to do with two main reasons:

1) Nisha's parents have been pressuring a marriage.

Nisha and I have been talking about getting married for a long time now. And looking forward to it! I had the proposal all planned out but it was going to take some time to execute. Her parents want the marriage sooner than later, and now the whole family has started making marriage and wedding plans without me even having proposed. I wish they would get off our backs a little because it's taking all the romance and excitement out of it. They don't seem to understand that, I guess because to them a marriage is a practical thing. Having said that though, they've been very understanding and patient, but I think their patience is running out. Anyways, all this pressure has made Nisha and I look at this whole thing as a chore and we aren't looking forward to it as much anymore.

2) Nisha's been… how do I put this… stress eating

She's been stressed the last few months and she stress eats… and so she's put on a bit of weight here and there. Now, she's been fat before and she's had pimple outbreaks and other things and I've loved her and stood by her through thick and thin, so let me tell you that I'm not a shallow pig who's only in it for the looks. I feel terrible for thinking this, but she's not taking care of herself and that's made me less physically attracted towards her and this has been affecting our sex life.

What really troubles me is, she didn't seem to want to do anything about it. I tried various ways to get her to do something about it, some methods were bad perhaps, but in the end all I did was show support and even do all the research for her. I kept going to my gym hoping that maybe it would motivate her too.

She does realise that she's not taking care of herself and she does want to do something about it, it would be wonderful for her and her confidence. She is absolutely beautiful and if she kept healthy, she would be unstoppable.

I wish I knew how to proceed with this, I want to be supportive. I've already told her that if she wants to diet, I'll do it with her. If she wants to go for yoga, I'll go with her. If she wants to run, I'll run with her. But she doesn't seem to initiate anything, also she says she needs time to get on her agenda herself. I'll support her anyway I can, she knows that.
 
2) Nisha's been… how do I put this… stress eating

She's been stressed the last few months and she stress eats… and so she's put on a bit of weight here and there . . .

I wish I knew how to proceed with this, I want to be supportive.

The overeating is just a symptom. She needs to address the cause - what is she stressing about? If, for example, she is stressed over her family pressuring her to get married already, then maybe instead of eating, she needs to stand up to them and tell them to cut it out.
 
Yeah, but it's not like we haven't tried. We've been trying to tell them to let us do it our way for years. And they have, but I guess they can't wait any more...

Thing is, it is the right time and I'm ready to do this but the pressure is getting to me. Nisha too. Thanks for your advice! :)
 
Kelsey and coming home

Here we go again! Only this time, I want to do it right.

Kelsey. I met her about 3 years ago and I thought to myself... yum! She had red hair, a pretty face and rode a Royal Enfield. She was sexy. But I didn't really get to know her at that time, I guess we only bumped into each other at parties and had a few laughs, but that was it.

Then last week, I met her again. And although the Enfield is gone, she's still sexy as hell.

She's a tattoo artist now and also into pottery and sketching and stuff like that. Creative stuff. We chatted a few times online, but I don't think we ever seriously flirted. Then last week, while I was visiting home for three days, we met every day. Our first meeting was coincidental, but there was this spark, this little sexual feeling and I think she felt it too. Because after that, everything was intentional.

The very first night, I was at a party and it was getting late. I was sitting on the couch and talking to my brother's girlfriend Jin who was lying down on the couch, feet in my lap. Jin is like a sister to me, we're very close. Suddenly Kelsey jumps into the couch and gives Jin a big hug and they start chatting away and now Kelsey's feet are in my lap too. :)

I absentmindedly started to massage her calves and I wondered if we were going to hook up that night, but I think there was another guy at the party who didn't want that and so he massively cock blocked. Somehow or the other, she left with him and some other people who were all heading the same way. The next day, I messaged her asking her out.

My aunt was performing at this chik restau/pub, so I invited Kelsey to it. She came and hung out with us for a while, and I began to get shy and tongue tied, just how I usually do when I feel attracted to someone but not sure if it's returned. But we got to chatting and it wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be. For one thing, I decided I wasn't going to try and seduce anyone. I was just going to have a conversation and see how things panned out. We chatted and talked about our jobs and stuff like that, luckily we have interesting jobs! But she had to leave before midnight, not because her carriage was going to turn into a pumpkin but because it was her aunt's birthday and she wanted to wish her at the stroke.

