Last week, we decided to take a month long hiatus from counselling. This is the first week without it. I can see the positives from not going. We are left to our devices for one thing, and we have to rely upon what we have taken from the previous two months worth of couch time. I am finding that full disclosure and saying precisely what I think and feel are proving to be more effective than slight omissions. I have many old habits to break, a list of lessons to learn, and overall a ways to go. We have scheduled the six initial consultations. Our flight is due to arrive in Mel, Vic. around 7 that Sunday night, so we have consultations set for Sunday and a couple on Monday. The rest of the time will be ours to do as we please. We are not allowing ourselves to slip into that frame of mind that tricks people into thinking, "They got this," like George Lopez. We know that we still need help, and that third [professional] party was more helpful than I cared to admit. It is important for us to continue growing and learning from our mistakes.
Last night, Si came over. Matt and Si were finally face-to-face--outside of a professional capacity--after two months of hostility and volatile behaviour. I was there to mediate, but they handled it well. I am proud of them for conducting themselves in such a classy and grown-up manner. I would imagine that it was hard to face one another. She came over around 7ish. The conversation lasted about three and half hours. She ate dinner with us last night, too. Unscripted moment? Yes. My daughter asked if she could stay. All eyes shifted to Matt, and he said sure. By the end of the night, they had hashed out all of their issues, agreed to seek counselling, and there is a high likelihood of Si moving. I am not sure if she will be moving in with us as previously planned, but she does want to move. We agreed to let everything settle for a few days. Discussions will resume Sunday night, when she comes over for family dinner. The original date was tomorrow, but Matt has plans that he cannot get out of at the last minute. I called her this morning and asked if she minded changing to Sunday. Fortunately, it was no problem.
We have work to do, but I think if we can set aside our differences, remember our children are the priority, figure out how to work with one another like a well oiled machine, and stay on the same page, I am sure it will be easier than the past couple of months.
Yes, LMBL, he was not heard for years, and I have apologised for that. I know I dismissed and sometimes downplayed his concerns all too many times. I can remember him coming to me and even flat out saying what he needed. I dismissed it like he was just imagining things, and he needed to loosen up. That was incredibly wrong of me. I cannot say I did everything to please Si, but I will say that I did get complacent in my marriage. I let my marriage's needs suffer, and it has come back on me ten fold. I did go behind his back and attempt to make other plans outside of the ones that had been in place for a year. At that point, we had already secured new jobs, purchased a home, and the renovations had been going on for months. I see why he was pissed off. Everything was set to go, and my selfishness almost stopped something that was always for the benefit of our family.
I would bat my eyelashes, say things along the lines of, "It would mean the world to me," and argue with him until the point that he would relent and just give up, so I could have my way. He fought with me as long as he had the energy, so it was not like he was rolling over and playing dead. Some would call that passive aggressive. That is not what it was. Matt was exhausted and worn out to the point where he had nothing left to give.
She was aware, and she was part of the plans. This is why he viewed her as a co-conspirator and a huge reason why he felt undermined. She apologised for her part in all of this. Admittedly, I have different standards for the two of them. That became apparent when I insisted that he see a specialist in Parental Alienation. Matt's words and I quote, "I had to be analysed by a dipstick and told that I'm psychologically abusing my kids by refusing to let them see makeshift mummy, and she abandons them for weeks and gets off with a slap on a wrist. That's bullshit, and you know it." I forgave her for that indiscretion and gave him grief for trying to protect our children. Our therapist coined it as me "protecting" and "shielding" Matt from Si's behaviour.
It was easier for him to take his anger out on her. I caught some of it, but it was nothing like what was directed towards her. Instead of fighting with me, he just wanted out. He was willing to continue going on with this fight with her as long as time would allow it.
When he told me not to end my relationship with her, it was not because he cared so much. It was because he knew that he had a plan to get out of it was needed, and she was his "visible replacement," so it was not like I would have been alone. As you stated, he probably did feel like I was choosing her over and over again and did not value him, so he made a way to exit the stage and leave the role open for someone else to fill. That humbled the fuck out of me when he asked me for a divorce. I vowed to right every wrong.