please help

Lad

New member
:confused: hello,
I suppose some background is necessary, I am a 20 year old gender fluid finishing my final semester of college before entering grade school. I am the bastard child of a very well known and wealthy lawyer. For various reasons my father will have nothing to do with me, but the foremost is that I had sex before marriage, I am currently engaged and my father has promised to accept me back and care for my terminally ill mother if I follow through with the marriage. Although I am working three jobs I can't make a dent in my mother's health care. I love my current partner but feel trapped and unfulfilled. I love many people and wish to express that love but my partner is extremely jealous and so much as speaking to him about my love for others makes him extremely angry.
I am at a complete loss. I'm confused and terrified. Advise and or support would be much appreciated.
Yours,
Lad
 
Greetings Lad,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Hmmm, it seems that your father is using his riches to hold your mother hostage. Unless there is a way to defuse that situation, I don't know how you can get out of this monogamous marriage that will make you very unhappy. I don't suppose Obama's health care plan could pick up the bills for your mother?

Maybe you'll have to be monogamous for awhile, either until your mother recovers or until she passes away. If you have no other options, perhaps you can live some years monogamously knowing it's a sacrifice you want to make for your mother whom you love.

Who knows what lies in the future. Sure marriage is a commitment, but especially if you were pushed into the marriage, you shouldn't have to feel bad about divorcing later on down the line. Just be as nice as you can to your husband while you are with him.

In the meantime you can talk to us on this site. Maybe we can come up with ideas to help you, or at least help you feel a little better by offering moral support. You certainly aren't doing anything wrong, you're just making the best you can of a bad situation.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

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Welcome aboard!
 
Your mother should try applying for government benefits. I don't know where you are located but I am sure there are some kind of tax paid services she would qualify for.

Don't trap yourself in a dead end marriage. Screw your dad, he seems like a controlling douche and you don't need him. If I were your mother I would rather die than to see you unhappy.
 
Your father is mad at you because you had unmarried sex, and is pushing you to get married?! What is this, 1865???

How is it any business of his when or with whom you have sex? I guess he is paying for your education? I think I'd rather postpone graduate work, or get a lot of grants, than be controlled by this rotten excuse for a human being.

TOXIC

And now he is bargaining with you and your sexual/marital choices to control you in trade for paying for your mother's health care??

There is a bastard here, but it ain't you, honey. He knocked up your mom without marrying her, and yet he demands you marry your sex partner/bf? Ouch, the double standards sting. Have you ever had therapy? You are terrified and seriously considering marrying your partner, "to get health care for your mother", while you feel non mono, and your fiance is controlling and jealous. Sounds like if you married him you'd have 2 men trying to control you.

Keep talking here. This is much more than a polyamory problem, and therefore I'd recommend a therapist's advice, stat.
 
I am sorry you are dealing in this. Sounds overwhelming.:(

In those shoes? I would...

1. Finish college. You are one term out. Seek therapy via student health services. Talk about anticipatory grief.

2. Put off grad school. Sounds healthier to pay for it yourself. Get job, start saving.

3. Is mother verbal? Then parents can talk to each other directly about arrangements. It is not your job. Thank father for his interest and state preference he talk to mom direct. You will be bowing out as middleman. If mom is not verbal, and you are in charge of her arrangements, tell father you appreciate the help but do not plan to marry any time soon. If his offer to help is contingent on you marrying how he wants, you regretfully have to decline. Then seek advice from hospital. Do you have a case manager?

4. You have no plans for marriage at this time or near future. Inform parents.

5. If loving jealous/angry fiancée comes with feeling trapped, unfulfilled or not safe to express how you feel? Not healthy sounding loving. Could end engagement and open yourself to seeking a more compatible partner. Could remember that a successful engagement leads to a compatible marriage OR prevents an incompatible marriage. The engagement period is for serious consideration and it is a success with both outcomes.

You have a lot going on. I strongly suggest counseling and reducing variables. Making life changing choices like marriage while under duress is not a healthy approach.

I mean that kindly. :eek:

Hang in there!

Galagirl
 
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a thank you

:eek: I want to thank everyone for their advise and support, I am still uncertain of what to o but I am feeling less hopeless about the situation.
To answer some questions:
I have been in therapy since I was young because my mother has severe mental illness and my family was worried I had inherited it.
My mother is verbal but mentally incapable of taking care of herself or making her own arrangements.
My mother has been turned down for Obama care and every other government funding I have applied for.
Finally I am paying my own way through school, and supplementing my loans with grants.
Yours,
Lad
 
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Medicaid also turned your mother down? That sucks.
 
:eek: I want to thank everyone for their advise and support, I am still uncertain of what to o but I am feeling less hopeless about the situation.
To answer some questions:
I have been in therapy since I was young because my mother has severe mental illness and my family was worried I had inherited it.
My mother is verbal but mentally incapable of taking care of herself or making her own arrangements.
My mother has been turned down for Obama care and every other government funding I have applied for.
Finally I am paying my own way through school, and supplementing my loans with grants.
Yours,
Lad

I do not understand how your mentally ill and physically incapable mother could have been turned down for health care. My daughter and partner have mental issues (borderline personality for daughter, anxiety issues and transgender issues for my gf) and my gf also has physical handicaps. Both can take care of themselves as far as dressing, cooking, shopping, cleaning house, etc. but both get aid, food stamps, medicaid, free medications, free dr's visits, a visiting nurse for my daughter (who just had a baby), reduced dental payments, cheap eyeglasses, etc etc. They are incapable of working full time jobs.

How disabled is your mom? I don't understand this at all. Doesn't she have a social caseworker to help her navigate the state and federal health care systems?
 
trying to explain

Due to my Father's hefty income all the financial services have turned her down saying she doesn't need it. My mother has a brain tumor that swells and then goes down, so sometimes she seems completely normal then other times she is childlike and impossible to communicate with.
Yours
Lad
 
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Due to my Father's hefty income all the financial services have turned her down saying she doesn't need it. My mother has a brain tumor that swells and then goes down, so sometimes she seems completely normal then other times she is childlike and impossible to communicate with.
Yours
Lad

Oh, I didn't realize she was married to your father and being supported by him ?? Thought you were a "bastard?" Sounds like she'd be better off divorcing him and getting state or federal aid, than this bs, which you feel comes down to your getting married as a trade-off for her care.

This is really messed up, you know. It isn't a polyamory issue at all. It's a "my dad is holding my mom and me emotionally hostage" issue.

Get some help, honey. A bunch of internet strangers isn't enough.
 
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You might want to hire some legal counsel (specializing in elder care), get some idea what your options are.

Please keep us posted,
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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