So I hung out with my brother, his girlfriend and some others at this pub but it just wasn't my scene. The music was good but the people, not my type. Pishy poshy with their nose in the air, waving it about like they just do care. I spent some time wondering if she would return, but she didn't. I asked my brother, "Do you think she's coming back?" "No, but she just messaged and she's invited us to her aunt's party if you want to go jam there." "Yeah, that sounds like more fun. Let's go!"

We got there and that party was WAY more fun. Everyone was having a good time and chilling out and jamming with guitars and singing and it was in this open air restaurant that Kelsey's sister is the head chef at and it was raining and we got high and sang under the warm roof whilst it pourded just outside. Perfect!

Kelsey and I were really getting along, we were always chatting away in one corner or the other and I really wanted to kiss her, but there were so many people there and I didn't know if she wanted to kiss me back so we slowly made our way to the back of the restaurant where no one was around and we flirted and spoke and Kelsey finally asked, "You have a girlfriend right?" And got all red and tried explain the poly side of things, that I love my girlfriend and that we're poly, and that I find Kelsey not only physically attractive but also fun to be with. I was a bumbling idiot turning pink! I thought she wasn't going to understand me or I was was going to turn her off but she just laughed and told me how red my cheeks were getting! So I asked her if she wanted to go to the car park. :)

And on our way there, we bumped into Jin and for some reason, Jin just didn't realise that we wanted to be alone! And then the same guy from the night before, tried to cock block me again.

One thing led to another and before we knew it, the night was over and we were all going home our own separate ways... I was so pissed off that my last night, my last chance with Kelsey was just blown away. I had a fight with Jin, something I've never done before. I was so frustrated that I thought Jin purposely tried to cock block me too. But I realised later that it was my angry cock speaking, that Jin would have never done that intentionally. Jin is really a sweet heart, a heart of gold. We fought a all the way home but we made up in the end, before going to sleep.

The next morning, I woke up and I thought, my flight is leaving in 6 hours, I have to be there an hour before that and it takes me an hour to get to the airport. Which gives me 3 hours to see Kelsey one last time.

I msged her on her phone and on facebook asking her if she wanted to meet before I left, because we never did get to say a proper goodbye. Almost an hour later, she replied. She could meet me, when, where? I told her to meet me half way from her place, I have another house near there (well, it's my mom's house but she was away on vacation!)

And so she came there and we went upstairs to my old bedroom and we spoke. "Well, this is a bit awkward" she said. "Yeah, I know, but I don't want it to be like that". And I genuinely was ready to just leave things on a conversation instead of having awkward sex, at this point my mind was clear and I knew that I wasn't going to force anything to happen. I liked Kelsey and I didn't want to mess things with her. I love Nisha and I wasn't going to do anything to make her feel sad. And so Kelsey and I just sat there, on the edge of a bed, talking. We must have spoken about 3 sentences before we couldn't hold it anymore and jumped on each other.

The kissing. The biting. Clothes on the floor. I saw her tattoos, one by one, licking and kissing each one. It was so hot. One hour and a few orgasms later, we were still kissing and then she asked me, "Don't you have a flight to catch?"

And so that was it, she jumped out of bed saying, "Well that was fun". I smiled. We kissed goodbye one last time and then both of little more and then I really had to dash for the airport. I had a stupid grin on my face all through the day and the next.

I was just happy, simply happy. And I couldn't wait to go back home to Nisha. I had missed her so much.
 
Awww, you persevered despite the cock blocking! How fun!
 
I'm a mess

Nisha, I love her to bits. Every bit of her I love and I'm crazy over her. I know it, I feel it and I can't imagine my life without her. The thought of losing her kills me. And yet, I hurt her with stupid things. She says that we haven't been having much sex the past few months, or that when we do it's usually her who initiates. And I wouldn't say that's a 100% true, but my sex drive has dropped.

Some nights I wouldn't respond to her moves, I just wanted to sleep. That's not at all like me normally. At the same time, I couldn't stop eyeing every other girl around me. I realised that I was somehow feeling less attracted to Nisha and looking for sex elsewhere.

