Helping primary feel "primary"

JT2

New member
My partner (of 10 years) has a wife (17 years). It has always been a primary/secondary thing. I'm 100% fine with being the secondary. I like it. It works for me. And it is super important to her to be "primary" - that is non-negotiable.

The problem is that even though she is the "primary" partner, she says she doesn't feel like she's being treated as "primary" and we've had a hard time finding workable solutions to the problem.

While I am very clearly treated as a secondary in all household stuff, and (though less clearly) also in relationship stuff, I am his business partner/assistant. His work involves a lot of travel and long hours, but it is his calling, and he helps a lot of people in his work. In many ways, his work is his real "primary", and I think his wife projects alot of her resentment about that onto me. He does spend a lot more hours with me, and very frequently travels with me, but that is work. (She's tried to help with his work. She quickly gets bored and wants him to pay attention to her, and she's been rude in front of clients.)

When asked what she'd like her husband to do differently, she tends to fixate on impossible or wildly impractical things, so my partner and I have been trying to think of things that he actually CAN do that might help her "feel primary" without putting his career in danger.

Any suggestions?


-- JT
 
What special things do they have that is reserved strictly for them?

When he comes home, how does he greet the people in the house?

Does he do things where he is specifically giving up an opportunity to do things with you in order to do something with her that she wasn't expecting?

Are her needs being met? Are they being exceeded?

Also, it might help is she has things outside the house and relationship that occupy her time and give her a sense of accomplishment. You're pretty light on details about living arrangements and how she spends her time, but if he is her conduit for interaction with the wider world, there's a big adjustment that would help.
 
So, basically, you're saying that your partner has problems with her other relationship and wants you to fix it?

If my math is correct, his (Him1) partner is having trouble with his (Him2) relationship, and him1 wants to help him2 research things that could improve the situation.
 
I just wanted to chime in and say congrats on keeping things together for 10 years as a "secondary"! That is a mile stone most poly relationships don't hit.
 
I just wanted to chime in and say congrats on keeping things together for 10 years as a "secondary"! That is a mile stone most poly relationships don't hit.



I hate to rain on your parade, Mono, but It's not clear how much time the op has been in a secondary relationship with the woman. The "partner" he refers to in the first sentence is the business-partner, the husband of the woman the op is involved with.

I do not see anywhere in the original post where it says how long the secondary relationship has been going on.
 
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I hate to rain on your parade, Mono, but It's not clear how much time the op has been in a secondary relationship with the woman. The "partner" he refers to in the first sentence is the business-partner, the husband of the woman the op is involved with.

I do not see anywhere in the original post where it says how long the secondary relationship has been going on.

I thought OP was in a relationship with the husband, for ten years. Now I am thoroughly confused by who is dating whom for how long and what gender they are!
 
Oh dear, i think you're right TP. When i read threads on the ipod i sort of lose track of the different stories and sometimes i think i remember something when it was in a total different thread.

So, i take back what i said about the wife being a shrew, unless it turns out that she is one after all.
 
Okay, let's get this straight. Here's how I understand the situation:

JT2 is male, his partner is male. They are involved both romantically and in business together, and have been in this relationship for ten years. JT2's partner is married to a woman who is primary to him; JT2 is his partner's secondary, though they spend lots of time together. JT2 is not involved with his partner's wife, other than being metamours. It sounds like they all live together, though I'm not sure. So, this is a MMF Vee.

The wife has issues about not getting enough attention and this (neediness?) has encroached upon her husband's business. JT2's partner has asked JT2 to help find ways to make his wife feel more like the primary.

Again, as I posted earlier, JT2's partner and his wife are having problems in their relationship and JT2's partner wants help from JT2 on how to fix it.

So, I am wondering if that's really fair to ask one leg of a vee to help placate the other -- or does the longevity of this vee make a difference here? JT2 hasn't indicated what kind of relationship or rapport he has with his metamour.
 
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So, I am wondering if that's really fair to ask one leg of a vee to help placate the other -- or does the longevity of this vee make a difference here? JT2 hasn't indicated what kind of relationship or rapport he has with his metamour.

I wouldn't call it fair or un-fair any more than someone coming home and looking for advice from their spouse about a situation regarding a co-worker. "Help, I'm stuck!"

I'd recommend the book the "5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. I was married 19 years before reading it and it made a world of difference. I would alway complain that my husband was never home. He took it as just complaining not realizing that I need "acts of service" and "quality time" to feel loved by him, which can't happen if he is not home (or home sitting in front of the computer). We both learned a great deal and have been able to make adjustments and also recognize when the other person is making an effort.

I'm sure others have more advice.
 
Thank you for the responses! To clarify some things -

We all live together - I moved in to their house almost ten years ago, after dating my partner ("Husband") for about a year. Wife and I are not romantically or sexually involved. Mostly because I'm 90% gay, but also I think the two of us just don't "click" on a number of levels.

I know it isn't my responsibility to fix their relationship, and Husband certainly hasn't told me to fix it, but he seems stuck and out of ideas, and I want to help. This is a research/brainstorming thing, not some kind of blame-the-secondary thing. Even if I was just his good friend and co-worker I would want to help, because I can see he's been struggling with this for over a year, and hasn't made any real progress. In any case, I don't think you can last ten years as a happy secondary without figuring out that if the primaries are unhappy, that is bad news for everyone, and being helpful in attempting to find a resolution is in your best interest.


