I don't know if I can do this anymore.

To each their own but I'd at least make sure you had that Very spelled out conversation with her. Also re having the conversation I think someone else said you could point her to this thread. You totally could!
 
To each their own but I'd at least make sure you had that Very spelled out conversation with her. Also re having the conversation I think someone else said you could point her to this thread. You totally could!

You seem to know what you're talking about. I'll plan on talking with her. In the case that I break it off, would you recommend that I do that with only her, or with both of them present?
 
I actually wouldn't know how to handle that situation and would be a bit uncomfy advising anyone regarding exactly how to break up with someone.
 
You seem to know what you're talking about. I'll plan on talking with her. In the case that I break it off, would you recommend that I do that with only her, or with both of them present?
Why would break it off with him there? You're not his girlfriend - correct? - so, you wouldn't be breaking up with him. She's the one you're involved with, talk to her alone.
 
It sounds like this just wasn't meant to be... It's odd that she got involved with you deeply, and then pulled back. She sounds less into you than she first was, and she doesn't have the courage to tell you, so she's letting her actions tell you.

And if you really want a wife of your own, you're jealous of "what they have," 2 people, a mono relationship, it sounds to me like you're just torturing yourself.

It would be nice if you could make a respectful clean break. But the way humans are is, if you try and break up, she might then come running back. Only to go back to her old ignoring behaviors a short time later.

I think she's being rather clueless and self involved. Not buying your movie ticket after you bought her dinner, sheesh.
 
It would be nice if you could make a respectful clean break.

This is exactly what I hope for, should it come to that. I don't want there to be more hard feelings than necessary. I'd like to remain cordial with them, although I seriously doubt it will be possible to remain close friends, under these circumstances.

You are right about torturing myself. There comes a point when you have to be true to yourself, and once I find out if my fears are indeed true, then I will have no choice but to move on. I can't go on like this much longer. I've never even been drunk until I started dealing with this. Now I drink to numb the anxiety. Red flag? Yes. I need to stop this, one way or another, before my emotions spiral more out of control than they already are.

I need to possibly bow out gracefully while a portion of my dignity is still intact.
 
Okay, the not buying your movie ticket gives me a different picture. There are lots of behaviors that could have other explanations - this is not one of them. Hard to say, well she is preoccupied with the baby or just has her head up her ass and isn't paying attention with that one.

I'm sorry you are going through this. :(
 
What’s more, is they are actively trying to have a baby. I just recently found this out, and it didn’t feel good for me. (Yes, this makes me feel like a horrible person.) First off, I’ve never wanted kids. Secondly, all I can think about is how he can make a baby for her, and build a family, and have an intimacy that I can never be a part of. Also, I wasn’t aware that they had decided to start trying again. Part of me feels like it’s none of my business, but then part of me feels like she should have talked to me about it.

I had to re-read your OP and caught on to the bolded part. It sounds like prior to your evolving relationship that they had tried to conceive and gave up at some point. Is that what has happened with them?

If that is the case I am not sure why you wouldn't expect them to want children or attempt it again. It sounds like they've been completely open and honest with you about their marriage before you and how they feel after you. And as Dirt said, if it was just you and her, would you be willing to change your feelings about children? Just curious what your answer is. (and I apologize as I have not read beyond Dirt's post if you already answered this).
 
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Now, for the not so good feels. Here is the stuff that cuts me to the bone. I've had time to reflect, and I think it comes down to this: I fear that I love her more than she loves me. That's the easiest way to put it. Now, let me explain:

Because of my partner's job situation, she spends most of the week with me. Her husband lives three hours away, and is in the process of finding a job. They see each other every weekend: either she goes there, or he comes here and we all three spend the weekend together. I completely understand that she would miss him terribly when they're not together. I totally get that. But they are both so miserable right now, that I feel like there's nothing I can do to help pull her out of the slump. Instead of enjoying the time we have together, she's sad because she misses him, or because of the pregnancy issues, etc. We haven't been having sex nearly as often as we used to. And yes, we've talked about it. Because of some medications, etc, her sex drive isn't as high as it used to be. I believe that, and I'm okay with it. But it's really difficult for me to go 2-3 weeks without sexual intimacy with her, but yet know they're having sex every single time they see each other, because she wants to get pregnant. And when he visits here for the weekend, they're in the next room making love while I'm crying myself to sleep.

