The Grey Area Between Parallel and Kitchen Table Polyamory

Alluvion

Member
So my spouse recently broke up with his girlfriend. When they were dating, the polycule - including her other partners - was really into kitchen table style. We celebrated birthdays together, had various various holidays parties, or would even just go out as a group spontaneously for some ice cream.

My meta and I would also occasionally get together alone to do friend stuff like have a cup of coffee or go shopping. She was eager to become good friends with me, and I was willing to give it a try since I was fairly new to all of this and wasn't sure what my preferences were yet. (She was only the second person my spouse has dated so far).

I like her as a person, but our personalities couldn’t be more different and we honestly don't share a lot of common interests.

In the future, I’d be happy to be friendly and polite with metas when we're at the same events and exchange contact information in case of an emergency. If they wanted, I'd also be cool with meeting up once to talk about how we practice polyamory and see what we might have in common.

With that being said, I'm not interested in pursuing actual friendships with them unless they’re people I’d want to befriend if I'd met them in some other context.

I totally respect other people’s desires to be good friends with everyone their partners date, but I’ve come to the conclusion that this simply isn’t my cup of tea. I’d much rather allow metamour relationships to develop naturally on their own, whether that means we become best friends or rarely/never see each other at all.

How close are (or were) all of you with your metamours? What expectations do you have of them as far as developing or not developing an independent friendship goes? I’d sure like to hear your thoughts on this.


(Also, this is the first thread I've made on these forums. If I've put it in the wrong section, please let me know!)
 
Poly was a new thing to me when I met XBF (Byron). I was told our relationship could be anything we wanted it to be. I was uncomfortable with his wife, but I tried to establish a friendship with her. In hindsight, I believe she expected us to be going on double dates with her and her dom right from the start and nothing less would do. I also think that she was used to Byron 'sharing' his new toys with her, so to speak.

So I think she expected kitchen table and sharing a bed. And she started causing trouble when she didn't get it.

The truth is, she and I have less than nothing in common.

I'm with you. I would be friends with someone if they're someone I would otherwise have been friends with. I can't see it ever working for two people to push themselves to be besties only because they're seeing the same person.
 
I totally agree that it can be really tricky to navigate. Whiskers’s wife (Curleycue) seems like someone I would really like to get to know. But I struggle with how to act around her — sometimes I feel like we could be best friends , but we aren’t there and I have to remind myself not to act like we are. We hug sometimes when we see each other, but that is also because I go out of my way to be super nice to Curleycue (giving her small things that I think she would appreciate) and so she hugs me in kind of an “oh you’re so sweet! Thank you!” Or an “I appreciate you as a person that makes Whiskers happy!” kind of way. We have talked to each other without Whiskers being directly involved in the conversation, but we have never just gone and hung out just the two of us. And I’m not sure we ever will. And I’m okay with that. It’s just a delicate thing to navigate.

Same with Ginger. I genuinely enjoy hanging out with Ginger, but I have to be careful to recognize that his relationship with Glasses is his choice....he didn’t choose me as a meta and we aren’t guaranteed to be besties.

Honestly, I had kind of the same relationship with my husband’s sister, who I enjoy hanging out with, but I wouldn’t get together with her independently of spending time with my husband. So I think the main thing is (for ideally both people) to be aware of the fact that this is kind of an in-laws situation. You might be best friends with your sister-in-law, but you aren’t *guaranteed* to be best friends with her. It is best if you can be polite and friendly and you might end up being close friends, but it isn’t required. Ever.
 
I'm like you. I see no reason to force a friendship. I also don't want to feel I'm being forced to fit into a group in order to date someone. I have no problem being friendly with metas. If a natural friendship develops, that's fine. I'm also fine with the occasional party or all of us attending the same event together.

Most of my partners have been poly friendly monos who had no interest in hanging out with my other partners. I've only had one partner who was into KTP, but she was fine with it not being my thing.
 
...I’d be happy to be friendly and polite with metas when we're at the same events and exchange contact information in case of an emergency. If they wanted, I'd also be cool with meeting up once to talk about how we practice polyamory and see what we might have in common.

With that being said, I'm not interested in pursuing actual friendships with them unless they’re people I’d want to befriend if I'd met them in some other context.

... I’d much rather allow metamour relationships to develop naturally on their own, whether that means we become best friends or rarely/never see each other at all.

Exactly. This is how I feel as well. I have zero expectations beyond basic civility if we meet.

(MrS and Dude were best friends for years before Dude and I met and got together - so different dynamic between them.)
 
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Hi Alluvion,

It sounds like you are sort of in the gray area between parallel and kitchen table poly. And that is okay. I personally don't think either style is better than the other, and for many people a mix of the two works best. As it happens, my V is definitely of the kitchen table style, my metamour and I don't have a whole lot in common with each other but we often watch TV shows together, also the three of us often eat out together or go on road trips together. It just works for us; me personally I don't have a preference. So I guess I am also in the gray area.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Dear Alluvion,

I think that a dynamic where friendship or hanging out with metas is always required goes a little beyond kitchen table poly into some pretty unhealthy territory. It’s true that people who do that love to throw around the term ‘kitchen table poly’ (and, hey, when I lived in a five person polycule a decade ago, I’m sorry to say, we were those people). But my stance these days is more that metas are welcome at my table if they feel comfortable there. Nobody’s required to be best pals if they’re not feeling it. I like Ms. Emotional’s metaphor of sisters-in-law.

Hope you get to be in the space you need (however it’s defined)!
 
My preference is for parallel poly. I value my alone time. Even spending weekends with my partner of seven years (we live over an hour apart) leaves me feeling tired and happy to get back to my introvert time (he is a major extrovert).