Nisha noticed that I wasn't going down on her anymore. I noticed it too, I had stopped enjoying it. I thought it might have had something to do with her gaining some weight and I felt terrible for that. Nisha's not even close to being anywhere near obese or unattractive. She's a very pretty girl, with beautiful eyes and mmm, those perfect tits.

But here's the thing. Even though I was initiating sex with Nisha less and I had stopped going down on her, I was ready to do everything with Kelsey. And I enjoyed it! It was new and it was hot. And when I told Nisha about it, she was very hurt that I gave somebody else something I hadn't given her in a long time. Who wouldn't be upset with something like that?

We've had long heated conversations about this since I returned home. It's sad because I missed Nisha so much while I was away from her. It's sad that I love her so much but my sexual attraction for her had dropped so much.

Is that really love? How can it be? Is this a phase? Is this something that all couples face 8 years into their relationship? Is the passion really finally slowly dying or is it just that we've both had a lot on our minds lately and that's affected us? Or am I really so shallow as I never thought I was, and am affected by a little gain in weight?

In my mind and heart, I know there's only Nisha for me. But it seems like my actions say something different. I'm not sure what we should do, if this problem lies within me alone or if she has some part to play in it. This drop in libido is going to seriously affect our relationship.

Nisha suggested that we continue living together as friends, that way we can have each other's company and friendship and we're still free to have sex with who we want. But there's no way I can do that, I can't stop feeling for her as I do now and just be friends living in different rooms in the same house. No way. I was surprised she thought I'd find that a good idea.

Last night Nisha and I slept together again and we kissed long and deep before going to sleep. She knows that I love her, I know she loves me. She's scared that I would leave her because of her looks, but at the same time I think she knows that I wouldn't do that. I'm scared that she might take me or my desires for granted and that my drive will eventually drop to zero. Maybe we just need some time off...
 
Ever hear of the Seven Year Itch? Sounds like you've got it. There is a term for "getting bored with someone you're used to, and taking them for granted." I saw it in a Cosmo magazine. Forget what it is right now.

Unfortunately I see my gf having that feeling towards me, and we've been together only 4 years, and she's had it for a while. We were crazy sexual when we first met, did all this kinky stuff, sex every day, for hours. Now, sex maybe twice a week, perfunctory, maintenance style sex. If I don't initiate it doesnt happen.

However, I was in a 30 year marriage previous to this one. I can attest that sex can become boring, stale and infrequent, but then, through some kinds of life changes, can become extremely hot and honeymoonish again!

In my case it was just maturity. Knowing myself and what my turn ons really were, and my ex-h becoming aware of, and accepting and celebrating my turn ons so much, they became huge turn ons for him as well. And encouraged him to try different things he liked, which I embraced. We went from a point to where we were only having sex once every 4-6 weeks, to sex 1-5 times a day!

Back to my gf... we have lots of romance and cuddling and kissing... and she is diagnosed with anxiety disorder which does interfere with her libido. It waxes and wanes. Sometimes she does rally and we might have some pretty hot sex 3 days in a row. I don't take it personally... or I try not to. Sometimes she seems to feel because I have a horny bf for my needs she is off the hook to have sex with me! No. That is just silly. I desire HER, even if I am getting it from Ginger.

I do think it's sad you don't want to give your gf oral anymore. :( Sorry to sound sexist, but, this is why women have learned to play hard to get. Men love the thrill of the hunt more than actually eating the prey.
 
:)

Hey Magy,

Thanks for your post! Your stories and advice are always full of useful insight. I hadn't heard of the '7 year itch', but if that's what I'm feeling, I think Nisha's feeling it too. I know it sounds extremely sexist, but physical appearances do play a big part in turning someone on. Not in loving someone, in turning someone on. Nothing about the way she looks now or will ever look could make me love her any less.

In a way, she took some of my desires for granted. I say 'in a way', because it's not entirely her fault either. Like I mentioned before, she had a lot, lot, lot on her mind. What was starting to get to me was her procrastination and I was running out of patience.

Nisha and I have wanted leave Singapore for years now. I've been very exited about this idea, I've come up with some plans, some suggestions of places we could move to. I studied maps, showed her which countries would be easier to find jobs and settle in, researched their cultures. If I had friends there, I would talk and ask them so many questions. And then repeat everything to Nisha. She wants to get out of Singapore herself, but she keeps procrastinating doing any of the leg work. The whole responsibility seemed to be falling on my head.

