Poly journey of Mya and rory

Thank you so much for your kind words RainyGrlJenny, fuchka, Annabel, Cleo and wildflowers.

I feel so lonely tonight. It's not the fact that I now have more time available for other things when I'm not spending it with Evan, it's just that at the moment I really feel like being with people and not alone. The weekend after the break-up was quite interesting in that aspect. I only had plans for Sunday when I was seeing rory. On Friday I went for a drink after work with a couple of co-workers and ended up having a spontanious night out with one of them. We shared our life stories, went from one bar to another and danced, it was brilliant. :) Then on Saturday a poly person I had only spent time with in group situations stepped up, knowing that I was having a hard time, and asked if I'd like to hang out with him. I did and it was really good. We did all sorts of fun things, like played video games, and then he made us dinner. It was all really nice, I felt cared for. I truly appreciated him being there for me when I needed a friend. :) Then on Sunday me and rory had some great and revealing conversations, took a bath together and had sex. I really needed that as well. The whole weekend was awesome in its variety of activities and people and feelings.

So tonight I'm alone. I really don't feel like being alone. I went shopping after work with the aforementioned night-out-co-worker, but after that I came home and just felt sad and lonely. I wish I lived with someone who cares how my day was. Not necessarily a partner, but someone I know well enough and who cares about me even a little. During the year when I've lived in this apartment I've had 6 different roommates and I'm about to have a 7th quite soon. I don't have time to get to know them at all. So now me and a poly friend of mine are looking for a place together, we just need to find a third poly/queer person to share with. I really want to make that happen.
 
Sorry you're feeling lonely tonight. I can understand that, just wanting to be with someone to distract you and make you feel connected. I hope you can find some sort of activity that can engage you and help you feel good on your own.
 
I'm sorry you're feeling alone. I can sympathize, I've felt lonely quite a bit since C and I broke up. I think it's a natural part of a break up, to feel that void that isn't going to be filled, really, by spending time with someone else. Even if you feel the break up was for the best, there is still some mourning and grieving to do. I think a mix of spending time with other friends, and spending time solo and sitting with the feeling of loss and loneliness, is the best answer.

Take care!
 
I am terribly sorry that you are hurting, and I hope you continue to take care of yourself. I have never felt lonely or even grieved/mourned the loss of a relationship, so I have no helpful tips for those things. The only thing I can suggest is getting out and meeting some new friends and spending time with loved ones. You need a distraction to not dwell on the break-up. In due time, you will start to believe that it was for the best. Right now, it hurts, but as with anything it will get better. Take care of yourself and spend some time alone, too. Do some things you like to do or have been meaning to do but never had the chance to. Sending hugs your way. :)

Ry
 
Thank you wildflowers, Cleo and Ry.

I'm starting to feel better already. I was in a weekend-long event and many of my poly friends were there too. Including Evan. So this was the first time I saw him after the break-up. It was alright. We didn't talk about anything very deep, just chatted about the event and light stuff like that. On the last day he said he's happy we can still hang out and talk. I'm happy about it too. :) We do have a lot of mutual friends, so I will see him often anyway, so it's really good to be in good terms. I'm not angry at him, he didn't do anything wrong. At some point it did hurt a little just to look at him and realise I can't touch him the way I used to, that it's not okay anymore to hold hands or kiss. But I'm sure that'll fade with time.

It has been weird in some ways to talk to Hank about the break-up. Not so much to rory, because she was there for me when I broke up with JJ, so she already knows what it's like. But this is the first time for Hank to be in this situation. I mean, he's dealing with it quite well, I don't have any complaints. It's just that sometimes I feel weird talking about it. At one point he said jokingly (and I do want to emphasize that it was clear from his tone of voice that he was joking) that now I just need to settle for the two partners that I've got. That felt quite bad even though I know he didn't mean it that way, he was just trying to lighten the mood. But I guess that's exactly the thing why I find it a bit difficult to talk about the hurt I'm feeling, to anybody really. I still have two partners who love me, what the hell am I complaining about? Nobody has said anything like that to me, but sometimes it feels like it's there between the lines.