And it's not just sex, either. We had a wonderfully strong emotional connection for the first few months of our relationship. I'm sad to say I continue to feel that connection fading as time goes by... not from me, but from her. I know that NRE is definitely an issue here, but I feel just as strongly as I ever have, and I honestly get the feeling she doesn't. I know the only way to know is to ask, so I have. I ask all the time. She continually tells me that she loves the way things are going, that she's still attracted to me, that she wants to continue exploring what we have. But it's like this: I think about her and our relationship all the time. She doesn't seem to do that at all. An example: Last night, we actually went on a date. I was looking forward to it all day long. When I got home from work and asked if she still wanted to go to a movie, she said, "Oh yeah! I forgot. Yes, I still want to go." She forgot. I just don't understand how you can forget about plans that you made with a person you say you love. I just feel like my emotions are one-sided.

I honestly feel like it's one step forward and three steps back for me at this point. I make progress, and then the feeling of rejection hits me like a ton of bricks. I don't know what to do. I know everyone is going to say "talk about it". But I have. From her point of view, everything's peachy, I guess. But actions speak louder than words, and I'm not feeling the love.

Did you not say she's isn't good with expressing her wants and it's been hubby that does most of that etc? I can actually relate to her. She actually sounds like me. I internalize A LOT and am not good about showing how deeply I feel for my husband, not as much as he does for me. I am a very open person but physically I forget to display how I feel. Maybe I take it for granted or maybe I'm just so exhausted from all that is going on with me (I'm dealing with possible thyroid cancer) that I forget PDAs. I'm illustrating me as this could be what type of person she is. Basically...being the one there 24/7 with her, doesn't mean she loves you less or appreciates you less or is taking you for granted, but that she feels at "home" so to speak. Forgetting a date, well, I believe on average husbands in typical mono relationships forget their wives birthday or even anniversary... Point is, if she is on hormone therapy to try to help her conceive (it sounds like they are having a hard time getting an embryo to implant in the uterus...is this why they stopped trying before?) it could be affecting her. I doubt she is intentionally forgetting dates.
 
Did you not say she's isn't good with expressing her wants and it's been hubby that does most of that etc?

Thanks for your input. I appreciate it. My biggest concern lies in the fact that she USED to do all these things, and now doesn't. Doesn't return terms of endearment anymore, doesn't cuddle anymore, etc. it's not that these things were never there. They're just not there anymore.
 
Thanks for your input. I appreciate it. My biggest concern lies in the fact that she USED to do all these things, and now doesn't. Doesn't return terms of endearment anymore, doesn't cuddle anymore, etc. it's not that these things were never there. They're just not there anymore.

As every one has said in the last few days, you need to either do the bullet point presentation of how you are feeling...the movie ticket, etc if you still want to see where this relationship could go or say good bye and move on.

I do know my second pregnancy I had to take progesterone to keep my son in me. The hormone effects were not nice in how I responded to dh. And I believe it had effects on me afterwards too (i did not want to be intimate and cuddly--the usual me was not me).

Since it was your metamour's idea for the original 3some that began this relationship, what were they wanting in that first encounter? I'm just curious if it was more for the sex part or emotional part. Had they as a couple prior to inviting you into their bedroom wanted a poly relationship with another or did it evolve from this first night experience? I ask because I think you'll find the answer to her intentions with you by answering those questions for yourself.

In all honesty, if they had not been looking for a poly relationship and it was for just sex, but some feeling evolved from being with you yet now those feelings are gone, I would accept that she had a crush and really isn't willing to admit it was not more than that. Maybe she can't admit it to either you or her husband because she doesn't want to hurt any one's feelings. There could be some thing from the husband that pushed her into a relationship with you as well, facts none of us know and maybe you don't even know, what was his ulterior motive.
 
In all honesty, if they had not been looking for a poly relationship and it was for just sex, but some feeling evolved from being with you yet now those feelings are gone, I would accept that she had a crush and really isn't willing to admit it was not more than that. Maybe she can't admit it to either you or her husband because she doesn't want to hurt any one's feelings. There could be some thing from the husband that pushed her into a relationship with you as well, facts none of us know and maybe you don't even know, what was his ulterior motive.

