Sleeping Arrangement Assumptions and Tactful Communication

It rather does sound like a recipe for breaking people's hearts. :(

I wouldn't want to tell somebody else how to go about their lives either but I suspect I would run a mile from somebody as careless with the mental health of others as Rider seems to be.

The thing is that he isn't purposefully callous—in fact, exactly the opposite. He feels things and clicks with people and responds to people from a very genuine place, and this is what draws them in. He gets sentimental and lovey and affectionate toward people very easily. But it does not translate to "in love" as easily. But he tends toward being oblivious, and perhaps wishfully thinking that everyone else can separate romantic/sexual friendship from madly-in-love the same way that he can.

I dunno. Maybe it is also callous of me to kind of shed responsibility for any of this as long as I am getting my needs met. I try to operate under the tenet that everyone involved is an adult and that exactly the same thing would be happening if I weren't at all involved, and so all I can do is look out for whether I am getting my OWN needs met and whether I am responding to my partners' needs. What they do with their other partners, insomuch as it does not affect me, is not really my business. This is a new development, but it is one that has lent me more peace than my previous model.

I am really angry with N for suggesting to L - in front of me - that they should switch nights, aka switch who shared my bed. It was even just an hour before we were all going to sleep. While there was rationale for the suggestion, the request I made long time ago is that we never switch nights, or at least if we are going to, we will talk about it forhand. I hate it being as last minute debate. And I never ask them to switch nights.

We ended up not switching but I still feel bad about it
it, it makes me feel like a toy and something the boys can be polite to each other about, like a piece of chocolate they are offering to give each other.

I can understand this viewpoint totally, and it seems like a reasonable thing to expect to discuss changes with your actual partner, rather than having it handled between two partners without your input. I wouldn't take kindly to this either, I don't think.

I am also an introvert and have my own needs for space and being away from people - but bed-sharing is not an issue with me. Letting people into my house is a way bigger hurdle for me. Where they sleep is not even on my radar.

Yeah, for me, personally (perhaps because I also have a roommate, who occasionally has her own guests), my line is pretty much drawn at the door to my room, not to my apartment. I would let an army of acquaintances camp out in the living room, as long as I could retreat to my bed with my chosen one/few. I have a (very) small number of people who get "total hall passes" to be with me no matter what: Rider, Oona, Moss, and Jake. Sam is almost in there, but he's still on the borderline sometimes. Kelly's not quite there yet. In my apartment? Sure. In my hotel room with my offer? Sure. Expecting access to my bed, carte blanche? Yeah, not quite there yet. Eventually, maybe, but I've been hanging out with her for less than a year and this stuff takes TIME for me.
 
Last edited:
my line is pretty much drawn at the door to my room, not to my apartment. I would let an army of acquaintances camp out in the living room, as long as I could retreat to my bed with my chosen one/few

Just an aside, but have you considered what your line will be when Rider moves in with you? I ask just out of curiosity as I've been mulling this around lately (with me & Blue.) My current stance is what Blue does in his bed is Blue's business. That's easy right now because we haven't merged households (though he spends most nights at mine.) Since we've been seriously discussing merging homes...maybe even having a commitment ceremony, I've been thinking about this. My bed will be his bed. How will I feel when he brings other women to 'our bed'? I still haven't figured it out yet... and likely won't until it actually happens. I'll be honest though, that this is one of the reasons we haven't moved into together yet (that and because I have two teens still at home for 1 & 2 more years and we both realize the challenges of hosting others when there are children at home.)
 
I can understand this viewpoint totally, and it seems like a reasonable thing to expect to discuss changes with your actual partner, rather than having it handled between two partners without your input. I wouldn't take kindly to this either, I don't think.
It was not so much that they were trying to solve it in between themselves -which would have been probably ok had they had a plan going for them - it was more the shere impulsivity; discussing it less than a day before the change (in fact just a couple of hours before), discussing this theme it in front of me like I was not there despite that our flat has a balcony where they could had the discussion without me overhearing it... I tend to like their casual "hey why don't we" attitiudite about lots of stuff but don't like it when it comes to sleeping arrangements. My whole mindset is directed into who I will share my bed with that night. I might flirt a little more with the person I will spend the night with. I look forward to it, I plan what I would like to happen, I might even had bought special underwear just for that person, I think about should we repeat what we did two nights ago or perhaps do something to contrast it, I feel more connected knowing that I will spend the night with one rather than the other. It feels a bit like thinking you are going to the rock concert and then last minute someone tells you it is the opera. There is nothing wrong with opera and I quite like it, but it becomes weird when all day you thought it was going to be rock.