There's also something I wanted to mention here, but it happened just before the break-up, so I didn't have the need to write about it then since there were more important issues at hand. So when I was visiting Home Country, I sort of reconnected with Bob. We haven't had sex in a long time, but this time he opened up a conversation about how things are different now and he could see us going back to the way things were before I left. We had a very good conversation about the past, what went wrong and he even apologized something he'd said back then. I left feeling like we understand each other better, it was great. And then we had sex as well. It was a strange experience, because I'm totally over the feelings I once had for him and now I only have friendly feelings towards him. Until that day I had never had sex with anyone (well, if we're talking about one-on-one sex) who I didn't have some kind of romantic feelings for. Now I have. It felt like sleeping with a totally different person, apparently that's how big of a difference it makes for me. Very interesting to have that experience now. So now the deal is that we're friends first, but if we happen to feel like it when we see each other (which is obviously rarely, since he's in Home Country and I'm here), the possibility for sex exists. At least as long as he's single. He said you never know, but he doesn't think it's likely that he'll end up in another open relationship again. So we'll see. It's an interesting turn of events in my mind, I feel like we started something completely new instead of returning to the way things were before.
 
JJ is coming to see me here next week! :) We've been keeping in touch regularly and he's been saying that he'll visit me one day. And now the time has come. I'm really happy about that and the fact that we managed to stay friends after breaking up. :)

I think it's time for a people update. Rory hasn't been feeling like writing here in a while, so I'll just mention that she and Ivy dated a short while but are not involved anymore. Then I have some new people to introduce. Hank met someone new a while ago, let's call her Janet. They've been on one date so far and another one is planned. They live in different places, so Hank lives in one, I live in another and Janet lives in a third one. We'll see what happens there.

I've had a crush on someone for a while now but I didn't want to write about it here before I told him, just in case. He is Hank's ex, so that made it a bit difficult in my head. They're still good friends though and that made it even more difficult for me. Hank has no problem with it, he'd actually prefer if I only dated people he knows are good people, but I just felt a bit weird about it. Anyway, me and this person, let's call him Kevin, were partying with a group of friends. Hank was there too. At some point I gathered enough courage (okay, maybe the alcohol helped a little too :p ) and told him that I've had a crush on him for a while now. He hugged me, said "Aaw, I think you're great too" and then we made out a little. I felt like I needed to get that off my chest, but I have no agenda. I'm really happy with two partners and am not really looking for a third one. I mean, if things happen, they happen, but I'm not trying anything. For some reason I just needed to say that to him. Even though I worry that the next time I see him it'll be awkward, I'm still glad I did it.

Hank's job situation is a bit up in the air, but there's a chance that he might be moving to Dream City in a month! I really hope it happens. And, here's the best part: we're considering moving in together. :) We definitely want and need separate bedrooms, otherwise it wouldn't work. But I'm so tired of living with random strangers that keep changing all the time that this sounds like a really good plan. And with separate bedrooms we can still have our own space easily and space to be with other people. We'll see. It's quite exciting to think about. :)
 
Oh, visit! Glad it's happening.

I know what you mean about wanting to speak up about a crush, but having no agenda. For me, it's almost like I simply don't want to regret saying nothing! And not that I need things to progress any particular way. Plus, I imagine it can be nice for someone to hear that they are attractive to others :p

You and Hank maybe living together, eh? Interesting times :) Though separate rooms will certainly simplify things!
 
Thanks for the reply, fuchka! Yeah, I think I feel pretty much the same way. Not wanting to regret anything and also the thought that I'd like to know if someone had a crush on me, so why shouldn't I say that to others.

Moving in together is becoming more and more certain. Now it's basically only up to one thing and Hank finds out about that in a couple of days. If he gets the job (it's looking pretty good at the moment), we'll start looking properly. I say properly because we already started a bit and called a few places, but we won't go see them before we know for sure. We've spent a lot of time on talking about potential pitfalls and problems in living together, but I think we've managed to tackle most of them in theory. Obviously you never know what's going to happen and we can never prepare for everything. But it still feels good to talk about different possible outcomes. One thing we spent a lot of time on is what do we do if one of us starts dating - and bringing back home - someone that the other really dislikes. That's a tough one, I don't know what to think about that. At the moment it's not an issue since Hank likes rory, but who knows about the future. That was the only issue we didn't come up a solution to. I guess we'll just have to cross that bridge when we come to it, if we ever do.

