Jealousy

Wayner1483

New member
Ive just recently started being poly. My wife and I were going through a rough patch and were on the brink of divorce. I was getting ready for a 7 month rotation to Germany when it happened. While over here in Germany we decided that we dont want to get a divorce. She then told me that she was poly. I was confused at first then angry. They I stoped and thought to myself, I have no reason to be angry. We were going to get a divorce and she was just doing what's best for her. Moving on, I'm experiencing jealousy and I dont want that. I just cant get over that she's at home with relationships and I'm stuck over here training and not being able to be there with her. I'm totally happy that shes happy. But I guess I'm not happy. I feel alone. Help.
 
Congratulations. You're human!

So you have my empathy. I am sorry for how you feel, it gnaws at you I know.

There isn't a lot here about why you decided to stay married. I mean you, not the wife.

Since there isn't a lot there, I am thinking it isn't clear to you. Naturally, you have been through "married mono" to "getting divorced" to " unclear poly" in a short space of time and that should rattle anyone's center of gravity.

So here is something to really congratulate you for: for not melting down and for seeking information. You don't just "feel" alone. You ARE alone. I know the military likes the model of husband deployed + faithful wife and children at home. So when the wife goes poly that really goes against the miltary's culture. If you were doing it then the wife could go to your C.O. and have you disciplined.

I think clarifying why you are staying married would help me see things better.
 
I'm sorry you struggle.

Could you please be willing to share more info?

Say you guys had gotten divorced rather than trying poly. Would you feel just as alone over there in training?

Like... is this more a (coping with military life thing?)

Or (missing my wife while away) thing? (<--To me that is different because sometimes with military you have to be cut off from communication and not tell them where you are. Where on a "regular" business trip you can call when you get home to hotel.)

Or a (she gets to start poly dating and I still have to wait) thing?

Or is this more a (divorce would have been better thing?)

Or something else or a combo?

Galagirl
 
I would still feel alone. Ive Been in for 6 years, been away on training many times. We had our ups and downs. It all really started when I went to Pittsburgh to visit family. I didn't call back home and she didnt call me. That put a huge space between us. Then we wernt talking to Each other for the longest time(still in the same house) and I finally broke and asked her if she's happy. That's when I said That I think it's time for us to split. Fastforward to Germany. She texted me and asked me a question. She asked "what made you decide you were unhappy?" Then I said I couldnt take the fights anymore. There were starting to get more and more frequent. She then sent me a text saying"Because I'm having a hard time. You were my everything for three years. You don't just walk away from that and not question if you're actually doing the right thing. We talked a little back and fourth and decided to work things out. Ive done my share of things to be a crappy husband. Ive made note of my short comings and things that I need to change.

Part of it I think is she gets to date other guys and gals and I'm stuck here with no one. I think that's why I feel alone. I dont want her to stop, she seems really happy. I think part of it also is I'm scared I'm being put on the back burner/ going to get replaced.
 
Let me repeat back what I understand so I know I got it right. You correct me if I get it wrong ok? I am trying to understand the order things happend in. I quote just to visually block it off. Blue is mine.

  • I've done my share of things to be a crappy husband. (I've already made note of my short comings and things that I need to change in this or future relationships.)

  • When I went to Pittsburgh to visit my family, I didn't call back home and she didn't call me. That put a huge space between us. (Did you skip calling her at home to get a break from fighting? Why didn't she come on the visit? Why didn't she call?)

  • I came home. We were in the same house but not really talking. I finally broke the silence between us and asked her if she's happy. I told her I'm not happy like this. I said I think it's time for us to split.

  • Then we started fighting (more?) than before.

  • I went on assignment to Germany. She asked me over text what made me decide I was unhappy? I said the fights were becoming more often.

  • She said she picks fights (???) because she's having a hard time with (her anger at ____) .

  • She says she made me her everything for 3 years. (Her choice. She could have chosen balanced living instead.)
  • She says she doesn't want me to walk away from the marriage without questioning if I am actually doing the right thing. (To me it sounds like you were doing the right thing for you. You don't get along, tired of fighting/silent treatment/growing apart and all that. Parting ways peacefully solves that. Why get sucked back in?)

  • We talked a little back and fourth and decided to work things out. (Why choose to work things out with poly rather than work things out with an amicable divorce? She can do poly after divorce. Why do you have to be there in her poly network? For what?)

  • Now I'm stuck over here alone in training and it feels complicated.
    • She gets to date other people. I don't want her to stop, she seems really happy.
    • I cannot date over here. I feel lonely.
    • I think I'm being put on the back burner/ going to get replaced. So I feel scared.

Is that it? If so...

I could be wrong but to me it does not sound like YOU are poly. If wife discovered she is... you can wish her well and be happy for her. And she can go poly without you.

(Feeling alone on assignment) vs (feeling alone on assignment + wanting to divorce + scared wife will replace you)?

If you cannot have happy, you could reduce your "sads." In your shoes I would have gone for divorce as a peaceful solution since you and wife fight and are not compatible sounding. Then there is less on your plate -- just the lonely of being on assignment that is a fact of military life.

