Redpepper's journey

You're a smart, self-assured woman who knows what she needs and wants and how to communicate that.

I think we, your blog readers, see more of the negative aspects of your relationship with Leo. Because hey, a blog is a good place to vent!

Given these things, I can't presume to offer advice on what is best for you.

You are in my thoughts though, and I hope for a positive resolution to this, whatever that means for you and yours.

*HUG*
 
Thanks, all. While I see little reason to continue on with him, I still am. :rolleyes::eek: I know. *eye roll* I like to make myself go crazy sometimes. The thing is, I love him and enjoy his company. I think that there is a nugget of something worth it, somehow. Still.

I actually wrote a TON of replies to him and had a really good vent. Then didn't send them. I talked about it a lot and went over it a lot. PN helped me a lot with this (as did Mono). PN really laid it on the line for me in a way that made me realize what was going on for me. He read his email, went over every bit of info I got and came up with a really plausible version of what is going on for Leo that made complete sense and made me feel the fool actually.

I had a good cry over it in his arms and it was very releasing. I got to talk to Ari and Pengrah about it too this weekend and they graciously listened to me. Every time I talk about it, more is worked out.

Having slept a bit more, having the show over, and the business subside, I can now take the time I should have to really figure it all out. Again.

I think that, largely, my lack of trust comes from me. There are several things at play-- my past experience, my desire to be closer that won't be realized, and my lack of understanding him, due to little communication. I THINK that, for him, he has enough from me, he has enough in life, he doesn't want to push himself or try new things and gets pissed off when I suggest it. He likes his bubble and lives nicely in it.

I don't value living in a bubble and instead value pushing my comfortableness to see what comes from it. I feel uncomfortable now and have decided to use this experience to see how much I can pull back from the connection I have with him and be okay. I invest A FUCKING LOT in people and when they don't, I find myself hurt and wanting to run away. I'm not going to run away, but try and back out this time, just to see what that feels like.

It's practice. I am using him for practice. That sounds so bad, doesn't it? I await his thoughts on all of this, and will relay them later.

The show was fantastic this Friday. Burlesque Bonanza went kaboom! It was a really long show that was a real mix of talents. I was really pleased with it. I am beginning to make some friends that want to do numbers with me now, as the number I did with four other women went really well. The prospect of doing something with others as a troupe is really exciting. I have a bit of a fear of women that I hope to get over through this. I'm trying hard not to invest everything in them, as I usually do, trying to keep an arm's length and not get in too deep. Man, that's hard when I'm so excited to be around them.

I met another Dom woman from a neighbouring town last week on FL. It turns out she was in the show too! Talk about good timing. I so needed to find a mirror to look into in another Dom woman and there she was. She and I talked a bit and conversed online too. I am trying not to be too excited and bombard her with questions and attempts to relate. I'm playing it cool and seeing how she responds. My immediate delight was that she is not a hard-ass bitch type or an unapproachable control freak, but a woman like me, confident, funny, has a presence that others light up around and is smiling and unassuming. Heh, :D didn't know I thought of myself that way! I guess what I'm saying is that I LIKED HER! It made me like myself more and feel like I had a place within my own skin. *Phew* I so needed that. :D

I am lovin' up my Derby girl today, as she is struggling to keep her head above water with her hubby on crutches. I was hoping we could find some time together this week, but schedules aren't matching up. Next week hopefully things will settle more. I am hoping to sneak in an "at work" coffee date, if nothing else.

Mono and PN are great. PN is a writing crazy man again. He has an article coming that is making him high on life right now. I love when he is feeling like that. Its like he has NRE! Compersion abounds!

Mono has been helping our friends out with bike stuff lately, and he seems to need some down time. I am hoping he found some last night. He needs tons of down time. I am trying to convince him to come with me to see the second to last game of the Stanley Cup tonight, as none of us know any hockey fans, believe it or not. He has half agreed to come and have a beer at a local pub for the last period. I dunno. I might just go it alone.
 
Glad you're figuring things out.

Wish I had know you were a hockey fan earlier, I would have sent my son out to you, lol. That child (nearly 16! so a child no longer, really :() lives and breathes hockey!
 
Thanks all. While I see little reason to continue on with him, I still am. :rolleyes::eek: I know, *eye roll* I like to make myself go crazy sometimes. The thing is that I love him, enjoy his company and think that there is a nugget of something worth it some how. still.

Hmm, I wonder if you're just stubborn and if we all told you to stick it through and work it out, you'd be saying, "No thanks, I'm done!" ;)


... just pokin' fun at ya a little.
 