It felt especially silly since their reason for possably changing nights was that my husband had insisted on getting a tatoo the very last day here, despite my advice that it would hurt, make him feel tired etc. and therefore he should take it a couple of days earlier (but then he could not be out in the sun). He had a whole two weeks to plan this. If he had followed my advice, the majority of the pain would be on another day. So not only were they casual about the sleeping arrangements, but they were trying to change nights to fix a problem that my husband had created by not following my advice in the FIRST place. Which was generally a problem when he was visiting - I live here part time, and have done so for more than a year plus visiting beyond that, but still he was very slow to follow my advice on how to do things here - so I felt he was not acknowledging my expertese which was hurtful. I had just done a tattoo himself and had gotten the advice from the tattooist not to have sex the same night, which I have told him about several times. It just goes into the whole pile of me going into agression mode because I feel my husband doesn't always listen to me or respect the knowledge that I have gained even when his own grasp of the situation is bad. It is just a general thing, and something I am very sensitive about because of things that happened between me and my husband in the past. I am actually more upset with my husband for not flat out refusing to discuss it last minute than I am for my boyfriend offering in the first place (to put things in perspective my boyfriend the previous day also spontanously offered a friend to stay over, despite that we have only two bedrooms. Luckily she declined/I refused). I have more issues when my husband does things that hurt my feelings, I forgive my boyfriend more easily. I am not sure of that is fair to them but I am tired of having the same type of conflicts with my husband but I have more patience with my boyfriend's faults.
 
Last edited:
Just an aside, but have you considered what your line will be when Rider moves in with you? I ask just out of curiosity as I've been mulling this around lately (with me & Blue.) My current stance is what Blue does in his bed is Blue's business. That's easy right now because we haven't merged households (though he spends most nights at mine.) Since we've been seriously discussing merging homes...maybe even having a commitment ceremony, I've been thinking about this. My bed will be his bed. How will I feel when he brings other women to 'our bed'? I still haven't figured it out yet... and likely won't until it actually happens. I'll be honest though, that this is one of the reasons we haven't moved into together yet (that and because I have two teens still at home for 1 & 2 more years and we both realize the challenges of hosting others when there are children at home.)

We're going to have several phases of living together, and I think that things will go a little differently in each of them. I'm moving into his place in two months, and we discussed only in passing that the way that it will probably work is to mostly have threesomes or—if we need alone time with someone else—we will go to the other person's house or to a motel. I suppose that if I were to find someone local that I wanted to spend the night with at their place, he could have someone over to our place, and vice versa. So far, in theory, I don't feel very territorial about the idea of "our bed," perhaps because for the past two years, I have known that room as "his room." Maybe my feelings will change once I'm moved in, but I feel like there's a decent chance that they won't because we're only going to be in there together for 3.5 months before we move to Opposite Coast together. As long as I'm not getting kicked out of the bed that I usually sleep in, I think I'll be fine.

Once we're on Opposite Coast, I think we're going to spend most of our time initially focusing on getting our lives there set up. Neither of us will have local partners beyond each other at the outset, and I think it'll be unlikely that we acquire any quickly, since Rider will be job hunting, and we will be on kind of a tight budget both living off of my salary until he find something—not a lot of extra funds for dating. We'll be in a little one bedroom like the place he has now for probably the first six months to a year. After that, we plan to move into a bigger place where we will each have our own room (and likely rotate which one we both sleep in), and I expect that we will be established and mellow enough by that point to tolerate each other having visitors in the next room. It'll be a bonus if we can find a place that doesn't involve sharing bedroom walls.

Of course, I can't be 100% sure that all of that is exactly how it would go, but it is my best guess at the moment.

Back when Rider was still with Claire, I know that one of the reasons he said he wanted to keep living alone indefinitely was because he knew she wouldn't want to come over if I lived with him, even if it were a two-bedroom and I kept to my room while she was there. Pretty much as soon as they broke up, he started talking about how it might be nice for us to live together when my lease was up.