In the beginning it was just for sex. It was great. We had fun. That was it. I wouldn't even allow myself to feel anything for her. I knew I needed to guard my heart, because an emotional connection would have been far off limits. Three weeks into it, she tells me she has feelings for me... feelings that she never had for anyone except her husband. She would go on and on about how she never thought it was possible to love more than one person at a time. SHE was the one who opened the door to this. When I was finally allowed to let my guard down, I knew that I certainly felt something for her as well. Throughout the entire process, I was completely honest about my feelings for her... even checking with her to make sure these feelings were okay. She always assured me that yes, they were okay and also reciprocated. It was wonderful for awhile. So wonderful. She has always told me that she would tell me if her feelings for me changed. She has always promised to be honest about that. But again, I simply don't feel it. It's in the little things, you know? The glances, the smiles, the notes written just because, the hand holding, the sweet nothings. All fading away, and it breaks my heart. This is going to sound so silly... but she was the first one to use a term of endearment. She started calling me baby, and I loved it. It made me feel so special. So wanted. She hasn't used any term of endearment for me in over two months. It's such a little thing, but in the back of my mind, it always stings a little. Especially when I hear her call her husband that all the time.

I don't know what to do. They know something's up. They know I'm sad. They know I'm drinking to self-medicate. He asked me if I wanted to talk about it, but I told them I'm not ready yet. I just took a bath for over an hour, and when I got done, they were already in bed. He's leaving tomorrow, and I won't have another chance to talk to both of them. At some point, I'm going to have to talk to her about it. She knows something's up.
 
I just do not get it. You are torturing yourself behind a woman. Are you sure she knows you are miserable? Did she even ask or check on you? It seems like your metamour cares more about you than her. Especially since he was the one who asked if you wanted to talk. They should be something your girlfriend would be do. Call me crazy, but if I am going through some things, I would like for my husband to check on me and at least offer a shoulder to cry on, if needed.

In all of this threesome loving, baby calling, long-distance marriage having, baby making...at what point did it become "exclusive" or "official," or was it more unspoken? She said they were reciprocated, but did she say the words, prove it, show it, or did her actions ever match?

And another thing. Stop self-medicating. Ruining your liver is not going to help you. Getting up the courage to talk to her/them or being strong enough to end it will help you. At best, take a break from it and get some breathing room. Do you have any interests or friends outside of this couple? They went to bed, and you are what? Sitting all alone thinking about the way it used to be with her? It sounds like the makings of a sad country song. (Just saw the video for Tonight I Wanna Cry by Keith Urban.) You are miserable, unhappy, feeling unloved, and unwanted. What are you holding on to?

You have to love yourself enough to say and believe, "I deserve more," and "I am worth more than this." You do not sound like you love yourself because if you did there is no way you would be harming yourself, crying yourself to sleep at night, or running behind an unreciprocated love.
 
Are you sure she knows you are miserable? Did she even ask or check on you? It seems like your metamour cares more about you than her. Especially since he was the one who asked if you wanted to talk. They should be something your girlfriend would be do. Call me crazy, but if I am going through some things, I would like for my husband to check on me and at least offer a shoulder to cry on, if needed.

In all of this threesome loving, baby calling, long-distance marriage having, baby making...at what point did it become "exclusive" or "official," or was it more unspoken? She said they were reciprocated, but did she say the words, prove it, show it, or did her actions ever match?

And another thing. Stop self-medicating. Ruining your liver is not going to help you. Getting up the courage to talk to her/them or being strong enough to end it will help you. At best, take a break from it and get some breathing room. Do you have any interests or friends outside of this couple? They went to bed, and you are what? Sitting all alone thinking about the way it used to be with her? It sounds like the makings of a sad country song. (Just saw the video for Tonight I Wanna Cry by Keith Urban.) You are miserable, unhappy, feeling unloved, and unwanted. What are you holding on to?

You have to love yourself enough to say and believe, "I deserve more," and "I am worth more than this." You do not sound like you love yourself because if you did there is no way you would be harming yourself, crying yourself to sleep at night, or running behind an unreciprocated love.

To her credit, she did check on me. She came over and put her arm around me. When I was in the bath, she knocked on the door and asked if there was anything they could do. I had reservations about talking in that moment because I was so upset and emotional. Plus, her husband is here, and I'm still not sure if he should be present for the conversation.

