Let me repeat back what I understand so I know I got it right. You correct me if I get it wrong ok? I am trying to understand the order things happend in. I quote just to visually block it off. Blue is mine.
- I've done my share of things to be a crappy husband. (I've already made note of my short comings and things that I need to change in this or future relationships.)
- When I went to Pittsburgh to visit my family, I didn't call back home and she didn't call me. That put a huge space between us. (Did you skip calling her at home to get a break from fighting? Why didn't she come on the visit? Why didn't she call?)
- I came home. We were in the same house but not really talking. I finally broke the silence between us and asked her if she's happy. I told her I'm not happy like this. I said I think it's time for us to split.
- Then we started fighting (more?) than before.
- I went on assignment to Germany. She asked me over text what made me decide I was unhappy? I said the fights were becoming more often.
- She said she picks fights (???) because she's having a hard time with (her anger at ____) .
- She says she made me her everything for 3 years. (Her choice. She could have chosen balanced living instead.)
- She says she doesn't want me to walk away from the marriage without questioning if I am actually doing the right thing. (To me it sounds like you were doing the right thing for you. You don't get along, tired of fighting/silent treatment/growing apart and all that. Parting ways peacefully solves that. Why get sucked back in?)
- We talked a little back and fourth and decided to work things out. (Why choose to work things out with poly rather than work things out with an amicable divorce? She can do poly after divorce. Why do you have to be there in her poly network? For what?)
- Now I'm stuck over here alone in training and it feels complicated.
- She gets to date other people. I don't want her to stop, she seems really happy.
- I cannot date over here. I feel lonely.
- I think I'm being put on the back burner/ going to get replaced. So I feel scared.
Is that it? If so...
I could be wrong but to me it does not sound like YOU are poly. If wife discovered she is... you can wish her well and be happy for her. And she can go poly without you.
(Feeling alone on assignment) vs (feeling alone on assignment + wanting to divorce + scared wife will replace you)?
If you cannot have happy, you could reduce your "sads." In your shoes I would have gone for divorce as a peaceful solution since you and wife fight and are not compatible sounding. Then there is
less on your plate -- just the lonely of being on assignment that is a fact of military life.
If she's moving on to what makes her happier, I don't know why you would pick to move on to what makes you feel
worse.
Sometimes people come on here with "save the marriage!" kind of posts. They want to go poly as a way to avoid breaking up. I think it is better to and "save the people!" and let the relationship shape change. If you cannot be happy together, then be ok being happy apart.
Polyamory is NOT a bandaid or solution to problems in a marriage. Often it magnifies them.
When you got married I don't think your vows included poly stuff. So... things have changed a lot. It's ok to let things end. I am concerned you are bending yourself into pretzels because you feel sad about considering divorce and "don't want to hurt her" or something. When things coming to an end is it just things coming to an end. It's ok to mourn that a chapter of your life is ending.
But what is hurting you both is the
fighting, which sounds like it stems from being in an ill-fitting marriage. So why not just stop being in that ill-fitting marriage part entirely? The fights can end and you each can be at peace and start over fresh?
If she wants her next chapter of her life to be about poly? She is free TO go do that.
If you want your next chapter of life to be free FROM anything poly? You can do that.
Or if you want your next chapter of life to include poly? It doesn't
have to be with her in your poly network.
I'm not trying to be mean here, ok?
But if you didn't get along when it was just you two, why would you automatically get along better in poly network together?
You call it "jealous" but I wonder if it is more like "anxious"? Because you are now in a situation that you don't really want to be in?
Before you were on the brink of divorce, which is not fun, but you did seem to want a split. Now you are here. Not split up, not happy marriage, and mostly MORE stress. I don't think this is picking the right thing for you.
Galagirl