not sure what to do

sheiksquall

New member
Ok my wife and I got a girlfriend and then about a month into the relationship my wife calls it off. I know its simply due to her letting her upbringing bother her and all three of us would love to be together as well as I love my girlfriend but I also love my wife. I don't know what to do I miss my girlfriends touch so much but I don't want to loose my wife because of her confusion
 
Yes, This much i know. I just had to voice it really. Sometimes it can be so frustrating. I know in my heart I am polly and I do love my wife dearly and want to see her happy. I guess I just must work on my patients. Even if it means loosing my girlfriend I would do that for my wife. Its not that my heart would not be broken if she dose decide to move on and forget us but I must be patient.
 
The key is to (without blame) identify the fears.

I was raised with a STRONG personal faith in God.
Still have it-and still poly.

I read an article on lovemore.com in the last magazine they had on there. It was about the Bible, God etc.

Where does it say that GOD SAYS loving more than one person is WRONG? (clue, it doesn't)

The critical part of maturing in our lives is the point where we look at all we've been taught and we dissect it in order to identify what IS true for us and what IS NOT.

Sounds like your wife has hit that time, it's not easy-but it's VERY worth looking into.


Also-a lot of people seem to have a REAL personal struggle with worrying about what "everyone else" thinks.

I suggest two books-neither are about poly-but they pertain to relationships and ourselves.

Living Happily Ever After-Marsha Sinetar
The Seven Levels of Intimacy-Matthew Kelly

Great real life suggestions for resolving the issues that cause us to let fear control our actions.
 
Thank you so much my wife was raised like you and I thank you for the books as she is an avid reader. Yes I also have great faith in God but i found the truth and now I cannot go back to the lie.
 
I have a great faith as well.
And I won't go back-furthermore-I don't believe that it's what God wants for me or intends for me.

Not only that but the last two Sunday services were AWESOME and this last one was great when I got to tell my husband to be sure his partner (my boyfriend who he is NOT involved with sexually) was taking good notes on the responsibilities of a husband......
(service was on the responsibilities of a husband)

Because they both hold that responsibility as far as I'm concerned.

If you want to humor yourself. REALLY read 1st Corinthians and count how many times Paul writes "I say, not the Lord" before going on about something (virginity, marriage etc) there are a number of times. You might find it interesting to read. ;)
 
what about the girlfriend? sheiksquall, I kow you want to protect your marriage, and I dont know all details on how the 3 of you came to be together, but given my current possition I can relate to the girlfriend and it's a horrible feeling. I can not speak for her, but when a similar situation happened on my V, I felt my feelings were worth 2 cents, because a 3rd had complete control and power on the decision. Perhaps your situation is totally different, but think on her too.

Good luck, I hope you can get past this.
 
for your info the girlfriend really wants my wife to be comfortable with the situation. I know its not easy on her however she is understanding that this was a first time.
 
On the gf note.

It IS important to understand that if you are going to do poly-the "third person" is a PERSON first with feelings and needs, and a "third" only after that....
 
Yes I know she dose. Belive me. Thats one of the reason things were so hard and still are hard on me. She really dose want our relationship to work but she also wants my wife to come around first. She knows full well that for us to have a solid relationship it must be built on all three of us not just one or two of us. If we are ever going to be a family it needs to be all three of us. Understand that when push comes to shove any girlfriend I get I will eventualy propose to and find somone to "marry" us. It may not be a legal marrage but I will find someone willing to do so.
 
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Is it possible that some of your wife's hesitance is that she doesn't want a second wife in the house?

It's one thing for you to say "I am poly and I want to share my love with another person too" and even if your wife got to a point where she could fully support that, it doesn't mean she necessarily wants to share her home with someone else, and that's completely her prerogative.

In the same way that the girlfriend is an person with needs and feelings, your wife is too, and if she wants to keep her living arrangements the way they are, then you may need to rethink your plans.