In my opinion, this relationship became official when she confirmed to me that she considers me a partner. That was the moment when I let myself believe that I was just as important to her as she was to me. But you know what? Last night, when they were talking to me before my bath, he said, "We worry about you. You're one of my best friends, and you're (insert wife's name here)'s closest friend." Closest friend. What the hell does that mean? Those words burned right through me, and I think she knew it.

I know I need to stop drinking myself through this. Even though these issues have been in the back of my mind for a couple of months, it's really only gotten this bad within the past week. And honestly, this thread has opened my eyes to a lot. It's helped me to understand that at least some of my fears weren't completely unfounded. Before, I wasn't sure what I needed to do, so I was hanging on to anything that I could. Now, I think it's clear what I need to do.
 
Closest friend? Her not adding anything and just agreeing with that statement alone tells me that is all she considers you and the feelings she has for you are more on the friendship side of things. Ask her what she considers you now and refers to you as when talking to her husband about you.

All of this speculation is not going to solve anything. You need to talk to her and ask the hard questions. If you do not like her answers, break it off, go to your home/ask her to leave your home (if either applies), or get some space from her/both. You need to be able to think clearly, so sobriety is your friend. This pity party you are throwing is self-destructive. What do your friends have to say about this, or have you shut them out? You are too wrapped up in her, and that alone is unhealthy. You do not sound like you are living your life. It sounds like your world and life have stopped because she is not returning your love. What did your life look like before this woman walked in to it?

It is not like this is the only woman you will ever love for the rest of your life. I mean if you were 101 and in your final days, okay, sure. I missed your age if you posted it, but I would guess 20s or 30s? Even if she is the only woman, be grateful for the good, the bad, and the time you had with her. Somewhere in this experience there is a lesson to be learned.
 
Sigh. I was hoping that in time you would be able move past the emotional upheaval. This may be hard to hear, but I mean it kindly ok? :eek:

Merely having needs is not being needy.

Merely having feelings doesn't make you weak.

Choosing to speculate means you continue to spin a perceived reality that may or may not match your actuality.

Choosing not to communicate mean you have no data to go on to determine what IS actuality here.

It goes back to my first post, which I notice you did not answer.

How are YOU helping to make it work and communicate well when you hold back information from your poly partners? Could do your part, change your behavior and see if you feel better after.

This below?

In my opinion, this relationship became official when she confirmed to me that she considers me a partner. That was the moment when I let myself believe that I was just as important to her as she was to me. But you know what? Last night, when they were talking to me before my bath, he said, "We worry about you. You're one of my best friends, and you're (insert wife's name here)'s closest friend." Closest friend. What the hell does that mean? words burned right through me, and I think she knew it.

That is missed opportunity to say your preference to the husband

"Yes. I am a close friend. I am ALSO a lover and a GF. Please refer to me as GF."​

Rather than being assertive and clarifying how you see yourself in this polyship, you seem to be focusing on him using the "wrong word" and her not magically reading your mind that his word choice upset you. That keeps you in your upset.

You could do something to solve your upset rather than let it grow bigger by telling him how you prefer to be addressed. There. Prob solved.

Instead you say nothing. You seem to be focusing on your being "less than" -- wah! That must mean I am only a friend! type thoughts.

Rather than getting on with the show.

What if the husband is simply learning to be in polyship like you and not the greatest as expressing himself like you?

Could assume positive intent and not make mountains out of molehills. I am not devaluing what you feel here. I know you feel hurt and I'm sorry you do. :(

I am trying to lift up to you that you could be doing something different in your BEHAVIOR to alleviate your own hurt so you don't have to continue to hurt!

Yet you keep doing the same thing over and over -- holding back and leaving information about your emotional state out. This is being less than honest to your partners. This is not you looking out for you. So it isn't self respecting behavior and it isn't anything you can be proud of. So of course your self esteem takes
a ding. Could stop doing less than self respecting behavior. Do something esteemable instead.

Could focus on behavior done/not done.

  • What was their behavior? They come to check in and find out what is wrong with you.
  • What is your behavior? You do not check in.

They are reaching to communicate with you and reach understanding, and you continue to not communicate back to them. What's up with that? Are you in this relationship or not? If you don't want to be here, break up with them. If you do want to be here, play ball.

