New to this and dealing with jealousy

KatTails

New member
Hello - my name is Kat and my husband and I are new to polyamory.

It hasn't been an easy year - here is how we got into polyamory.

My husband and I have been married for 14 years, together for 19. A few years ago - we got into mild swinging. We both enjoyed it and had no jealous feelings. Last April, a married woman he works with came on to him. He immediately told me and we talked about it alot. He was a little curious and interested. I felt safe because she was married, had children and I knew that he was committed to me fully. I reluctantly gave him permission to have sex with her. The reluctance came from the fact that they worked together and I was afraid of where this might lead. We all thought at the time that it would be one or two times.

Well a few months later - they fell in love - fast and hard. I had an extremely hard time when he told me, and we have had many, many months of ups and downs - all because of my struggling to accept this. He loves me, is committed to me and our family and in no way wants to leave me. He has made that perfectly clear to me and to the girlfriend. I do not have any doubts about this. We have always been honest with each other and that hasn't changed. He always tells me when he is going out with her (in fact they are on an overnight date tonight.) He has been extremely patient, understanding, comforting and has taken things slowly. Due to family, work and personal obligations, they do not get to see each other that often, maybe once a week, and at work.

Her and I have tried to become friends or at least friendly with each other. Sometime it works, sometimes it doesn't. She is a very nice person - but resentments do come up. The situation between her and her husband has changed somewhat in the last year. He knows she is in love with someone else, but does not want to know any details. They are staying married because of their children. On two occasions, the three of us had sex - which I arranged it each time. Then days later, I would have a meltdown. I love seeing my husband have sex with another woman, it's just really hard to see him having sex with someone he loves.

At times I don't think that I can handle this - that it is too painful. At other times, like today, I am perfectly ok with it. We are both seeing a counselor and trying to work through this. Divorce is not an option. We are fully committed to each other, our family and to trying to make this work.

I just don't know how to ease the jealousy, fear, envy, insecurity and anger that I feel. Sometimes it is overwhelming. We have never fought as much as we have this past year - but at the same time, this has also brought us much closer together and has made us realize how in love we are.

I just started reading Opening Up by Tristan Taormino and I also have Jenny Block's Open. Any other suggestions for learning to accept that this is what my husband needs in his life. I am free to find someone as well, I just haven't - yet.

I am very sorry that this is so long - I hope that I explained this well enough. If not, I am happy to clear anything up.

Sorry again - and thank you.

Kat
 
HI Kat, I don't have any big suggestions for you, I'm pretty new at this too and I'm sure more experienced people here will have some good insights!

I do have a question.... do you have any desire to have a girlfriend or boyfriend, in addition to the relationship with your husband? You mentioned a threesome but not seeing anyone on your own.
 
I would suggest figuring out the cause of the jeaslousy. What do you feel/think you are losing when they are together and are you actually loosing it or just afraid of losing it? Is there a pattern to when you have these meltdowns? Is it when they are out together and you are home alone? Is it whenever she is brought up in conversation? Try to narrow it down and find out ways to work on that.

Good luck. :)
 
I just don't know how to ease the jealousy, fear, envy, insecurity and anger that I feel. Sometimes it is overwhelming.

Hi Kat,

Well - don't fret. Pretty normal (at first). Al least you have gotten past the sex roadblock via your swinging and with this new person. For some that's a major hurdle to clear.

How to "ease" these feelings is by truly understanding them. A big part of "understanding" is realizing that we were "taught" otherwise. It's all part of the big story we were told about "love" - particularly romantic (if you like that term).

But love is love. We have an abundance of it and the more we give away the more it multiplies and comes back to us.

But look at the interesting part - at how easily you embraced the sex part - which IS limited ! Logically it would be that much easier to put love in it's proper perspective.

Sounds like you and your husband are solid, caring people. Sharing that with someone else you care about just makes it that much more special.

Jealousy, as you say, is a fear response. As Vandalin suggested - see if you can determine WHAT it is you are truly afraid of ? Odds are it's a baseless fear rooted in breaking out of the old model. Nothing more. We're always afraid of the unknown.

Insecurity - if you really are an insecure person in general you need to fix that anyway. Dealing with this may help.

