Australians New to poly not sure how to proceed

AusCouple

New member
Hiya;

My wife and I have just recently realized that we would like to open our relationship up to a third partner (in a triad style relationship). We live in North QLD in Australia and it seems like there is no community for this lifestyle anywhere around us, the closes we could find is thousands of kilometres away. Just wondering on if anyone has any advice on how we should proceed with this!! We don't even know how to bring it up in a conversation. Plus we run our own business so we really don't have a lot of free time to pursue our desired relationship goals. Thanks in advance!!!
 
Firstly, you're much better off if you both date separately than if you try to restrict yourself to a shared partner, particularly if you're already restricting your potential dating pool geographically. If it just happens that one of you ends up finding a partner who also hits it off with the existing partner, great, but going out with that being the only acceptable outcome will most likely end in disappointment.

Secondly, (and I suspect you've already tried this) try googling "poly" and the name of the nearest large town to see if you can find a meet-up group of some kind. Only rarely will that sort of thing be a venue for finding potential partners, but at least you'll have more people to talk to who understand what you're on about. You may have some luck with online dating; OkCupid is a poly-friendly site to start with (and is where I found 2 of my 3 partners).

Finally, don't try to squish anyone into a preconfigured box. Let any relationships you or your wife may have develop naturally. Remember that anyone you become involved with is a real person with real feelings and don't treat them as things to be tossed away the minute they deviate from the perfect triad relationship mould you visualise. Make sure that they have a say in any rules that affect their relationship with whichever of you they're in a relationship with. Find someone you value for themself, not just for how they might spice up your marriage.
 
FWIW?

This is what sticks out to me, in order of relevance.

we really don't have a lot of free time to pursue our desired relationship goals.

Then why try to form a triad at this time? You don't have time to maintain it right now. Could postpone dating until later when you do have the time.

How is your current relationship? With this time scarcity, is that relationship getting the time it needs to be healthy?

seems like there is no community for this lifestyle anywhere around us, the closes we could find is thousands of kilometres away.

Are you planning to move later? Can you financially afford lots of travel costs for LDR dating? Would being "out" in your local community and starting a local group yourselves hurt your business and thus your financial security?

We don't even know how to bring it up in a conversation.

Do you mean you don't know HOW? Why would it be any different than how you used to date before you married? You tell people you think they are interesting, you are looking for X, and wonder if they might want to go on a date and get better acquainted.
They either do or they do not.

Or do you mean you feel uncomfortable doing it? That goes away with practice. One becomes more comfortable through doing.

We want a triad.

It's ok to want what you want, but know this is a limited slice of a limited slice.

Not everyone is up for poly. Of those that are up for poly? Not all of them are up for triad. Of those that are up for triads, not all of those will find you AND wife attractive. Of those who find you AND wife attractive? They might not all have the skills/desire to go long term. "Willingness" to go there and "ability" to sustain it are two different things.

A triad is one of the hardest models because it is essentially 3V's all stacked up on top of each other.

If you might be willing to do other open models, then consider what those might be. Each one has pros and cons.

If you are only up for Triad, then you know you need to tell any potentials that up front. Don't waste your time or theirs.

So... that comes back to talking to people and becoming more skilled at conversation.

Maybe reading more about poly could help

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles
http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/downloadabledocuments.html
http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/
https://www.morethantwo.com

Galagirl
 
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Hi AusCouple,

Sounds like you have your work cut out for you, I don't know how to solve the problems you mentioned. Maybe you could get to know various people as friends, tell them about poly, and then if the friendship starts to turn romantic, the friend will already know about poly so there's not a system shock.

But even that idea requires time, ideally a lot of time, and you say you hardly have any time. That's a hard obstacle to get around. Even if you found the perfect person for a triad tomorrow, you would still need time to tend to their needs and their place in the relationship.

Can you hire some part-time help for your business? Just a thought ...

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Another Aussie triad

Hi we have been a constant triad for 10 months now. From Melbourne. Very much in love and we sleep together 3 nights a week every week as our meta more female bisexual partner has 1/2 time custody, as we are not out to others. If this was not the case we would be together 100% of the time.
But none of this any of us we could have ever dreamed of or planned. You cannot date or plan to fall in love, it just happens, and for it to instantly happen to all three people at once is a freak occurrence. On these forums we read about people as individuals deciding to be polyamorous, and the problems they have I'm sure you cannot be a loving triad by dating or wishing it so. If by amorous you mean have sex or be friends then no problem, you are swingers who have friends . but if you mean amour and fall in love and for that to happen to all 3 then we would say we are the exception that proves the rule that as they say on "the castle" (movie) your Dreaming. We've never met anybody remotely like us, we hope one day we will, as they would be unbelievably happy but I think it's (almost) impossible.
 
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