It's kind of weird to think about how utterly mellow I was about Claire (before I realized how toxic things had gotten) and how, early in my blog, I had postulated that I'd be fine living with them BOTH if she were down for it. But I am in some ways more territorial and less mellow now, especially when it comes to Kelly things. I feel like I need a clear delineation of my own space and a sense of control over who can come into it when. It's probably a mixed bag:

- being gun-shy after how things went down with the Rider/Claire situation
- having been with Rider longer now, so I am more emotionally entangled
- Kelly being the first new person after me that Rider has been interested in (all others were a standing interest that he suddenly had opportunities with, but I knew about them and wasn't blindsided by them)
- aforementioned (in other threads) problems with the way that Rider started things with Kelly that led to some jealousy on my part
- working on my own notion of boundaries as a result of reading therapist-recommended books, which is making me far less doormat-y than I have been in past relationships

It was way easier for me to come into a situation and just accept "this is the way that things are; this is the slice that I get" than it has been for me to handle a new person coming along and slicing a piece off of what I'd been used to, and when that person acts entitled to it rather than sensitive about it, especially if it encroaches upon my notions of personal space, then it rubs me the wrong way. I am sure it's just part of the figuring things out process, though. Eventually, it will all be old hat to me, and I'll have a good set of tools for whatever situation I might find myself in. I am sure that my situation will continue to change and evolve as time wears on. :)
 
Wow, this sure is a long thread, with lots of long, wordy posts, for an issue you keep saying is "really no big deal." Methinks you doth protest too much!

I was pretty much done with it (and the event is actually over) when PinkPig asked me about potential future circumstances. Is the protocol usually to start a new thread in that case? Or to answer it in my blog? If so, can you move it over? Sorry—I don't spend a lot of time in this particular board of the forums. I don't mean to clutter it up with a thread that ends up with many tangents.

And, yeah, I'm long and wordy. I always err on the side of more detail. Should I try to edit more before sending things? I defer to your judgment.

ETA: I will pretty much keep responding to people if they keep giving me food for thought and asking questions, no matter how "over" an issue might be. But maybe I could use some guidelines about when to make a new thread in those cases?
 
Last edited:
No complaints here ...
 
I'm really glad that it all went okay at the weekend and everything worked out. I found myself thinking lots about some of your reply to me.

The thing is that he isn't purposefully callous—in fact, exactly the opposite. He feels things and clicks with people and responds to people from a very genuine place, and this is what draws them in.

The thing is that I'm not all that convinced it matters all that much if somebody is purposefully callous or if their callous behaviour is as a result of them just not thinking and going about their life as they wish.

Either way, the person on the receiving end still isn't treated well and I think that is what matters - at least to them.

I think that to all of us, our intentions, our emotions, our inner thoughts and feelings are incredibly important. They shape the world we live in and allow us to decide how to act in the world. For all of that importance, these things are internal, can only be known by the person experiencing them. The rest of the world can only know these internal workings at a distance through our actions.

The world I live in is populated by people who work together, who are supportive of each other and who help others become the best that they can be. :) So that I can continue to live in that world, people like that are the people closest to me. Having those wonderful folks be closest to me helps me to be more like them - which is what I want to be - and helps them do more of that stuff too. We strengthen and help each other.

I am completely sympathetic with folk getting things wrong sometimes - it happens - and not being perfect. We are all human and these things happen.

I am also completely sympathetic with folk who can't be supportive of others, who see other people as a way to get what they want, who compete with those around them and who worry that other people getting what they need is a direct challenge to them. As I am with the folk who treat others badly. All of those folk have their own paths to walk and are living an internal life that I know nothing about. If I can be helpful to those people at a distance, I will be - but I would not have somebody who regularly exhibited behaviours that I don't see as helpful close to me. Even if they did it without meaning to.

In my world (and this is backed up by numerous experiments and writings of others) people are strongly affected by those around them. I want to continue to be kind and empathetic and able to give strength and confidence to others and so I need to spend most of my time with people who have those qualities themselves.

But he tends toward being oblivious, and perhaps wishfully thinking that everyone else can separate romantic/sexual friendship from madly-in-love the same way that he can.

I'm not sure this is about separating friendship from being madly in love exactly. I'm not in exactly the same boat as you because I'm monogamous with my partner so my friends don't think they will have sex with me if they travel to visit me.

But - it is reasonable to assume that if they have come to see me, that I will spend some time alone with them. I will put half a day or a day aside to just be with them. To catch up and reconnect. Art and other friends may well hang around too but I will make sure I have alone time with the friend who's come to visit.

I would never say to a friend that I'll spend time with them only if Art isn't available because if he is there, I'd obviously rather he was with us.

That is kind of the message you were thinking that Rider may give to Kelly. That he may have sex with and spend the night with her so long as you aren't available but if you are available, Kelly needs to understand that you are his priority and he'd rather be with you.

