lifestyle vs. identity in polyamory

redpepper

Active member
I get the feeling that some people become polyamourous as a lifestyle choice and some because they are naturally born that way and didn't know it was an option until now. What are your thoughts on that?
 
Choice ... this doesn't sound familiar, at least as far as I experienced it. I would have never choosen this out of free will, it scared me in the beginning. But I couldn't feel otherwise. I don't think that I have had a choice or even a say in this matter somehow. It just happened and I had to cope with it.

I won't judge those who heard of the term and it's meaning and felt something resonating within them, but as far as I am concerned, I would say it was just there somehow without me seeking it or even welcoming it.
 
I know some people who choose a poly lifestyle until as they can't find a monogamous partner that is suitable or they don't want to commit. Kind of like a viable dating alternative amongst their friends and outter circle. When someone comes along that is a keeper they settle down into monogamy quite happily.
 
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Maybe my definition of poly is quite narrow or something along those lines, but they can choose to love all those in order to widen their "field of possible partner material" and later just skipped those that they do not feel enough for and settle down with one of them? Was the feeling for “the rest” there at all if this is possible?

I have problems understanding this, maybe because of my personal situation. To think that there is something like an on/off switch that flips back when "the one and only" comes along is unthinkable now, as far as I am concerned, if there was love beforehand. Because this love should be equal to the one that develops when a new person comes into one's life. Love is too deep and too demanding. I can't imagine how this love can be as committed and lasting as the one, I experienced as love. I have never “chosen” to love someone.

It is hard to judge how a person feels in comparison to oneself, I don't think this is 100% possible in any case at all if I am honest, but for me this would mean: I choose to life polyamorous now and that there could be a time I meet a person more dear to me than my friend or husband now who makes me consider monogamy again and to fall out of love with those two?

To sum this up: isn't polyamory about love? Can one choose to love? And is a chosen love (as far as I understand it, a “forced” one) the same as the one that just develops on it's own?

*mumbles* this really got me confused now *scratches head*
 
Maybe there are degrees of love that would make it that you could kinda love and care about several people to a certain extent and then find that you fall head over heels for one person and they become your everything so you become monogamous with them. Hence a poly lifestyle. Kind of like swinging. Its more of a weekend warrior thing. With a poly lifestyle it could be just for now. Its more honest than dating and possibly creates more depth I would think.
 
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Its something I think came natural years ago when I always had just multiple guy friends, and feelings for those multiple guy. Something I closed off for more years when I married and adopted a monogamous mind. Then opened up again and chose now after encouragement.
Chris
 
I think poly is a choice. Just like every other relationship structure. I also happen to believe that loving more then one person at a time is something everyone on the earth is capable of. But relationship structure is a choice. I don't choose to love multiple people at the same time but I do choose to peruse and work on relationships with multiple people at the same time. That is a choice I get to make.

I think it's important and powerful to make this choice when it isn't as supported by our culture. But no I was not born this way. I'm choosing to live my life this way. Granted it might be that I wouldn't be able to be as happy if I was forced to be monogamous but monogamy is just a structure and culture builds structures.

I do believe that some people are more suited for poly but I always bristle at discussions about "hard wiring" because I believe the way we make relationship is built off of what we see around us either by excepting or rejecting or not even realizing that there are other options.

We build the way relationships look. I choose this. I don't think that should make it any less important, in fact, in a way I think it's more important then some gene that is forcing us to be some way we can't help. We GET to choose. And the more information out there, the more out people, the more examples of poly in the world the easier it gets for people to see there are options. And options are good.
 
I'm thinking there's a difference between being polyamorous and doing polyamory, with the first being a person's nature and the second being a lifestyle choice.

I love more than one person, and I don't think I have a choice in that matter. (I would have to close myself off socially to prevent falling in love, I think.) I only have sex with my husband; that's a choice I made because I married him, and he is not comfortable with it any other way.
 
