RunBabyRun
New member
I started keeping a blog prior to becoming a member of this site because I want to record the journey and remember it as it was, not worse or better. I also need and want advice and chastening when I spin off into left field. It is my hope that my husband, IDRider47, will read this blog and that it will help with our journey, bringing comfort and security when things get rough. Talking through things together is really helpful but to be able to go back and see things in writing will, I hope, add value to our face to face communication.
I’ll post these dated ones in one post and then add to it later.
6.6.2011
noon
Day 10
First some background. I’m an almost 40 year old heterosexual female who has been doing some extensive research on the origin of human sexuality. A few of my favorite books are “Sex at Dawn” and “The Myth of Monogamy”. Ethnographic research shows that monogamy is not a universal human trait and that culture is a powerful influencer of the expression of our sexuality. Autonomy and gender egalitarianism are both values of mine.
I am convinced that humans are not biologically designed as a monogamous species and that we have the capacity to love and sexually experience more than one person at a time. Polyamory makes perfect sense to me.
My husband, IDrider47 (Rider, henceforth), and I have been married for 20 years and have 2 teenagers. We’ve had our ups and downs but we are in a really good place. He’s an amazing human being and an extraordinary lover. We are well matched in most areas but I am more outdoorsy and physically active and I have interests that gross him out (forensic/biology stuff). I met someone at college who is active and is also shares my gross interests. I am attracted to him and I think he is attracted to me but I have not given him any indication of my attraction.
A little over a week ago I opened up a conversation with my husband about an open marriage. We’ve talked for hours and hours and hours and he was open to it and we even had conversations about logistics, his curiosities and my needs. He says he doesn’t need an open marriage but it would give him the opportunity for variety that monogamy doesn’t provide. The benefit for me would be that I’d get to express lust for someone who is physically active and that I’d have someone to run, hike, etc. with and who I could tell all the dissection and death stories I wanted to without feeling like a weirdo.
So far, so good. (And let me say that the sex has been amazing this past week!) I can’t remember the last time I felt so close to him. The problem is that every day that we get closer to actually talking to other people and trying to find someone, the more the excitement and rational thoughts fade and the more the scary negative thoughts take over.
I have someone in mind but he doesn’t so it’ll take longer for him to find someone but we want to try to sync the timing up so that one of us isn’t left alone thinking about the other person getting fucked by someone else.
A few days ago my husband told me he created a profile on a poly dating site and sent a message to a local woman. The message was no big deal, really just a statement about how scary this is and how her picture was a nice one. He didn’t even expect a response. Nevertheless, I felt like throwing up because it made me so uneasy. I did look at her picture. It was a very challenging day for me but I processed and we talked it through. I rely a lot on my research and logical thinking and was able to rationalize it. There was no drama, tears or anything, it was just that I had to choose not to react in fear. We had a great day together.
As the days go on though I just feel sadness. I’m insecure and scared and last night I had a total meltdown. My rational mind says that this is perfectly natural and legitimate and that we are in a stable relationship. I hate jealousy because it indicates a sense of ownership. I do not own him and if he truly loves me, he will stay. Blah, blah, blah.... I know all this but now I am so afraid to lose him. I no longer think about the guy I was originally attracted to in an exciting way. I’m just not interested anymore.
But now, I’ve given my husband the idea of an open marriage and the possibilities and I feel like a total selfish monster for pulling back. He and I had come to the same thoughts that this isn’t right for us now but I feel like maybe he feels a bit cheated. He says he doesn’t but that novelty can only come with others (true).
I want autonomy. I want to be able to let go of him too and be secure but all I can do is cry. This sucks! But I want to grow as a person and I truly want him to be able to experience things he can’t with me. Please help with any advice you may have. I read Freetime’s thread today and it’s helpful to know that other newbies are feeling powerful emotions and have fears that this could ruin their marriages.
I asked my husband to take down the dating profile he had set up and, god love him, he pulled his computer out right there and deleted it. I didn’t mean right that exact minute but it demonstrates how committed he is to my comfort. I’m crying again as I write this because I am a bit ashamed, I wish I had let that desire simmer a bit because as insecure as I’m feeling I really do not want to be ruled by fear and I really do trust him. Arg!!! Today I am emotional but willing to just sit in it and try to go through it and not around it. Have I mentioned that this sucks?
Bottom line: talking about it in the abstract is exciting but as faces and names become attached I feel worse and worse. Abstract- good; specifics/actual- bad.
6.7.2011
8:35 AM
Day 11
It’s amazing what a few hours can bring. I’m back to considering this thing but going really slow. Talked to Rider and although he’s suffering from a bit of whiplash I think we will probably both put a profile on the poly dating site so we can chat with other polys and go from there. I just don’t want to be the person I was last night. I want to be secure and fearless and live with open arms.