Ultimately, I find it unrealistic to have an attitude of "anyone I date is with the intent to marry" whether as an addition to a poly relationship or as a monogamous person looking for the love of their life. The moment I stopped looking for a life partner, he fell right into my lap. Literally, it was within a few months of me deciding to stop "having relationships" and just start "dating" people and living for myself. Then *plop* the universe says "ok, now that you GET IT, here's your soul mate" :)
 
Ok so maybe i said that completely wrong. I am looking for another spouse it doesn't necessarily mean that I would have married my girlfriend. I was simply dating her to make things clear she was not living with us. We were in a loving caring relationship and that is it. We are still good friends after all this drama and she is open to the idea of a relationship again but wants my wife to get her head on straight first. Yes its possibly that my wife was simply wanting to try the poly life and found out it was not for her but its also in my opinion based on my observations from my wife that she is just scared. Scared of what others think and scared of drama. Every relationship has its problems. I really did get the info i was looking for in here and am thankful for that. Understand I love my wife i love her so much and I do not want to hurt her in anyway.
 
Also one quick comment. I don't believe in soul-mates. Period. I think that a great relationship can be formed and that some people will be better fitting together in a loving caring committed relationship than others but i do not believe in soul-mates. To say that one person is a perfect fit for another is a lie of the Monogamists.
 
Also one quick comment. I don't believe in soul-mates. Period. I think that a great relationship can be formed and that some people will be better fitting together in a loving caring committed relationship than others but i do not believe in soul-mates. To say that one person is a perfect fit for another is a lie of the Monogamists.

Wow...that last statement is rather arrogant. This is exactly why the Monogamists tend to react so badly to the Non-Monogamists. If we want "them" to not judge "us" then we can't separate them by insulting what they believe in.

I think you will find some Monogamists on this site who are with poly's who would disagree with your narrow minded view. Heck I have been open for 10ish years and I disagree with the broad stroke you are trying to paint...
 
This is going to sound very new age, and trust me I am not. But something I found a bunch of years ago is called anam cara. This idea of a soul mate is relatively limited and I could never relate (I was as vehement as you are). After diving into myself and doing craptastic amount of research I found something called Anam Cara. It fit with both my spirituality and with my belief that there is not a mythical ONE!

Its an interesting read if you can find a site that isn't all lovey dovey (unfortunately, on the web today it has been taken over from fact and given over to more myth). The gist is, Anam Cara is a soul friend or like soul. You meet many soul friends in your life that make connections with you, create an impact on something. Sometimes they stick around sometimes the connection ends. But the impact is no less important to your life.

http://justagirlintheworld.com/anam-cara-the-friend-of-your-soul/

Just something to consider, seeing as I also don't believe in soul mate but wanted to understand what the hell people were talking about.
 
I am not saying that there are not people who are attached ok I get that I know that full well. I am talking about the broad Idea of a Soul-mate I don't believe in. Now I do believe that some people are suppose to be together. I have totally felt the pull on many occasions mostly with friends but its hard to describe. But its like when i meet a person if after only knowing them a day I don't remember not knowing them I know full well that is the pull that you speak of. Now the idea though of a soul-mate I don't agree with that's all I'm saying. I am sorry I felt a little judged by the remarks and I may have gotten a little defensive in my last post.
 
No worries, and I am not judging your view that you don't believe in soul mates. Feel free to believe what you want, but why insult the large majority who can and do believe that.
 
I never meant it as an insult that's all I'm saying. Also i feel like my views on being poly are not accepted in society and that its because monogamists belive that they are so right they have made it illegal and shameful I am not ashamed of being poly I love that I can share my love with many people. We poly are repressed and sometimes i get a little heated over that
 
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I never meant it as an insult that's all I'm saying. Also i feel like my views on being poly are not accepted in society and that its because monogamists belive that they are so right they have made it illegal and shameful I am not ashamed of being poly I love that I can share my love with many people. We poly are repressed and sometimes i get a little heated over that

I believe in soul mates. I have met several of them. My connection to Mono, Polyneridst, my ex-girlfriend when I was 23, etc. all soul mates and why I love them all. They were different somehow and felt like they came to me and me to them from another time entirely. I can't explain that and don't look for it, but I also can't deny it either. I just believe that you can have more than one.

Btw, not all mono's are bad news... just the ones that don't know about poly and feel threatened by it... why? because it makes them uncomfortable would be my guess and no one likes to feel uncomfortable. Some people when they feel uncomfortable try and control, others try and learn in order to understand and accept. Perhaps finding the latter would suit you more?

As for the topic at hand?
I hope that you find what you are looking for and with time and patience and of course mutual respect, compassion and communication that what is meant to be will be.
 
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