His wife ended our relationship

Status
Not open for further replies.
Throughout this entire thread, your posts have basically said, "i had misgivings about this from the very beginning and decided to go along with it against my better judgement. Now that things have turned out the way my gut feelings knew they would, i can't BELIEVE i rank lower than a farm animal. Say something to make me feel better. Don't give me a reality check, or I'll complain that you suck at giving free advice."
 
Throughout this entire thread, your posts have basically said, "i had misgivings about this from the very beginning and decided to go along with it against my better judgement. Now that things have turned out the way my gut feelings knew they would, i can't BELIEVE i rank lower than a farm animal. Say something to make me feel better. Don't give me a reality check, or I'll complain that you suck at giving free advice."

You know what, that's not at all what I've said. Why don't you go back & actually read all of the things I've written where I have repeatedly taken responsibility for my part in this. If you just read what I wrote to a recent post, I thanked for her wise & honest advice. Now I can block you & London so I can see less useless advice. Yes, you are boring & boorish.
 
Last edited:
I should change the title of this thread to say "He allowed his wife to end the relationship"...in the end. I only have myself to blame for my own unhappiness. What boringguy said is completely untrue & pointless....I am exploring my feelings & am being helped immensely by most of what is being written here. I do accept responsibility for my feelings even though J & his wife are confused & allowed their confusion to hurt me, which they have fully admitted to me.
 
This is literally ONE TIME that I am asking him to do something for me. I have never once, once, made a demand on his time & he acknowledged that. All he said is he'd "think about it" not even that he "try". It's not even the break up that's upsetting me anymore, it's the being treating as a 2nd class citizen

At this point, I'm wondering what this night of closure will give you?
Why allow yourself to be treated as a 2nd class citizen? In what direction is your self-worth going to go if you tell him to pound sand, rather than giving him that one more night?

You're angry at yourself for not putting your foot down in the beginning. There's nothing that says you can't put it down now and start the healing.
 
At this point, I'm wondering what this night of closure will give you?
Why allow yourself to be treated as a 2nd class citizen? In what direction is your self-worth going to go if you tell him to pound sand, rather than giving him that one more night?

You're angry at yourself for not putting your foot down in the beginning. There's nothing that says you can't put it down now and start the healing.

You are 100% right. Just this morning, I actually just told him that I don't know if/when I will see him again & that I don't know if I can remain friends with him b/c of the way he's treated me. Yes, I accepted it, but he still treated me this way, someone he supposedly cared for, someone he supposedly love. Not my definition of caring, love or friendship. I'm slowly starting to get it. Time will tell. I asked him for more time our last night together, if he complies, I will probably see him, if not, I'm probably going to end it completely & not even bother with being friends. No friend would treat another friend the way he has treated me. I need to start valuing myself more. Lessons learned.
 
Last edited:
It's not even the break up that's upsetting me anymore, it's the being treating as a 2nd class citizen the whole time we've been seeing each other that doesn't rate as high as a barnyard animal. And shame on me for accepting it. Yeah, maybe I'm just exhausted from taking care of a sick kid & a 2 yr old that won't sleep past 5.30 am & I have a slightly bruised heart & ego, but it still seems pretty shitty to me. I think this man is sweet but incredibly selfish.

And I just keep wondering what kind of person actively looks for a girlfriend while his wife just had a baby? I asked over & over & over again if he was sure she was ok with it & even talked to her about it. Am I an idiot? Plus his ex-wife was an apparent nyphomaniac (I'm at a loss for a better term) & this one was practically a virgin. Very very strange.

Having a sick child is a lot to contend with on top of this. I am sure exhaustion is probably playing a role in how you are processing this. I so sorry you are hurting.

The thing of it is, however their relationship works (or doesn't), they play certain roles to each other. You were fulfilling a different need in him - one that he will now still require, but be denied because of his wife's demand.

I understand being that person who fulfilled a different need. When I first joined my last couple, it became apparent that she was far more needy than she showed in public. Like a child, she demanded her husband be responsible for how she felt / coped, etc. One of the things the husband told me early on was, "it is so nice that I don't have to take care of your feelings." I thought it an odd thing to say, but the reason quickly became apparent as he was so overburdened.

So you may have been the fun lover, the person he could be with - even if just for a few hours - that gave him a time with no responsibilities. For him, you probably seemed like a wonderful gift.

The thing of it is, the person who makes demands, the wife, the person to whom he feels obligation, will always win out in the short run. Whether that remains true over the course of time remains to be seen. For my couple, her needy, demanding, and subsequent refusal to entertain growing up and acting like an adult ended in divorce a year after I was out of the picture.
 