Anger ? Likely at yourself :)

You're fine. Breath deep. Be excited.

GS
 
www.xeromag.com

check out the articles about insecurity and jealousy on that website. He does a great job helping work through things.

Also the book "Living Happily Ever After" is a great book to help with any insecurities-it's not about poly but it is still a wonderful book for working on one's self.
 
Thank you

Thank you for all of the responses.

lisbeth - right now, I am not looking for a boyfriend. Between working full time, having two young children and all that goes with that - I do not feel like I have the time to pursue other relationships. If it happens, I would be open to it - but I am not actively looking. Most of the men I meet on a daily basis are married and therefore I would not flirt with them.

I would eventually like to find someone. I would like to feel what my husband is feeling. Because I haven't experienced it (other than with my kids) I don't really understand how a person can love two people equally. But I would like to understand. My husband and I are still interested in swinging - though we don't have a lot of time to play. Also, the girlfriend has somewhat of an issue with it. However, that might be a good place for me to start. We'll see what happens. But am I open to it - sure.

Vandalin - I have actually lost it on a few occaisions. The most recently was two weeks ago when he took off work on his birthday and instead of spending it with me and the kids, he was with her. I didn't know he was doing that (he said he told me - I think this was a case of miscommunication) When I found out - I seriously lost it. I was screaming, crying, and told him we were done, took of my wedding rings and was serious. I was out of control. I scared myself. He left her to come take care of me and because he was concerned about the kids (they were sent to Grandma's so they wouldn't see what was going on.) Him and I fought, talked and eventually worked things out. But of course, the girlfriend was pissed that I melted down, again, and that he left her to come to me, again. And rightly so - I feel really badly that that happened. It was not my intent - I was out of control. They fought for a few days, but have since worked it out. She lost all trust and faith in me that I am trying to accept this.

I am trying to do whatever I can so that DOES NOT happen again. It was hurtful and stressful for all of us. I don't want to be like that again. As I said yesterday, they are on an overnight date, and I have been remarkably calm and ok. I kept myself busy and didn't worry or think about what they were doing. He called to say goodnight - and I told him to have fun. I hate waking up in the morning with him not here - but I'm doing ok. When he comes home today - I will welcome him with hugs and kisses and make sure that he is happy to be home. We then have a nice weekend planned that we are both looking forward to. THIS attitude I am having right now, is MUCH better than how I was two weeks ago. The issue is how to keep it this way.

Sorry for the long post again and thanks again for the help and advice.

Kat
 
Hey Kat,

I think the biggest thing that can move this whole thing forward would be if you and the GF can work on your own relationship. If you don't connect sexually - that's ok. But you ARE sharing something and that can be something that can bring you together.

The topic of conversation doesn't always have to be about the relationship - and shouldn't. Both being the same gender you probably have quite a few things in common about your life in general you might connect on.

The better friends you can become the more smoothly the whole thing will flow.

My thoughts.....

GS
 
GroundedSpirit and vandalin - I have spent a lot of time today trying to figure out where this jealousy/fear is coming from. It's really hard to pin point. I'm not afraid he is going to leave me for her. I do not think he loves her more than me. I am not jealous of what they are doing. I do have low self-esteem, which I am working on. There are times that I think she is prettier than me, sexier than me, makes him happier than I do. Not because of anything she does - but because those are all things I don't think I am or do. I understand it's my issue and I am working on it with my counselor.

The whole time they were on their overnight date - I was really good. Sure I missed him, incredibly, but I was ok. No crying, no anger, no resentment. Really. I even surprised myself. He came home, we hugged and kissed and had a nice night out. She sent me a nice text thanking me for being ok with them taking this time together, and I told her that I felt this was a turning point and that hopefully her and I could become friends.

Then, while him and I were out tonight, she sent him a few texts, and the negative feelings came back. When they are out together, I make a point NOT to text him, unless it is an emergency. Sure I would like to text him to tell him I love him or that I miss him - but I don't. I respect her and the time they spend together. I did text him today twice: once to see when he would be home so I knew if I had time to run out, and again because of something concerning the "lie" we had to tell our children as to where he was last night and this morning. That was it. He was gone 26 hours and I texted him twice. She is away from him for a few hours and texted him at least 4 times that I know. I can't imagine why she would need to. I have asked her in the past to please respect the little bit of time he is with me and the kids - she continues to text. This is when the anger and resentment started to set in. I don't like feeling like this. I don't want to feel like this. But this is a trigger for me. I have tried in the past to explain it to both of them - they don't understand why its a big deal. I do hope I get to the point that its not a trigger, but right now it is.