Maybe there are degrees of love that would make it that you could kinda love and care about several people to a certain extent and then find that you fall head over heels for one person and they become your everything so you become monogamous with them. Hence a poly lifestyle. Kind of like swinging. Its more of a weekend warrior thing. With a poly lifestyle it could be just for now. Its more honest than dating and possibly creates more depth I would think.

I think I have come to the conclusion that everyone in my life that I have loved, I have loved them in their own individual way. Meaning that each one "owns" that love. Some more intense than others but still differently in some way...just my thoughts and conclusions because Love, to me, has so so sooo many different levels.
 
Good topic !

I like how rosephase worded it, but I`ll take the blunt version as well.

Poly/OR is a choice for me, and therefore a lifestyle.

I believe we DO choose who we love. We all have those moments before we know we are in love. Where we feel that spark and pursue it. It is a choice to decide to pursue love with a person.

I believe in levels of trust, and levels of love. Its not something I decided first and then followed, its how I operate naturally. The things I have opened myself up to in life, I let myself follow natural paths, so I know who and what, I really am. I did this with learning about poly as well.
I`ve always been frank about my capabilities, and desires in this manner with those I date. I also don`t feel comfortable when those I ever dated, told me they loved me the same as their spouse, or girlfriend, or what-have-you. So it works both ways for me. I am not trying to take with one hand, and not give the same with the other.

I can choose monogamy for long strings of time, and I can choose multiple-loves for strings of time. Though I don`t and wouldn't ever cut a secondary off because I wanted to be mono for awhile. When the natural death of a relationship happens, I might choose to be mono for a long time. When I lost a girlfriend I cared about many years ago, I stayed happily monogamous for 4 years. Primary means more to me then someone I chose to share bills and kids with. Its a level of commitment, and depth of love, too.

I don`t feel a 'hole' in my life with only one partner. Loving more then one is a priviledge, I think. For those of us lucky enough, to be able to engage it. There are many people in the world who love more then one person ( think of all the people who carry a torch for a 'old flame', yet are married and love another. ) but are unable to pursue loving more then one, for a variety of reasons.

I feel lucky and blessed when it comes my way, but I don`t turn into a puddle without extra loves in my life. I enjoy my monogamous side, as much as my multiple-loves side.
 
I'm hard wired mono and know people who just live monogamously because they don't know anything else.......so I would imagine you could be naturally poly and/or choose to be poly as well.

But this topic is not for me...if only I could choose to be poly :p
 
I think that it is possible to both chose the lifestyle with some people and identify with others now that I think of it. I have most definitely fallen in love with others and not been able to control that. Its almost an uncontrollable, deep rooted urge to be with them and express it. When I can't I am deeply saddened. This to me makes me identify as poly... much as I identify as pansexual.

With others I have loved them, but chosen how much I engage with them and what level of involvement I have... some of them I have grown to love deeply over time, but not in a driven way... I chose this and therefore it is the lifestyle I have chosen.
 
Hmm. This is interesting, especially as I've been considering my own identity recently. I'm not sure I'd consider myself poly, although at this particular point I am in a poly relationship and in love with two people. But I don't feel that my life would be lacking or unfulfilled if I were to be monogamous, or without partners at all. Then again, prior to this relationship I had pretty much decided that I was going to be single for the rest of my life and that was fine with me. I don't generally go looking for romantic involvements at all, let alone ones with multiple people involved.

So... maybe I'm not poly? Or maybe I am, because I've chosen to be a part of a poly relationship? But maybe I'm not, because it's not something I would seek out on my own? Or maybe I am, because I clearly have the capacity to love more than one? Heck if I know.
 
Very interesting topic.

I'm not really sure where I stand with it. I have had poly tendancies most of my life. But when I met Karma I knew I could be okay being only with him. I have had people come into my life that I have loved and thought "wow wouldn't it be nice if we could be one happy family". But never took it anywhere b/c I didn't know how it would be possible, how I would handle it. I have a hard time placing my attention on more than one person. I cycle with friends, I spend time with this one for awhile, then I cycle of to this one for awhile, then that one. Maybe it's partialy a coping thing with the fibro, b/c it seems to take more out of me to try and really spend time and energy on multiple people.