6.8.2011
1:54PM
Day 12
We talked some more last night and I told Rider all the things I mentioned above. He said he was surprised by my strong flip. We decided that for now we are not looking for new relationships. We are just learning and looking for some poly friends who we can chat with and ask questions of. We both agree that mono friends may have strong negative reactions to this inquiry and possible lifestyle so for now we want to keep it to ourselves.
We are going to both create profiles on a poly dating site but we are only looking for friends. We mainly want to be able to live chat with people. We have agreed that the conversations cannot be of a dating nature and no sex talk (other than informational), i.e. no sex talk meant to arouse the receiver. We will be in the chat room together many times. No secrets. We are taking baby steps.
If we ever do this I want it to be done because we are as ready as we can be, not because we got sucked into something we can’t handle in the heat of all the excitement. This is especially a danger for me and I don’t want to have any regrets (well, that’s not possible so let me restate that, I want to have as few regrets as possible). We also agreed that we would sit on any decision for at least 24 hours to make sure it’s what we really want before making a change. This whole thing is a roller coaster and my meltdown the other night shows that my emotions can scream one thing while my rational brain whispers another. I don’t want to make and unmake decisions in a reactionary fashion.
I did ask Rider to stop wearing his wedding ring because for me it is a symbol of ownership and I want to see him as autonomous. It will also give him the opportunity to be approached by women and flirted with more than if he had it on. My ring doesn’t look like a wedding ring and people often don’t know I’m married until I mention my husband. We have children so we don’t want them to be alarmed. I am still wearing my ring (and probably always will since I am a jewelry person and my husband isn’t). It’s logical and doesn’t raise too many eyebrows. Today was his first day of not wearing it. I’ve got to say, I’m a little turned on by that (don’t know why-silly really).
6.9.2011
Day 13
I am so relieved that Rider suggested we slow down and take baby steps. I don’t feel any pressure and I’m able to just enjoy the good vibes my husband is throwing my way. It’s bliss and I can really appreciate him for who he is and how much he loves me. So, feeling great today.
I realize that I’m going to have to stretch myself and allow discomfort so I’m wondering what the next step is. I think it’s doing the dating profiles and having conversations with others that Rider and I aren’t necessarily privy to. We will each have to trust the other to abide by the rules, which I am truly not concerned about. Rider is the most solid person I know. I absolutely trust that he will abide by our agreement; nevertheless, he will be establishing friendships with women other than me and vice versa. That’s more than thinking someone looks nice from their picture! I’m ready for the new challenge though (haha, famous last words as I’m learning from all the other newbie posters).
I’ll post these dated ones in one post and then add to it later.
6.6.2011
noon
Day 10
First some background. I’m an almost 40 year old heterosexual female who has been doing some extensive research on the origin of human sexuality. A few of my favorite books are “Sex at Dawn” and “The Myth of Monogamy”. Ethnographic research shows that monogamy is not a universal human trait and that culture is a powerful influencer of the expression of our sexuality. Autonomy and gender egalitarianism are both values of mine.
I am convinced that humans are not biologically designed as a monogamous species and that we have the capacity to love and sexually experience more than one person at a time. Polyamory makes perfect sense to me.
My husband, IDrider47 (Rider, henceforth), and I have been married for 20 years and have 2 teenagers. We’ve had our ups and downs but we are in a really good place. He’s an amazing human being and an extraordinary lover. We are well matched in most areas but I am more outdoorsy and physically active and I have interests that gross him out (forensic/biology stuff). I met someone at college who is active and is also shares my gross interests. I am attracted to him and I think he is attracted to me but I have not given him any indication of my attraction.
A little over a week ago I opened up a conversation with my husband about an open marriage. We’ve talked for hours and hours and hours and he was open to it and we even had conversations about logistics, his curiosities and my needs. He says he doesn’t need an open marriage but it would give him the opportunity for variety that monogamy doesn’t provide. The benefit for me would be that I’d get to express lust for someone who is physically active and that I’d have someone to run, hike, etc. with and who I could tell all the dissection and death stories I wanted to without feeling like a weirdo.
So far, so good. (And let me say that the sex has been amazing this past week!) I can’t remember the last time I felt so close to him. The problem is that every day that we get closer to actually talking to other people and trying to find someone, the more the excitement and rational thoughts fade and the more the scary negative thoughts take over.
I have someone in mind but he doesn’t so it’ll take longer for him to find someone but we want to try to sync the timing up so that one of us isn’t left alone thinking about the other person getting fucked by someone else.
A few days ago my husband told me he created a profile on a poly dating site and sent a message to a local woman. The message was no big deal, really just a statement about how scary this is and how her picture was a nice one. He didn’t even expect a response. Nevertheless, I felt like throwing up because it made me so uneasy. I did look at her picture. It was a very challenging day for me but I processed and we talked it through. I rely a lot on my research and logical thinking and was able to rationalize it. There was no drama, tears or anything, it was just that I had to choose not to react in fear. We had a great day together.