At times when this has happened in the past - I did get angry at him and we fought about it. I didn't do that tonight. I did make one comment when I saw him texting her back - I said "you're mine now." He explained that he was just answering her earlier texts. As far as I know there was no texting after this.

I guess that I can intellectualy understand that he loves us both, that she is in his life, and therefore mine. However, emotionally, I don't want her to be a part of it all the time. I would like to be able to spend the day with my husband without hearing about her or seeing him texting her. Do I have a right to ask that of him? He doesn't like feeling that he has to walk on egg shells around me. He says he talks about me, us and our family when he is with her and that she understands. I guess I feel that as the wife, I shouldn't have to hear about her all the time. Again, this is something I hope goes away - but I can only be honest that this is how I am feeling at this time. In the past, I would have flipped out. Today, while I'm not happy about it, I am staying calm and not allowing this to interferre in my time with my husband. For me this is a big step.

Reading the posts on here, and reading the books I ordered, is helping. But I am realistic and know that issues and emotions are still going to pop up. I'll deal with them one at a time the best I can.

He is the love of my life and my best friend - I do not want to lose him. I know that I have to understand, accept and embrace this new way of life for us - I struggle, but I will not give up! I do truly hope her and I can become friends - but right now we don't really know each other or trust each other.

Thanks again for all your advice.

Kat
 
I'm glad that the overnight went all right for you. That is a good step. And although you do have a right to be upset that she was "interfering" with your family time I think a large part of that is the NRE they are feeling. I know I had a hard time not wanting to text or IM Elric all the time when we were first testing the waters. That will pass in time for her and for you.

Getting to know her and maybe even find some bond other than a shared love will probably help with hearing him talk about her. Would you feel this way, not wanting to hear about her all the time, if they were just very good friends?

You are taking very good steps in the right direction, as long as you are also able to talk to your hubby about them as well. Feel free to pat yourself on the back and be a little immodest by telling him how you are very proud and happy of yourself that you have been able to do these things, and what you are trying to overcome next. You might be surprised at how supportive and understanding, and maybe helpful, he might be. :)

Good luck!
 
I guess I feel that as the wife, I shouldn't have to hear about her all the time.

This sentence caught my eye, particularly the word that I underlined and turned red.

Yes, you do have a right to not hear about her ALL of the time.
But I sense that ALL is probably a generalization and exaggeration here, something I often got from Maca.

I suggest setting a specific limitation instead of expecting her to not contact him at all "during your time" (I loathe the "my time, her time" concept, but for this example it will do tolerably)
For example,
Identify "personal time as NO TEXT/PHONE/etc barring emergencies."

After 10pm is personal time whether he is with you or her overnight. (for Maca and I this one is the case)

and/or

Dinner time is personal time. (he could shut off the cell as she/you wouldn't necessarily know the exact time)

and/or

BEFORE a certain AM time is personal time. (GG and I have this until 10am)

Etc.

Instead of trying to mark out the time he's with you as ONLY for you, mark out TIMES that are personal time for only the two of you (and/or the two of you and your kids).
 
The time blocks is a good one.

Better yet, at least for dinner, have him shut the darned phone OFF! My 14 y/o's know that supper time is time with US, just us (me & them) & that no one is going to take that away from us unless there's an emergency. If there is an emergency those who know have our house number & will use it instead of cell phones.

You could also have a block of time, say a couple hours AFTER the two of you have reconnected after their time, for him to gush about her, talk about her, etc. before and after that is a no no.
 
The time blocks is a good one.

Better yet, at least for dinner, have him shut the darned phone OFF! My 14 y/o's know that supper time is time with US, just us (me & them) & that no one is going to take that away from us unless there's an emergency. If there is an emergency those who know have our house number & will use it instead of cell phones.