The thing of it is, the person who makes demands, the wife, the person to whom he feels obligation, will always win out in the short run. Whether that remains true over the course of time remains to be seen. For my couple, her needy, demanding, and subsequent refusal to entertain growing up and acting like an adult ended in divorce a year after I was out of the picture.

1st of all, thanks for the sympathy, I need it right now. He cheated on her once way back once when she withheld sex over a minor surgical procedure on her cervix. I'm the only one he told & I could tell that he felt awful about it. I predict that they will have big problems in the future & no matter how much he says she loves him, he will never be satisfied with her. His sexual appetite is way too great for what she can & will offer him. Not my problem. I would never be with someone who was a sexual mismatch for me, been there, done that.

I need to think about me & not them. My life is full, my other lover is coming to visit me this weekend. I just need time to work thru my feelings & we'll where I end up. I have therapy in about an hour. Yay!

Thanks for all the wonderful, wise words. It more than makes up for the few jerks!
 
Enjoy your weekend!

One more thing, I doubt that either of them intended to hurt you. I know that doesn't help much. But confused people do some really weird shit. I had to learn to listen to my gut feelings the hard way too. ;)
 
You know what, that's not at all what I've said. Why don't you go back & actually read all of the things I've written where I have repeatedly taken responsibility for my part in this. If you just read what I wrote to a recent post, I thanked for her wise & honest advice. Now I can block you & London so I can see less useless advice. Yes, you are boring & boorish.


That's ok; other people read my posts and get something useful out of them. As i type this, i promise that there are at least a dozen "lurkers" reading my posts who will never register or post here and see themselves in your situation and read my posts and say "eureka". So, it isn't REALLY all about YOU, whether you realize it or not. I know you think this thread is your personal, private, safe space, but that does not make it in fact the case.

Since you won't be reading this, you won't learn that there is a Life Stories & Blogs section on here where you can keep your head in the sand and get the moderators to delete any posts you don't like. Although, the Ignore function only works if no one quotes the person you want to avoid. It isn't like Fakebook where if you "Block" someone, they can't see anything you do and you can't see anything they do, and it's like you don't exist to each other.
 
That's ok; other people read my posts and get something useful out of them. As i type this, i promise that there are at least a dozen "lurkers" reading my posts who will never register or post here and see themselves in your situation and read my posts and say "eureka". So, it isn't REALLY all about YOU, whether you realize it or not. I know you think this thread is your personal, private, safe space, but that does not make it in fact the case.

Since you won't be reading this, you won't learn that there is a Life Stories & Blogs section on here where you can keep your head in the sand and get the moderators to delete any posts you don't like. Although, the Ignore function only works if no one quotes the person you want to avoid. It isn't like Fakebook where if you "Block" someone, they can't see anything you do and you can't see anything they do, and it's like you don't exist to each other.

For whatever reason, I can see this. I haven't minded all of your posts, but your last one was complete shit b/c you hadn't bothered to read my posts & made a huge bunch of incorrect assumptions.
 
For whatever reason, I can see this. I haven't minded all of your posts, but your last one was complete shit b/c you hadn't bothered to read my posts & made a huge bunch of incorrect assumptions.

I have read your posts and that is what i gleaned from them. If you want enabling and denial, there are plenty of people here who will gladly provide that, but i'm not among them.
 
Enjoy your weekend!

One more thing, I doubt that either of them intended to hurt you. I know that doesn't help much. But confused people do some really weird shit. I had to learn to listen to my gut feelings the hard way too. ;)

Ha! You got it, they are confused, they are both nice (if misguided people, as we all can be), and I know they both feel awful that I am hurt. They are busy this weekend as am I so the distance & lack of communication is helping a lot.

I have to wonder if she agreed to this so she could keep him since she knows she can't fulfill him. I will never ever understand why 2 people with vastly differently sexual desires marry. Am I wrong? Is "love" enough? Sorry, but it isn't for me. I want an equal partner.
 
Last edited:
I have read your posts and that is what i gleaned from them. If you want enabling and denial, there are plenty of people here who will gladly provide that, but i'm not among them.
Dude, this one is a lost cause.

In one breath she says:

I should change the title of this thread to say "He allowed his wife to end the relationship"...in the end. I only have myself to blame for my own unhappiness.

And in the next

What boringguy said is completely untrue & pointless

Yet you are saying basically what I am saying. She went into this knowing full well what it was about.

She doesn't want to be helped. She wants to be a victim. It's easier than owning your shit.
 
Word.

And as i iterated previously, i am very ok with that.

I am also very ok with the possibility that i AM full of shit. I am not emotionally attached to being right, at least not in this thread. (after all, i am sitting naked in vermont 90 degree weather sipping Angry Orchard (what else?) hard cider, and it's time to go make a pastrami and avocado sandwich and go search for wild mushrooms. Just had to sneak that in there, lol).
 