Add to that, that she had stopped taking care of her physical appearance, specially around me. I tried motivating her to try some fun ways of getting healthy, like going for yoga or even pole dancing. I found a couple of places near her office, where she could go after work. I found out their timings, their prices, everything. All she had to do was go and I kept trying to motivate her. She kept saying she would, but she never did. Not for months, not until my issue with this thing was getting big enough to affect our lives. She had also stopped going to get her hair cut or visit the parlour.

She procrastinated about everything, and that was really getting to me. I was seeing no change or progress in any direction, I began to feel stuck. I was afraid that this was just the way life was going to be from here on, specially now that we are so close to getting married.

I can't even blame her for anything, she's had so much on her plate lately and was in a minor depression. That just fucks things up. Then again, I had some part in giving her that stress and I could very well be the reason she wasn't inspired to do anything. I know my woman and when I'm my best to her, she's her best to me too.

You know what you said about the sex getting stale but then turning around? Something similar happened to us. One thing I've realised is that talking heart to heart really turns me on. Last Saturday, Nisha and I spent the whole day just talking and I made it a point to not raise my voice, not even get angry, but just listen to her. We talked and talked and then cuddled a long while in the evening and then we went out dancing with some friends until early morning. Got back home pretty smashed and crashed out just before the sun rise.

The next day, well, let's just say we fucked for hours with vigorous new passion and we even threw in some really kinky, kinky stuff. It had been ages since we fucked like that, just fucking and falling asleep on top of each other and getting up again to fuck some more. Just like we did when we first met in college. We were kids again. It was fantastic! I had some very intense orgasms like I hadn't had in months and I'm quite sure Nisha did too. We spent the whole Sunday morning in bed, got out of it and cooked breakfast around lunch time and then passed the evening talking and lazying about. Brilliantly beautiful day.

About the '7 year itch' thing, Nisha and I hadn't taken any thing besides the sex/sex appeal for granted. At least I don't think so, I ought to ask her if I have but she hasn't with me.

Maybe your right Magy, maybe it was the thrill of the chase. I would like to go down on Nisha more, I'm not sure why I'm not turned on as much by it now. You know what, I think I'll take lesson from your story and ask her what her turn ons are, maybe I've forgotten or maybe they've changed! Thanks Magy!

:)

Nisha's in a bit of reclusive mood tonight. She happened to read my previous post on my little adventure with Kelsey and she's feeling a bit insecure about it. I'm going to go hug her and tell her she's all that matters to me now.

Good night everyone!
 
Ok, first things first... I'm changing Nisha's name. At the time of starting this blog, I thought of a name that had nothing to do with her, keeping her absolutely anonymous. But I don't think that using her nickname is going to give her away. I mean, how many Boosh's are there out there? So from here on end, Nisha is now = to Boosh.

So...

The day before, Boosh and I were having a lovely quiet dinner at home, we relaxed and watched some TV, chatted and kissed. And then just before bedtime, my potential mother-in-law calls and asks about the wedding plans and preparations again. It really upset us that we couldn't simply enjoy a moment any more. We spoke a lot about it after she hung up. We've been pushed and pulled between settling our own issues with each other and getting married. It's been weird! Unnatural.

Boosh said that the idea of the marriage was ruined. It had for me too and I wished her parents would back off a bit. We've wanted to get married for while now and we're working towards it. There wasn't any need to rush things now!

For more than a year now, I've been planning my proposal. It was something that meant so much to me, but was going to take time to orchestrate. I can't tell her what it is, I want it to be a surprise. But with her parents after her and then her after me, and me not being able to pull off this proposal fast enough, doubts began to rise. That perhaps there wasn't any proposal to begin with. That perhaps she was my Plan B. How terrible is it to feel like a Plan B? She is NOT my Plan B! She has been the centre of my universe, my world, she's been my life since we fell in love.

BUT I HAVEN'T SHOWN HER THAT A 100%!