That is not about not being in love, that's just treating somebody like they don't matter - which is not a very friendly way to behave. At least not in my world.

Maybe it is also callous of me to kind of shed responsibility for any of this as long as I am getting my needs met. I try to operate under the tenet that everyone involved is an adult and that exactly the same thing would be happening if I weren't at all involved, and so all I can do is look out for whether I am getting my OWN needs met and whether I am responding to my partners' needs.

I think this is what you need to do to deal with the situation you are in. I think I'd probably have to do exactly the same thing if I wanted to remain in a relationship with somebody who treats others in the way that Rider seems to.

To me, the cost would be too high. If I found myself having that sort of narrative in my mind, I would be backing away.

I want more love in my life and I believe that the way to get it is to be caring and empathetic. Starting to think that it's okay for my partner to treat others badly so long as he doesn't do it to me does not fall within my definition of caring and empathetic. If I needed to be more callous to stay in a relationship, I'd start to question whether or not that relationship was really what I needed in my life.

But you are not me and I have really very strange views on the world. What I would decide and what most people would decide are not always in alignment.

IP
 
If Kelly is willing to accept crumbs because that is all rider is willing to offer does that make him a bad person?

I don't think Rider is a bad person at all.

I think he acts toward some of the people in his life in ways that would not be acceptable to me. That doesn't make him bad - just different from what I want to see in my world.

What people are willing to accept isn't really how I tend to guide my life. People are willing to accept all manner of things. I'm pretty sure that if I sought it out I could find partners who would accept me being verbally violent toward them on a regular basis and who would still stay and still try to appease me. I don't want to be a verbally violent person, though, so I'm not going to try and find those people.

To an extent those of us rich enough to not have to worry about food and shelter create the worlds we live in. Or rather, we co-create them with those around us, with our living and working environments and with our actions in the world.

In my world, it is simply not okay to be saying to anybody at all that they must understand that while I might act in a loving way toward them, might at times even act like they are the centre of my world, that they have to understand that if the proper person (my spouse) is present then that person gets all the loving acts and words.

It doesn't make people who act in that way bad people - just not folks I want close to me.

My belief is that treating people that way over time leads to habits I wouldn't want to see in myself and a tendency to see people as objects. Plus I think it opens the door to drama and resentment in relationships.

I want love and openness and respect in my relationships - all of them, not just the sexual ones. If I want that, I need to act in ways that are compatible with getting what I want. That means I need to practise those actions all the time. The easiest way to do that is to organise my life so that those sorts of actions are prompted.

Simple really. :)
 
If Kelly is willing to accept crumbs because that is all rider is willing to offer does that make him a bad person?

I think that depends on how honest he is about what he's offering. In my opinion, he seems to want the benefits of a romantic partner without the obligation of a romantic partner. I'd read what he's offering as "you're my girlfriend until you want/need me to be your boyfriend". I believe that attitude will increase the chances of you pairing with someone who agrees to these conditions for the wrong reasons, such as "I don't deserve/can't get someone better suited to my needs".
 
Last edited:
I want love and openness and respect in my relationships - all of them, not just the sexual ones. If I want that, I need to act in ways that are compatible with getting what I want. That means I need to practise those actions all the time. The easiest way to do that is to organise my life so that those sorts of actions are prompted.

Simple really. :)

Or as the Beatles said:
🎼 "The love you take is equal to the love you make." 🎶
 
Heh-heh, my point was not about how or where in this forum this should be posted. My point was that the issue seems a lot more important to you than it seems you were ready to admit! Just giving you a playful poke about that!

Oh, haha. I completely misread that one! Well, it was indeed bothering me. I think that what happens is that something can start as a small point—a pinprick of light coming through canvas—and as I wriggle my way into the hole to examine it through discussion, I find a whole world of things I'd never thought of on the other side. I think that I have a lot to learn even from small, relatively unimportant things.

The thing is that I'm not all that convinced it matters all that much if somebody is purposefully callous or if their callous behaviour is as a result of them just not thinking and going about their life as they wish.

Either way, the person on the receiving end still isn't treated well and I think that is what matters - at least to them.

...

The world I live in is populated by people who work together, who are supportive of each other and who help others become the best that they can be. :) So that I can continue to live in that world, people like that are the people closest to me. Having those wonderful folks be closest to me helps me to be more like them - which is what I want to be - and helps them do more of that stuff too. We strengthen and help each other.

...

In my world (and this is backed up by numerous experiments and writings of others) people are strongly affected by those around them. I want to continue to be kind and empathetic and able to give strength and confidence to others and so I need to spend most of my time with people who have those qualities themselves.

