Processing Emotional Anger

Hi Sageflutterby,

I for one hope that you'll keep on posting ... I'll try to give you advice as much as I can. You can also talk with me via PM. Just consider that your public posts give you the chance to hear multiple points of view, for instance GalaGirl often gives more/better advice than I do. But I am willing to help in any way that I can.

I'm sorry that some of the posts here have been hurtful to you. I could certainly understand if you stopped posting (but I still hope you won't).

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I wouldn't date a partner whose other partner resented me. Period.

Are you hoping to win your meta over? How? The only way she's gonna like you is if you leave her man.

Are you hoping Awpti will leave HER for YOU, as she wishes Awpti would leave YOU for HER?

Are you happy being a Band-aid for their ailing relationship? Why?

Are you willing to be collared to a lazy ass Dom who can't even prevent his wife from assaulting him with hickies he doesn't like? Why would you want a weak Dom?

And you're looking for a "magic way" for this to all turn out to be some kind of fairy tale where you have equality fully across the board...

This is real life, magic doesn't exist.

I haven't paid attention to your other threads, but I see members who are familiar with your situation throwing up their hands in frustration. I guess this isn't a board of MAGIC.
 
I just don't believe I can get the community I want if I don't buckle down and work rather than abandon my relationships. I have no right to complain when I don't have the community I want if I don't put in the work and that's the mindset I have always adopted. I have always believed that when relationships are tough that partners are there to support each other, that's what makes family family.

Sage,

You are in a difficult N.

you + (Awpti + Wife) + Cerpent​

where you and Cerpent are the end points and the ones in the blue middle are married to each other. And Wife seems ill but not wanting to get a dx.

If this was a new dating thing, yeah. You could say "Nope. I don't want to be in a poly thing that's got chronic patient stuff like this in it." But it's not. It came about when the N was already underway. You have since grown attachments to Awpti. I get that you are not eager to let those go just like that.

But there IS a middle place. You don't have to break up. But you don't have to keep relating like THIS either. If you do not want to break up at this time? That's ok.

  • You could still decide what your deal breakers are so they are articulated.

  • Since it is not at deal breaker level yet, you could think about adjustments in other ways so this situation is less taxing on you.

You seem to want to air out your upset and figure out ways to minimize it for next time. So what do YOU need to go for the long wait? So you can weather it out as healthy as possible? Until such time as...

  • She gets dx and treatment plan, and that reduces the big stress because all can remain in the N without all the upheavals.
  • Awpti decides to leave her and that reduces the big stress because then her upheavals no longer affects this side of the N.
  • A deal breaker happens, and you decide to leave the N and that reduces the big stress because her upheavals no longer affect you.

... how do you want to better cope with the stresses and "ripple effect" of her upheavals? From the sound of it, they happen fairly regularly.

SHORT VERSION

I think you need better boundaries and maintain realistic expectations while still looking out for your self care. You also could talk to Awpti and Cerpent more. Not like complaining, but airing out. You could also get outside support like a counselor. Take more time to do self care and support your own self more.

LONG VERSION

Think about changing things like...

Make the emergency plans.

In other posts you mentioned that Awpti will not leave his wife until he knows she is in good care/has medical treatment.

She's threatened suicide and is frequently up and downy. I think it's a good bet she's has some sort of condition that needs a dx. But she refuses to get a dx for herself. Possibly because she might know on some level that if she does, Awpti will feel better that she's in good hands and would move on to leave her feeling less guilty about moving on/outgrowing this dynamic.

At the same time, when she's suicidal, her spouse (Awpti) does not seem willing to do the necessary paperwork for involuntary committment at this time so she actually does get some help. Perhaps he feels "disloyal" doing that. But however he feels, a suicide management plan could still be written. There are PDFs online. If the patient doesn't want to fill in her parts... fine. What stops the rest of the N from filling out theirs?

If nothing else, you could write out YOUR plan for what YOU plan to do if she hurts herself like that even if none of the other N people are ready to address that.

My Dad doesn't want to talk about dying. Guess what? Mom and I already have Plan B. If/when he's ready to talk about it great. We will listen and help him make his Plan A. But if he keeps avoiding? He's dead, he doesn't make arrangements. Why should we be left up the creek without a plan because he doesn't want to get it together? Hence Plan B.

Cerpent as her BF? You as her Meta? You two may not be legal "close of kin" enough to do that sort of paperwork / cosign that involuntary comittment paperwork. So you cannot get it moving yourself. So you have to wait for Awpti to become willing to consider that option. Which could be a long wait.