But on the other hand, now that we are stronger and are living this life, even though I am yet to date anyone other than Panda, I feel a bit more free, a bit more at peace. It's okay to look again, it's okay to consider another relationship. And with that freedom comes a bit a weight lifted, and a much more open and communicative marriage.

So I guess it's a born that way, but I have the abilty to shut it off. I guess. I mean I honestly very rarely looked at someone in a sexual or emotional love way. But now that I can it's like turning on a switch.

I really was happy and content with just Karma. Never felt like I was missing something or wasn't being true to who I was. It's more like I was okay with where I was, but then I opened a door and saw the greener grass.
 
My thoughts are this.:

As a species, humans are naturally non-monogamous.

Yet most of us live in cultures where monogamy is expected of us.

Some of us choose not to allow the culture to dictate our lives.

Some people are happily monogamous, for varying durations. But most people eventually feel constrained by monogamy.

All of this is more complex than I just said, because I used monogamy in its shorthand form, without complicating it with the fact that there are sexual and emotional monogamy and non-monogamy.

Some couples are emotionally monogamous (by choice) while sexually non-mongamous.
What this means is that they engage in sex outside of a relationship but don't become much emotionally bonded with their partner/s.


On a personal note, I have such an overwhelming preference for emotionally bonded sexual touching that any alternative is just not that attractive.
 
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Hey RP,

Yea - from listening to so many people discuss their entry into poly I think you are right.

For many (maybe most?) it's really like coming home. There was always this internal thing they felt but had no name for or concepts how to proceed if they did.

For some, I think it is a conscious 'choice'.

What scares me about that though is that in many of those cases it may be driven from failure. Failure of the 'mono' model to work out and an attitude of ..........
"well - mono sucks so let's try something else - nothing to lose".

To me, those people can be dangerous. At least at the beginning, it's not "close enough to the heart" to be reliable. It's an experiment and the things than can make one lovestyle fail can make them ALL fail !

Thoughts..........

GS
 
I think its important to be aware that choosing poly might be temporary and that people who are potential partners might be choosing poly rather than identifying as such. Awareness and being honest.

It could be that any relationship dynamic will be an alternative one day. Not exclusive to monogamy or non-monogamy but just letting relationships become what whatever they are meant to be. Letting our relationship lives just be in general.
 
I would hazard a guess that some people believe monogamy or even long term monogamoy to be a priveldge in the dating/relationship world.
 
I think poly is a choice. Just like every other relationship structure. I also happen to believe that loving more then one person at a time is something everyone on the earth is capable of. But relationship structure is a choice.

This is pretty much how I see it. I am a human being who chooses to live polyamorously. I see relationships as poly or mono, not people. My happiness, sense of fulfillment, self-esteem comes from my own internal work on myself, self-knowledge, etc., but is not dependent upon the structure of my relationship(s).

Polyamory is a possibility, and a container for which to develop relationships. If I say "I'm polyamorous," I don't mean that being polyamorous is my nature. When I say that, I mean that is how I choose to live. If I were to say, "I'm single," no one would ask me, "oh, are you hard-wired that way?"
 
Good topic !

Poly/OR is a choice for me, and therefore a lifestyle.

I believe we DO choose who we love. We all have those moments before we know we are in love. Where we feel that spark and pursue it. It is a choice to decide to pursue love with a person.

I feel lucky and blessed when it comes my way, but I don`t turn into a puddle without extra loves in my life. I enjoy my monogamous side, as much as my multiple-loves side.

This is true for me as well.

I am mostly happily monogamous right now. Every once in a while I look at OK Cupid or I think... hey,... he/she is really nice and I'd like to get to know them better, but for the most part, I'm fairly busy.

I have learned that the CHOICES I make must be made with care and consideration. Jumping into the first relationship, allowing myself to fall in love with the first person who shows interest in me... that can be disasterous.

But poly is definately a choice - I love more than one, but I choose the number of relationships I engage in.
 
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