crackedpleasures
New member
To each their own but I'd at least make sure you had that Very spelled out conversation with her. Also re having the conversation I think someone else said you could point her to this thread. You totally could!
To each their own but I'd at least make sure you had that Very spelled out conversation with her. Also re having the conversation I think someone else said you could point her to this thread. You totally could!
Why would break it off with him there? You're not his girlfriend - correct? - so, you wouldn't be breaking up with him. She's the one you're involved with, talk to her alone.You seem to know what you're talking about. I'll plan on talking with her. In the case that I break it off, would you recommend that I do that with only her, or with both of them present?
It would be nice if you could make a respectful clean break.
What’s more, is they are actively trying to have a baby. I just recently found this out, and it didn’t feel good for me. (Yes, this makes me feel like a horrible person.) First off, I’ve never wanted kids. Secondly, all I can think about is how he can make a baby for her, and build a family, and have an intimacy that I can never be a part of. Also, I wasn’t aware that they had decided to start trying again. Part of me feels like it’s none of my business, but then part of me feels like she should have talked to me about it.
Now, for the not so good feels. Here is the stuff that cuts me to the bone. I've had time to reflect, and I think it comes down to this: I fear that I love her more than she loves me. That's the easiest way to put it. Now, let me explain:
Because of my partner's job situation, she spends most of the week with me. Her husband lives three hours away, and is in the process of finding a job. They see each other every weekend: either she goes there, or he comes here and we all three spend the weekend together. I completely understand that she would miss him terribly when they're not together. I totally get that. But they are both so miserable right now, that I feel like there's nothing I can do to help pull her out of the slump. Instead of enjoying the time we have together, she's sad because she misses him, or because of the pregnancy issues, etc. We haven't been having sex nearly as often as we used to. And yes, we've talked about it. Because of some medications, etc, her sex drive isn't as high as it used to be. I believe that, and I'm okay with it. But it's really difficult for me to go 2-3 weeks without sexual intimacy with her, but yet know they're having sex every single time they see each other, because she wants to get pregnant. And when he visits here for the weekend, they're in the next room making love while I'm crying myself to sleep.
And it's not just sex, either. We had a wonderfully strong emotional connection for the first few months of our relationship. I'm sad to say I continue to feel that connection fading as time goes by... not from me, but from her. I know that NRE is definitely an issue here, but I feel just as strongly as I ever have, and I honestly get the feeling she doesn't. I know the only way to know is to ask, so I have. I ask all the time. She continually tells me that she loves the way things are going, that she's still attracted to me, that she wants to continue exploring what we have. But it's like this: I think about her and our relationship all the time. She doesn't seem to do that at all. An example: Last night, we actually went on a date. I was looking forward to it all day long. When I got home from work and asked if she still wanted to go to a movie, she said, "Oh yeah! I forgot. Yes, I still want to go." She forgot. I just don't understand how you can forget about plans that you made with a person you say you love. I just feel like my emotions are one-sided.
I honestly feel like it's one step forward and three steps back for me at this point. I make progress, and then the feeling of rejection hits me like a ton of bricks. I don't know what to do. I know everyone is going to say "talk about it". But I have. From her point of view, everything's peachy, I guess. But actions speak louder than words, and I'm not feeling the love.
Did you not say she's isn't good with expressing her wants and it's been hubby that does most of that etc?
Thanks for your input. I appreciate it. My biggest concern lies in the fact that she USED to do all these things, and now doesn't. Doesn't return terms of endearment anymore, doesn't cuddle anymore, etc. it's not that these things were never there. They're just not there anymore.
In all honesty, if they had not been looking for a poly relationship and it was for just sex, but some feeling evolved from being with you yet now those feelings are gone, I would accept that she had a crush and really isn't willing to admit it was not more than that. Maybe she can't admit it to either you or her husband because she doesn't want to hurt any one's feelings. There could be some thing from the husband that pushed her into a relationship with you as well, facts none of us know and maybe you don't even know, what was his ulterior motive.
Are you sure she knows you are miserable? Did she even ask or check on you? It seems like your metamour cares more about you than her. Especially since he was the one who asked if you wanted to talk. They should be something your girlfriend would be do. Call me crazy, but if I am going through some things, I would like for my husband to check on me and at least offer a shoulder to cry on, if needed.
In all of this threesome loving, baby calling, long-distance marriage having, baby making...at what point did it become "exclusive" or "official," or was it more unspoken? She said they were reciprocated, but did she say the words, prove it, show it, or did her actions ever match?
And another thing. Stop self-medicating. Ruining your liver is not going to help you. Getting up the courage to talk to her/them or being strong enough to end it will help you. At best, take a break from it and get some breathing room. Do you have any interests or friends outside of this couple? They went to bed, and you are what? Sitting all alone thinking about the way it used to be with her? It sounds like the makings of a sad country song. (Just saw the video for Tonight I Wanna Cry by Keith Urban.) You are miserable, unhappy, feeling unloved, and unwanted. What are you holding on to?
You have to love yourself enough to say and believe, "I deserve more," and "I am worth more than this." You do not sound like you love yourself because if you did there is no way you would be harming yourself, crying yourself to sleep at night, or running behind an unreciprocated love.
How are YOU helping to make it work and communicate well when you hold back information from your poly partners? Could do your part, change your behavior and see if you feel better after.
In my opinion, this relationship became official when she confirmed to me that she considers me a partner. That was the moment when I let myself believe that I was just as important to her as she was to me. But you know what? Last night, when they were talking to me before my bath, he said, "We worry about you. You're one of my best friends, and you're (insert wife's name here)'s closest friend." Closest friend. What the hell does that mean? words burned right through me, and I think she knew it.
In the beginning it was just for sex. It was great. We had fun. That was it. I wouldn't even allow myself to feel anything for her. I knew I needed to guard my heart, because an emotional connection would have been far off limits.
Three weeks into it, she tells me she has feelings for me... feelings that she never had for anyone except her husband. She would go on and on about how she never thought it was possible to love more than one person at a time. SHE was the one who opened the door to this.
When I was finally allowed to let my guard down, I knew that I certainly felt something for her as well.
Throughout the entire process, I was completely honest about my feelings for her... even checking with her to make sure these feelings were okay. She always assured me that yes, they were okay and also reciprocated.
Merely having needs is not being needy.
Merely having feelings doesn't make you weak.
Choosing to speculate means you continue to spin a perceived reality that may or may not match your actuality.
Choosing not to communicate mean you have no data to go on to determine what IS actuality here.
You could do something to solve your upset rather than let it grow bigger by telling him how you prefer to be addressed. There. Prob solved.
I am trying to lift up to you that you could be doing something different in your BEHAVIOR to alleviate your own hurt so you don't have to continue to hurt!
Yet you keep doing the same thing over and over -- holding back and leaving information about your emotional state out. This is being less than honest to your partners. This is not you looking out for you. So it isn't self respecting behavior and it isn't anything you can be proud of.
Galagirl
One thing that I feel you're not hearing from me is that fact that I have communicated every single fear and insecurity to them up until this point.
The glances, the smiles, the notes written just because, the hand holding, the sweet nothings. All fading away, and it breaks my heart.
Last night, when they were talking to me before my bath, he said, "We worry about you. You're one of my best friends, and you're (insert wife's name here)'s closest friend."
Closest friend. What the hell does that mean? Those words burned right through me, and I think she knew it.
And the only reason I did not communicate this to them last night was because I felt it was a conversation that was best suited between her and me alone. I don't mind if he knows about it, but I would rather talk to her first. And since he was here all weekend long, I did not get a chance to do so.
I must love her more than she loves me