You could also have a block of time, say a couple hours AFTER the two of you have reconnected after their time, for him to gush about her, talk about her, etc. before and after that is a no no.


Breathes-that is a GREAT idea! A "gushy time". It may feel uncomfortable right now OP, but if you DO find a bf, you will treasure that you put that in place believe me! There is something to be said about the NEED to tell your loved one how happy something made you. Like new parents-who tell EVERYONE about their little bundle of joy. In polyamory-so many people are still in the closet and CAN'T do that with anyone, so being able to do it when you come home is important.

I really treasure Maca's efforts to become comfortable letting me tell him how I feel or what I think after a "date" time with GG. In fact it's actually helped him because I tell him good or bad and he has found that in fact JUST LIKE WITH HIM there are good AND BAD moments. :)
I would advise considering if there are SPECIFIC things that are TOO much to hear RIGHT NOW-for example, if we have sex or make love, I don't lie to Maca, but I don't get into details. He asks if it was "fun" and I say yes. I can smile as big as I want-but he's not ready for specifics yet, might never be. That's ok! Being able to smile that big happy satisfied smile is enough. And when in turn that gets us all worked up-all the more better!!!
 
Thanx LovingRadiance.

We don't officially have that gush time but I have noticed, especially since Possibility and I are getting together, that Gush time IS important. It allows me that time to come down from the NRE into the here and now and & it helps me reconnect with Primary. It helps him know that I am happy with what's happening, lets him know when something isn't right & it's the same when he's been out with someone. He gets that time to tell me as much as I want to know and he's willing to tell. It also helps us know the others a little better if we don't know them personally.

Thinking about it gush time has always been there, we just don't always utilize it.
 
Loving Radiance and Breathesgirl - thanks for the suggestions. As for the terms "my time" "her time" - he hates that too. However, my husband and I work opposite shifts. Unless I stay up way past my bedtime, we would not see each other from Sunday afternoon until Friday afternoon. She has all of that time to see him, text him and talk to him on the phone, when they can arrange it, since I am not around. I don't care what he does when I am at work - that is his time. Weekends are the ONLY us time and family time that we get. That time is very precious to me. I do get territorial during that time and feel that she is intruding when she contacts him. I feel that she is trying to get his mind on her and off of me. That might not be true - but it is what I feel. I feel that there needs to be respect between her and I. I respect the time she gets with him and in turn, I would like the same respect from her. They both see it as no big deal and think that it is me trying to be controlling - not the case. I am trying to work on my feelings by trying to eliminate some of the things that I know trigger them. I need their cooperation and understanding. I hope in time that they can understand where I am coming from and that eventually its not an issue.

I never thought that he might NEED "gush time." It is hard for me to hear what a nice time they had - because I do feel left out. It's hard to hear that they went places that we go, or to a hotel that we pass all the time. I do worry that he is having more fun with her since our life is more complicated due to work, kids, bills, house etc. He did mention a few things yesterday, and honestly, some things bothered me. Not as much as they normally would - so I see that as progress. Its been almost a year since they started dating, and it has taken a long time for me to get where I am. :) I am proud of that - but I know I still have a long way to go. After reading a lot of the posts on here, I see that it is possible. Up until now, I have felt alone in this and have had no one to talk to who understands the compexities involved. I am so glad we found this site!
 
You're quite welcome.

Since weekends ARE the only time you get together yes, she needs to let you guys have that time, period, end. She needs to respect that the two of you need your time to reconnect after a hectic week, connect with the kids as a family unit.

I have had the problem with 'our places' that he has taken others to. We've talked & it makes sense to reserve one place that is just for the two (or family unit) of you as your special place where neither of you takes another significant other. We have a restaurant that is just for the two of us we take someone there together, we don't take others there individually.

Keep talking in a non-confrontation manner, eventually your calmness & willingness to work through things will win out. Of course, you could always buy a nerf bat & use it as a clue-by-four to knock some sense into him, lol.

With gush time you can always give him a time frame of, say, an hour to tell you what he wants to tell you about their time together (within whatever limits you guys have set up) after that it is time for you and your family.

I've had the problem, too, have the feeling of them doing all the fun stuff while I get stuck with the boring, mundane, day to day stuff. We do have that but we also do manage to have some fun time together as well, it's just sometimes hard to see that. Sort of not being able to see the forest for the trees, you're too close to it so you don't see what's staring you in the face.
 