Dude, this one is a lost cause.

In one breath she says: And in the next

Yet you are saying basically what I am saying. She went into this knowing full well what it was about.

She doesn't want to be helped. She wants to be a victim. It's easier than owning your shit.

No, I didn't go into this knowing full well what it was about. Ever hear the phrase "hindsight is 20/20"? I'm not being a victim, neither of you bothered to read all of my posts which is why I made those comments about Boringuy. I am new to poly & am trying to figure this out. I am very sad, hurt & angry right now, this just happened this week...Am I not allowed to have any feelings? I have "owned my shit". So no one is allowed to make mistakes. Just b/c I may have been misguided or gotten carried away with NRE doesn't mean that that I'm victim or am not owning my shit. And just b/c I allowed this to happen doesn't mean that J has been great to me. I haven't written everything he's said or done to me lately, he's said some not to nice stuff even though he's admitted to hurting me. Holy shit, you are utterly lacking in compassion & I don't care what your fucking disorder is.

That goodness that London & Boringguy are in the minority or we'ds all be fucked.
 
No, I didn't go into this knowing full well what it was about.

Well, now you have learned something. Don't go into a relationship without knowing what you're getting into.

That goodness that London & Boringguy are in the minority or we'ds all be fucked.

We're all anonymous people on a message board, and don't really have the power to fuck anyone over unless you give it to us. Take what you value from what we say and leave the rest. I appreciate you sending me thanks for my earlier post, btw, but sometimes the harshest words contain a kernel of truth that can be useful.

I actually just told him that I don't know if/when I will see him again & that I don't know if I can remain friends with him b/c of the way he's treated me . . . I asked him for more time our last night together, if he complies, I will probably see him, if not, I'm probably going to end it completely & not even bother with being friends . . . Lessons learned.

Seriously, if you learned any lessons from this, why would you still consider meeting up with him? Don't let an unrealistic attachment, fear of being alone, or horny dreams of hot sex get in the way of good judgment. Be proactive, find your spine, and take a stance instead of waiting for him to choose - you already know what his choice will be, anyway. And even if he does give you what you want now - wouldn't you say that is too little, too late?
 
Well, now you have learned something. Don't go into a relationship without knowing what you're getting into.

We're all anonymous people on a message board, and don't really have the power to fuck anyone over unless you give it to us. Take what you value from what we say and leave the rest. I appreciate you sending me thanks for my earlier post, btw, but sometimes the harshest words contain a kernel of truth that can be useful.

Seriously, if you learned any lessons from this, why would you still consider meeting up with him? Don't let an unrealistic attachment, fear of being alone, or horny dreams of hot sex get in the way of good judgment. Be proactive, find your spine, and take a stance instead of waiting for him to choose - you already know what his choice will be, anyway. And even if he does give you what you want now - wouldn't you say that is too little, too late?

FYI...I told him that he won't be hearing from me for a while regardless of his answer. I found my spine already

I have other lovers so it's not like I'm totally alone. I'm just hurt.

Sorry, but London & Boringguy didn't read everything I wrote, made some grossly inaccurate assumptions & spewed a lot of BS as usual. There wasn't a kernel of truth this time, once in a while there is. They're just mad b.c I called them on their shit.
 
FYI...I told him that he won't be hearing from me for a while regardless of his answer. I found my spine already.

Well, good. It's just that you wrote two conflicting statements and that was confusing:

. . . I actually just told him that I don't know if/when I will see him again & that I don't know if I can remain friends with him b/c of the way he's treated me.

I asked him for more time our last night together, if he complies, I will probably see him, if not, I'm probably going to end it completely & not even bother with being friends.

"If he does this, I will see him, and if he does that, I won't" doesn't sound like you really took a stance at all. It sounds like he still holds power over how you conduct your life, and that you're waiting for him to make a choice before you will. <shrug> But if you won't contact him no matter what his answer is, then why even wait for an answer?


Sorry, but London & Boringguy didn't read everything I wrote, made some grossly inaccurate assumptions & spewed a lot of BS as usual. There wasn't a kernel of truth this time, once in a while there is. They're just mad b.c I called them on their shit.

Oh, I highly doubt that either of them are mad about anything you wrote, actually.
 
Last edited:
Oh, I highly doubt that either of them are mad about anything you wrote, actually.

London made a specific comment on it so I think he cared.

I'm exhausted & on an emotional rollercoaster. I'm not planning on seeing him anytime soon, I was planning on seeing him & recently changed my mind as I've thought this through. It's a process.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top