I was just discussing this very idea with my best friend, Oona, on the phone last night. I was telling her that there have been enough occasions now of stuff like this that I can't be sure that Rider will ever be able to learn how not to do stuff like this—he DOES learn, and quickly, how not to be able to repeat the same mistake in an identical or near-identical situation, but it seems to me that he has a hard time generalizing the concept. Kind of like the difference between learning vocabulary and learning grammar—you can memorize a word, but there's a pattern to learn to conjugating verbs.

And I also think that he can learn enough ABOUT ME to eventually know how I will react in most/all situations, and apply that knowledge accordingly to keep from upsetting me (since I know that it is, indeed, important to him that I am happy). But I don't know if he can (or should?) be able to generalize that knowledge to other people, or can reliably be empathetic enough to see what it is that THEY might need. Sometimes he can, but there have definitely been enough "WTF was he THINKING?!" moments that I know that it doesn't come naturally to him. Whether or not he means to hurt them doesn't mean that they hurt any less in the end.

To be honest, I am no giant in this area either. I have gotten this far—seeing the things that I am able to see, which seems to be more than he can—through lots of paying attention and hard work, and it has taken years and years. I still miss things more than I'd like (and maybe even more than I ever find out). I've mentioned this in other threads before, but Oona (who has studied psychology) has long thought that I am somewhere on the spectrum, and it was much, much worse for me as a child and as a young adult. A lot of people just took me as stupid for missing social cues and not being able to empathize well. But I was able to learn, over time, and with her endlessly patient guidance.

I think that Rider was trained enough in deep South kindness and politeness that he flies under the radar initially for not naturally having a lot of true empathy, and he is widely regarded as one of the friendliest and most popular people in our social scene. But I do think that when it comes to deep, one-on-one human interaction, he can just be totally oblivious.

However, this doesn't make me want to run from him; it makes me want to try to help him, since I've been through some of the same challenges. Whether or not he CAN be helped is up for debate, but if it does turn out that he has a deficiency that can't be strengthened, as long as it's not hurting me, I figure I can live with it.

I'm not sure this is about separating friendship from being madly in love exactly. I'm not in exactly the same boat as you because I'm monogamous with my partner so my friends don't think they will have sex with me if they travel to visit me.

But - it is reasonable to assume that if they have come to see me, that I will spend some time alone with them. I will put half a day or a day aside to just be with them. To catch up and reconnect. Art and other friends may well hang around too but I will make sure I have alone time with the friend who's come to visit.

I would never say to a friend that I'll spend time with them only if Art isn't available because if he is there, I'd obviously rather he was with us.

That is kind of the message you were thinking that Rider may give to Kelly. That he may have sex with and spend the night with her so long as you aren't available but if you are available, Kelly needs to understand that you are his priority and he'd rather be with you.

That is not about not being in love, that's just treating somebody like they don't matter - which is not a very friendly way to behave. At least not in my world.

Oh, I think I must have communicated this wrong. I tried to draw a distinction between this particular weekend and event and the general state of affairs, but maybe I wasn't specific enough. In general, if she comes down to visit him solo, he will spend about an 18-to-24-hour period alone with her, and then we all hang out the rest of the time. But in this case, five people from various cities—including her own roommate, with whom she was traveling—were coming to visit him for a weekend-long party, and pretty much no one could count on getting one-on-one "catch up" time. In a situation where she has come as the sole visitor, I absolutely believe (we both do) that she should be able to expect to get a block of solo time, and whether or not it includes sex is up to them.

I want more love in my life and I believe that the way to get it is to be caring and empathetic. Starting to think that it's okay for my partner to treat others badly so long as he doesn't do it to me does not fall within my definition of caring and empathetic. If I needed to be more callous to stay in a relationship, I'd start to question whether or not that relationship was really what I needed in my life.

But you are not me and I have really very strange views on the world. What I would decide and what most people would decide are not always in alignment.

Hopefully my above clarification helps to explain that it's not completely disrespectful bad treatment that is happening; he's not being a blatant jerk treating people like they don't matter at all. It really is the opposite. He makes people feel so special when they come into his sphere that they totally fall for him.