My experiences, for what they're worth

KT,

I'm more in your husband's position than yours (I'm the pivot of a primary vee, and one partner is newer to poly and less comfortable with it). That said, I'm happy to share some of the strategies we've been using to work towards compersion and feeling okay with our constellation of people:

~ We do our best to ask if it's a good time to discuss relationship stuff (whether it's NRE-style gushing or concerns or a boundary discussion or whatever) before starting to talk about it.

~ If I'm contemplating setting up a date, especially with one of my secondary/tertiary loves, I check in with Twig beforehand: what percentage is he at emotionally? (We found putting a number to it really helped us talk.) If he's feeling really stressed and not up for handling it, I'm more likely to postpone. (The deal is that he has to tell me how he's doing, and I have to make an intelligent decision about how to act-- I do NOT have to cancel.)

~ If Twig's feeling uncomfortable about a situation, we talk about little rules we can make that would make him feel better and that I'd be completely okay with. (Twig and I are monogamous shower buddies, for example, and it sounds from your posts like some kind of texting rule might really help you, KT.)

~ We say it on here all the time, but it's worth repeating: communicate, communicate, communicate! Little miscommunications can get ugly quickly, as you know, and the more you talk (both about plans and feelings) the more information you all have to make good decisions.

Keep posting and sharing-- we're here for you! :)
 
Like Reading about myself.

KT, where do I even begin. This is like reading about my own issues Right now.the only difference I am a mono married to a poly and I am included in threesomes every once in awhile that have gone well. But I feel for you with the jealousy and your ups and downs. These posts have been helpful to me as well. My husband is with a coworker right now. She is so very in love with him and he loves her to some extent back. It is hard and it has only been a couple of months for me. you say its been a year for you and you are still working through some issues. The fact that you said divorce is not an option really hit me. There are so many times I just want to give up. These posts, especially yours helps me realize I can't give up. He is my life and that would be like suicide in the worst way.
I lost it today over an issue that wasn't even her. I just feel like my emotions are always on the tip of the iceberg and very hard to control right now which makes our marriage very difficult. Is this normal to let your emtions run away? Any advice there? Thank you to KT for this post and all the reponses. They have helped more than her.
 
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Then, while him and I were out tonight, she sent him a few texts, and the negative feelings came back. When they are out together, I make a point NOT to text him, unless it is an emergency. Sure I would like to text him to tell him I love him or that I miss him - but I don't. I respect her and the time they spend together. I did text him today twice: once to see when he would be home so I knew if I had time to run out, and again because of something concerning the "lie" we had to tell our children as to where he was last night and this morning. That was it. He was gone 26 hours and I texted him twice. She is away from him for a few hours and texted him at least 4 times that I know. I can't imagine why she would need to. I have asked her in the past to please respect the little bit of time he is with me and the kids - she continues to text. This is when the anger and resentment started to set in. I don't like feeling like this. I don't want to feel like this. But this is a trigger for me. I have tried in the past to explain it to both of them - they don't understand why its a big deal. I do hope I get to the point that its not a trigger, but right now it is.

At times when this has happened in the past - I did get angry at him and we fought about it. I didn't do that tonight. I did make one comment when I saw him texting her back - I said "you're mine now." He explained that he was just answering her earlier texts. As far as I know there was no texting after this.

Kat

Kat, I have been here. At the beginning of the relationship between Kitten and Gator she was constantly calling and texting him. I couldn't get any private time with him and it used to hurt me that he didn't ensure we had some and piss me off to be honest that she didn't respect me enough to let me have some.

Gator and I understand each other on this now. Have done so for a long time. Kitten still doesn't seem to get it. I can be on a date with Tech and she'll call or text about just the smallest thing. She can be on a date with Gator and she still will call or text Tech or myself.

Most nights there is no problem with how much Gator and Kitten, or I and Tech, communicate. It is the date nights that matter to me. Those between any of the dyads. Here is why I think so...

...each dyad should have a special time together. A time when you give each other your undivided attention.
 