Could man up, set an appointment to really talk things out with her and then with him and then with her AND him. Or go for all at once. However you want to do it -- but DO it rather than keep avoiding it.

List what you need from each of them AND FROM YOURSELF so that you can feel safe and secure in this polyship.

Because if they do all their things, and you STILL go around in your head telling yourself that you are "less than" or that they don't really mean what they say and you cannot believe them... it is YOU who is creating your own upset.

It's your core belief that you are not deserving of good relationship that blocks you. They only one who can change that belief is you.

Which goes back to the beginning...

In the beginning it was just for sex. It was great. We had fun. That was it. I wouldn't even allow myself to feel anything for her. I knew I needed to guard my heart, because an emotional connection would have been far off limits.

Why? You don't deserve good things in relationship? Can't let yourself believe it may go well?

Three weeks into it, she tells me she has feelings for me... feelings that she never had for anyone except her husband. She would go on and on about how she never thought it was possible to love more than one person at a time. SHE was the one who opened the door to this.

Correction. You also helped open the door to emotions being stirred by participating in sex share. She was merely the first to EXPRESS her growing feelings.

When I was finally allowed to let my guard down, I knew that I certainly felt something for her as well.

Correction. You ALREADY felt something for her. If you felt nothing, there's no need to guard.

She expressed first, so you knew letting your guard down would be "ok" now because the likelihood of rejection was low. So then you allowed the walls to come down. You then allowed yourself to express.

Throughout the entire process, I was completely honest about my feelings for her... even checking with her to make sure these feelings were okay. She always assured me that yes, they were okay and also reciprocated.

You may be honest with her but you don't seem honest with yourself about how you PROCESS WHAT YOU FEEL.

Back then you felt YUMMY love feelings growing for her, and you had to "guard" against feeling that and doing anything about that until she revealed first. She risked it first so now you knew revealing your own would be received well. Plus the yummy feelings are easier to deal with.

Now you feel yucky feelings of various kinds. You continue to try to "guard" against having to feel them or do anything about them. She is telling you she is willing to hear and willing to be supportive and you do not take her up on it. Because she's not pitching first this time is she? YOU have to pitch first and on top of that -- it's YUCKY feelings.

I could be wrong. But this seems to about you and how you handle your emotional management -- appropriately or inappropriately.

I think this would be a lot easier going for you if you stopped creating side distractions like

  • drinking to bury your feelings.
  • Posting circular posts here.
  • Ignoring them when they try to find out what's wrong with you.

and get on with learning to OWN what you feel and then get on with EXPRESSING what you feel to the right people at the right time.

If you keep being a clam, you risk they will stop asking because you do not answer.

If you keep being a clam that never risks this conversation having, you will not get better/more comfortable having it.

You could PARTICIPATE in your own relationshipping.

  • If it works out, great. Your suffering has ended. You can move on together.
  • If you end up finding that you are not compatible after all and break up? Ok, a bit more suffering for "get over break up" time, but then your suffering does still end and you can move on.
  • You continuing on this way keeps it in the stuck with endless suffering.

Could not choose endless suffering for yourself!

Could play ball.

Galagirl
 
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Merely having needs is not being needy.

Merely having feelings doesn't make you weak.

Choosing to speculate means you continue to spin a perceived reality that may or may not match your actuality.

Choosing not to communicate mean you have no data to go on to determine what IS actuality here.

You could do something to solve your upset rather than let it grow bigger by telling him how you prefer to be addressed. There. Prob solved.

I am trying to lift up to you that you could be doing something different in your BEHAVIOR to alleviate your own hurt so you don't have to continue to hurt!

Yet you keep doing the same thing over and over -- holding back and leaving information about your emotional state out. This is being less than honest to your partners. This is not you looking out for you. So it isn't self respecting behavior and it isn't anything you can be proud of.

Galagirl

Hi. I've quoted some of the highlights of your post. I truly do appreciate your input, and value your opinion. I am sorry I did not respond to your previous post, as I did glean some good things from it, for sure.

I appreciate you saying that having needs doesn't make me needy. I do need to remember that from time to time.

