New to Polyamory and need help and support

IanK

New member
Hi everyone,

Me and my wife have agreed to have a polyamorious marriage about a week ago. We have been married 25 years and she left me to meet a guy in Norway. She came back to me because she wanted to be with me but when she came back she wanted to be with him, and the cycle started. So we talked and agreed to have an open marriage. She says shes in love with me and in love with this other guy, and I have an interested girl.

The problem Iam having is I feel even having sex everyday I am still not satisfying her, and when I go out so she can have cyber sex with this other guy I get jealous and very anxious. I want this to work, This is the only way our marriage can be saved. How do I deal with the jealousy? how can I be happy in this relationship? Any tips, opinions and ideas would be greatly appreiated.

Thank you everyone
 
Greetings IanK,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.
Here are some links that may help:

Also you may want to look for a sex therapist, to help you with your problem of not satisfying your wife. Although, that may simply be because she wants sex with both you *and* with the guy in Norway, no matter how many times she has it with you, it's the variety she wants. Does that make sense?

Hopefully some of that helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

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Welcome aboard!
 
Hi everyone,

Me and my wife have agreed to have a polyamorious marriage about a week ago. We have been married 25 years and she left me to meet a guy in Norway. She came back to me because she wanted to be with me but when she came back she wanted to be with him, and the cycle started. So we talked and agreed to have an open marriage. She says shes in love with me and in love with this other guy, and I have an interested girl.

The problem Iam having is I feel even having sex everyday I am still not satisfying her, and when I go out so she can have cyber sex with this other guy I get jealous and very anxious. I want this to work, This is the only way our marriage can be saved. How do I deal with the jealousy? how can I be happy in this relationship? Any tips, opinions and ideas would be greatly appreiated.

Thank you everyone

She's not having sex with him because she's not getting enough sex, or good enough sex, from you. Having sex with Person A is going to be different than having sex with Person B. Not to mention, there is the non-sexual interaction.

Polyamory isn't "either/or." It's "both"! Everyone is unique. That's the crux of your "jealousy." Jealousy hides a fear of loss. So, since she came back to you, it's obvious she's not dating him to replace you. She just loves you both. Or loves you and is infatuated with him. True love takes time to build.

Sex with one person can be short and intense, and long and slow with someone else. Or name your adjectives. Polyamory is about variety. And of course, it's not just about sex. It's actually about feelings.

If you have 2 platonic friends, they are different, you get different things out of each relationship, right? The same thing goes for polyamory.
 
Thank you both for responding to me. I never thought it was possible to love 2 people like this. I will read up on the links you guys shared with me Its an insecurity problem I have. I am very very insensecure. I have to learn to live with this or lose her all together. I just want to get past the jealousy and enjoy the ride.
 
Well.... do you actually WANT to be practicing Open Marriage?

Or are you only doing it so as to avoid breaking up with Wife?

Galagirl
 
Re:
"I think I'm doing it to not break up with my wife."

In my opinion that can be a satisfactory reason, though I know others here will disagree. It really depends on quite a few things, such as whether you get enough out of your marriage to make it worth it. There is a difference between sincerely wanting to try something new for a good cause, and between feeling on some level like you are being forced into something you don't want. See if you can ascertain which is the case for you.
 
The thought sometimess excite me, I want to join in the cybersex, watch her, but part of me is jealous. I dont want to lose my wife but I will if I dont agree to this. I get very jealous alot. How do I overcome that?
 
With jealousy, the thing to do is to dig down and try to figure out what's at the root of it. What do you think and feel when the jealousy strikes? Do you feel scared? angry? sad? What do you think will happen if your wife continues to involve herself with other men? Do you have any irrational thoughts that you realize, "No, that's not the case," or, "That wouldn't happen," but you still feel the feelings as if it did happen?

There's also a few books you can read about jealousy:

  • "The Jealousy Workbook: exercises and insights for managing open relationships," by Kathy Labriola.
  • "Polyamory and Jealousy: a More than Two essentials guide," by Eve Rickert and Franklin Veaux.
  • "Jealousy Survival Guide: how to feel safe, happy, and secure in an open relationship," by Kitty Chambliss.
Hopefully that helps.
 