As the days go on though I just feel sadness. I’m insecure and scared and last night I had a total meltdown. My rational mind says that this is perfectly natural and legitimate and that we are in a stable relationship. I hate jealousy because it indicates a sense of ownership. I do not own him and if he truly loves me, he will stay. Blah, blah, blah.... I know all this but now I am so afraid to lose him. I no longer think about the guy I was originally attracted to in an exciting way. I’m just not interested anymore.
But now, I’ve given my husband the idea of an open marriage and the possibilities and I feel like a total selfish monster for pulling back. He and I had come to the same thoughts that this isn’t right for us now but I feel like maybe he feels a bit cheated. He says he doesn’t but that novelty can only come with others (true).
I want autonomy. I want to be able to let go of him too and be secure but all I can do is cry. This sucks! But I want to grow as a person and I truly want him to be able to experience things he can’t with me. Please help with any advice you may have. I read Freetime’s thread today and it’s helpful to know that other newbies are feeling powerful emotions and have fears that this could ruin their marriages.
I asked my husband to take down the dating profile he had set up and, god love him, he pulled his computer out right there and deleted it. I didn’t mean right that exact minute but it demonstrates how committed he is to my comfort. I’m crying again as I write this because I am a bit ashamed, I wish I had let that desire simmer a bit because as insecure as I’m feeling I really do not want to be ruled by fear and I really do trust him. Arg!!! Today I am emotional but willing to just sit in it and try to go through it and not around it. Have I mentioned that this sucks?
Bottom line: talking about it in the abstract is exciting but as faces and names become attached I feel worse and worse. Abstract- good; specifics/actual- bad.
6.7.2011
8:35 AM
Day 11
It’s amazing what a few hours can bring. I’m back to considering this thing but going really slow. Talked to Rider and although he’s suffering from a bit of whiplash I think we will probably both put a profile on the poly dating site so we can chat with other polys and go from there. I just don’t want to be the person I was last night. I want to be secure and fearless and live with open arms.
6.8.2011
1:54PM
Day 12
We talked some more last night and I told Rider all the things I mentioned above. He said he was surprised by my strong flip. We decided that for now we are not looking for new relationships. We are just learning and looking for some poly friends who we can chat with and ask questions of. We both agree that mono friends may have strong negative reactions to this inquiry and possible lifestyle so for now we want to keep it to ourselves.
We are going to both create profiles on a poly dating site but we are only looking for friends. We mainly want to be able to live chat with people. We have agreed that the conversations cannot be of a dating nature and no sex talk (other than informational), i.e. no sex talk meant to arouse the receiver. We will be in the chat room together many times. No secrets. We are taking baby steps.
If we ever do this I want it to be done because we are as ready as we can be, not because we got sucked into something we can’t handle in the heat of all the excitement. This is especially a danger for me and I don’t want to have any regrets (well, that’s not possible so let me restate that, I want to have as few regrets as possible). We also agreed that we would sit on any decision for at least 24 hours to make sure it’s what we really want before making a change. This whole thing is a roller coaster and my meltdown the other night shows that my emotions can scream one thing while my rational brain whispers another. I don’t want to make and unmake decisions in a reactionary fashion.
I did ask Rider to stop wearing his wedding ring because for me it is a symbol of ownership and I want to see him as autonomous. It will also give him the opportunity to be approached by women and flirted with more than if he had it on. My ring doesn’t look like a wedding ring and people often don’t know I’m married until I mention my husband. We have children so we don’t want them to be alarmed. I am still wearing my ring (and probably always will since I am a jewelry person and my husband isn’t). It’s logical and doesn’t raise too many eyebrows. Today was his first day of not wearing it. I’ve got to say, I’m a little turned on by that (don’t know why-silly really).
6.9.2011
Day 13
I am so relieved that Rider suggested we slow down and take baby steps. I don’t feel any pressure and I’m able to just enjoy the good vibes my husband is throwing my way. It’s bliss and I can really appreciate him for who he is and how much he loves me. So, feeling great today.
I realize that I’m going to have to stretch myself and allow discomfort so I’m wondering what the next step is. I think it’s doing the dating profiles and having conversations with others that Rider and I aren’t necessarily privy to. We will each have to trust the other to abide by the rules, which I am truly not concerned about. Rider is the most solid person I know. I absolutely trust that he will abide by our agreement; nevertheless, he will be establishing friendships with women other than me and vice versa. That’s more than thinking someone looks nice from their picture! I’m ready for the new challenge though (haha, famous last words as I’m learning from all the other newbie posters).