............. I just feel like my emotions are always on the tip of the iceburg and very hard to control right now which makes our marriage very difficult. Is this normal to let ur emtions run away? Any advice there?

My personal perspective............

I think the culture we live in encourages emotionality. It's labeled as some twisted form of freedom ?

Personally (only) I find it self defeating. It's very difficult to have any kind of meaningful/productive conversation with someone who is emotionally out of control. You can't get down to facts when every word triggers some additional chemical signal (emotion).

I'm going to stay in the place I've learned seems a better place to be. A place where emotions are laid aside for there own separate acknowledgment and facts and reality get first priority.

I've just seen to many rash actions leading to unfortunate results from allowing emotions to hold sway over words & actions.

GS
 
**I want to clarify one thing before I post my reply - I am mono, my husband is poly. However, I am free to have a relationship outside of our marriage if I choose to. At this time, I choose not to (unless we go swing together.) Prior to this past year, my husband was mono. He met and fell in love with someone at work - which has led us to research this and discover polyamory - which he can identify with. If things don't work out between them - we will go back to have a monogamous marriage.**

suadade - your experiences are definitely worth alot - thanks for sharing. It helps to feel not so alone when you see that there are other people in the same situation who have found a way to make it worth. I think it helps my husband to understand me when he hears how other people have dealt with this. So thank you.

ak2381 - isn't it great to realize that you are not alone? Maybe we can help each other through the ups and downs? As I said earlier - DIVORCE IS NOT AN OPTION. I have wanted to give up, I have told him I wanted a divorce, I have taken off my wedding rings - - - then I realized how much more painful that would be. I cannot and will not give up my marriage, my husband, my best friend, my lover, my childrens father, my life, my everything! He means the world to me and my world would be nothing without him. So I have to learn this new way of thinking. I grew up with the societal expectations and definitions of marriage. Its hard to think any other way. But I'm trying.

I think a lot of my negative emotions come from the fact that I sometimes feel like she is trying to take him from me. That the 19 years of ups and downs, good times, bad times and horrible times now mean nothing. The sex is one thing - what gets me really worried, upset and jealous is the intimacy between them. It hurts knowing that they are learning things about each other. That things I only knew before, she now knows. It hurts to picture them laying in bed and him sharing personal and intimate things with her. I hate that she thinks she knows him as well as I do - like the 19 years are insignificant. I hate that they have the little inside jokes, secrets, and special places together. That is what hurts me more than anything. Those are the things I am trying to work through on the way to my goal of compersion. It's been extremely difficult though!

I think it would be one thing if when I meet my husband 18 years ago that he told me he was poly. Because then I would have had the opportunity to make the decision myself if this is something I can learn to understand and accept. That didn't happen - so I am now left to reevaluate my marriage. To accept that my marriage is different than I thought it was. Sure we still have love, committment etc - but I know have to accept to understand that my husband has a girlfriend - that isn't so easy. I feel like I don't have a choice - I have to either end my marriage or learn to accept this. Obviously I have chosen the latter - but it's a process of ups and downs. I am seeing a counselor (so are they, seperately) I am reading everything I can get my hands on and I am here, trying to learn from those who have been there, done that.

My husband and I had a big talk last night. We are trying to communicate, communicate, communicate. It was a nice talk. Until he brought up that the girlfriend wants more of a committment from him. She wants to start meeting his family and friends. I am not ok with this. I am still trying to figure this all out and I am not ready for that next step. Neither is he really. He feels like she is rushing things. This is where I feel like she forgets I am here, that what they do does affect me. I don't really understand where she thinks this is going. He is married, she is married, we all have kids, this isn't going to be a communal thing. This is limited to some extent. She wants more and more and that is where I am starting to feel resentment again. I understand that relationships are fluid - and I am trying to keep that in mind. However, this is a huge step that can and will affect him and I for the rest of our lives. Once we tell people, we can't take it back. Their opinions of him and I will forever be changed - if she sticks around or not. One of our family members already knows and they didn't take it well, they don't understand it and they will never accept her. It's a very touchy subject. I do understand that she is not a monster, that she does have feelings and needs too - but I don't think she is being realistic and I don't think she realizes how this will affect us.

Sorry for rambling - sometimes just getting this all out, helps.

Thanks - Kat
 
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