It's perfectly natural to feel jealous and anxious right now. You are redefining your marriage. Your wife left but came back. The good news is she did come back.

But your main problem is going to be that your heart isn't in this. If you want this to work long term you need to embrace poly for what it is. It is possible to do. I suggest reading up on poly as much as possible. It is a completely different mindset than monogamy.
 
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The thought sometimess excite me, I want to join in the cybersex, watch her, but part of me is jealous. I dont want to lose my wife but I will if I dont agree to this. I get very jealous alot. How do I overcome that?

Well, you have already lost the "old normal." That's not coming back. Neither is the "old wife."

You are trying to get through transition to get to the "new normal" -- whatever that is. With this "new wife person" whoever that is -- that you are now getting to know.

If you don't really wanting to be here doing Open? You are only doing it as to avoid breaking up with wife? Well, that adds another load to it. And it's only been a week since you agreed to do Open. How long ago did she leave? Then come back? It sounds like she ditched you to go off with the other dude but came back. So... there's this element of maybe cheating/abandonment perhaps. You have a LOT on your plate. Have you thought about a counselor to help support you while you figure stuff out? You don't have to figure it out alone.

When you seek some kind of stability and you choose behavior that you don't really want (like agreeing to this Open thing) -- does that ADD to your feeling stable or add to your feeling unstable? :confused:

You could read stuff about jealousy and pitfalls like

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/images/Jealousy_Updated_10-6-10.pdf

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/images/A._Wagner_-_Avoid_the_Pitfalls_of_Polyamory.pdf

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/jealousy-first-aid

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articl...nster-managing-jealousy-in-open-relationships

And try to work through it. There's plenty more articles out there.

But I'd start with this

https://www.scarleteen.com/article/relationships/should_i_stay_or_should_i_go

Read the whole thing, but main bullet points below.

Because if your heart isn't really in being here like THIS, I don't see where bending yourself into pretzels to cling on is going to help you. Or doing a bunch of reading and research will help. It might almost be like me learning a bunch of things about golf when I don't even want to be playing golf.

Could be avoidance -- like do all this other side research stuff to avoid sitting with THIS thing over here. Like stages of grief for the old marriage?

Does your wife know that's what you are doing? Only participating to avoid breaking up? I don't know how a 2 people relationship structure much less a relationship structure with MORE people in it is supposed to do well without basic honesty. Like do all the participants even WANT to be here? And right now you sound like "No. I don't want to be here." :(

You don't sound like you want it. Who knows if Norway dude even wants that. Sounds like wife wants it just to "solve" her problems so she doesn't have to choose. It doesn't sound like people are choosing this relationship model from a "joyful yes!" place. :(

Galagirl

Excerpt:

Should you stay…
  • You and the other person very much want to be in the relationship you're in together
  • Most of the relationship makes everyone in it happy most of the time
  • You and the other person are getting most of what each of you wants and needs
  • You look forward to seeing each other, share a lot of laughter and joy, and find the relationship makes you feel good about yourself
  • Both of you feel the give-and-take is mutual
  • Communication is open and works well
  • The relationship is and has been physically and emotionally healthy and safe for everyone
  • Everyone in the relationship is, or at least seems, very invested in it
  • You and the other person have more good things to say about each other, and things you like about each other, than criticisms or things you dislike
  • You resolve conflict well together
  • The relationship feels like a place where everyone can be themselves, be challenged and grow in positive ways, and is accepted, cared for and supported
  • You or the other person don't feel done

…or should you go?
  • You or the other person don't really want to be in the relationship anymore or feel apathetic about it
  • The relationship makes anyone in it unhappy a lot of the time
  • You or the other person are not getting most of what you want or need
  • Seeing each other isn't something one or both of you looks forward to anymore, there's little laughter or joy, and one or both of you finds the relationship makes you feel bad about yourself
  • You or the other person feels like they give way more than they get
  • Communication has broken down, stopped or feels impossible
  • The relationship is or has been physically or emotionally unhealthy or unsafe for anyone in it
  • Anyone in the relationship isn't or doesn't seem invested in it
  • You and the other person have more bad things to say about each other, and things you dislike about each other, than good things or things you like
  • You don't resolve conflict well together or feel only one of you is trying to fix things
  • The relationship feels like a place where someone wants to change the other, where positive challenges and growth have stopped happening or never happened, and/or one or both people aren't being accepting, caring or supportive
  • You're only or mostly staying in it out of guilt
  • You or the other person feels done

Still not sure if you should stay or go?

