LDR Advice

Northerner

New member
I have recently met a married poly lady on a dating site (Dale) and we have started developing a LDR - she lives several hours away. After a couple of weeks of text, email and phone calls we ( Me, Dale, & her husband Roy) have decided to meet and get to know each other better. All of my previous LDRs started as local then continued after a move. Negotiating a new relationship over a long distance is a new experience. I am hoping that those of you who have done this before may have some words of wisdom to share.
 
What is the point of dragging her husband along on the first date?

That is rather unusual. I hope your date is centered around you and Dale, and Roy is only there for a few minutes, if at all. You're not dating him.

I personally find the idea of meeting both my dating interest, and their OSO as well, on a first date. It smacks of couple-centrism.

Why was this suggested?
 
I just plain wouldn't do it, personally. But it all depends what you want from the relationship.

I don't find that LDR meet my needs, and if you're just trying to build something while long distance? The NRE can be almost painful when the object of your affections is not available to you.

LDRs are so hard as it is; why start one when there isn't already an investment?
 
Hi Northerner,

You've had LDRs before, so you have some idea of what they are like, and what's needed to maintain them in good condition. Probably the most important thing is communication with Dale. If you can, skype with her on a regular basis. Or at least do a phone call. You need that sense of connection, otherwise you start feeling isolated from each other, and the relationship decays. And of course see each other in person as often as you reasonably can. You have experience with LDRs so that will help, LDRs may be relatively new for Dale and so she may need some extra support.

Those are my thoughts for now ...
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Do you have previous experience with poly?

Are you also pursuing local relationships?
 
How have your other LDRs worked? Do you feel you need to have a plan for meeting often / ending the LDR in the middle/long term or are you comfortable with an ongoing LDR?

A lot depends on what you want out of the relationship. If you're happy for it to be the pace and shape and distance it is, then it should be fine. As much in person contact as possible is good, obviously. For me, I like to factor in some domestic time with a long-distance partner so it's not all holiday mode when we meet. So, grocery shopping, cooking at home, doing separate things in the same house. To me, that's luxurious time together. But if it's more a FWB thing, you can just meet for the sex :)

I second Mags re Roy being there on the first date. Hope you get some decent one-on-one time with Dale!
 
I have recently met a married poly lady .... we ( Me, Dale, & her husband Roy) have decided to meet and get to know each other better.
I'd clarify just how much poly experience (or sensibilities) she has because this does sound more like a couple-centric, swinger approach. All of the long term, successful, healthy poly couples that I know do not vet each other's potential lovers. There's a lot more trust and emotional independence than this. Actually, even the healthy, long term swinging couples that I know do not "clear" or check out the potential lovers of their partner like this. It sounds like you're perhaps going along with what "they" have asked of you, but I'd clarify who is doing the asking and what the question is. Why is Roy gonna be there - exactly?
 
What is the point of dragging her husband along on the first date?

That is rather unusual. I hope your date is centered around you and Dale, and Roy is only there for a few minutes, if at all. You're not dating him.

I personally find the idea of meeting both my dating interest, and their OSO as well, on a first date. It smacks of couple-centrism.

Why was this suggested?

Hi Magdlyn,

It didn't even occur to me to question that suggestion. My first poly relationship, back in the 70s was a Vee where the three of us did everything together, I would have to rate it as my most successful poly relationship to date even though none of us had a clue what we were doing.

Dale says that she wants a relationship where Roy and I could be friends too and I'm comfortable exploring that possibility.

Northerner
 
I just plain wouldn't do it, personally. But it all depends what you want from the relationship.

I don't find that LDR meet my needs, and if you're just trying to build something while long distance? The NRE can be almost painful when the object of your affections is not available to you.

LDRs are so hard as it is; why start one when there isn't already an investment?

Hi Vicki,

I am a loner. I like people, but only in small doses :) For that reason I find that an LDR is perfect. Even when Tilly and I live together, we can go a week or even two without seeing each other (mostly due to conflicting work schedules). In another life I'd have been a hermit living in the woods, this allows me to find a more moderate middle ground.

Northerner
 
Hi Northerner,

You've had LDRs before, so you have some idea of what they are like, and what's needed to maintain them in good condition. Probably the most important thing is communication with Dale. If you can, skype with her on a regular basis. Or at least do a phone call. You need that sense of connection, otherwise you start feeling isolated from each other, and the relationship decays. And of course see each other in person as often as you reasonably can. You have experience with LDRs so that will help, LDRs may be relatively new for Dale and so she may need some extra support.