Hmm, I wonder if you're just stubborn and if we all told you to stick it through and work it out, you'd be saying, "No thanks, I'm done!" ;)


... just pokin' fun at ya a little.
Heh. Yes, good point. Although I likely would do what I bloody well like anyway. ;) Gawd, I drive myself crazy.
 
I had a good cry over it in his arms and it was very releasing. I got to talk to Ari and Pengrah about it too this weekend and they graciously listened to me... every time I talk about it, more is worked out.

Anytime, RP. We really just enjoyed the company. The graciousness was returned for us, as well. We did our talk about this topic. Best of luck with this stage. I hope you find the strength you need to do what's best for YOU.

Cheers,
Ari
 
Not to beat a dead horse, but Leo hasn't been portrayed well. Without looking back, I recall you saying he was an alcoholic swinger with social anxiety issues who doesn't communicate very well, etc. That's from memory, so if I'm wrong, I apologize. From the outside, it kind of looks like animal rescue, or a project. Leo's this little mutt with all these problems that need fixing.

You being poly and Leo being poly, would you recommend your sister, (if you had one) or good friend, to date him? Would any of the others in the tribe recommend he date one of their friends or loved ones?

By the way, does that ever happen at poly meeting? Person X is dating this really great person Y. Does person X ever introduce his/her good friend Z to person Y?

Sorry about the random thoughts and questions.

D
 
Not to beat a dead horse, but Leo hasn't been portrayed well.

Leo is a good and kind-hearted person. You'd have to get to know him to understand that. He'll do just about anything for you and is amazingly talented in the things he is passionate about. He is also somewhat complicated, as is the dynamic between him and his wife. I don't understand it but he is a very devoted husband, maybe even to a fault.

You being poly and Leo being poly, would you recommend your sister, (if you had one) or good friend, to date him? Would any of the others in the tribe recommend he date one of their friends or loved ones?

I would recommend him to a poly friend to date if they were looking for a certain type of relationship and had certain interests. He isn't likely to make a good primary to anyone, as he has so little time outside of his family, it seems, but almost in an LDR-type situation he's a pretty good fit.
 
Not to beat a dead horse but Leo hasn't been portrayed well. With out looking back I recall you saying he was an alcoholic swinger with social anxiety issues who doesn't communicate very well.etc....that's from memory so if I'm wrong I apologize. From the outside it kind of looks like animal rescue....or a project. Leo's this little mutt with all these problems that need fixing.....

You being poly and leo's being poly would you recommend your sister, (if you had one) or good friend, to date him? Would any of the others in the tribe recommend he date one of their friends or loved ones?


By the way does that ever happen at poly meeting? Person X is dating this really great person Y . Does person X ever introduce his/her good friend Z to person Y?
sorry about the random thoughts and questions D
no problem, I realize he sounds overly fucked up and a failure. Not at all. He is a very simple man, with simple needs. Which makes him confusing to me as I am not. :p

He is dedicated to those he loves and does not like change. He lives in fear it seems of change and to deal with it he is anxious and drinks too much. He told me last night that now he is afraid of losing me because that will be a change. Imagine what he went through just to get to know me! Kinda puts it into perspective.

I agree with mono too including a ldr type situation. I suck at that, which is part of the problem.
 
Hey, I figured some more shit out....

Leo asked me why I still get that look on my face when he talks about his swinging... He thinks I am still judging him and against it. I had a good long think about it, because I really don't care at this point and realized that my feelings are around his bragging about it, or anyone bragging about it. I can't stand bragging at all, just as I can't stand whining.

"I am so fucking awesome" and "I'm not being taken care of *whine*" drive me fucking in sane.

Ahhhhhh,,,,, sweet victory! I feel so freed. :p

Now I can laugh it off and avoid in the future. Or at least find some way to talk about it in terms of getting to the bottom of why they feel the need to converse in that way.

Why do people brag about stuff anyway? Because they are insecure? Why do they whine....? Because they want validation for feeling the way they do?
 
Maybe thats another lil check box for anyone in the future. A good dose of humility and humbleness? :)
Yes, I will be looking for that I think... I told Leo my findings. hmmmm... I wonder how he will take it. At least I am being honest and I didn't refer to him specifically, although he has asked why I seem to be so opinionated about it still.

We have been getting along better and seem to be getting to the bottom of some stuff. It seems that writing isn't always a good way for us to communicate as we tend to come across as cranky with each other some times.... hmmm, who would of guessed ;) I agreed to add smiley's to anything that could use one. I forget sometimes.
 