For the most part, these are all not-so-great reasons to stick with a relationship, so if any of them hits home, give them some real thought:

  • Is this the right relationship for you in your life now, or was it only right in the past?
  • Are you staying in because this feels good, or because this feels familiar?
  • Are you afraid of change in your life or of being alone or single? Is this relationship keeping you from needed change or growth?
  • Do you feel like letting go means you failed? Are you staying to try and prove something to yourself or someone else?
  • Are you staying because you feel guilty about having been sexual in something other than a lifelong relationship?
  • Are you choosing to stay because you've become a partner's caretaker or counselor rather than their partner?
  • Are you staying because any relationship seems better than no relationship, or because you're afraid this is the only chance you'll have for this kind of relationship?
  • Are you staying because it's what the other person wants or says they need, even if it's not what you want and need?
  • Are you staying because you made some kind of promise that you know you can't keep or don't want to, but feel guilty about breaking?
  • Are you staying in figuring you'll just wait and see if something better comes along, and stay if it doesn't?
 
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The thought sometimess excite me, I want to join in the cybersex, watch her, but part of me is jealous. I dont want to lose my wife but I will if I dont agree to this. I get very jealous alot. How do I overcome that?

I missed this part. Is that what they are into, or are you assuming that it is your right to join in?
 
I dont think its my right to join, I just want to and my wife said she would include me. As for not knowing hat I want, I want to make her happy and save my marrriage. he gave me the hall passs to see whoever I like as well. I just have to learn to get over the jealousy and get over the fact the old marriage is gone, and a new one has taken over. My ADD and ASD has my brain obsessivly thinking all the negitives and not all the positives.

My wife is with me because she doesnt want to chose, she wants both of us and loves both of us. She did ditch me but camee back because she loves me. But when shes hee she wants to be in Norway, and when shes in Norway she wants to be here with me. This is wherre the cheating and abandoment feelings came into play, but she came back and pomised to never leave me. The new normal feels so alien to me and dont know how to take it. I want this to work becuase me being able to be with another woman excites me and hopefully will bring me and my wife closer together. I just have to learn the ways of poly.
 
A few more notes on jealousy.

First, sometimes at the root of jealousy are needs that are currently not being met for you. If this is the case, a more productive way to address the jealousy would be to ask your wife if she could help you with those unmet needs.

Next, there can be two kinds of jealousy. One, is a thought or a feeling that your wife is being unfair toward you. The other, is when your wife really *is* being unfair toward you. How you respond to the jealousy depends on which kind of jealousy it is.

Just some thoughts.
 
A few more notes on jealousy.

First, sometimes at the root of jealousy are needs that are currently not being met for you. If this is the case, a more productive way to address the jealousy would be to ask your wife if she could help you with those unmet needs.

Next, there can be two kinds of jealousy. One, is a thought or a feeling that your wife is being unfair toward you. The other, is when your wife really *is* being unfair toward you. How you respond to the jealousy depends on which kind of jealousy it is.

Just some thoughts.

This is something I have to figure out. I amm talking to he about my unmet needs and what Iam looking for. She fully understands and supports me. Unfair is one thing, the other is the thought of her having sex with someone else. I am torn between turned on and jealous.
 
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Can you describe the process of switching to jealous from turned on? Is this a situation where, one moment you feel turned on, then the next moment you feel jealous? or do you feel both at once?

Can you describe the thoughts that come into your mind when you are feeling jealous? What about your feelings? Do you get mad, sad, scared, or some other feeling? It sounds like your wife is supportive.
 
I think I feel both and the jealousy also turns me on. Its weird, never felt like this before. Is this normal?
 
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