One thing that I feel you're not hearing from me is that fact that I have communicated every single fear and insecurity to them up until this point. I've only processed this last notion (of thinking that I must love her more than she loves me) within the past three days. And the only reason I did not communicate this to them last night was because I felt it was a conversation that was best suited between her and me alone. I don't mind if he knows about it, but I would rather talk to her first. And since he was here all weekend long, I did not get a chance to do so. I don't disagree that communication on this point is an absolute necessity, and I plan on discussing it with her tonight. I feel sort of attacked and accused of not being open and honest, when I feel like that's all I've been doing. They know I'm not afraid to come to them with things. I just need to find the right way to do this... that's the main reason I've been on this thread all weekend: to gain some insight from people who know what they're doing.

You're absolutely right about my destructive behavior. There are certainly more responsible ways I could be dealing with these emotions. I'm hoping to have some answers soon.

Thanks again for your advice. I truly do appreciate it.
 
Thank you for clarifying.

One thing that I feel you're not hearing from me is that fact that I have communicated every single fear and insecurity to them up until this point.

Let me try to clarify what I mean in turn.

I see that you try sometimes. But the HOW AND WHEN you do that does not seem to serve you well. You could improve your being more assertive.

Sometimes you leave things out... or seem to want someone else to guess your need.

The glances, the smiles, the notes written just because, the hand holding, the sweet nothings. All fading away, and it breaks my heart.

If you observe these behaviors you enjoy from your GF haven't been happening often enough for you? And you feel the need for more touching, hand holding, etc?

Could you ASK GF if she's willing to do more of that? Rather than not ask? Could not leave information out about your emotional state.

Other times, you don't take it at face value.

Last night, when they were talking to me before my bath, he said, "We worry about you. You're one of my best friends, and you're (insert wife's name here)'s closest friend."

What's so horrible about what he said? You don't want to be his friend? You don't want to be her close friend? You don't want them to worry and care for you?

You seem to get caught up your own emotion that he did not recognize you in that moment as "GF" and that has a simple fix.

"Yes, I am your friend and hers. But I would like to be recognized as GF. Please refer to me that way." Assert yourself a bit more.

Closest friend. What the hell does that mean? Those words burned right through me, and I think she knew it.

Here you don't state how you prefer to be called. Then you guess that she knows you are upset rather than stating you are upset.

You missed an opportunity there to speak up assertively to clarify, AND to move it forward. Something like...

"Thank you for worrying about me. Yes, I am your best friend and metamour. Yes, I am her friend AND girlfriend. Please call me her GF, not her friend.

I am not willing or able to check with you (metamour DH friend) at this time. I want to talk to my GF alone first. I don't mind if you know about it. We could even talk all 3 later. But I would rather talk to her first, you second, all together last. Is that ok with you? I'm still gathering my thoughts. Could I check in by Friday if not sooner and let you guys know what dates are good for me to have a good talk? Then I'm not leaving you hanging. Thank you again for your concern over my well being."​

OWN it more. YKWIM? And help move it in the direction you would like it to go toward.

And the only reason I did not communicate this to them last night was because I felt it was a conversation that was best suited between her and me alone. I don't mind if he knows about it, but I would rather talk to her first. And since he was here all weekend long, I did not get a chance to do so.

I diagree that there was no chance to do so. There was an opportunity right then to share something and start the ball rolling. You didn't have to do (the whole shebang) there, but you could let them know you want to talk at some point and how you want to have it. Disclose how you would like to have that series of talks and start negotiating for times to have them in. CREATE the time.

You simply chose not to take it as opportunity to get the ball rolling.

This is what I mean about you being more assertive and looking out for your best interests more. You are not a leaf in the wind that has to wait for magical moment to arise. You can choose to CREATE them. Be the captain of your own ship more.

I must love her more than she loves me

What does she do in her behavior that is less that loving toward you? Could you list it?

Could it be she's landed from NRE lala's and you haven't? And what you perceive of as "loss" is actually merely "change?"

Galagirl
 
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My last and final update

Hello, everyone. I am devastated as I write this last post. I just broke it off with my gf. I talked with her about all of my concerns that we've all been discussing here on this thread. After an hour of talking, she finally admitted that her feelings for me have waned. Her exact words were, "I didn't really even realize it until we started talking about it".

I am beyond devastated. But in the end, I know I cannot be with someone who doesn't feel the same way.

I cannot tell you how much I appreciate each and every one of you for taking the time to walk me through this very difficult time. I am indebted to you all.
 
I am very sorry. :( Hugs.
 
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