Those are my thoughts for now ...
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

Hi Kevin,

We have been using the phone a lot, and joking about acting like 13 year olds with NRE (i.e. talking on the phone for hours). We want to try Skype but I haven't had a lot of luck with Skype over satellite internet - she lives in a remote location.

Although Dale's poly experience started in an urban setting she has quite a bit of experience with LDR from her current location. In fact she has admitted that it has been a problem, but it sounds like it's mostly because previous partners needed more physical time with her than I might.

Northerner
 
Do you have previous experience with poly?

Are you also pursuing local relationships?

Hi Meera,

Yes, I have always recognized that I am poly, though I didn't have a name for it. I had few a successful relationships many years ago, then I tried mono for quite a few years but have returned to accepting my true nature. I am open to a local relationship but not actively pursuing one while I get to know Dale. Who knows? I could meet somebody interesting tomorrow.

Northerner
 
How have your other LDRs worked? Do you feel you need to have a plan for meeting often / ending the LDR in the middle/long term or are you comfortable with an ongoing LDR?

A lot depends on what you want out of the relationship. If you're happy for it to be the pace and shape and distance it is, then it should be fine. As much in person contact as possible is good, obviously. For me, I like to factor in some domestic time with a long-distance partner so it's not all holiday mode when we meet. So, grocery shopping, cooking at home, doing separate things in the same house. To me, that's luxurious time together. But if it's more a FWB thing, you can just meet for the sex :)

I second Mags re Roy being there on the first date. Hope you get some decent one-on-one time with Dale!

Hi fuchka,

I am comfortable with an ongoing LDR, that is exactly what Dale and I have been discussing. You have a good point about the domestic time and if this works out I will try to factor that in to my planning. I hope this will be a lot more than just a FWB relationship, if it was just about sex I would definitely be looking local only.

I am taking the warnings about Roy's presence to heart and will discuss it with Dale.

Northerner
 
I'd clarify just how much poly experience (or sensibilities) she has because this does sound more like a couple-centric, swinger approach. All of the long term, successful, healthy poly couples that I know do not vet each other's potential lovers. There's a lot more trust and emotional independence than this. Actually, even the healthy, long term swinging couples that I know do not "clear" or check out the potential lovers of their partner like this. It sounds like you're perhaps going along with what "they" have asked of you, but I'd clarify who is doing the asking and what the question is. Why is Roy gonna be there - exactly?

Hi Angelina,

Dale and Roy are not swingers, and have had bad experiences with nominally poly people who turned out to really be swingers - i.e. folks who were "just here for the sex." As noted above, I'm going to explore this with Dale.

Northerner
 
Thanks for coming back and responding to everyone.

If they live several hours away, are you planning on staying overnight, or maybe even for a weekend? If so, get a hotel room.

Then it would seem to make more sense to have your one on one date with Dale first, soon after you arrive. After all, maybe there won't be a spark. If there isn't, meeting Roy would be pointless.

And having Roy there might prevent a spark from catching into a small cute fire, I'd think.

But if the date goes well, and you're staying overnight, maybe you could meet Roy in the morning for breakfast with Dale. Or a mid morning coffee. Just a quick one hour meetup is fine, if they insist. This first meetup should really be all about you and Dale. If you wanted a new platonic "friend," you could make a local friend.

It can take months to get to know a new lover and see if there's something real there. Why complicate it with befriending their SO right off the bat? Then, if you and Dale don't work out, but you and Roy do like each other, you'd probably lose a lover and a friend at the same time. Double whammy.
 
The weekend went really well. Dale and Roy picked me up at the airport and we went for lunch. We did a few things as a trio so Roy and I could get to know each other a bit, but he also left Dale and me alone so we got some one on one time. I never felt "chaperoned" when we were all together, Roy is obviously quite comfortable with Dale being poly. Dale and I are deliberately taking it slow, getting to know each other, but the truth is we are both very excited about the potential we see in this relationship.

I brought Tilly up to date on the weekend too. While she still expresses acceptance of all of his, I think she still feels a little concerned that Dale might try to ditch Roy and run off with me. Unfortunately she has a lot of previous experience (before me) to support this view. I will be seeing her in a couple of weeks and my main objective will be to reassure her that regardless of what Dale wants, Tilly is stuck with me.
 
Would you consider starting a blog? I'm already hooked on your writing :D
 
Would you consider starting a blog? I'm already hooked on your writing :D

Thank you Evie, I'll give that some thought.

Northerner
 
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