I wrote this about 6 months ago:

I've noticed a change in myself recently. I've become more sexual somehow. I've been jokingly called a pervert quite a lot recently, one time it was even "colossal pervert". :p I talk about sex more and I do it more directly, I think about it more and I want to have it more than before. It's interesting. I don't know what has happened, but at least I'm really happy to be poly right now, so that there is more than one person to fulfill these increasing desires. :D

The thing is, nowadays I feel horny so often that I don't even recognize myself anymore. How come I've changed so much? It's weird. The truth is that I'm not getting as much sex as I'd like. Although with two partners I probably get more than I would with one, but I'd still like more. I don't remember the last time I declined sex when my partner suggested it. I'm starting to feel like my sex drive is excessive. I'm trying to keep a sex-positive attitude and not think that it's a bad thing to want sex often, but lately it's been feeling more like a burden. Why can't I just be happy with what I've got? I mean, I am happy otherwise of course, but there's just that one thing. And it's not even all about the orgasms, even though they're great too, it's more about touching and kissing all over. It's about experimenting, experiencing and being close to each other. That's what I crave. So doing it by myself doesn't help much.
 
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So Hank and I are definitely moving in together. He got the job. We found a place we really liked and we're now waiting to find out if we got it. I really hope so! The place has really good connections to both of our jobs and other places we need to go, and it's also not too bad for rory to come over. I really really liked it, so fingers crossed! :)
 
Yay, how exciting! Fingers are crossed for you guys! :)
 
Thanks RainyGrlJenny!

We got the place, yay! :) :) It's a really nice place, I'm so happy! :)

JJ's visit was good, we had a great time together. And I very recently also got a promotion at work. I have two awesome partners who I love more than I can say. Now I get to live with one of them and plan dates with the other a bit more freely than before, schedule-wise. I couldn't be happier. :)
 
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Congratulations! I hope for the best!
 
Thanks evad! :)

So now we've lived in our new place for about 3 weeks. The first week was pretty much organising everything and in the second week Hank started his course. I previously called it a job here, but it's basically a short but intense course followed by a job if everything goes according to plan. So he's been on the course for a couple of weeks now. It takes up most of his time and when he's not working on the course, he's usually quite tired. So, farewell sex life for the duration of the course. :( Well, not farewell completely of course, but almost. The first week he was on the course I felt sad most of the days. I felt like I barely saw him even though we live together and I was really craving for sex and wasn't getting it. Now I've already gotten used to it and I'm not expecting anything. I'm just enjoying the time we do get together and waiting for the course to end, hoping for things to return to normal then. It's all about expectations isn't it? So it's all good.

Last weekend we went to a party. I had sex with two new people, one on the night of the party and the other the next day when people were just hanging around in the house after the party. (It's a big house.) Had a good time. :D I feel like this weird sex drive increase is changing me and how I make decisions. I never used to be a one night stand kinda girl, but apparently I am now, at least if I'm not getting enough sex from partners. I'm not sure if this is a continuing trend, but it feels a bit strange and I don't know what to make of that.
 
I'm always glad to hear your updates, Mya!
 
Thanks Meera! :)

Me and Hank had a bit of a rough time with not getting enough time together due to his course, but I think we're in a better place with it now. We've managed to schedule one evening a week for us. Obviously we see each other on some of the other evenings as well, but it's very unpredictable, so sometimes it's like 2 hours and sometimes Hank comes home late in the evening and goes straight to bed. So I only know I'm going to see him that one evening a week. Which is way better than before when we didn't have a plan, it was just like 'We live together, so surely we'll see each other often enough'. We had a really good conversation about this a week ago. I felt we both understood each other better and were able to reach some conclusions. I felt deeply connected, heard and understood.

