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Old 01-27-2011, 02:28 PM
gwendolenthefair's Avatar
gwendolenthefair gwendolenthefair is offline
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 62
Default What motivates you towards a long-distance relationship?

So I have this female online buddy whom I know through a couple of friends, and she and I have had a great time chitchatting for a couple of months. I feel pretty good about this woman and I think I trust her.

About a month ago, she and her boyfriend (whom I know a bit from a social event I have attended a couple of times) were in our area and stopped at our house for a couple of hours. It was nice to meet her in person, and nice to see her boyfriend again, after not having done so for about a year.

Now, my friend is interested in a relationship with my husband. I would cautiously support that, except the problem is that she lives three hours from us, and he and I have always avoided long-distance relationships. We have kids, one of whom does not know we are poly. I have been in a couple of serious relationships (husband has not), and have always avoided overnight dates, as a general rule, to avoid being away from family and kids. In a past relationship I had that lasted two and a half years, I only had two weekends away with that partner, that entire time.

I could see my husband pursuing this thing with my friend and maybe going to see her a few times a year, but the thing is, I don't even understand why he'd bother. I know he likes her as a friend, she's a lovely person, and they have had a great time talking on the phone for the past couple of weeks. She is emphatically NOT his type physically, and he admitted to me that he didn't particularly feel any "lust" when we all met. It seems to me that if you are considering a relationship with someone that requires a lot of travel and potential expense and time away from your family, you should feel a strong attraction from the start. It seems to me that he's going along with this because SHE is pushing for it, not because he really wants it. He won't say though.

I also question whether this woman would really be ok with seeing my husband a few weekends a year. I know that she is VERY needy of her existing boyfriend's time, and would really prefer a primary relationship with him, which her boyfriend has indicated he does not want at all. She sees her boyfriend a couple of times a week, and in between that, is always going on and on to me about how she would like more time with him, but can't get it (since the boyfriend has a busy life, plus has two other partners).

My husband has shied away from meeting new people online in general for various reasons, although he could easily find partners, he's very attractive and sweet. While I am reluctant for him to date someone who is a completely unknown to me, because of a very bad experience we both had with that, it seems to me that this situation isn't really right either. I'm not sure though, because I'm in it.

What does everyone think?
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Old 01-27-2011, 03:26 PM
Derbylicious's Avatar
Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Victoria BC
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My thoughts are that maybe the two of them should just let it play out however it plays out. Yes there are a lot of hurdles in a LDR but they both know what they are getting into going into it. Either it will work out or it won't. If we all avoided any relationship because there were circmstances that might make it not work out we would all live our lives alone.
Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok it's not the end.
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