What's your plan for reducing your stress while waiting? It could include some or all of these bits:

Stop hearing so much details about Wife's up and downy.

  • Tell her NO if she talks garbage talk in front of you. Then leave the room
  • Tell Awpti NO if he repeats her garbage talk. Then leave the room.

I tell my mom not to bother telling me Alzheimer dad garbage talk any more unless it is something changing in his care or his finances. I don't need details. Esp when the details change so little. All mom has to tell me is "Cousins suck today" and I can fill in the rest myself. I don't need a play-by-play.

Earlier in the journey she was SO hypervigilant and hyperalert she thought it really MATTERED that today he was pissed a A, and then B, and then C. To me? I don't care. That Dad teapot can sing whatever "this cousin sucks" song he wants to sing today. It's annoying, but it is not important. It doesn't REALLY matter because tomorrow it will be someone else who sucks.

News I need to pay attention to is "And now he wants to go to the bank to take out all the money so cousin A can't take it. THAT changes his care/his life stuff. He's done some financial stupid in his addled state I had to later go fix. So NO. I don't want him hopping in the car doing real life messes. Sitting around at home being Grumpy Old Man Muttering? That I can ignore safely. Him making bank messes? I cannot ignore that. I think you and Awpti could decide what is "real news" and what is "garbage talk." And just not repeat the garbage talk.

Hold patient accountable to a reasonable degree. Don't let them slide on everything.

I could be wrong. But both of you seem to be doing...

"She's doing X... I don't like it. But she's a patient so... I'll let it slide."​

You get really angry at some of the behaviors she does or Awpti does... but you let it slide. Awpti puts up with hickies he doesn't want... but he lets it slide.

There needs to be more "No" said.

Mom told me the other day Dad didn't want to clean his cat's litterbox and he wanted her to do it because he's a patient. She told him no, it's his cat, those are his chores. I laughed because back in the early days she would really go clean it for him. She admitted she used to do too much. And my dad is lazy. He is not above playing the patient card like "Poor lil ol me" to get attention or get his way. I'm not going to ask an Alzheimer patient to do things beyond his ability. But he can do his basic chores -- the cat box, fold the laundry. Make his reasonable contributions to the household. One adapts the size and complexity of the chores because he's a patient. He's not so far gone he's excused from all chores.

Just cuz he's a patient doesn't mean he gets to walk all over people. He'll try. And both mom and I will tell him NO. And then he sulks and goes on to his other fav record to play -- that "all the women are against him."

Detach a little bit. Get extra support.

I know you don't want to break up. So don't.

Instead? Come to peace that this is a PATIENT POLY situation. It's not as glam or sexy sounding as other configurations but it too is part of living.

Be basic polite to her, but leave the caregiver stuff to him. You don't have to be doing any of it. If he's overloading you with his venting about caregiver stuff? More than you can deal with? Point him to a therapist/caregiver support group and say "No. I cannot hear this stuff at this time." It is not hurting him to tell him when YOU are full up. He gets full and overloaded. So do you!

If YOU need extra support? You can get a therapist to vent some of this stuff to them. Honestly, they may be better than a forum of internet strangers. They may be better versed in the problems of caregiver burnout, caregiver depression, and so on. Even though you are not her direct caregiver, YOU may start to succumb to these things from the exposure.

Yeah, this is a Poly N. But I do not see the "poly-ness" as the biggest issue. I think the biggest issue is "undx'd patient / how to get them to dx/ how to best care for them / care for myself in the meanwhile." I see that as a patient problem, so seeking advice from patient boards and therapists might work out better. There are other families with difficult patients who've had to travel this road before.

Do your own self care FIRST.

You try really hard to be "understanding and considerate" of her, but then you get out of balance. You neglect to be understanding and considerate of YOU. It's not like she's got dibs on all the compassion. You have to exercise self compassion too.

If you are burning out relating like this? You are doing too much with too much focus on her? Yes, she is a patient person. Yes, people need to be aware. Yes, if there's a big problem people need to get her to care. But at the regular life level? All that "tempest in a teapot" stuff?

Learn to let it go. Ignore all the mutterings and whatever. Ask Awpti not to be telling you so much detail. For your OWN mental health to stay on even keel.

Be ok with it being a very separate V for a while. I know you had your heart set on kitchen table poly, but right now? That's not possible.

I know I put it last, but do this FIRST. If that is all that you have energy for right now? Do you own self care FIRST then.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Back
Top