Am i thinking realisticly

Wondering

New member
My husband and I are coming into some troubles. One of the biggest is she doesnt want to get to know me or be friends. Is it unrealistic of me to want to know the woman my husband is dating or is that me being to controlling?
 
I would have a hard time entering into a poly relationship without knowing the other partners.

However it does work for some people. You need to decide if it works for you :)
 
This is the woman who you don't trust to use condoms, so I can see why you are skeptical about her in general. Usually, just the fact that she doesn't want to "be friends" is not a "red-flag" in and of itself, but I sense from the tone of your other posts that you have a bad gut feeling about this. I don't know you, your husband, or his girlfriend, but it sounds like you want to do what's right and you have some reason(s) why you don't trust her. Not wanting to at least MEET you, and you "wondering" about it, tells me that there is more to this than what is visible on the surface.
 
I definitely wouldn't be fine with not getting to know my husband's or boyfriend's girlfriend... Or if they didn't know each other or didn't get along.
So while it can work for some people, I certainly don't think you're being unreasonable.
 
Is this an ongoing thing or is she new to this? I've heard this as an initial reaction when being introduce to poly and it changing with a little encouragement. For me personally it would be a deal breaker. I don't live half lives or double lives. It's all inclusive.
 
Is this an ongoing thing or is she new to this? I've heard this as an initial reaction when being introduce to poly and it changing with a little encouragement. For me personally it would be a deal breaker. I don't live half lives or double lives. It's all inclusive.

She has been with married men before but in secret. Their wives have known nothing about her...in fact one of the men she is seeing is married but his wife doesn't know. She is knew to the wife knowing aspect of it but still doesn't see the point or believe that we need to be friends or even know each other. I don't know if i should just step back and see how things play out or stand my ground.
 
This is the woman who you don't trust to use condoms, so I can see why you are skeptical about her in general. Usually, just the fact that she doesn't want to "be friends" is not a "red-flag" in and of itself, but I sense from the tone of your other posts that you have a bad gut feeling about this. I don't know you, your husband, or his girlfriend, but it sounds like you want to do what's right and you have some reason(s) why you don't trust her. Not wanting to at least MEET you, and you "wondering" about it, tells me that there is more to this than what is visible on the surface.


Yes its the very same woman. I do have a bad gut feeling but he loves her so much i can't stand to see him hurt by not being with her. I feel he would resent me if he broke up with her bc of me and i don't want that.
 
IXm a little curious if your husband isn't seriously concerned about this woman's chronic dishonesty towards relationships. She seems drawn to cheating. Does he not think she will and is keeping him in the dark about other things? How does one truly love some one who is so comfortable with lying? How do you ever trust them enough to reach true depth? Once again we see the blinding affects of NRE.
 
She has been with married men before but in secret. Their wives have known nothing about her...in fact one of the men she is seeing is married but his wife doesn't know. She is knew to the wife knowing aspect of it but still doesn't see the point or believe that we need to be friends or even know each other. I don't know if i should just step back and see how things play out or stand my ground.

Ick... I say go with your gut. It just depends on what your poly is. Are you okay with your husband having a double life that excludes you. ( With a repeated mistress) Does he really want a double life? It works for some ( minus the mistress part.)
 
I don't know about your history but I would definitely take every precaution to make yourself sexually safe with this woman in his/your life.
 
IXm a little curious if your husband isn't seriously concerned about this woman's chronic dishonesty towards relationships.

Yeah, that's a puzzler. Why is he choosing to be involved with someone who isn't interested enough in his life to even meet his wife, and who seems to have a preference for dishonest relationships?
 
Ick... I say go with your gut. It just depends on what your poly is. Are you okay with your husband having a double life that excludes you. ( With a repeated mistress) Does he really want a double life? It works for some ( minus the mistress part.)

neither he nor i want to lead double lives but he is hoping she will come around. I really don't think she will though. But in the end i do have to do what is going to make me happy and safe
 
Yeah, that's a puzzler. Why is he choosing to be involved with someone who isn't interested enough in his life to even meet his wife, and who seems to have a preference for dishonest relationships?

well he doesn't see it as being dishonest. He is blaming the guys from her past as the ones lying and cheating. I am trying to get him to see that she is doing it as well. Not having much luck though.
 
I don't know about your history but I would definitely take every precaution to make yourself sexually safe with this woman in his/your life.

Second time i have heard that today......i told him at dinner tonight that i am seriously thinking about going back to using protection with him everytime. I am that scared or paranoid how ever you want to see it.
 
Second time i have heard that today......i told him at dinner tonight that i am seriously thinking about going back to using protection with him everytime. I am that scared or paranoid how ever you want to see it.

Good for you my friend :)
 
Mono shoots.....Mono scores.


Bitch would have to hit the curb. We're a team. Take your whorin' ways elsewhere we're trying to build real relationships. And please please please be safe. Skankosaurus could be contagious.
 
Personally, I don't need my partners or partners' partners to be best friends. It would be lovely, don't get me wrong, but I think that is unrealistic. Having said that, I need people to be able to meet and be civil to each other. If they can't manage that, that is a deal breaker for me. I wouldn't be happy in a situation where my partner's partner did not want to meet me or get to know me.

It sounds like you have a really bad vibe off this woman, and part of me is wondering why your partner isn't listening to your concerns. The information you have given so far about this woman suggests you don't trust her to be respectful of your relationship, and that would raise alarm bells for me.

Hope the situation gets resolved xx
 
Personally, I don't need my partners or partners' partners to be best friends. It would be lovely, don't get me wrong, but I think that is unrealistic. Having said that, I need people to be able to meet and be civil to each other. If they can't manage that, that is a deal breaker for me. I wouldn't be happy in a situation where my partner's partner did not want to meet me or get to know me.

It sounds like you have a really bad vibe off this woman, and part of me is wondering why your partner isn't listening to your concerns. The information you have given so far about this woman suggests you don't trust her to be respectful of your relationship, and that would raise alarm bells for me.

Hope the situation gets resolved xx

I agree i don"t want to be her best friend but i would like to know her some. I didn't get a bad vibe from her right away this has been a slow building thing. At the beginning he and i had sex while he was having phone sex with her (i know strange but they were in a long distance relationship and to honest it was really hot). We did it twice and when he asked if she would like to do it agian she said no which was cool but then that is when it started that he shut off and things with her become more secret.
 
Secret or seperate?

I know my partners wouldn't dream of getting involved with each other. I have two totally seperate relationships in that respect. But they do have a building friendship and I do talk to them about the other one in general conversation.

I think you need to figure out exactly what is bothering you about this woman and her relationship with your partner, and discuss it with them openly if that feels appropriate. (That's my advice anyway!)
 
I am talking to him about it but i am not sure he is hearing me. She and I don't talk so I can't talk to her :(. I'm just trying to make sure i am not expecting too much and what i want is realistic. Because if I am then I need to look into myself and figure somethings out.
 
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