There have been times when I've treated her bad. It usually happens when another woman is involved, because when it's just the two of us, things are perfect. It comes down to NRE and my lack of control over it. We've been thinking that perhaps, even though we agree with being poly in theory, that it might not work for us. I'm too careless and she's too insecure. So for now, we're taking a poly break until we figure out what we want and how to work it.

I feel terrible for making her trust in me waver. But I know, I KNOW, that I love her and care about her and will never stop doing so.

The next morning, I called her mom. I figured if I couldn't tell Boosh, I could tell her parents about my plan and maybe they would understand where I'm coming from and give us the space we need. I was nervous, repeating all the things I wanted to say in my head over and over again, trying to figure out how I could convince her that I do want to marry her daughter. I wasn't getting any closer to anything, so in the end, I stopped thinking about it and just called.

It went wonderfully! I was nervous at first and probably sounded that way on the phone, but it gradually turned into a beautiful conversation that the both of us had. She was so happy that I called, that I told her where I stand and where I want to be. I told her that the proposal I had initially planned was taking too long, that I was going to do a simpler one sooner, that she need not worry, that nothing could make me happier than marrying her daughter and taking care of her for the rest of my life. She told me that she always also wanted a son and that she's so happy to have me as one! She cried a bit on the phone, happy tears. She told me to take my time and that they wouldn't chase us about getting married anymore!

I felt so much better after the conversation! Perhaps I could have called her sooner, but I wasn't ready then. This time though, it felt right. Now it was something that I wanted and not forced into. The conversation made me realise how much I wanted to marry her! Boosh… not mom-in-law.

So Boosh and I can finally put aside the stress of getting married under pressure and talk about us, deal with our issues one at a time. And I've noticed that I can do it calmly, because I know where I want to be. She doesn't know about my conversation with her mom, I think I'll tell her about it just before or after proposing. Which brings me to some exciting news! After a long and crazy hunt, I found the perfect ring, bought it and it's on it's way here right now! I should get it just before our 8th anniversary, the big day! Wow, I can't believe it when I think about it… I'm going to be a husband! And perhaps a father soon! Wow!
 
Sounds fantastic. Supportive in-laws are such a blessing.
 
2 years later...

It seems like I come back to this forum only when things go wrong. And that's happened a few times already, but I hadn't been able to put my feelings down in words. But today, today I'm going to write something...

A lot has happened since my last post (2 years ago). In short, I got married, had a great wedding and finally moved out of Singapore and to another city. Since the last 3 months, I'm now living in Amsterdam and loving it. This has been the change in lifestyle that I've been looking for for years.

But it's been a difficult move for one main reason... my wife is still in Singapore. No, we didn't break up or anything like that. We both wanted to move, but we decided to do it one at a time instead of the both of us being uprooted and without a job or place to stay simultaneously. Smart decision, and it was mainly her's, but a tough one none the less. But we supported each other. The idea was that I come here first, start setting up and when it's all ready, she'll come down too.

Now, being the poly people that we are, we had a lot of talks about dating new people. A good idea, we both want it for each other and have tried to be supportive that way. But I guess I was a little childish because in a matter of days she had all sorts of suitors, while I had none.

She turned down some of them, some of them chickened out when they found out she had a husband :D, and there were others but only one worked out. She had this one date, it was just dinner and drinks and some making out.

Actually, there was another. Not a new suitor, but someone she's been seeing for a long time, but unfortunately, it's a long distance kind of affair. She being all the way in Singapore, him, in LA. But she visited him and they spend a good two weeks together, dinner, drinks, making out and a whole lot more.

While this wasn't easy for me to deal with at the time, being alone in a new city and also being unable to pull (that was childish of me), I do think I did my best to support her. For one, she called me and told me that they were fighting. And it didn't make me happy as I thought it would. The jealous me would have been happy: "HAHA! See, he sucks. I'm the better one!" But it was just the opposite, I felt sad. I didn't want her and her boyfriend spending the little time they had together doing that. So I supported, I told her to forget the fighting and go make up.

Before her trip to see him in LA, she asked me if it was ok if they didn't use a condom this time around. I was angry, offended, pissed off as fuck. Why? Because it's always been a rule that I wear a condom, no matter what. So why should she get away with it? I reacted to the situation badly, I bluntly disagreed no matter what she said. But a few days later, I came around and agreed. They've known each other for so long, they're practically in love, and get so little time with each other. And they trust each other and I trust them. So I agreed, yes, they could go ahead without one.