So, for me to spend time with his other partners would be a big drain on my energies. It would either cut into my time with my partner, my alone time, or my other commitments/hobbies/friends/family (plus full-time job). Add to that the fact that he lives somewhat far from me, and it's not really practical for me to spend much time with metamours.

I've met a couple people he'd dated. Sometimes the three of us go to lunch, and fairly often I'll be at a party with a metamour or two. I enjoy talking to them but have no need to spend time with them on their own.

My partner and I are polar opposites in a lot of ways. He's very social, energetic, extroverted, also has a super high sex drive and is much kinkier than me, and likes recreational drug stuff that I don't care for. So for his other partners, he seeks out people who are compatible with those aspects of his personality.

As such, the women he dates are usually not compatible friends for me. They have wildly divergent interests! And that's fine. He doesn't need TWO girlfriends who would both rather curl up with a book than go to Burning Man :)

Similarly, my other ideal partner would be an introvert who will stay in and read with me. I would not expect him to be best buds with my partner--I am imagine they would find each other annoying.
 
Actually, a man I'm 'dating' (the only one who is not my partner) just yesterday invited me to meet his wife for lunch when they're in town sometime on a Sunday. This is a fella I've only spent face-to-face time with on two occasions, so it's not like "Meet The Family" time, per se. Just a casual "hey, let's all have lunch" thing.

This will be my first ever meeting of the spouse or partner of someone I'm 'dating' (in quotes simply because I want to highlight a bit of reserve toward the term 'dating' -- as if you're curious). There are plenty of firsts in this emerging (maybe) relationship. It's my (and his) first long distance dating thingy. It's my first time exploring 'dating' with a man who has never 'dated' a man before (he's been sexual with men, but never really 'involved'). It's my first time 'dating' a man who has a wife. Etc....

I say "long distance". It's really only just over fifty miles! As long distance goes, this is not a lot of distance. But I'm discovering that it's more challenging than one might think -- especially when one or more of the parties involved have an otherwise full life, regards available time. It's not like we can simply get together for tea or coffee--or stroll in the park--on a sudden whim. But I see I'm digressing and tangenting so I'll stop rambling now. :p
 
I'd honestly say that sometimes you can have it both ways. Some metas are people you want to text every day and be great friends with and hang out with one on one. You want them at your birthday.

Others you may like, but have nothing in common with besides your partner. So, you'll do certain things together {like celebrate your shared partners birthday) as a group, but not your birthday.

Some, you may just want to be an acquaintance with. Where, you're meh about them. Again, if your shared partner wants them at their birthday, it won't ruin it for you, you just won't really say more than hi or bye.

Some will be something like a FWB, where they aren't serious enough to even come to a BD party.

I'd say that all of you should be an emergency contact or have a list of the emergency contacts; FWB may not be someone you'd ever call; but they need to know who they should call. I have my mom, dad, B and Z as my emergency contacts. No matter what, Z will be contacted. No matter what Z will tell B.
Z has me, his mom and B as emergency contacts. Neither B nor I drive, and even if we did we only have one vehicle. So, in the end, we will always contact someone who can.

Meta relationships, to me, are the hardest to navigate. Even with being mono. If they have a friend you don't like it can suck hugely. You have to be respectful of their relationship (unless it's like...abusive or dangerous), but they also have to be respectful of yours. You really hate a meta and having them over would ruin your day? yeah, maybe have two birthday parties. Not every meta relationship is going to be amazing, unfortunately. We all have baggage, and for a lot of friends or partners, certain blinders on.
Be honest with yourself, and your partner, about your feelings. Just remember, honesty without tact is cruelty.
 
I think it's the media, which is fantasy based around "polyamory," which makes it seem at all a thing for metas to be good friends, to live together, to share a big ol' bed with the hinge in the middle, to even be lovers with each other.

My live-in long term lover/partner/spouse Pixi, is female, as am I. We both date men. We've tried something like kitchen table with my various bfs. She's friendly, she's cute, she's likable and lovable. More often than not, my bf of the moment thinks it's OK to try and get with her. It took us a few years to realized this doesn't work for us. So we've tried that with a couple guys, it's awkward, it's weird, we gave up on it. So I inform men when chatting before meeting them, that getting with her is out of the question.

One guy (a couple years ago) never crossed the line. There was never a hint of inpropriety. He kept his sex drive to me, while still enjoying her company completely platonically. That was really nice, and respectful, and made Pixi and me feel very secure. We could hang out, talk, eat together, go for walks and whatnot and never a line was crossed.

The guy I saw last year, Kahlo, in 2018, turned out to be a real jerk. It took a like 6 months for his NRE for me to start to wane, and then he started crossing lines, despite both of us having told him she wasn't interested, bringing her alcohol after I went to bed, trying to touch her while they watched TV, etc.,... ugh! I had to break up with him.

So with my latest guy (BigGuy), Pixi has decided to keep her distance. Now, he's a super sweetie and has good ethics. He'd respect our boundaries of no sexual stuff between her and any bf of mine. But she's just being extra cautious. So far, in a year, she has gone to her bf's house every time BigGuy has come here. They've only met briefly in the driveway once when he was leaving when she was coming home.

Horny guys! It's so weird they think that just because we are poly, and bi, that they have the right to hit on Pixi, even asking me about it before they've met me or her! As if she's got no standards (because obviously he doesn't!). Obviously there's a big lack of understanding what polyamory is. So many guys I've talked to on OK Cupid seem to think it means immediate threeway casual sex, when that's totally not the case.
 
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