If she's moving on to what makes her happier, I don't know why you would pick to move on to what makes you feel worse. :(

Sometimes people come on here with "save the marriage!" kind of posts. They want to go poly as a way to avoid breaking up. I think it is better to and "save the people!" and let the relationship shape change. If you cannot be happy together, then be ok being happy apart.

Polyamory is NOT a bandaid or solution to problems in a marriage. Often it magnifies them. :( When you got married I don't think your vows included poly stuff. So... things have changed a lot. It's ok to let things end. I am concerned you are bending yourself into pretzels because you feel sad about considering divorce and "don't want to hurt her" or something. When things coming to an end is it just things coming to an end. It's ok to mourn that a chapter of your life is ending.

But what is hurting you both is the fighting, which sounds like it stems from being in an ill-fitting marriage. So why not just stop being in that ill-fitting marriage part entirely? The fights can end and you each can be at peace and start over fresh?

If she wants her next chapter of her life to be about poly? She is free TO go do that.

If you want your next chapter of life to be free FROM anything poly? You can do that.

Or if you want your next chapter of life to include poly? It doesn't have to be with her in your poly network.

I'm not trying to be mean here, ok? :(

But if you didn't get along when it was just you two, why would you automatically get along better in poly network together?

You call it "jealous" but I wonder if it is more like "anxious"? Because you are now in a situation that you don't really want to be in?
Before you were on the brink of divorce, which is not fun, but you did seem to want a split. Now you are here. Not split up, not happy marriage, and mostly MORE stress. I don't think this is picking the right thing for you. :(

Galagirl
 
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Hi Wayne,

I'm sorry that you're feeling alone right now, it is hard to be in Germany with no one while your wife gets to enjoy other partners at home. No wonder you are feeling jealous, you wish you had that too. Plus you are concerned that maybe she is going to replace you with her new partners. Double reasons to feel jealous. You are afraid of losing something.

I have some jealousy links if you're interested, let me know if you think that might help. But before we go there, let's ask ourselves if your jealousy is mostly internal (fear, insecurity, monogamous conditioning, a need not met, loneliness, etc.) or external (your wife is treating you badly). Is your wife treating you badly? Is she taking you for granted? Couldn't she have waited until you got back from Germany to start her poly lifestyle? Does she care that you are feeling lonely? or is she mostly just doing whatever she feels like doing? and she expects you to stay married to her just because she wants it? Why does she want to stay married to you? Is it mostly your paycheck that she wants? What about all the fights she was having with you? Is she willing to stop doing those? Does it matter to her that the fights were what were making you unhappy?

You love your wife. You do not want to break up with her, I get that. But at least tell her that you need her to treat you better, if she is treating you badly. I have concerns about her motives and behavior, as mentioned in the paragraph above. If you can resolve those, great. But don't continue on with a marriage that is repeatedly hurting you. Talk to your wife.

Hopefully you won't have to break up, hopefully you can resolve things.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Wayner1483-- I am so very sorry you are struggling.

I am very new to all of this myself so please forgive if I get this wrong. However, what you describe to me does not sound like polyamory. Polyamory to me is someone who has or is open to having more than one romantic relationship. Is she seeking romance...or just sex?

Are you and your wife in a romantic relationship? It sounds like you are in a marriage, but that is not the same thing. Are you BOTH still in love with one another? Did you decide against the divorce because of love...or fear of failure?

I am a married woman who met someone 2 years while in the world of swinging with my husband. I never meant to fall in love with anyone. My goal was to have fun, recreational sex with people. The only deeper form of intimacy I intended to have was to develop friendships. But alas, I met a man who I fell deeply in love with. I am still married to my husband, who I also love, and am daily trying to balance my feelings for both. My husband has come a long way to being supportive (though he backslides from time to time). It certainly was a change in our 18 year relationship but we had a strong, solid marriage before it happened. You, however, did/do not.

What you describe in your post -- "Part of it I think is she gets to date other guys and gals and I'm stuck here with no one" -- sounds like a form of swinging to me. I will call it swinging for now versus having affairs as it seems she tells you what is going on. And yes, many people I know are swingers who play and date separately from their spouse. All swinging is not "couple-centric" as many assume.

She's dating other guys and girls and having a good time. Is she making friends....or falling in love? Does it really matter which it is? Honestly, no. Because no matter why she is doing what she is doing, it is obvious that she is looking outside of your marriage for fulfillment.

As someone who is in an open marriage, I normally would not have a problem with it. But you are not an active participant in any of this and no wonder you feel isolated. At least my husband and I live together and see each other every day and can work through any problems that arise as soon as they happen. You are long distance and isolated and only know what you are being told.

Let me ask this: If you were to suddenly be sent back home, how would that all work? Would you allow her to continue to see others? Would you start dating? Do you really feel that having others in your marriage would make it better? The number one thing you need more than ever when moving from a monogamous relationship to an open one is COMMUNICATION. It does not sound like you had good communication before (based on your comment about fighting)

This really isn't where you want to be....so how are you going to change things?
 
Hey, so I haven't read all the comment and may be repeating what has already been said...

I think going poly or open relationship when your marriage is on shakey ground is a terrible idea. You need a solid foundation of trust and love to do that. I don't think it is beyond reason to ask your wife for that first. And if she isn't willing or able, then you know it wasn't going to work out anyway.
 
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