But they didn't...

I met someone here in Amsterdam, I met her the very first day I got here three months ago. I thought to myself, "yummy", but I didn't think anything was going to happen between us. But then something did. We clicked, we got talking and one thing led to the next. We spent a night talking by the canal, just talking and kissing, taking it slow. Then we had another date after that, dinner and few drinks, and little more kissing.

Come Friday, we couldn't wait to have each other naked. And she came over, and it was wild.

And I didn't...

I didn't use a condom. I started off with one, but it didn't work. So I had to use another, and then another... after going through the pack, I decided I didn't need to use one anyway. She was on the pill and I was going to be extra careful. There was nothing to worry about. But... I had promised my wife something, and I broke it.

I should have waited, had this conversation with her first before rushing into anything. It was wrong and selfish of me. Now my wife is hurt and angry and worse, she feels betrayed. I tried to be so careful with who I let into my life, I didn't want anything to go wrong, and yet once again, I fucked it all up.

Looking back, the right thing I should have done was to be faithful and have a conversation about this with my wife instead of rushing into something with a stranger.

On the other hand, I think condoms are a good idea when you don't really know the other person well enough. I knew there was no change of a pregnancy, and that she's as clean as I am, so I didn't think it would be a big deal to not wear protection.

But I hurt my wife in two ways. One, because I did it without having a talk about it with her first. Two, because she says that she and her boyfriend try hard not to overstep my boundaries, while I didn't.

And that's why I'm back on this forum. Something has gone wrong, and I have no one to talk to about it. I'm trying not to hate myself, but I do. Because now I'm spending the rest of my Sunday feeling miserable and guilty, instead of enjoying the memories from last night.
 
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You said the condoms "didn't work." You mean, you're not used to using them, so kept going soft when trying to fuck with one on?
 
@Magdlyn, I'm afraid that that is exactly it. Just a question of what one is used to. Which means everything would have "worked" had I just tried harder.

-----

I had a long talk with Boosh (wife) yesterday, it went a lot better than I expected although I can't say that things are perfect.

Something that I really appreciate is long way we've come in our communication skills. On my part, I've more control over my my anger and have been able to express myself calmly and clearly lately. (I'm convinced this has something to do with my occasional "getting stoned alone" sessions, but that's another story). On her part, she was being an excellent listener, non-judgemental and, I feel, very kind to me.

For now and until further notice, she's decided that she doesn't want to have any more unprotected sex with me. This is sad for me to know but not difficult to do considering we live in different countries and don't have sex at all anyway. She's also decided/suggested that I go ahead and not wear protection with others if I want to. This wasn't said in anger, it was well reasoned.

The truth is, I'm not as afraid of STDs as she is (I might be ignorant for feeling that way but there it is). For me, its getting someone pregnant that I'm more worried about. So, the main reasons I wear/wore protection are because of her fear her wanting me to, my fear of getting someone knocked up and finally STDs. Which means, that mainly, I do it for her. But she doesn't want to put restrictions on me anymore, so rather she gave me a choice. In short, condoms with others = no condoms with her or no condoms with others = condoms with her.

I've been thinking about that and it can sound very tempting to have that kind of freedom (putting aside risks for now), but I would eventually be very sad if I couldn't have the most intimate sex with my wife. So I've decided to start wearing them again in the future. In a month, I'll get tested just to make sure that everything is ok. And hopefully, we can get things back on track by the time we meet for Christmas.

We made this "rule" of not having unprotected sex with other years ago and I never failed to abide by that before, until last Friday. So, although it is frustrating for me to wear one, it is a very, very small price to pay when in return I (and she) feel safe in good hands.
 
I just wanted to drop in and write some things down:

Things are going well, I'm feeling positive about what's to come out of all this.

It's difficult to put this down in words, I keep having to rewrite my sentences because I can't find the right way to express what I'm going through.

It's the feeling of being free to be yourself, yet deeply connected with those you love. It's a sharp awareness of what's going on, like watching the world unravel in slow motion. It's a calm desire to understand and be understood, to just be. There are no strong cravings or aversions. Feelings of guilt have evolved into feelings of responsibility. I feel strong and one with my self, actions and words.

