The thought sometimess excite me, I want to join in the cybersex, watch her, but part of me is jealous. I dont want to lose my wife but I will if I dont agree to this. I get very jealous alot. How do I overcome that?
Well, you have already lost the "old normal." That's not coming back. Neither is the "old wife."
You are trying to get through transition to get to the "new normal" -- whatever that is. With this "new wife person" whoever that is -- that you are now getting to know.
If you don't really wanting to be here doing Open? You are only doing it as to avoid breaking up with wife? Well, that adds another load to it. And it's only been a week since you agreed to do Open. How long ago did she leave? Then come back? It sounds like she ditched you to go off with the other dude but came back. So... there's this element of maybe cheating/abandonment perhaps. You have a LOT on your plate. Have you thought about a counselor to help support you while you figure stuff out? You don't have to figure it out alone.
When you seek some kind of stability and you choose behavior that you don't
really want (like agreeing to this Open thing) -- does that ADD to your feeling stable or add to your feeling unstable?
You could read stuff about jealousy and pitfalls like
http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/images/Jealousy_Updated_10-6-10.pdf
http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/images/A._Wagner_-_Avoid_the_Pitfalls_of_Polyamory.pdf
http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell
http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/jealousy-first-aid
http://www.kathylabriola.com/articl...nster-managing-jealousy-in-open-relationships
And try to work through it. There's plenty more articles out there.
But I'd start with this
https://www.scarleteen.com/article/relationships/should_i_stay_or_should_i_go
Read the whole thing, but main bullet points below.
Because if your heart isn't
really in being here like THIS, I don't see where bending yourself into pretzels to cling on is going to help you. Or doing a bunch of reading and research will help. It might almost be like me learning a bunch of things about golf when I don't even want to be playing golf.
Could be avoidance -- like do all this other side research stuff to avoid sitting with THIS thing over here. Like stages of grief for the old marriage?
Does your wife know that's what you are doing? Only participating to avoid breaking up? I don't know how a 2 people relationship structure much less a relationship structure with MORE people in it is supposed to do well without basic honesty. Like do all the participants even WANT to be here? And right now you sound like "No. I don't want to be here."
You don't sound like you want it. Who knows if Norway dude even wants that. Sounds like wife wants it just to "solve" her problems so she doesn't have to choose. It doesn't sound like people are choosing this relationship model from a "joyful yes!" place.
Galagirl
Excerpt:
Should you stay…
- You and the other person very much want to be in the relationship you're in together
- Most of the relationship makes everyone in it happy most of the time
- You and the other person are getting most of what each of you wants and needs
- You look forward to seeing each other, share a lot of laughter and joy, and find the relationship makes you feel good about yourself
- Both of you feel the give-and-take is mutual
- Communication is open and works well
- The relationship is and has been physically and emotionally healthy and safe for everyone
- Everyone in the relationship is, or at least seems, very invested in it
- You and the other person have more good things to say about each other, and things you like about each other, than criticisms or things you dislike
- You resolve conflict well together
- The relationship feels like a place where everyone can be themselves, be challenged and grow in positive ways, and is accepted, cared for and supported
- You or the other person don't feel done
…or should you go?
- You or the other person don't really want to be in the relationship anymore or feel apathetic about it
- The relationship makes anyone in it unhappy a lot of the time
- You or the other person are not getting most of what you want or need
- Seeing each other isn't something one or both of you looks forward to anymore, there's little laughter or joy, and one or both of you finds the relationship makes you feel bad about yourself
- You or the other person feels like they give way more than they get
- Communication has broken down, stopped or feels impossible
- The relationship is or has been physically or emotionally unhealthy or unsafe for anyone in it
- Anyone in the relationship isn't or doesn't seem invested in it
- You and the other person have more bad things to say about each other, and things you dislike about each other, than good things or things you like
- You don't resolve conflict well together or feel only one of you is trying to fix things
- The relationship feels like a place where someone wants to change the other, where positive challenges and growth have stopped happening or never happened, and/or one or both people aren't being accepting, caring or supportive
- You're only or mostly staying in it out of guilt
- You or the other person feels done
Still not sure if you should stay or go?
For the most part, these are all not-so-great reasons to stick with a relationship, so if any of them hits home, give them some real thought:
- Is this the right relationship for you in your life now, or was it only right in the past?
- Are you staying in because this feels good, or because this feels familiar?
- Are you afraid of change in your life or of being alone or single? Is this relationship keeping you from needed change or growth?
- Do you feel like letting go means you failed? Are you staying to try and prove something to yourself or someone else?
- Are you staying because you feel guilty about having been sexual in something other than a lifelong relationship?
- Are you choosing to stay because you've become a partner's caretaker or counselor rather than their partner?
- Are you staying because any relationship seems better than no relationship, or because you're afraid this is the only chance you'll have for this kind of relationship?
- Are you staying because it's what the other person wants or says they need, even if it's not what you want and need?
- Are you staying because you made some kind of promise that you know you can't keep or don't want to, but feel guilty about breaking?
- Are you staying in figuring you'll just wait and see if something better comes along, and stay if it doesn't?