Last edited:
I used to believe in writing being the best way to communicate. I believe I was wrong. It loses intonations and emotional context. No matter how well you write something is always lost. It's been a hard thinng for me to realize.

Congrats on you guys sorting through things.. I hope you guys find a place you can feel settled..

Ari
 
I find that writing is good when I'm too emotional as I'm unable to speak at all in these times, and just the prospect of doing so scares me and makes it worse. Even when being face to face I've had "let's go talk on IMs" moments until we reached a point when I felt able to handle face to face communication again.

But I think it's probably something that really depends on the people involved. If writing doesn't work for you guys, make sure to keep that in mind :)
 
I find that writing is good when I'm too emotional as I'm unable to speak at all in these times, and just the prospect of doing so scares me and makes it worse. Even when being face to face I've had "let's go talk on IMs" moments until we reached a point when I felt able to handle face to face communication again.

But I think it's probably something that really depends on the people involved. If writing doesn't work for you guys, make sure to keep that in mind :)

This.

Also when it's easier at the moment b/c I am too emotional to vocalize things I will write. But I will then say, can we discuss this when I have calmed down a bit and make sure it was taken the way it was meant.
 
Ahhhh, things have settled. I got to see Derby today on the fly for a quick coffee. Not long enough, but I always do better when I see those I love.

PN, Mono, LB and I went to a friends to watch the hockey game tonight... a dismal display of effort, but it was fun and the men rocked it in terms of showing off how awesome they are. They made nachos and cleaned up the dishes. They are such a great team :D Not in terms of hockey, they have no interest, but they won the cup in my books... my friends were so impressed!

I was felt very honoured to be with such amazing men... so giving and selfless. It all comes around. Abundance is everywhere at this moment. Love abounds in my heart :)
 
This weekend promises some catch up on connection with those closest to me. I look forward to that. I had a lovely night with my favorite boy LB last night. I love being with him chatting and being silly. These are good years right now. I wonder what the teen years will bring?

Tomorrow I spend all day with Mono at an all day concert. We will loll around in the sun listening to music and taking in the crowd. Ahhhhh summer. Love it!

I have a date tonight with PN to do whatever comes to mind... Likely a good chat and computer time.

Derby and I are going to see bridesmaids on monday night after her derby practice and a quick shower at my place.

Fathers day on sunday and I have a Caribbean restaurant booked for the plethora of dad's in our lives. Two will be vacant however. I look forward to eating out. Its gotten so damned expensive!

Next week I have a date with Leo to watch a movie at his house. We will sit at opposite ends of the couch this time ;) Mono thinks we should drink tea rather than beer. Might be a good idea.

I'm embarrassed of our Canadian hockey sports fans this week. What a show of idiocy in vancouver over losing the stanley cup. I know it was a fail, but now its the ultimate fail. If only we would riot about something useful. Come on! We canadians look like idiots. I just hope that people realize the whole country was watching that game and most of us went home disappointed, but not riotous!
 
Oh I feel so much better after some time with my loves, catching up on sleep and little bits and pieces that add up... it helped that my boss has been away also.

Derby and I went out and saw "bridesmaids" this week... very good movie. :) We held hands, held on to each other, laughed and just caught up! So nice! I was so glad to see her. Next date, or the next big date anyway, is to go to a play. Should be fun :)

I've been planning a bunch of events that will be fun for the summer, bbq's, camping etc. So glad to be warm and sunny inside :)

LB fell and cut his neck this week... he got three stiches. This time I was there to take him to the clinic :D this made me very happy. That time I wasn't there when he feel and was bleeding and PN was wondering if he should go in and get stitches I was at Mono's place. I was so angry with myself, felt like a bad and selfish mother, guilt filled my heart... I love that I don't have to worry about that again now that we are all together.

Date with Leo tomorrow night. The first since our fight. I have resigned in my heart that he is just a friend. I have to forcing that round peg into a square hole I think for all our sake. Wish me luck.

Last days of school, PN is busy writing his ass off and requires lots of down time, Mono is off riding a lot with his buddy that just got a bike and I am thinking of new shows for the fall.... some gender fuck stuff I think. I might do a number with an umbrella and a bathing suit at the end of July. We shall see. I have made some new friends lately and I am pacing my attachment to them. As much I would love to dive in, I am not strong enough and don't trust yet that I should. Maybe I can ride out where I am at with it all for awhile. I'm kind of hoping to.
 
I'd say slow down and enjoy what you have, but my hypocrisy would only embarrass us both. :p

Glad to see you're getting some time with those you love.
 
Back
Top