I had a birthday party this weekend and it was great! I was with Hank on Friday evening and rory was here almost the whole weekend. I got a lot of alone time with her, as well as time with both rory and Hank together. It was really good. :) Rory has started dating (very early days, they've been on two dates so far) a person I knew before she did, they met at mine and Hank's housewarming. I'll call her Lily. So Lily was at my birthday party as well. I really like that rory and Lily are dating. :) I was actually looking for a place with Lily and another poly woman before me and Hank decided to move in together. If that had happened, rory would now be dating two people who live in the same apartment. :p Anyway, obviously I like Lily, otherwise I wouldn't have considered living with her in the first place. So I am happy that they've found each other. It's too early to say anything yet, so we'll see how it goes, but they do seem to like each other. :)
 
I feel like I'm vaguely interested in different ways in several people at the moment. I have a date with one of them next week and I am looking forward to it. She asked me out and I do think she's really nice, but I just don't know her very well yet to say anything more than that. We'll see how it goes. :) I'm also a bit interested in a guy I met at a poly event that I went to recently - which is also where I met the woman I'm going out with next week. Me and the guy spent a lot of time cuddling there (as did many other people as well, there was a cuddle pile kind of thing). After the cuddling I asked him if he'd like a kiss and he said 'Just a little one'. So we had a little kiss. I felt half-rejected after that one, so I don't know if he's into me or not. Then there's one of the guys I had sex with that I wrote about recently; I wouldn't mind doing that again. I'm also seeing Evan next week, the first time we're meeting up one-on-one after the break-up. The last time I saw him (at a party) I told him that I'm pretty much over the romantic feelings I had for him but I would still be open to having sex with him if he's interested. He said 'I'll definitely keep that in mind'. So we'll see, I don't know if it's going to happen or not, but I'm open to the idea.
 
Me and rory had quite a difficult and emotional conversation that lasted for several days. It was mostly through messages and then she said she needs a break from the conversation to deal with it. A couple of days after that we talked on the phone about it and we're good now. But man, that was rough. We were both pretty down about it for days. I don't want to go into the subject of it that deeply, but basically I criticized her about a thing she does regularly and she considers that to be a part of her personality and finds it difficult to change. And also, it might not even be healthy to change yourself for someone else. So she felt bad about acting that way but also about me trying to change her and I felt bad about being the jerk who wants to change their partner. We're okay now, she'll try to take that into consideration in the future and I try to accept her as she is since nobody's perfect.

After that and dealing with the time management thing with Hank very recently, I feel kinda exhausted. I don't want to have another heavy relationship conversation in a while. And that made me think again about this dating thing. I'm back on OKC because I feel I have a lot of time on my hands even though I have two partners. I haven't messaged anyone there yet, because I'm still figuring out what I actually want. I think it's clear that I want more sex in my life. But whenever I see a profile that suggests the person is there only for sex, it's a big turn-off for me. Conflicted! If I could choose, I'd just want to have more sex with my current partners, but that's not up to me entirely. I don't know what to do. I guess I'd need some sort of a FWB or a fuckbuddy or something, but I don't seem to be very good at that.

I have a date today, the one I mentioned in my previous post. I know it's only a date, doesn't mean anything yet, but I'm still nervous that I won't be able to give whatever she is expecting. I feel like there's a big chance that I will disappoint her. Obviously I don't even know what she wants, but the reason why I feel like I'm failing somehow is that I don't know what I want, at all. Not just from her, but from anybody. I have no idea what I'm doing! I think I might be open to having a third romantic relationship if I felt really strongly towards someone and felt like I had almost no choice but to be with them. Kinda like what happened with Hank in the beginning. But at the same time I rationally think maybe I shouldn't deliberately put myself in a position where that could happen if I'm this exhausted already. I really don't know if it would be worth it. I guess I'll just have to go with the flow and see what happens. I just feel really insecure right now.
 
The date was gooood! :) I had a lovely time. She's a really good kisser as well. Mmm.. I talked about my situation and how I don't know what I want or am able to give right now. Luckily she's also really busy, so we agreed to make this as low pressure as possible. That was a relief. We have another date planned in a couple of weeks. We'll see what happens. :) I think I'll need to name her now. I'll call her Maxine.
 