I feel invincible yet accepting that this feeling will pass.

It's pretty amazing.
 
Over the last month, I've been hit with a series of strong and hard emotions, one after the other.

I've been absolutely disgusted with myself. Full of anger, self loathing and depression. Been crying to myself, felt small and useless, considered suicide a few times, but never very seriously because I don't think that's an answer or a help to anyone in truth. So I went for a trial therapy session with the hopes of getting myself out of this dark place.

After the first session, I didn't go back. I thought I could pull myself out of the situation, and I did with the help of some friends. But after pulling myself out, I realised that therapy could be the boost I need to figure myself out. If not for anyone else, at least I would like myself better. So I started going again and just had my second session a few days ago.

Then there's the story of my company and how it's almost going bankrupt. We had to downsize more than half the people. What started off as a job that promised fun is ending up being frustratingly boring and quiet not to mention depressing.

Then... I've feel emotionally dead when it comes to the relationship with my wife. She's been kind and good to me, but she's also told me in her own words, "You've always been a better friend to me than you've been a boyfriend or a husband". It was a hard pill to swallow, and with it came many doubts. I wondered how long she's felt that. If it was from before we got married. If so then why did she agree to marry me? And these questions lead to more and more and suddenly I find myself not certain of anything.

My therapist says that I need to stop fuelling my own doubts, to listen and trust more and also find out what I want instead of only focusing and reacting on what other's want. I agree with her.

On the other hand, my wife will be coming to Amsterdam in February (as we had originally planned months ago) and I'm currently looking for an apartment for the two of us. Given the new turn of events, that's confusing as hell. But I think we will work something out, we always do.

And then there's Juliana. We've been seing each other a lot lately and we always have a good time. I think I'm falling in love with her and I think she's falling in love with me too and so she's having second thoughts about it. Because she's monogamous and isn't sure she can handle the relationship after my wife comes to Amsterdam. She doesn't feel comfortable being a secondary. But we've been honest about this from the start, it's just that now there are emotions involved and a breakup at this point would be sad.

So we're talking about it, trying to reason things out. She wrote me a meaningful message the day before, about how she feels and what she thinks she wants. I won't post that up becuase that message was meant for me. But this is my reply to her:

=====================================

Ok, here goes...

It means a lot to me that you took the time to formulate and write down your thoughts and that we at least understand each other, even if it turns out that we don't want the same things.

I understand that you are not poly and I don't judge you for it. Being mono/poly is something one can't help, it's just the way it is.

I know I'm poly and wouldn't feel free any other way. I like to have many relationships and share my thoughts and emotions with them. It's not a game of comparisson and that I love one more than the other, or that one replaces another or is better than another. Everyone is different and THAT is what I truly love, everyone's beauty and uniqueness.

Love is infinite, so it can't be divided like a peice of cake. But unfortunately, time as a resource isn't and so far, no machine has been invented to let us be in two places at the same time. So, time is what has to get divided in a poly relationship. But time and love are two different things and more time != (not equal to) more love.

What I'm trying to get at, is that you are right when you say that things will be different after Minu gets here. Different in the sense that I will be living with her and I won't be available every night and weekend. But then again, is it really that different? It's not like we're seeing each other everyday now. And Minu being here doesn't change the way I feel about you, which is that I'm falling for you a little more everyday.

I would like to keep seeing you, going on our dates, trying new food, watching movies... You are special to me and I would like to make you feel that if you let me. I don't mean for you to simply give me a manual on how I could do that, but if there is something you would like me to do, please tell me.

We're both different in the mono poly sense, but it doesn't mean that our relationship can't work. Just that it's going to be harder than a "normal" one and everyone involved will have to put in more effort and compromise. The question is, is this something you think you would be up for?

If you aren't and think it's better to end this now, I won't lie and say it's fine because it's not. I will be sad that we won't be together anymore but I respect you and your decision and I will be happy that at least we ended it as ethically as we could and I hope that we can still meet and stay friends.

If you are up for it (even if you're not sure about the long run), then can I take you out to dinner again sometime?

P.S.: Noted what you said about not treating you like someone fragile, makes absolute sense and again, I respect you and your decision whatever it is.

=====================================
 
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