Sagency - Those are some really great ideas. I'll talk to Husband about them. It hadn't occurred to me that Wife might like to know about all the times when Husband deprioritizes Boyfriend (me) in order to do things for her. I think that on some level he's always assumed she'd feel awkward knowing that her special whatever happened at my expense. That it would contribute to a "scarcity mentality" and promote the idea that she and I were in competition for his time and attention. But... if it is a "competition" that she almost always wins... maybe she'd like that?


I was especially struck by your last point about encouraging Wife to have more things outside the house and the relationship. Now that I think of it, the problem became most obvious soon after she retired from her job, and she's just not the "stay at home housewife" type. I wonder if it isn't so much that she resents when Husband's job takes him away from her, but that she is jealous because she wishes she had a fullfilling "important" career like his that got her attention and praise from other people. Which might explain why attention and praise from him seems like it is "never enough".


SNeacail - I'll check out 5 Love Languages - Thank you! As a third-party observer, it does seem like they've got very different ways of showing their love for each other. That could be another piece of why his praise/attention is "never enough". It seems like even his best attempts to show her how special she is keep missing the mark, and he isn't able to figure out why. It makes sense that he might be aiming at the wrong place.

-- JT
 
Another clarification

I just noticed the mods moved this thread to the "New to Polyamory" forum. I am not sure why - I suppose it wasn't clear what I meant by...

My partner (of 10 years) has a wife (17 years).

Regardless, none of us are new to polyamory. This isn't the first poly relationship for any of us. Husband & Wife have been poly for the entirety of their 17 year marriage. Both were experienced at poly prior to getting together, and have both had quite a few secondary lovers prior to me, including some serious live-in relationships. I had a five year poly relationship prior to this, including living in a triad, and I've been living with Husband & Wife for close to 10 years.

-- JT
 
It seems that something happens around years 17-20 in marriages (not all, but quite a few). I don't know if it's the amount of time people have been together, lets face it most of us couldn't wait to move out of our parents house after 18-20 years, or that the female hormones are starting to revert back to when we were 12 or just life stresses (house, kids, finances, etc) or just mid life crisis. We seem to have to consciously make an effort to "court" our spouse again and that becomes increasingly difficult when faced with everyday stresses and old resentments that haven't been resolved. My husband and I had to learn how to communicate all over again. We were in the habit of making assumptions based on what we "thought" was being said or done and we discovered that these assumptions were biting us both in the ass.
 
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Sagency - Those are some really great ideas. I'll talk to Husband about them. It hadn't occurred to me that Wife might like to know about all the times when Husband deprioritizes Boyfriend (me) in order to do things for her. I think that on some level he's always assumed she'd feel awkward knowing that her special whatever happened at my expense. That it would contribute to a "scarcity mentality" and promote the idea that she and I were in competition for his time and attention. But... if it is a "competition" that she almost always wins... maybe she'd like that?


I was especially struck by your last point about encouraging Wife to have more things outside the house and the relationship. Now that I think of it, the problem became most obvious soon after she retired from her job, and she's just not the "stay at home housewife" type. I wonder if it isn't so much that she resents when Husband's job takes him away from her, but that she is jealous because she wishes she had a fullfilling "important" career like his that got her attention and praise from other people. Which might explain why attention and praise from him seems like it is "never enough".

My mono and I are pretty good about scheduling and routines. As such, she notices when something is out of place. Occasionally if I have something that is optional that really doesn't have my interest, I'll seek her out and offer to do something with her. Usually she'll ask why I'm not elsewhere. Technically, "meh" might be as true an answer as "sometimes I like to remind you you're a priority." But I'll guarantee one of those answers is better for the relationship than the other.

If something in the schedule gets cancelled so there's a pocket of free time I will consider what to do. Even though it seems redundant, if I decide to do something with K, I try to make a point of mentioning that she was the option I chose. It's not about trying to flatter her to score points. It's about words and actions together that reinforce the idea that she's important.

You might have a point about a scarcity mentality, but K's personality and my unwillingness to entertain a scarcity mentality mean we've not had that issue.

As far as other things, if she's basically retiring after a career, it seems like she might be a bit stircrazy. Volunteerism and hobbies could help with that. With what little details we have here, I'd suggest some sort of volunteer effort that involves interacting with others on a regular basis. (A hobby or solo volunteerism might not meet the interactive needs it sounds like she has.)

Best of luck.
 
The Five Love Languages principles are brilliant and definitely have helped some (mono) relationships I know. It could be something as simple as communicating in different love languages, which is relatively easy to fix.

But yeah, if she's going stircrazy because of a lack of work/life ambition I would get her out of the house and pursuing something she enjoys. Just because she's retired doesn't mean that she has to let go of ambition.
 
This whole primary/secondary might be easier to secure when everyone involved is relatively young and "unattached".

To me, having kids with person/people A instead of B pretty much shows you consider them your primary/primaries. Although I plan living with/close to Moonlight & co at some point, kiddies are definitely out of the discussion. Part of it is of course the fact that they have kids already, and I wouldn't want to create "competition" in a way. And the greater part is that because I consider Vanilla my primary, kiddies will enter into discussions with her.

But the love languages might help. If hers is quality time, indeed pointing out when he's made plans to hang out with her instead of you might work. Or if it's physical touch, then ensuring that whenever he passes her by, there is a embrace, a caress or a quick kiss involved. Words of affirmation maybe don't work for her so much, because I understand that he has told her already multiple times how he considers her his primary?
 
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