Things seem to go quite nicely for rory and Lily. I continue being happy for them. The thing is, it's very easy being ok with what she does, because whenever rory has something new in her life, a person, a hobby, anything, she always makes time for me regardless. That makes me feel really safe and loved. I feel like I can trust her and I genuinely believe she wants to be with me as much as I want to be with her. We've been seeing each other twice a week for pretty much the whole time we've lived in the same city, even though both of our situations have varied a lot.

Hank and Janet is a bit different. Of course I'm also happy for Hank that he's dating someone he likes and he seems happy. But the thing is, ever since they started dating there's been a few situations where he has chosen her over me and that stings. The last time was actually pretty recently. Because of his intense work/course schedule we had set aside a time to spend together on a Saturday - or that's what I thought. On Thursday he informs me that he's seeing Janet on Saturday. I said I thought we had plans then. He said he hadn't realised (and didn't check Google calendar, it was marked there). Even so, he still wanted to see her. She doesn't live in our city and happened to be visiting just then. So screw our plans, Janet's in town! I'm still not totally over that, especially since that's not the only time something like this has happened. Hank tried to organise another time that weekend when we could see each other but there really weren't any good options. I had plans with friends on Friday that I had agreed to a long time ago, so didn't want to cancel that. Me and Hank were supposed to see each other briefly after his course and before me meeting my friends, which was about 45 minutes. During that time I started talking about how hurt I was when he canceled our plans on Saturday when there really wasn't another time that could be moved to. He suggested we could still hang out a bit after I come home on that Friday evening, but that's really not the same since I was planning on staying out quite late. Well, I then decided I would leave earlier just to spend some time with him in the evening. But then the conversation got so emotional and I became so sad that I didn't want to go anymore. I was not in the mood to have fun. So I messaged my friends (it was a large group, so I wasn't abandoning a single friend) to say I won't be able to make it after all. We went home, I cried a lot and then we had the biggest fight we've ever had. We yelled at each other, which is something neither of us do normally. And that was the first time we've ever done that to each other. It was horrible. I guess we both felt misunderstood by the other one and became more and more frustrated. But then we took a bath together and calmed down. We talked about it more calmly and eventually managed to go to bed not angry. Even though that has been resolved and I've forgiven him, I'm still feeling a bit insecure. And that directly influences how I feel about Hank and Janet dating. I'm not restricting them in any way, Hank is free to make his own choices regarding this, but I know it's going to take some time before I can feel compersion again.

I've been on two dates with Maxine so far. It has been really nice. :) I'm still a bit unsure about what I want with her and I don't have very strong feelings yet, but it's only been two dates so I guess that's normal. We have a third date set up already and I am looking forward to it. I bumped into her yesterday and it felt really nice to see her like that, unexpectedly. I like spending time with her, but time will tell whether it will grow into anything more.

Then I finally met up with Evan the other day. We've been trying to make that happen for a while now, but something has always come up. So it's been almost four months since we broke up and this was the first time we've seen each other one-on-one after that. We've seen each other a few times at parties because we have a lot of mutual friends. It was really really nice to see him.. almost too nice. He's so much fun to hang out with and still oh so attractive to me. He brought up that he thinks it wouldn't be a good idea at the moment to start sleeping together as friends. He's had some relationship drama lately and he doesn't want to start overthinking what it would mean if we started doing that. That's probably wise. I told him that I'm open to pretty much anything happening between us in the future and that being platonic friends is also a good thing. He said he appreciates that and just wants to be quite cautious right now. I think we were both kinda surprised how nice it was to hang out again and when he left we hugged for quite a long time. It felt really warm. When I was home alone, I just had to cry. Before seeing him I was so sure I was over him. Well, I guess it's easier to be over someone if you don't really even see them. But now I have to admit that the feeling is still there. Maybe not as strong as before, but it's definitely there. I hope it gets easier with time because I do want to hang out with him again.
 
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