The thing that I find myself needing to be callous to—that he "lets" people fall for him who he doesn't fall for back—I'm not even sure what the correct ethical stance is for that. On the one hand, everyone involved is an adult and should probably be trusted to make their own decisions. On the other hand, if it were me, I'd want to know/tell very explicitly about what level of interest was happening/possible. If all it were ever capable of being was FWB, I'd choose to detach myself if I found myself "catching feels." And I really don't know whether he adequately communicates that in a way to let others make that decision. I also don't know if even adequately communicating that would ALSO be hurtful and/or unethical.
 
I think that depends on how honest he is about what he's offering. In my opinion, he seems to want the benefits of a romantic partner without the obligation of a romantic partner. I'd read what he's offering as "you're my girlfriend until you want/need me to be your boyfriend". I believe that attitude will increase the chances of you pairing with someone who agrees to these conditions for the wrong reasons, such as "I don't deserve/can't get someone better suited to my needs".

Basically this! This is what I worry about! Both of the people I've seen this questionable situation apply to have been 14–15 years younger than him, with loneliness and self-image issues. I worry not only that he might not be totally explicit with them about what he is offering, but also that even if he has been or were, they might go along anyway with a situation that will eventually hurt them, because they are desperate to assuage their loneliness and for someone to treat them nice.

But I also don't know whether I would be being patronizing (to them) or controlling (to him) to try to point this out. So I've kind of adopted a laissez faire stance, for the most part, only stepping in when something interferes with my own comfort or boundaries.
 
Basically this! This is what I worry about! Both of the people I've seen this questionable situation apply to have been 14–15 years younger than him, with loneliness and self-image issues. I worry not only that he might not be totally explicit with them about what he is offering, but also that even if he has been or were, they might go along anyway with a situation that will eventually hurt them, because they are desperate to assuage their loneliness and for someone to treat them nice.

But I also don't know whether I would be being patronizing (to them) or controlling (to him) to try to point this out. So I've kind of adopted a laissez faire stance, for the most part, only stepping in when something interferes with my own comfort or boundaries.

right there with you
 
Basically this! This is what I worry about! Both of the people I've seen this questionable situation apply to have been 14–15 years younger than him, with loneliness and self-image issues. I worry not only that he might not be totally explicit with them about what he is offering, but also that even if he has been or were, they might go along anyway with a situation that will eventually hurt them, because they are desperate to assuage their loneliness and for someone to treat them nice.

But I also don't know whether I would be being patronizing (to them) or controlling (to him) to try to point this out. So I've kind of adopted a laissez faire stance, for the most part, only stepping in when something interferes with my own comfort or boundaries.

Yeah, my stance is different than it would have been a few years ago. Unless it's a situation of abuse, or there's a significant power imbalance, I figure what happens between adults is between those adults (even if I'm in relationship with one or both of them.) Their relationship, their business. Now, if my partner has a pattern of manipulation, coercion, or generally treating people bad, then I have to question why I'm in relationship with the person. Or, if the problems in their relationship are leaking over into my relationship with one or both of them, then I have to look at my boundaries and how well I'm maintaining them.

Switching gears, thanks for answering about the moving in together. I've come to a similar conclusion. If I moved in with Blue, I really don't think it would bother me for him to have others spend the night in 'our bed' because it's his house/what I've known. But, if he moves into my home (that I own and have lived in for years), then I think it would bother me. Now, I just need to work through the whys :)
 
Thanks for the clarifications. :) It is clear that Rider doesn't deliberately behave badly toward anybody - just thoughtlessly and without empathy at times.

Empathy is very important to me. It's something I value in others and it's something that has been part of me for the whole of my life. Even my dogs tend to be empathetic - to humans and to other dogs.

That is why I would run a mile from somebody like Rider. People who lack empathy are just not folks I want to be close to.
 
Reverie, just wondering... with all these people coming to stay over with you and Rider, did he ever get the bug problem in his apartment (and bed!) taken care of? Did his/your friends know about it?

Yeah, we nuked the straw itch mites right before everyone came. Once we identified what they were, we were able to nip it in the bud in the space of like 10 days through a combination of insecticide, bleach, rubbing alcohol, special laundry enzymes, and a TON of elbow grease. I think he hasn't had a bite in over two weeks. Boy, was that whole thing a hassle. I wouldn't wish that upon anyone.

Everyone who was close enough to him to be staying with us knew about the issue long before the party. Both Sam and Kelly had already stayed with him while it was still very active, and, like me, neither of them were reactive to the bites, so they weren't worried about it. Evan calculated that his chances of being reactive to them were pretty slim, if Rider was only one in four, and that, coupled with the fact that Rider hadn't been bitten in over a week, made him feel confident enough to proceed.
 
Back
Top